21-10-2011 - gyans

Oh Dear! I had all these profound thoughts in 2011 and I am still grappling with the same issues until now, more than a decade later - its 2023!?! 

I mean these are very meaningful and good tips, how come I forgot this gyan and have to discover it again and again? 

1) dont be afraid to be embarrassed, once u are embarrassed and done with it life is better u learn how to live and what to do. after emabrrassement life gets better

2) take cotnrol of ur life - grow up.

3) when any thought comes - remember u chose that thought. so say I choose this thought.

4) every thought is associated with an emotion - so most times its thought first and emotion later... sometimes we may want to break this link between some thoughts and the negative emotions that come with it. - use 3 when dirty thoughts bother :D

5) dont crib about problems to others think - how do I get over this.

6) talking tips from ashok -he is a good talker :) otherwise I dont open up with lot of people

he made whatever i told special - by saying ah this is the first time someone has told this, that is perfect and ah thats a good perspective and so on...so help open up people to make comments

asking questions of interest -which made me give out long answers.

opened the aquintance with an interesting act

7) few more gyans came out at night

i get realy upset about my job - when eversomething comes up i get huge reaction emotionally

8) i have suppressed by ambitious and competitive side - because I think being competitive is wrong- I should shed this belief. also accept my ambitions. i have to accept that I will not be happy doing some small jobs - what ever anyone says. i shudnt believe it. I am ambitious and I should persue my ambition.

there is huge lot of resistance coming up when I try to make CV, it was similar discomfort when I was trying ot make decision for job, then i made some decision just to reduce the discomfort. now also... I wont do it. i wont give up making a good CV just because i am being discomforted. i need to get to the root of this discomfort.

9) I remembered or acknowledged one thing,

I used to be closer to my friends than my family

truth is I felt left out and lonely at home when I was a kid, and I was really jealous of my friends who were close to their mothers, who got affection physical affection from parents, Suma who played cards with her mom. Sandhya and Asha's family because they were 5 brothers and sisters and had a group and I missed being in a group. (This is no longer true in 2023, I think I acknowledged this and got over it, sometimes after. As I have lived away from my parents and as my parents get older, I feel very attached to them. I see their love now. Their reactions when I fell down was heart wrenchingly sweet. The concern was just as if I was 1 year old child. God bless!  I also some where along the way got over the complex that they live my brother more - all the spiritual work does pay off han ! )

I defied this feeling by acting out like I didnt need a family to belong or I didnt need a gang to belong, but I admit I have (had)this deep craving for a close friend who is mine and only mine, I am craving to belong but I feel the denial very strong, to pretend that I dont need anyone that I can live alone. this feeling was satisfied when I had a the cats I guess...I guess this also comes out as out and out attachment to one person. I admit this.  (Or this may just have been Introvert/Asperges thing In 2023 This is also gone. I no longer attach to one person, In fact its opposite I want to be in a big gang. my gang of Ajjumas is my favourite ). My parents are really great, they really loved me, but they didnt show tat love, or may be once my brother was born I just became cold and assumed that my parents didnt care for me enough. I have a real barrier about getting close to people because I am afraid of getting hurt.. I have developed a very strong ego and a wall against this. the defence is strong and thus I shed light on this shadow. 

technical gyan

doubt everything.

dont hesitate to being from the first all over again. the solution may be there attimes..

be industrious and take the tedious path at times without hesitating..

Why did I name this blog TBD

Well I started a blog and I thought and thought and couldnt think of a name, I really wanted to start the blog - so I said, Ok let me start posting first and then lets name this thing.  So for now - TBD.  After a few years :D ya! Life goes on like that! :D  It felt so apt! like us, its still being done, still cooking - to be done! Beautiful and so Apt! 

I seem to get attached to my mistakes, my first name is my city name. Thanks to 18 year old me who wrote that in the passport! Changing the name is not hard but I couldnt bring myself to do it. Its a quirk I have come to love. I noticed I have a defunct blog with a typo, seems like I was reluctant to correct that as well... 

Faltu interests?

Do our interests go around in circles or are the base interests the same we try to jump to something more socially acceptable but drift back to our "core" interests?

I m feeling the pull of the same old things all over again :-) 

Flowering plants in the house, orange plant, Gardening,  Water colour painting, Clay modelling, Tibet/Buddhism/Astral Travel - Multiverse exploration, Fasting, Mushroom growing, Yeast/Fermentation God! I have a truck load of faltu interests! :-) and I love them

Promotions, growing in the company, learning to showing off my work, money, investments - the interests I tried hard to cultivate last one year, are falling off the wayside.

Hmmm! Feels like u can take a horse to the water but cant make it drink.  

A balance would be great. It is ok to have fun hobbies, but you need to be practical and have grown up interests if you are above 15 years old ;-) 

Deal with it!

August 2019

Listening to Emperror of maladies , feeling literally sick .. Still carrying on. ( Actually that day I was sick :) but I didnt know , thought it was reaction to the book )

Have we become too soft , I feel that is the problem with me, with all this Louise hay and positive thinking brigade.
I am avoiding unpleasantness and pain ( tho that may not exactly be what they are preaching )
I avoid Chernobyl, or powerful documentaries Or looking at linked in. I have become avoidance master.
So I decided I will listen to the book and if I get unpleasant consequences, I will deal with it.

This is such a powerful Mantra - I will deal with it. It gives me so much power.

Discipline is also the same thing, It is carrying on even with the discomfort and the pain.

Being strong and Independent

Being strong and independent 

You follow ur own path, you make ur own path

Being Strong and independent 

You are unfazed by situations, you carry on like nothing happened

Being Strong and independent

You go if others walk by you or not

Being Strong and independent

You are magnificent and awesome, a force of nature

Being strong and independent

You also carry the scrapes scars and the unhealed wounds

Being strong and independent 

You stop and notice your back is sore with huge burden

Being strong and independent 

You are all alone :-) Its ok, but there is some pain

Being strong and independent 

You can do it all yourself but You dont have to

Being strong and independent

You can ask for help

Being strong and independent

You can let down the guard and put down the weapons 

Being strong and independent

You can be strong enough to be weak and vulnerable

Being strong and independent

You can rest among friends

Being strong and independent 

You can be free, you can be at peace, you can just be

Being strong and independent

To being strong and independent and seeing all aspects of it

Cheers!

I wrote about how the boys who were stuck in the cave in Thailand were treated differently from Grenfel Tower victims. How eastern and older culture think u become strong by facing adversity but the liberal western culture sees you as being fragile and in need of care after adversity.
I wonder if the strong kids still carry wounds, like me. I have been strong in the past when I look back I see I should have let my guard down and healed after the situation had passed,  It is healthier to accept it was hard, that it hurt you. Its ok. :-) Being strong is great and awesome, after the storm has passed its also ok to say it was tough. The boys in the cave can say it was hard, they were shit scared, and they still get nightmares.. its still ok, they are still the strong boys who made it out of the cave. 

7 year itch

Actually Its  8 years since this blog has started! First post was on 19/01/2009.
It was when Obama became president and my heart had leapt with joy.
Incidentally Yesterday it was Trump :-)

Full circle shall we say?

Now TBD is like a dear friend who I come back to ever so often, conversation between the me I was and the me I am.  I am glad I kept this blog. 

Your negativity is my rocket fuel

All the negativity turns into anger
Anger turns into fire
In that fire I burn
like Iron, turn into steel
tempered and strong
Your Negativity is my rocket fuel
It pushes me forward
I wait for it and propel with it
Bring it on!