Life is like a spider web

Life is like being stuck in a spider web, unfortunately the web is created by our own selves, Each strand in the web is our conditionings, its how much we value and give importance to things which probably dont really matter. We are stuck and struggling - all unnecessarily.  

One set of strands I noticed was  how much of a fuck we give to other peoples opinion

Me stuck in all the fucks I give :D 

Even people like me - I think of myself as someone who does not give a fuck about other peoples opinion. Sure! I do do things when other people don't approve but it still bothers me - I get angry about other peoples opinion. I do care but not enough to not do things! 

This is the truth about all rebels. Those who don't genuinely care are not rebelling. They are just going about doing their shit, quietly .

If you feel embarrassed, If you feel guilty, If you feel shy, if you feel proud, if you feel happy when people compliment, all this time you are giving fucks. It is very subtle and it is hard-wired as a social animal to be people pleaser.

Genuine acceptance is rare - There are very rarely spaces where u give up performing for others and just be ourselves, Where we allow others to be and ourselves to be. Ecstatic dance was one such space - Truly liberating and such a kind gesture. 

Ps: Can you tell that I read Subtle Art of not giving a fuck! Lol! Full confession - I gave up half way tho

More Cob webs 

My father, He was arguing about how computer science is the best career. May be it was 25 years ago, now there are more opportunities, I Say. He asked if you take an average How many computer engineers succeed vs any other profession! 

This stuck me! AVERAGE! AVERAGE! AVERAGE!

 He believed a girl could do Computer Engineering when whole society believed girls were only fit for making round rotis!  Like the father in Dangal!! I m so grateful for that !

but This! This is somewhat like father in Gully boy! LOL! 

I m realising How strong a influence by dad has had on my thinking - how much I myself am stuck in average

He strongly believes in being safe and aiming for being average not in aiming high - me too! 

He asked on an average how many people make it if they are not computer engineers? - Do I dare be anything else? Do I dare imagine myself being anything beyond average? Do I dare imagine myself heading a corporation or making a difference to lives of millions or writing a white paper even? 

Cob Webs wrap our perception,  cob webs limit our dreams. The web does not bind us, we are the spider after all but we dont know that :D We are stuck in our own web! 

fear of mistakes

I find it easier to learn things when I am on project, The list of required learning for the project is easier to learn than when I pick on my own
I don't like to do projects on my own
I don't like to take responsibility on my own, I am diligent and responsible when I am given responsibility.
Light bulb moment!!!! I realised why! This is because  I am afraid to take decisions.  I don't want to make mistakes. I don't trust my judgement.  I don't trust my judgement about if it was right to take responsibility or not, whether I chose the right course to learn or not, Whether I choose the right job or not. So its easier to drift
If I choose to learn something, then I don't seem to respect my decision enough, I second guess it. what if I have made a mistake, what if I have made a mistake!  and this causes unpleasant feelings and I don't like the whole process and am put off making decisions.

Now that I am aware of this, This should happen less and less often!

This seems to apply only to work/official things, I am completely opposite in my spare time learning,  I am excited about something and I jump towards it. I explore and don't second guess about what I have decided!  Even when I took big decisions like taking months off to do yoga ttc.
Hmmmm but I did find similar problem when I decided to pursue drawing/painting bit more seriously. Spent a lot of time deciding which medium and then which picture to paint and would stop doing things for the fear of making mistakes!
Wonder under what particular cases this Fixed mindset fear or mistakes strikes!?

Fomo?

Feel anxious at other peoples achievements? Feel Inspired instead.
instead of  seeing what we have not done, we can see what is possible to do :-)
 - fixed vs growth mindset!

ps: one of my 2019 resolution - genuinely feel happy for other peoples achievements. At the fag end of the year I find the way to make it happen :-) 

Does meditation help with temper

Its not will power, its obedience!

When I have an app tell me to fast, why is easier? Its not as energy draining?  
We are programmed to be obedient, being hierarchical species. It is natural for most of us to obey than to disobey?  It really takes a lot of energy to disobey, thats why we are so angry when someone tell us to do something we don't want to do. Because our minds feel compelled to do it and we have to fight that instint to not do!
 Back seat driving for example, its dangerous because of the high possibility of the driver following the suggestion in spite of it being dangerous, like turn left when a vehicle is coming from behind. We find it very hard to not do what the person is casually telling. It takes lot of mindfulness to not take the suggestion . Thats why we said look what u made me do! and we are NOT playing the blame game. We are telling the truth. 
Even when the order is what we want to do we find it annoying , because it makes us lesser in the hierarchy? but that another discussion.
I am thinking there may be a practical advantage to this obedience. When we try to fast - we are using will power to stick to it. Its is hard and draining until it becomes a habit. But when we are using a fasting app? When the app tells us its Time to fast - Its not using our limited will power which is kind of draining to use but we are using our less draining but natural instinct of obedience? Thats why it is lot easier from the beginning?

Moaning myrtle ( ranty stuff :D )

 

 Okay!I woke up stressed today, I could literally feel the stress hormones being poured into my blood steam. Its because of this girl, This moaning ghost, She does not just live in Hogwarts girls toilet, apparently she lives in my head as well! ( looks a little different, more like me :P 

Moaning about the decisions I have taken for my Kitchen, How they are tacky, how they look so bad, even funny comments but ultimately mean. Its an issue which has very little consequence over my life, but it seems to be a really big deal to some part of me, To wake up in wee hours being bothered.

 This is not the only example, There are many small things which worry this moaning myrtle.

It seems to be not just a kitchen but somehow part of my identity, Its a personal judgement. Getting it right or wrong somehow makes me  a better or worse person.. something like that. I wonder why? Its not kitchen that it shit, its me! Not just mistake some

 There are areas in my life where no mistake seem to reach this level of consequence. Driving for one( may be only one ;-) ha ha! ) I have made some very big mistakes! Huge! like turning into the wrong lane at a signal. Into oncoming traffic. I turned into a 4 lane no entry and had 4 cars come on to me, life threatening mistake. My heart beat faster, throat dried up! definitely ! but I calmly dealt with it, I said sorry to people who honked. I calmed put up my hand to stop them and turned and carried on.  Do I think of myself as a bad driver? No! I am an excellent driver, as comfortable and as confident as ever right from the next moment. Later on also it didnt bother me at all, Did I spend sleepless nights thinking how Shit I am? NO!!! I just laughed at myself! Oh! My God! hehe! 

 How come?

I was not like this, I was very uncomfortable driver, I was so embarrassed about it, I took it very personally when anyone commented about my driving and If I made a mistake, Thats it! It felt so bad, I felt like crying. Even small things like someone honking at me was enough to derail my entire driving. I used to actually become shit driver after a mistake. Why?

This changed after I got my own car.   But was it just own car?

The difference is moving from beginner to expert. Now in my mind I am expert. Its not "I think" or "I Know" but "I am" a good driver. So nothing shakes me, mistakes dont make me "bad driver",  I just make a mistake.  Previously even if I got a honk I used to become a "bad driver" 

How to make this change in life!?  How to become like this in life.. for everything!  Decisions and actions (Mistakes or not) shouldn't make me incompetent, ineffective or a bad cook  or bad painter or bad wife, bad daughter, bad person or shit person,  shouldn't make me somehow less...

How to make this transition? How to be expert at living ? :D

In love with flaws

See, my name on the passport is completely messed up - My real first name is my passport last name, my real last name is my passport middle name and my real middle name has become my first name. So now my name has become - Bangalore. The name of my city , no ! The Ex name of my city. My city in the meantime has changed its own name and become Bengaluru! LOL!

Now I had decided when I get a new passport made, I will correct this mess. I will drop the silly city name and have only first name - last name. But when the time came ... It turns out I LIKE it like this, I couldnt bring myself to drop any part of my name, nor correct the order. I left it like it is. Let it be.. Its mine. ( Teda hai par mera hai?! KurKure? :-P  )

I have a big scar on my knee from an accident right across it. It is big and Ugly believe me. Some people look at it and say - you know u can get this fixed! I felt  What? I love it. It makes me feel brave, even tho it is only accident scar, not a brave warrior scar or saving some one scar,   I can still pretend interesting adventures behind it, I used to like showing it to kids also - that was before Jimmy Savellie, 😄 Dont think its inappropriate but still these days.. :D

Same with 3 chicken pox marks on my face - they are very light... I used to like the red and black moles on my dad,  I am getting them now and I like them.. and the skin tags on my face! LOL! I can get them removed... but...My eyes decieve me and tell me they look nice... like freckles look nice.. :-P Dont think these are nice tho, to other people!

When my light mustache grows, my eyes tell me that imperfection(??)  makes me look young and  innocent and carefree.

and Oh yeah the Glasses! This comes first even before the name I think. How many times have I thought I should just go for Lasik! its easy not that expensive safe etc! but... I seem to like my flawed eye... I like wearing glasses, Its me!!! To struggle to look for glasses in the morning, to look geeky and unkempt, to be paranoid about what will happen if my glasses break and Mummy comes chasing me!!!  😄

Even weight , as soon as I get slightly slimmer, oh no I am getting too thin, oh no I am getting anorexic ! not at 62 kilos for my height! LOL! There is no chance in hell of me becoming anorexic! with my love for food!! but still ..I guess its the love of my fat.

I hope I grow to like my wrinkles and tumours like this when( :-P If? :-O ;-) )  I grow old 😄

I am generally forgiving of many flaws which matter to other people.. few specks of paint on a dress, a little tear, a chip, a scratch, a spelling mishtake ...There may be somethings which I am not forgiving of which others are like sexism, arrogance, white lies,  illogical story lines, fake news ... :D  Thats a different story! This is different.

I am so attached my self Image- that too physical, I feel. Only THIS feels like me! True yoga is getting beyond all identity. Am I a yogi?  Getting beyond identity would be not caring either way. I think I am like that at times.. may be I dont care enough to fix these "flaws" and not "attached" to my identity, you know 😋 I may still be yogi 😋

Do you become stronger or weaker on going thru an ordeal?

The thai boys who were stuck in the flood ed cave for 15 days - One of their friends commented that He will learn from the boys how to face adversity, he said they would have become so much stronger after facing the ordeal.
This is in contrast to how the survivors of Grenfell town fire were treated in UK. Like an adversity damages a person and they need extra care and help to get back to normal. The popular psychology today takes this kind of view that we get damaged by ordeal, where as the traditional way of thinking was ordeal makes us stronger.
Which of this is true? Is what we believe true for us?
I think  there an optimum amount of ordeal untill which we become stronger and more than that damages us?  I think this optimum level depends on our upbringing and beliefs. I think thai boys will have a much higher threshold for damage because of the expectations of their society and their beliefs. Where as the western counterparts would get damaged more easily because of being treated delicately by the society and expectation by everyone that they get damaged.
The same symptoms may be treated differently by cultures. It is possible that trauma symptoms may be denied by the thai guys where as western kids would speak openly about it. Also possible that thai boys will overcome the symptoms by mental strength of their beliefs.

fear of suffering

Fear of things is greater than the thing itself.
I am so afraid of feeling hungry, feeling cold in cold weather, of cold shower.
Our feelings keep us in a tight leash :-D very much in control ;-)
We go to great lengths so as to not feel these feelings. Especially in the modern civilized world we are not used to feeling unpleasant feelings at all.

It would be a good training to slowly, allowing ourselves to experience and explore the unpleasant feelings and learn to relax into them. to be done kindly very slowly :-) Or the feelings will rebel.

The best thing about Deeps is that she picks up on ideas from people, books, FB posts, web and just does it!
EFT, Acting classes, lumosity, Faery Oracles... Ayahuasca ;-).. Lovely Deeps! too cool :)
Its as if my subconscious is alert for tips and suggestions to cool things. ( I cant write "I m" I m not consciously alert, its as if there is a dear friend inside who is so cool ;-), beautiful mind eh? ;-) Its not "I" Its "my mind" or "Deeps" or something who is cool :D  The "I" feel of it is less. Not like auto writing where its completely "them" doing it, This has a bit of ownership but not complete , it "my" mind but not "me" but not "them" either! hehe! I know I lost u there.. but thats how it is! ) 
Me just seems to grab some ideas and does them, while the people who suggested the ideas are not doing it!  Its as if these people were only messengers for me and those ideas were meant for me and not for them at all. and some ideas resonate after ages, after a few years even! :) its all funny, strange, mystic and cool!
may be I m being messenger to other people and not knowing it :) ( actually did happen, I gave a book to this girl, who looked at the bibliography of that book and picked up some real cool books, I had never bothered to look at the bibliography of that book :) As if I was a link in her development or something )


 I love my subconscious or whatever is inside me.. its a sweet lil thing :) and so much fun too! :) 

I dont choose my friends

I dont choose my friends, I dont choose my friends, I dont choose my friends?

Such a big load of bullshit!
I wonder how we seem to believe things about ourselves which may not be true at all.
I hold people who choose whom they talk to and whom they dont consciously at contempt. Judgement at something is a sure sign of underlying rot. sure enough...

I dont like to go to MBA party, I dont like snooty people. I wont get along with them.
Oh! u have young 21 year old girl as a friend, she smokes and all. I wouldnt be able to make friends with her. Young kids. So forward! I just dont connect.
House wifes- dont connect! ah Fashion Designer? Ah in Advertising? Sales??!!!
Conservative? Orthodox! ?
this lady with so many kids?
Acts too cute? Too girlie? Girls in high heals? These men in their 40's?  ........
.
Really Deeps!?? u are not choosy??

Elephant training

James,
I like this guys attitude
he has the presence at all times to say
- why are we doing it like this?
- why the f£$% are we doing it like this
- does this really have to be done this way!

Once that question is asked, he makes the change.
He is very effective.
I want to be like that.

I on the other hand is an elephant, trained elephant.
Elephant is tamed by making it believe that it doesnot have a route to escape, its spirit is broken.
so once it is tamed, it is tied with flimsy chains which it can easily break but it never does. It firmly believes that it cant escape, so why try?

I m like that, I find myself doing a lot of annoying things as if I dont have the power to change them. They are easy lil things that can be changed. but I m spirit broken elephant. May be little things at work, doing annoying things day after day because people at XXX are like that, they wont change. Instead of asking for change and making it happen.  keeping something in the wrong place in the kitchen and ending up bending everytime to pick it or keeping sugar in a jar with a tight lid and struggling with it daily or having books all over the house rather than buying another  book shelf.  and may be big ones I donno yet.

James says, be kind to your future self. I m always ashamed why I lived with that for so long :-$ :-$

"Swalpa adjust maadi, swalpa adjust maadi anta heli, life e adjustment agogide maraya" :D hehe Naanu astondu mosa illa but definitely 3 james questions need to be asked more often in life.

why not free?

Alex,
I like her attitude, she is very free. she is not modest about accepting food/drink or about farting :D  she does not think u are being formal when u ask her something, she takes it as a genuine request

I realise this about me at this point, when someone offers me something my first thought about it is,  They dont mean it, they are being formal, they are doing it for some bloody reason other than genuinely wanting to give me tea! :-$ shame on me! always doubting people's intentions.

be free - trust life - trust people - trust yourself.

smuggler

;-)
Why is being smug or self satisfied bad? I know it is very irritating to see a smug person, but why? If I m smug, should I change into being less smug,how? by being less satisfied with myself? Is being smug actually gloating? so smug is being self satisfied and showing it? ah! yeah I think its being self satisfied and then rubbing it in peoples faces! :) Thats why it is bad. smug is trying to make other person feel less good? Or may be  it is just the annoying side effect of satisfied people?

what is the difference between smug and arrogant?  They are kind of entirely different but in both cases we feel that person thinks he is better than us and we feel bad/irritated/angry.   If we have high enough self worth, will we fail to be annoyed by both and feel that the situation is funny? smug is kind of passive and harmless, arrogant needs confrontation/resistance as it may affect the other person...

What is  self righteousness? Is it smug?
does self righteousness always come with judgments?
How to have values and beliefs and still be non self righteous? wont u be a hypocrite then? :)
should we believe that I have right to my values and everyone has a right to their own? Do we draw a line at all.
Is it possible to be non judgmental? when u have strong values. Having strong values in itself is bad. makes us stuck in one point of time.
( this is a whole new blog topic)

self esteem and feelings of self worth invariably bring up questions about pride. I feel that is easy to answer. pride is external , many times present to cover feelings of inadequacy internally. If it is not, is pride really bad? Is humbleness overrated? being proud of being humble is the worst. :D but common easy trap. he he smug - proud of being humble is a very good example of smug :)
yeah I got the definition
Smug is hidden pride, Arrogance is out in the open pride.

( all this, after I was purposefully smug to irritate someone, then I thought may be I m smug lot more than I realise :-$  m I smug, is my current bug  )

fear

fear of making mistake is so strong and paralyzing in some of us ( me :P )
even when the cost of mistake is nil, i find myself doing so badly and being paralyzed by hesitation after making a mistake

word bubble game
u are supposed to make words with the given 2 start letters, I noticed I just stopped making words if I got a couple of words wrong because of spelling mistakes. as if I m stepping on mines :P
Come on deeps!
If I put on mute, then when the noise of making mistake is not there, I fare slightly better!

I think introverted, shy people are more prone to this.
also people who have sailed thru life rather easily without making many mistakes are prone to this.

auto drawing

what is subconscious?
Is it me? it does not usually feel like me..
when I let my subconscious do a drawing, I dont say I drew it, say, it came out like that.
I dont even know where the drawing is going to go, which color will be picked up next, its all as if someone is doing it thru me.
The techniques used are unique- I wouldnt usually paint with my fingers! but my subconscious did!
It made two paintings when I wanted to draw hero, one in oil pastels and one with paint. both eerily similar ( both like poppy flower!!)  I realise this only when I look at it later on :)
I wouldnt massage myself with my knuckles, my subconscious did ! :)
dear god! we are such interesting machines and we have so so many features! we have to explore.
it is as if channeling - exactly like when u do a seance.
it feels like I m letting something inside me show itself.. it has a life of its own..

have to or want to?

 It is important to match the wording with how we feel. Have gotten into habit of saying "have to" ...
I "have to" go to this party - wrong. I want to go.. Or I m going.
I realised "have to"  is adding unnecessary drag to doing things,even those I like. It is just words but unconsciously it adds this drag!!  I procrastinate a bit just because it is "have to"!!
Yeah! true!
even for things like drinking water at night when I thirsty
I think - I have to drink water and I m still lying there :-P  then I asked myself "have to or want to?" immediately got up! :-D
Strange! :)
Sometimes the answer is really "have to" n I dont want to - then probably just dont to it or atleast I m aware of the genuine not wanting!

where are the emotions felt?

in the torso mostly throat, heart, solar plexus and gut!

sad - throat, very sad in the gut sometimes heart
irritation chest
anger chest
fear chest stomach
anxiety - heart/chest/stomach churn

warmth - heart
fuzzy good feel - heart
lightness - heart - at least it may just be the absence of all those bad feelings
excitement - solar plexus stomach - butterflies in stomach remember?

sometimes its easy to confuse acidity/stomach ache with anxiety
urgency to go to the loo with excitement( I mean I m being frank here come on! :P )

If u notice them ultimately emotions are all physical sensations after all not very easy to place and locate but still the same.

materialistic

18:15
Gorgeous fur coat, Lovely boots, Super dry jacket and awesome pumps all from Tk Max at super bargain. Super happy.
20:15:
Pensive.. tomorrow should wake up early.. Sunday over...
:) Where did all the happiness from all these possessions go? :)  Its gone.  din stay the hour.
Actually all the excitement of shopping and finding gems has actually brought me further down than on a normal Sunday evening :) ( thats a knowing smile and not a happy smile :-p)

are thoughts original?

Every thought I get is mostly seeded by what I m reading what I watched on TV etc.. dont I have any original thoughts??? Is my direction ( of thinking growth etc) set by what I read? then again I chose what I read so its kind of indirectly choosen by me( most times)  I see my blogs are related to what I read mostly.. except for some burning recurring issues( recurring so not original :P) most of else I think is triggered by external input.
do we have original thoughts at all.. how rare is it to have? In this day of information overload( which I love by the way) Is it much harder to get really orginal un-influenced thoughts?
by Original I dont mean something which has never been thought before but I mean its something which has grown completely in my head without any seed from outside. if that makes sense...