fucking nails

Nature took like 3 billion years for develop opposable thumbs and gifted us with amazingly dextrous hands, we can use our hands to do some many things - but ppl!! then ppl go and do this to our hands !LOL!! I dont need these stupid useful hands - I need this! LOL

perfect earth

I m seeing Expanse and some other Space movies/Series. 

Domes, Black Skys, no water... One person born and bought up on Mars in Expanse talks about ocean. He is thinking how wonderful it must be to have so much water that it forms an Ocean. How wonderful to have no domes, you can walk freely. Air water all free! Wow that hit home!

What we have now on earth... its so precious. I m trying to live my life without caring for now - Plastics, Climate change, over consumption, pesticides, fertilisers, Forest loss, extinctions.. Oh Hell! I m going to live for another 50 years Max may be? why should I care!? 

I didn't feel like this, but I felt frustrated. People mocking Climate change, and everyone carrying on as if no shit is happening. Why shud only I care? I felt like that and then decided to not care.

I m sitting and I can see Blue Skies outside, Plants trees birds insects .  free Oxygen to breath, water, every damn thing we need to live is there ready made!  So easy. We live in a perfect world,  What could beat 3 billion years of adjusting to an environment? 

People are dreaming of settling on the moon and mars, We cant even take care of what we have here and we think we will conquer the galaxy .... 

Tell women they are beautiful crap ( rant )

ha ha! Rant coming up after a long time ! Ye! ;-)
Posts like - The real man makes a woman feel beautiful ( VOMIT VOMIT  ;-) Or Advise that you should tell your daughters they are beautiful so that they dont get the feeling that they are ugly. Apparently it boosts their confidence , if you dont tell they become insecure!?!
Really!! Please!!
You should be telling people that beauty is very superficial and not important. In fact, you should not be talking about all the beauty crap at all! There are better things in life. You are just making the cosmetics and plastic surgery industry rich and you are making yourself and your family really insecure!!!
Also,  There is nothing called inner beauty - That model on instagram with flawless skin is really truly more beautiful than you and me. Your stretch marks?  They are not tiger stripes and they are NOT beautiful!  Just because she is physically more beautiful does not make you MORE inner beautiful :D Nature is not a silly liberal school teacher giving consolation prizes to kids who didnt win.
But so what? Not beautiful is perfectly ok, Just deal with it!

 BTW I wonder if such feels as this are in me because I am part asexual, part spiritual, weird hybrid? If I were a normal (  ;-) normal!? One girl complimented me "you are not normal!" and It was kind of best compliment ever :-D. Does not that say it all? ) anyway, if I were a normal woman, would I want other people to think I was beautiful and want them to make me feel beautiful? Is it my hormones which makes me so blessed and above all this crap? No... Its probably  my superior intellect ;-)


ps: This was about an year ago, Again the book Mindset( yes Again!  he he!) validates my thinking. It gives an explanation to the above.
Fixed mindset people value inherent capacity and talent.  Wow She is beautiful! She is intelligent!
Growth mindset people value effort  and hard work and change.  Wow she worked hard and overcame difficulties.
Well the question of hormones aside, I think above is clearly fixed mindset about beauty and hence not good to have. I seem to have growth mindset in this particular area.

Also I hope people know that when I rant I am half joking? 

killing the joy of living ( rant )

I was wondering if we are killing magic, I am also wondering if we are killing the joy of living my being too organised
Not just in daily life but the government and the businesses that we deal with - 10 years ago I used to use my name with initials sometimes and sometimes expanded it didn't create any problems, but now if the name does not pattern match letter to letter,  it can cause me huge problems, airlines wont fly me, banks dont give me money. We used to be human before and know that  J Bond and James M Bond could be the same person. Now we are all stupid computers. Bus in Kannada becomes Bassu, Stupid Stupid rigid people cant understand this.
Everything is like this, Its creeping up on us, The road rules, the booking months in advance for holidays or to even meet friends, time and date is booked weeks in advance.
I dont know if its just me , but I feel like this is soul sucking, its not free., Its the tyranny of the left brain. We are killing our spontaneity, we are killing the random curve loving right brain activities, we are becoming dull square stupid boxes.
In case of disaster, we will go down in numbers really fast, this kind of mind is adapted for this well curated boring world.
I wonder if the being which has evolved in the natural world for 3 billion years is getting stifled and suffocated in this comfortable and reliable but dry and boring world, I wonder if this is causing high number of autism cases and depression and anxiety.
Rigid rigid rigid rigid I hate it, This is western way of life that is infecting the whole world and bringing with it the whole lot of diseases - mental and physical.
They didn't just infect the native Americans with small pox, they are infecting all of us now, spoiling the lives with their materialism and their clock work like rigidity, killing joy and killing the planet at the same time.
Internet is a gift as well as a weapon, Its a white mans disease carrier.

:-D

( I think I can get away with this. As a brown woman I wont be called racist. If I wrote the something about Black mans or Indian mans disease! Oh my ! I would totally be a racist! ) 

is magic dying? ( rant)

One little girl 4 year old was wearing shoes with wings on them, I said wow you can fly with this, She said no you can't, they are pretend wings....
When I was little did I know pretend? If someone asked me - yes I would probably say the same but I did entertain the belief that I could fly, My equivalent was by doing Tapas I could actually meet Vishnu. I still do :-)
I am not one to entertain superstition, I HATE HATE people who worship banana trees for 7 days to have a son etc. But I love my belief in magic. It fills my heart with joy, It makes me very interesting to myself. It drives my curiosity, my drive to learn. It is very valuable to me.  I don't know how or why I think its different from Banana tree example, as far as I can see, these beliefs only fill the people with fear or greed or sometimes hope( which is not so bad...)
So It makes me sad that kids these days are losing the magic, In the bid to be rational are we killing the magic and imagination? Killing the joy of being? Are we making them materialistic? Not in the sense of wanting or not wanting material things, but thinking in only in terms of what they see and feel vs what may be, what is hidden? the mystery?
Same dread I felt when my friend bought her daughter a flying fairy, It was an ugly plastic toy, with wings which actually flew and hovered in air for a bit.  If it can actually happen Its not magic anymore is it? Just like how much magic is a Skype call vs how u felt when James Bond spoke to M on his watch in the 80s?
One thing for sure ( I am guilty of advocating this just 2 years ago) we are over engineering the kids, not just the kids, we are over engineering our society and our selves as well. We are setting up too many rules to follow and not allowing ourselves to BE and observe .
May be this is just my over reaction, May be people feel the same when I am being practical about Valentines day or the Gift exchange culture? That I have thrown the baby out with the bath water? Are they right? Am I right? Am I over engineering my thinking :D 

In love with flaws

See, my name on the passport is completely messed up - My real first name is my passport last name, my real last name is my passport middle name and my real middle name has become my first name. So now my name has become - Bangalore. The name of my city , no ! The Ex name of my city. My city in the meantime has changed its own name and become Bengaluru! LOL!

Now I had decided when I get a new passport made, I will correct this mess. I will drop the silly city name and have only first name - last name. But when the time came ... It turns out I LIKE it like this, I couldnt bring myself to drop any part of my name, nor correct the order. I left it like it is. Let it be.. Its mine. ( Teda hai par mera hai?! KurKure? :-P  )

I have a big scar on my knee from an accident right across it. It is big and Ugly believe me. Some people look at it and say - you know u can get this fixed! I felt  What? I love it. It makes me feel brave, even tho it is only accident scar, not a brave warrior scar or saving some one scar,   I can still pretend interesting adventures behind it, I used to like showing it to kids also - that was before Jimmy Savellie, 😄 Dont think its inappropriate but still these days.. :D

Same with 3 chicken pox marks on my face - they are very light... I used to like the red and black moles on my dad,  I am getting them now and I like them.. and the skin tags on my face! LOL! I can get them removed... but...My eyes decieve me and tell me they look nice... like freckles look nice.. :-P Dont think these are nice tho, to other people!

When my light mustache grows, my eyes tell me that imperfection(??)  makes me look young and  innocent and carefree.

and Oh yeah the Glasses! This comes first even before the name I think. How many times have I thought I should just go for Lasik! its easy not that expensive safe etc! but... I seem to like my flawed eye... I like wearing glasses, Its me!!! To struggle to look for glasses in the morning, to look geeky and unkempt, to be paranoid about what will happen if my glasses break and Mummy comes chasing me!!!  😄

Even weight , as soon as I get slightly slimmer, oh no I am getting too thin, oh no I am getting anorexic ! not at 62 kilos for my height! LOL! There is no chance in hell of me becoming anorexic! with my love for food!! but still ..I guess its the love of my fat.

I hope I grow to like my wrinkles and tumours like this when( :-P If? :-O ;-) )  I grow old 😄

I am generally forgiving of many flaws which matter to other people.. few specks of paint on a dress, a little tear, a chip, a scratch, a spelling mishtake ...There may be somethings which I am not forgiving of which others are like sexism, arrogance, white lies,  illogical story lines, fake news ... :D  Thats a different story! This is different.

I am so attached my self Image- that too physical, I feel. Only THIS feels like me! True yoga is getting beyond all identity. Am I a yogi?  Getting beyond identity would be not caring either way. I think I am like that at times.. may be I dont care enough to fix these "flaws" and not "attached" to my identity, you know 😋 I may still be yogi 😋

metoo?

Everyone is saying me too, because its too easy. Especially when everyone else has already said it.
Saying Me!!!  is the thing, It is the hardest! The first few  me toos take courage! after that - ya ya you too- thats what you are...  Meeh tooo


Edit: It would be nice(?! not "nice"! LOL!  more impactful may be ) if I had left it at this.. but ! Oh man (feminist!? :-D or .. ) rant after a long time
Its not just this, Its anger about  everyone who stands behind other waiting for them to do the right thing, everyone who plays it safe. Especially women! Who play tactical, who "manage" things, who carry on wanting to be seen "good women" who dont cause any "trouble".
This anger is about all those women and girls who stood behind my back and didnt even say me too - When I stood up to things, be it sexism or anything else, those silly girls who giggled when a boy lifted their skirts and giggled when I slapped him and then ran to tell about it.
About all those who make me question myself wondering if I should just let it be too?
About all those kids who hid behind my back when I stole Vaada from the kitchen, who ate it but didnt have the spine to stand up when we were caught. Why were most of these kids girls?

Yes It took a lot of courage for many to say me too but why didnt u say me??? Is this why ppl say things like dont u have balls? Does it really count? Do I have them  ;-) invisible as they may be?

Edit again: As it inevitably happens understanding happened ( or the desire to not look like a jerk to the world happened? ;-) )   I realised that just like I lack some skills which others posses like being nice may be, or connecting with people, or understanding other peoples emotions - Other may people lack skills like standing up and being brave. So we are even! ok?

Being strong and Independent

Being strong and independent 

You follow ur own path, you make ur own path

Being Strong and independent 

You are unfazed by situations, you carry on like nothing happened

Being Strong and independent

You go if others walk by you or not

Being Strong and independent

You are magnificent and awesome, a force of nature

Being strong and independent

You also carry the scrapes scars and the unhealed wounds

Being strong and independent 

You stop and notice your back is sore with huge burden

Being strong and independent 

You are all alone :-) Its ok, but there is some pain

Being strong and independent 

You can do it all yourself but You dont have to

Being strong and independent

You can ask for help

Being strong and independent

You can let down the guard and put down the weapons 

Being strong and independent

You can be strong enough to be weak and vulnerable

Being strong and independent

You can rest among friends

Being strong and independent 

You can be free, you can be at peace, you can just be

Being strong and independent

To being strong and independent and seeing all aspects of it

Cheers!

I wrote about how the boys who were stuck in the cave in Thailand were treated differently from Grenfel Tower victims. How eastern and older culture think u become strong by facing adversity but the liberal western culture sees you as being fragile and in need of care after adversity.
I wonder if the strong kids still carry wounds, like me. I have been strong in the past when I look back I see I should have let my guard down and healed after the situation had passed,  It is healthier to accept it was hard, that it hurt you. Its ok. :-) Being strong is great and awesome, after the storm has passed its also ok to say it was tough. The boys in the cave can say it was hard, they were shit scared, and they still get nightmares.. its still ok, they are still the strong boys who made it out of the cave. 

why are u carrying a backpack

You know how I loath handbags, non ergonomic inefficient and your hands are not free! and too small and people end up carrying multiple bags! seriously! What kind of person carries those! Anyway! So, me being this logical practical efficient liberated by society standards woman carries a backpack.

Each and every Shop - Madam leave your back with security! Why? That lady is carrying a bigger handbag and u didnt stop her?! Purse is allowed madam! Why!? Its easier to steal things in a handbag, Its harder to slip things into something on your back than on your arm?!? Sorry rules madam! X-(

Each and every person I meet, Why are u carrying your laptop! I am NOT!
Why are u carrying such a heavy bag? Its not heavy.
Why do u have a backpack? I have water and umbrella in it. Why dont u carry it your hand! :-O X-( Beacause I like my hands free!? :-O and I dont want to lose things!?!
Leave the backpack in the car. No! I have my purse in it. ... and if these bloody "ladies" jeans had pockets.. :D u know how it goes..
Anyway in spite of being a 'liberated from society' type of woman, this got to me, I got really edgy - Your back...  GRRRRrrr bow bow bow Bite! :-D
Ok time to do something about this nuisance. Be gone black backpack and Welcome white one with flowers on it ! ;-)
Problem solved :D No one so far has riddled me about my "backpack" "laptop bag" "rugsack" :D Even tho it is 1 1/2 times bigger than the black one :D ;-)

Peoples will be peoples! Silly peoples! 

Even tho I know that everyone is running on mental patterns which are programmed by society,
Even tho I have studied so much psychology and know that we all have very little self and very little free will.
Even tho I have soak myself in Buddhas teachings and know about samskaras and how hard it is to get rid of them, even tho I know how little mindful I am day to day, moment to moment,
even tho I know that this is all maya and everyone is stuck in samsara,

Why do I still judge people so much  for their choices and their actions?

Dont judge others

Why am I annoyed with other peoples thinking?
I am not talking about what other think about me, but in general what other people think.
Like their opinions on say - Refugees or Muslims or Women or Love or Marriage what ever, Why do I care?

Is it right to care or wrong? Do I have a social responsibility to care?
Is that the same attitude Christian missionaries have, who think they know how to think better than others? ( i.e Bad)
Or Is it the same attitude as Eshwar Chardra Vidya sagar who abolished Sati and supported widow remarriage? ( i.e Good)?

When people say don't judge anyone, are they being a cop-put? Are they really not judging or are they taking easy way out of controversial issues and avoiding offending others ( which again may be good or bad) Then why do I care what other people mean when they day dont judge :D :P

What if Eswar Chadra had not judged women who were committing Sati? Many of them were not forced explicitly but they were doing it voluntarily, the forces which forced them to do it, was the subtle programming since birth by society- which made a virtue out of it, also the circumstances they would find themselves in, if they didn't do it. kind of like emotional blackmail. I see the parallels with hijab and husband worship etc which my friends indulge in.
But  how can I judge them, when I know that they are not responsible for it but the programming is? Did Eshwar Chandra Judge them? Did he take action without judging?
The opposite of judging is understanding, It looks like I am understanding, but then why doesnot judging go away? :-)

feel like a woman

some people feel like that, I ... I feel like this.

At the core of my being I think  I am a 12 year old boy :-) with a runny nose and close cropped round head and black nails and streaked face short and skinny for my age :D with big khakhi chaddi and shirt with a lost button and a missing tooth. Looks like I am a poor village boy from 1970s or 80s :-)
I love insects and bugs and puss and wounds :D and jumping and climbing and experiments. I love to catch crabs or explore the bhoot bangla or the jungle behind the school. I like mud. I like frogs. I do my homework with my tongue sticking out under dim yellow bulb sitting on the floor with my desk :-)

At the core of being am I  a 10 year old girl. a tomboy with 2 pigtails with faded red ribbon, a longish handed down pinnafore skirt and a shirt with button missing, at the core of my being am I always a poor kid :-DI dont have runny nose or missing teeth but I think I have lies in my hair, I keep scratching my head. I love to catch the lies and squish them between my nails :D I like lotus and small grass flowers, I spend hours on the way back from school looking at grass and ants and insects and spider webs. I look at tree hollow and imagine houses of pigeons and squirrels. I look at the lake and imagine a underwater world, my friends are the girls who stay in huge shells at the bottom of the lake who turn into fish or into girls. Unlike the boy who is bubbly and outgoing, I am quite and contemplative and sensitive, I smell tiny flowers, I make friends with mice and rats and spiders and grass hoppers and butterflies. I let catterpillers crawl on my hands and kiss them and dont expect them to turn into princes .  I talk to plants and they talk back. I climb to the top of the trees untill I am out of the canopy and I can see very very far, I imagine a vast wonderful kingdom of the lion king.  and I imagine I am the king of the monkeys( - see  I can be both king or queen prince or princess it doesnot matter.  )  monkeys of this tree, I hear a monkey screech and I am scared, I run home real fast - I am scared of the monkey teeth. Amma at home gives me hot dosa to eat with ghee, I sit on the floor and eat that dosa on a steel plate, amma is making that dosa on a fire - I think we are poor and in 1970s :-)

At the core of my being I may be a 80 year old lady,  always a 80 lady and never a 80 year old man :D or may be 100 year old witch with potions and spells and healing and stories, not poor any more, not even in the 80s, somewhere in the west or in the Himalayas, with western clothes and in a western stone villa :-)  This old lady definitely lives inside Studio Ghilbli animations :-)

Actually at the core of my being I could be a 80 year old man, bald head and robes, skinny to the bone, with wise twinkly eyes may be white beard may be clean shaven, may be a sitting cross legged on a magic carpet and flying overs desserts and mountains over China and Russia and Afghanistan :-)
 

used books

I have gone a bit crazy about amazon used books,actually from everywhere - charity shops, oxfam everywhere :D  They are so cheap.  They are so charming :). old brown pages,sometimes old times new roman font :) and so many are hardbound! :D new found love of hardbound :)

Some of them come looking so new and shiny, no name written even, so awesome!! yupiee! Just got one now...  what if? what if this poor book was never read at all??  ....
...
makes me really sad :-(
it was published in 1974 and it wasnt read at all? :-(
The cover is a bit tarnished, after all it was read? what if it was tarnished in the book shop??
anyway Im gonna read it now :)
and... I am going to leave my mark on my books, they should show that wear and tear of the love theyve got. I m not gonna leave them like new.. :D and may be leave secret messages for someone who will read it next? :)

When a book shows wear,  I wonder what kind of person read it?  did they learn better than me :-? :)
looks like they completed the drawing book, pages are folded right up to the end..
was it a gift? :) from granma to grandson.. I feel so. but then granma herself read it.
 ....
anyway u are all mine now and I love you! :)

old crone

I m a gran ol lady of 75
I have a broom and a pointy hat
and ol black cat

herbs and books
and comfy sofas
a roaring fire
n soft warm slippers

lots of love from people gone and still around
I m a gran old lady loved by all
I m  a naughty old lady with a twinkle in her eye
I m  a happy  old lady with a wicked toothless smile :)
oh I m beautiful allright ;)

weird old lady feared by kids down the block
they call me a witch and run when they see me
I seduce them with apples from my garden
and then some more with my wicked tales :)

I m a sharp old lady with a very quick  wit
I m a kind old lady with heart of gold

I look back on my days long gone past
with some regret and some joy

oh Ive done it all
oh Ive done it all

What have u done granny the kids ask me
what made your life so wonderful

Ive seen the days when life was free
there was no internet and no electricity

I swam in the seas when I was afraid
I ran right back but I went in again anyway

Ive travelled by train by sitting by the open door
Ive climbed trees wearing short skirts and I dont care :D



I have been my own best friend ( this is intellectual and not from my heart)

tell us more granma tell us more

Ive been to places big and small
Ive been to places high and cold
and warm and crowded
and I have always eaten untill my stomach was full :D

Ive seen it all
Ive seen it all
Ive been loved and Ive loved a lot

why do u cry granma why do u cry
we love u so, but why do u cry

Ive seen sweetness which has touched my heart
Ive seen love and tenderness
Ive been lucky
Ive been blessed by god
I thank him so
I love him so

then why do u cry granma, why do u cry
hes been kind

tell us more tell us more
tell us your secrets  tell us your passion
tell us those things which u shouldnt have done :D
u did anyway

Ive been a good girl I dont like it that much

come on tell us granma, secrets we have not

I m an old lady and I forget a lot :-P ( granma being crafty and not tellin me! )

and what u regret to this day?
what would you differently if u got another chance

Id live a little more
Id be more bold
Id take what I wanted without caring some more
Id be less afraid
Id care lot less
Id be free and fly and not look down :D
Id love with more passion
Id be less afraid
Id go grab life by its neck and ride on it
Id rip thru life
Ive been a quite old lady but Id be a wild one if I got another chance
I held back a lot, Id probably just let myself go

( ah u knew it wouldn't rhyme? :-p)

I may not be a CEO
or a VP with 2 kids
(and I write horrid poems ;o)
but now I dont go so low
and I bounce up back fast! touch wood!
I have grown oh I have so grown
I m ready to open my wings
and fly really high
I m ready to open my heart
and go crazy n wild
I love me!
:-D 

I walk alone

The most surprising part is how natural it feels. holidaying alone I thought would be awakward but it wasn't. So natural.. so normal. I realise I have done it many many times but havent named it as such thats all.. may all those 2 day train journeys in India - If u enjoyed yourself on those I think u can count on enjoying urself alone anywhere :) and those official trips.
Free, thats the first thing I felt and peace. and Yupieee!I did it kinda feeling :-) as if its a big deal! but may be it is :-) ..but there is a slight fear that I m turning(?!?:P) into this anti social loner, real fear is that I m liking it :-)
Hah! I want to hug the place...bubbles bursting in my heart!:-) I love the sea! I think I also love the fact that I did this :) I want to dissolve into the sea and sink into the sand...
funny I feel like I am getting away from a close friend when I leave this place.. I linger on and on and on on the beach.. its getting cold and hungry.. ah!but I love this! I dont want to go..
I go to the waves to wash my shoes and then leave but stay on and then back on the sand just 5 more minutes.. ntill the birds stop singing.. may be visit all those silly sand things people have done one mroe time before I leave..
the softest sand and the gentle waves..crystal clear water...the fading light..I want to roll in the sand and rub my back in sand like a doggy but then I guess I have not gone that crazy yet.. I refrain sadly..
I finally get up and leave.. my stomach is very persuasive ..

BTW what do u do with beauty? seeing it is not enough, photographing it..  I get this Arrgh! I want to ..! feeling when I see and feel beauty! some how I want to immerse into it? blend into it, hug it,  dip into it and get it all over me, through me.....

receiving is ok but giving? ;-)

In giving it is that u receive...  they say,,,
the joy of giving they say...
the happyness that u get when u give they say has no parallel..
but why does it suck so? :-)
Is it really so or it is a trap? Is it a ploy by the society to make a bakra out of u...

Even people who are really close to me and whom I respect a lot say that u should take joy in making others happy, that makes u happy they say. but when i try to make others happy at my cost.. I feel truely crappy. :-D
I hate it. I feel everyone should be responsible for their own happyness.
why doesn't anyone make me happy for once? :P  prove ur theory!!!!!..
When people do that, that actually sucks too,
It makes me feel small, if someone is trying to martyr themselves for me.. so it no good no? :-P
what the F&#$ am I missing here?

(moods change and so does our thinking.. In some mood I may be touched by St Francis of assisi's prayer of forgiveness and giving :D but I was definitely not in THAT mood when I wrote this :D)

how far can u go

Pitiable picture of a doggy in an ad asking for donations for wspca. They will vacccinate and probably neuter 10 dogs if I give a donation of 10£ per month. Wasnt this what I was thinking this afternoon? How far can anyone go, some people turn vegetarian because they dont want to kill to eat.. but plants are life.. so some wont eat plants which grow below the ground.. u kill the plant when u eat... but rice and wheat.. they flower and they die.. so some saints go ever further they eat only that which has fallen off the trees on its own..( what about scavenging on meat :P ) anyway.. how far will u go?

I vaccinated and neutered 2 dogs in my street.. my heart goes out to many.. but how far can I really go? I can only do this much.. SPCA can only do this much.. they probably operate 15-20 dogs a day . really dedicated Vets - hats off to them I really felt good talking to them and very loving personnel- dog handlers. He spoke so lovingly to the street dog Id taken there.."Yenu agalla putta, Yako bhaya padtiya..." :-)
Feeding pigeons and ducks in the park... and squirrels.... I dont do that.. I want to... but there are boards saying dont... hmm and I m against animals being dependent on people...so...
some people even feed ants with sugar....Crows :-) My funny cousin started feeding crows one day.. very soon 100's of crows and huge rukus ! haha LOL! :-)
I hate people feeding monkeys on highways and railway stations, Those guys start risking their life for food :-(
May be we should just do our bit, what ever we feel like, what ever we can and for the rest - there is always .. G o D :-D

haage sumne old cribbings( for myself)

Sumne people will complain not interesting, what all u  are posting? anta, 

so I have started putting * and disclaimer in small print (for myself) anta :))

I keep regretting my decisions , on hidesight that too

It may not be that the consequence of the decision is really bad but I regret and I regret and I keep mulling over - What wud have happened if I had made a different choice.

No I don’t mull over options, I mull over reasons why this particular decision in the past has led to a bad situation today.

One very silly reason - This is about taking the certification program for pranic helaing.

Now I am regretting it, it took away 2 weekends lot of my work is pending I shouldn’t have done it.

If I hadn’t done I wud have new regrets? Like I am having for not doing crystal healing course.

I let others opinions influence me, for one. And another is that I keep regretting.

I should observe and let go of this habit.[Still valid]

I will feel really much happier if I do this. May be it is just lack of confidence is decisions? No it’s just this silly habit,   I am doing this even about trivial things. 

I do this even when I take a route to office or back home... if there is traffic jam, I sometimes find myself wondering if this is the most optimum route.. but I guess thats ok, as long as I m not regretting it..

[Old days - year ago.. I think I am almost over this problem? Atleast this time I took steps instead of( along with :P) counting ways in which any decision was wrong]

I should improve will power. Heart and mind are ok, will is not so well

I am not happy with the efforts I put into anything and I feel inadequate, this is what is waking me up in the middle of the night. I am too tired to really try and do more . I just sit on my ass and I don’t really do much?  Is it the feeling that I don’t do much that is wrong or I really don’t do much, that is for me to decide. I should either do more or stop worrying that I don’t do enough. This is really worrying me.

[Now I think about what JK says - when u want to become something , u are never really fulfilled! the solution is to just be! This was during the busy shifting to UK time... no such problem or thoughts now :-) Actually the old old problem of waking up at 4 worried had disappeared since I joined this job! god hope it doesnot come back!] ]

I probably need to be lil more willfull. Push myself lil more??? I need to think about this because I may be getting influenced by what my parents think I should do or what I think my parents think I should do. Expectations..

U cud have advertised car before. I cud have done more with the transition, I cud have done more as the team leader. I can help more at home. I am not getting hands on exp in office,[Bull! :-) didnt need any! I guess like swimming u cant forget being a developer] I am not even copying code etc. [S is always there :D encyclopedia :D] I cud have tried harder to get that job in UK. I am not sure I shud have tried because I want some time off. I always want time off. I am not exzersicing I am not doing meditation daily. [come on! already too much on your plate] I always do everything in the last minute.[so? thats my style I do pull it off dont I?] I am not meeting my expectations. Expectations are high or efforts are low I am not sure.[ Just beating myself up for no reason there! It was loads of things to finish and alone at that. All I want to say year ago deepa is Just chill! babes :D :P]

I am really averse to working hard. . I am not averse to hard work only to that work which is not in my mind, I worked like a donkey in the garden, but driven work like my parents always keeping busy is not my cup of tea. but my own self seems to feel I shud put lil more effort into life than what I am doing now and I get worried. [ yeah again getting worried thinking about what others want me to do. when that others are very close people like parents and it is subtle things .. we forget this! 
Seriosuly what is wrong with my parents! why they work like that!!!! I remember that day when  my house was getting painted.. Crazy people cleaned and cleaned and I cleaned with them and fell sick! It was like almost 10 hours of cleaning from morning to night. They dono how to relax!]

fears(for myself)

J Krishnamurthy is very good. I didnt feel like that at the beginning of the book, but half way through I am liking him a lot, he says why do u want "to become", just "be" and understand what u are. Observe yourself and understand what is happening without judgement and without trying to change urself. I really liked that

Our minds are full of conditioning and patters from parents, religion, society, TV, friends everything. If you want to see reality then u have to know these patterns and break away from them. ( this theme is repeated everywhere in OBEs, Pranic healing, Vivekananda... )

Another thing I liked about JK is he compares all these revolutions like communism, revolt against corruption for example, attempt to change society, jihad.. all as revolt with in the prison. you are revolting with in the confines of what u already know.. u are asking the warden for better food and bedding but u are not thinking of going out of the prison. This is true of feminist ideas and our rebelling against traditions as well unless you fully understand why u are taking a particular stand.  The real revolt is somewhere father away or rather closer - its in our head.

Observations:

-fear that someone is coming from the opposite side in the hallway and I have to talk them. want to take detour just to avoid talking. What am I afraid of? just a hi will do? I dont like the silence? no! Small talk is boring and it drains me. but when I dont talk I feel like a morose person.

-confusion - should I smile at this person or not...well it may be UK but I dont wish everyone on the street so thats the decision made. not smiling at strangers its not my style.
-fear of giving people ideas! ( seriously!) guy with very 2 cute dogs in park. usually I would pet the dogs but guy is also cute, so I wont!! I ll just avoid. I wonder if the person who has ideas is me or the guy! :D  anyway I run faster, but out of breath have to sit down on a bench! it will look like I am sitting on the bench just so that i can talk to the guy!!! anyway I put an end to all sillyness I call the doggy, pet it and tell that guy very cute dogs! what are their names how old ! so sweet! ok bye! that was easy and not even draining small talk. and no body got any ideas.! sheesh! sometimes our minds are shit!
another fear - dont talk to some people on tube because I will have to talk even next day and I wont have anything to talk and then it will become draining.
fear of spoiling while using new things for experiments like with t shirts or paper.
Saving - biryani why to put good ghee, let me put half good ghee and half store bought one. add little bit more water to chutney then I can eat it two days. let me put half ground nut and half coconut!! god! just go and buy another coconut! ok atleast good ghee is understandable because mom made it. I dont have the need to skimp but sometimes I do.
fear that I am wasting.. want to take even the last drop out of mixie because mom used to. I am too lazy to get to the last bit but wasting... is bad. These days i let it go, no time no patience low priority.
fear of spoiling books - by making dog ears, underlining, writing with pen!! Gasp!! yeah This is not at all my ideas of how books should be handled, it is borrowed from here and there.. I like my book well worn with my stamp on them. so now if I want to book mark a page I fold it. I underline with pen and make notes in the margins! I will fold the book in half too.. sorry if u dont like it.
fear of being watched and laughed at when i get too engrossed in meditation. ends up in opening one eye at times.
fear of being shouted at when trying to move furniture at home or buying new furniture etc again this fear is superseeded by much stronger defiance  so things do get done.
fear of failure when trying new recipe... or when adding new ingredient, but this fear is too small compared to the spirit of experimentation so new ingredients and new ways always win and get tried :D
fear of things slipping out of my head after reading interesting things... this I mentioned before also...