population sensus :-)

Fathers side
Grand pa - Grandma 11 kids 
11 kids -> 30 grand kids ( 1 didnt have children )
30 grand kids ->  approx 37 + ( max 7) great grand kids.  4 grandkids didnt have any children - 9 had 1 kid
fertility went from 11 -> 3 -> 1.5

11->30->37

Mother side
9 ->  7 had kids - 12 grand kids -> 4 great grand kids -  2 definitely dont/wont have kids, 2 had 1 kid and 1 had 2 kids  
6 grand kids can still have kids - so max 12 more kids , out of this 2 are unlikely to have kids, the other 4 may have 5 kids - making it 9 total.  

9->12->9

Just having your kids married off and having kids well before 1975 has resulted in 3 times the spread of genes are after "hum do humare do" was introduced.  out of 30 grand kids on my fathers side, 3 siblings are responsible for 16 of that and the rest 8 for only 14 kids. My mothers side none of the 9 kids married before 1970s and so stuck to 2 max.  

Lol! I just had to do this analysis, no purpose what so ever. 

Hoysala lion and Chinese lion

There was a restaurant near my house Caribbean restaurant , with guardian lions at the front door! 🙄  so I though ah! it must have been an Indian restaurant! No!  Thai restaurant or Chinese actually. Chinese restaurants have that lion in front of them.. not Indian .... 

but I couldn't shake of that feeling - Karanataka, Indian... then it came to me - the Hoysala Lion!! Its different but still similar...  In my mind Hoysala lion was sitting on its haunches.  

and then Ugra Narasimha ... Different but similar slightly

I couldn't possibly feel worse than u?

There are so many sad things happening around us, George Floyd was killed for being black, Pregnant elephant was fed explosives, Migrant workers walked hundreds of kilo meters to reach home during lock down. It made us all very sad. We have empathy, we feel bad for others , we want to help.

In such situations One thing I want to remember  -  I will not let myself feel more sad, more depressed, more angry than the people actually going thru that.  I will not make this about me - about how sad this has made "me" feel. This shouldn't stop me from taking action or doing something about it. 

I dont know, the point I am trying to make is subtle, May be I suspect that this is some kind of indulgence? 

Do we somethings use this empathy to feel good about ourselves, as an ego boost, to make us feel like ah I am a kind person, I am good person? 

When the migrants walked 100s of kilometers. It seemed heart wrenching to me but they were smiling and walking. Is my wallowing in sadness about this, kind of self indulgent? or Not? I dont know. 

Is calling this pain self indulgent and refusing to engage my coping mechanism ? I dont know.

I was hurt a small cut but bleeding, one girl who saw that felt so bad for it. Silly girl I thought,  but then someone told me they ripped their toe nail ( yeah I didnt even see it happen) and Oh my god! the feeling is no less than nails on the black board, I felt this shudder go thru me. So empathy and feeling pain imagining others in natural to a social animal like us.

But ... I will not let myself feel worse than u. ( I feel this is somehow respectful of your suffering ) 

dreams

I noticed my dreams are not frightening nightmares or scary but they are not nice either. They are mildly uncomfortable, like I am having disagreements or arguments or defying something and feeling guilty or feeling embarrassed. Mundane and boring and that too mildly bad!
Grrrr!! My subconscious is not being creative at all! 

yoga with music

I dont like Yoga classes with music, I find it annoying. I want to concentrate on the poses not music! Duh! and all.
I was not able to do yoga on my own, I found it really hard to continue.  I have done yoga for more than 10 years now, on and off, so I know all the poses, and after the TTC I should have been able to do by myself. but no. not possible.

But put 2 things I dont like together and - Magic :D It turns out, If I play music, I can do yoga on my own and enjoy it ! I figured this out when doing yoga on my own in a hotel gym with music and alone and It went so surprisingly well. but It took me couple of months to realise I could do that at home.
Slow! I know! but I am thankful for this lucky click.

Good luck to me  and May I be blessed with Years/Decade/Centuries ( reincarnation n'all ;-) of self practice. 

Your negativity is my rocket fuel

All the negativity turns into anger
Anger turns into fire
In that fire I burn
like Iron, turn into steel
tempered and strong
Your Negativity is my rocket fuel
It pushes me forward
I wait for it and propel with it
Bring it on! 

used books

I have gone a bit crazy about amazon used books,actually from everywhere - charity shops, oxfam everywhere :D  They are so cheap.  They are so charming :). old brown pages,sometimes old times new roman font :) and so many are hardbound! :D new found love of hardbound :)

Some of them come looking so new and shiny, no name written even, so awesome!! yupiee! Just got one now...  what if? what if this poor book was never read at all??  ....
...
makes me really sad :-(
it was published in 1974 and it wasnt read at all? :-(
The cover is a bit tarnished, after all it was read? what if it was tarnished in the book shop??
anyway Im gonna read it now :)
and... I am going to leave my mark on my books, they should show that wear and tear of the love theyve got. I m not gonna leave them like new.. :D and may be leave secret messages for someone who will read it next? :)

When a book shows wear,  I wonder what kind of person read it?  did they learn better than me :-? :)
looks like they completed the drawing book, pages are folded right up to the end..
was it a gift? :) from granma to grandson.. I feel so. but then granma herself read it.
 ....
anyway u are all mine now and I love you! :)

Elephant training

James,
I like this guys attitude
he has the presence at all times to say
- why are we doing it like this?
- why the f£$% are we doing it like this
- does this really have to be done this way!

Once that question is asked, he makes the change.
He is very effective.
I want to be like that.

I on the other hand is an elephant, trained elephant.
Elephant is tamed by making it believe that it doesnot have a route to escape, its spirit is broken.
so once it is tamed, it is tied with flimsy chains which it can easily break but it never does. It firmly believes that it cant escape, so why try?

I m like that, I find myself doing a lot of annoying things as if I dont have the power to change them. They are easy lil things that can be changed. but I m spirit broken elephant. May be little things at work, doing annoying things day after day because people at XXX are like that, they wont change. Instead of asking for change and making it happen.  keeping something in the wrong place in the kitchen and ending up bending everytime to pick it or keeping sugar in a jar with a tight lid and struggling with it daily or having books all over the house rather than buying another  book shelf.  and may be big ones I donno yet.

James says, be kind to your future self. I m always ashamed why I lived with that for so long :-$ :-$

"Swalpa adjust maadi, swalpa adjust maadi anta heli, life e adjustment agogide maraya" :D hehe Naanu astondu mosa illa but definitely 3 james questions need to be asked more often in life.

smuggler

;-)
Why is being smug or self satisfied bad? I know it is very irritating to see a smug person, but why? If I m smug, should I change into being less smug,how? by being less satisfied with myself? Is being smug actually gloating? so smug is being self satisfied and showing it? ah! yeah I think its being self satisfied and then rubbing it in peoples faces! :) Thats why it is bad. smug is trying to make other person feel less good? Or may be  it is just the annoying side effect of satisfied people?

what is the difference between smug and arrogant?  They are kind of entirely different but in both cases we feel that person thinks he is better than us and we feel bad/irritated/angry.   If we have high enough self worth, will we fail to be annoyed by both and feel that the situation is funny? smug is kind of passive and harmless, arrogant needs confrontation/resistance as it may affect the other person...

What is  self righteousness? Is it smug?
does self righteousness always come with judgments?
How to have values and beliefs and still be non self righteous? wont u be a hypocrite then? :)
should we believe that I have right to my values and everyone has a right to their own? Do we draw a line at all.
Is it possible to be non judgmental? when u have strong values. Having strong values in itself is bad. makes us stuck in one point of time.
( this is a whole new blog topic)

self esteem and feelings of self worth invariably bring up questions about pride. I feel that is easy to answer. pride is external , many times present to cover feelings of inadequacy internally. If it is not, is pride really bad? Is humbleness overrated? being proud of being humble is the worst. :D but common easy trap. he he smug - proud of being humble is a very good example of smug :)
yeah I got the definition
Smug is hidden pride, Arrogance is out in the open pride.

( all this, after I was purposefully smug to irritate someone, then I thought may be I m smug lot more than I realise :-$  m I smug, is my current bug  )

freeing ..

Im doing a few things to free myself,
samba class, acting class and Betty Edwards exercises in drawing :)
and observing myself, thats the key.
but so much more to go ( trust and patience my dear says an old witch to me)
I must be doing right because all this is so much fun,
It it feels enjoyable and not a chore, thats want power and not will power ;-)

( this is not a poem, its just weird indentation :) 

Insha Alla - If god willing.

Insha Alla - If god willing.
I love something about that phrase!
Its as if you are fitting in with world and being gentle about your wishes..
It will happen if god willing - you are acknowledging the fact that u can not be in control of everything. It may be also acknowledges that we may not know enough to wish what is best for us and let the best which "god" knows may happen. At least in my mind its like that. Its very subtle and nice..
Its not about a god who is willing and unwilling things... its more like being  willing to go with the flow.

I have seen this attitude in old time kannadigas( Gentlest and sweetest people on earth) actually in all old timers - people slightly older than my parents.( err kannadiga or old timer may not the right word grr, but u know who I mean)  ..I dono if there was a phrase for it.. yella devara ichhe? or something my grandma used to say..usually when bad things happened.
( not in character for me, but I do admire that attitude) 

are we going too fast

Standing by the door in a train! I was thinking most trains are getting too fast these days to do that..
going by bike feeling the breeze in the hair too , cant do traffics too fast to go without helmet
triples on scooter cant do,
Motorways ... :(
It was nice when things were a bit slow, when we could not only go from place to place but also enjoy the view in between...
may be not just journeys but life too?
Am I too old and hankering for good ol days?  :) 

possessions

collectable.. beautiful things :)
I want to collect things - books
I used to buy books to read.. these days I m tempted to buy books to watch and see, hard bound books..
faery book of drawings... nat geo books..
I want to have things which when I am grandma and I die, small kids will be excited to find
like magic books, fairy statues :) secret drawings, exquisite puzzels.. paintings which make u feel a particular way...beautiful boxes with beautiful things inside :) cuckoo clocks.

actually I want to be that kid who finds good stuff in grandmas house :) thats why I buy old furniture from BHF and get excited about the 1975 news paper in it :) I love antiques, not expensive valuable ones.. just simple ones.. I was so excited to buy a fairy statue.. I was lil disappointed to know it was actually new and not used one :)  I was dreaming that it was with this old witch who could see fairies  and talk to fairies :) who donated all her stuff to Oxfam.. sigh, I think some shop guy donated all the stuff that was not sold to oxfam.
something about used things is very attractive.

Why spirituality? because it makes me feel wonderful! :-}

kids are so free

So Jealous of the Kids!!! They are doing parkour all the time.. so effortlessly so easily so freely. not one bit selfconscious! Grrr Thats what I envy MOST . selfconscious-less!  This lil kid walking on the street suddenly does a cartwheel :D just like that :D and he went on doing cartwheels! hehe! Walking on a railings.. I want to walk on the railing too!!! I want to do cartwheel too ( Ahem which I can do now BTW!!! so proud! and I can juggle too :D and swim in the sea :D  atleast UK is good that way, even if people think u are weird they wont show it :D)
May be thats why I love parkour, Its like a free ticket to do all the kiddie stuff under a respectable guise :D  so envy the kids tho, they dont need any guise.. neither do I but why cant I be free?

Turkish salads Yummy

http://www.turkish-cuisine.org/english/pages.php?ParentID=5&FirstLevel=89&PagingIndex=0
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/450034/jewish/Scrumptious-Israeli-Salads.htm

Wobble board

time should come for everything or what - 2 months back I searched a lot for improving balance tools, equipment.. somehow never ran into anything like this..
finally found this, wobble cushion :) cool or what! I was really Jealous to see that some people in the gym were standing on these and improving their balance.. NO WONDER THESE GUYS HAVE AMAZING BALANCE!  AND I SUCK! :D  How come gym people make them do all these things and we poor indians hardly know any of this!!! Grr
ok!! ok ! I calmed down and quickly got one for myself! :D

http://www.livestrong.com/article/256808-exercises-on-a-wobble-board-to-strengthen-ankle-ligaments/

I m  that interesting person u are pretending to be ;-)  -Deeps :P

Obama supports gay marriage

Pleasantly surprised and happy about this, still wondering what could be the political motivations behind this cant help feeling warm and fuzzy and nice about the man.good man? :) bold move!
Equal rights and all is great, no body should stop gay marriage.
but why do they want to get married so bad! :-P
The world is moving forward at this pace, half the people dont get married at all...its kinda so irrelevant these days.. married or not...
why care at all about being main stream and get "married"?

prosthetics

along the same lines.. is the day far away when prosthetics become so good that people will start going in for artifical legs over real legs?
motorised legs with different type fittings - say wheels for smooth surfaces, spikes,  opposable thumb in the foot , extensible hand, u can stretch it long to reach the door or that glass on table on the far side of the bed ?.
Already read reports that golfers get lasik done to normal eyes to improve their performace..
its just a matter of cost isnt it?
If para olympics become as porpular as F1 racing,
if the focus starts shifting from effort to technology.. if companies start competing at entertainment level . I feel this is somewhat politically incorrect, but wont it be great if people put in the same ammount of reaserch into prothetics as into racing cars. and these days showbiz and sport are 2 main things which rake money
Then the day wont be far away when we all become Iron-men. slowly body will fade away,  We will just be pure brains?! :-) Then once we will start augmenting our brains with flash drives and more processing power and then.. even the organic brain will disappear..
Will the organic carbon man remain at all? Isnt that also some kind of evolution?
There are 1000s on movies on this theme I think.