This is how it is to be under control of anger/sadness.. is like this whole new person/personality takes u over and makes u do things which u would never do in your senses. urging on. pushing ,tormenting u with these torterous thoughts and feelings on and on - untill you jsut want to get rid of it...even if u do some serious damage -its like this devil who wont let up without his blood sacrifice.
Ive been there...usually this temper urges on to do something bad all right - like go break a glass or tear up things and burn something..hit yourself, kick yourself....ok but I act smarter -I listen and dont act.. but bottling up and controling is not enough. Its sneaky, it slips out and does damage.. subconsciously may be. thats when it reminds me of Louise hay- how she says our thoughts can make our future..
I was really really angry.. like this.. when this anger got hold of me.. but controlled myself really hard and didnt do anything harmful... got hungry -was fixing myself lunch and boom - really really hot rasam spills all over me and I have this huge horrid burn on my hand and face and eyes!!! It burnt and stung for hours and hours ...and hurt for days...
Guilt - buddy doggy broke his leg, someone hit it and its leg got fractured. I din know that it was fractured all right, I thought young doggy will recover by itself.. 2 weeks didnt recover.. took him to doc. doc says oh his fracture is healed.. but his leg will be crocked because the bones have joined at an angle. I was hit by guilt.. if only Id taken this doggy earlier to doc - he wouldnt walk limping all his life... I go around mopping and feeling guiltly for a few weeks -every time I see the doggy -guilty. and what happens - I slip from the bed! at home -twist my ankle - sprain and fracture and bed ridden with a cast for 2 weeks!!! ( doggy has no trace of limp after a month! he did recover) Its as tho I punish myself for these things unconsciously..Its like its not enough to use will power and control the thoughts u have to not have them at all in the first place.
how how how damn important it is!!This of letting go and forgiving.. I m someone who is learning this from books since 2 years now? and i still have so much trouble with this....Shouldnt we all be taught the importance of letting go and forgiving and loving in our schools along with maths and science and that horrid civics?? Its such a hard lesson at that. we had these moral science class in school which was such an apology of a class - nothing but a free period. We dont need morals.. we need some real lessons - if only... if only that boy has been taught to forgive, to let go, to love himself.. it all sounds like new age crap- but it would have saved his life...Girl cheating on him wouldnt have hit his self esteem. he would know that she too is still learning in this world and Its would make his heart light if he had said I bless her and forgive her ( and fast :D ;)) Its corny and cheesy- but it works..It builds tremendous amount of selfrespect.. and it helps you see- that she too has her issues and that in the big scheme of things -its ok really.
more than to forgive others - forgive ourselves..
I wonder if blaming ourselves gives us a sense of control and satisfaction...
when my cats died i noticed my self trying to find a thousand ways to get blamed... I saved the dog which killed them..I shouldnt have let them out of the house..I shouldnt have moved to HSR...but none of them held up when scrutinised and it was really frustrating to not really find something to blame myself for...surpriseing soemtimes how mind craves to feel responsible and then feel guilt...why? because u feel u had an option to be in control. but truth is soemthings just happen. and u cant do much about it...
Like Murali said - you dont prevent macroblocks on channel change - you accept them :-)
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