Daddy's girls

There are two kinds of daddys girls
One that gets pampered by daddy by being dependent on daddy, Daddy please help me! You are so strong.
and the opposite, the one that is too independent to try and impress daddy. See daddy I m so strong just like you.

Its funny how opposite personalities develop in the girls when their favourite person/Idol  is dad. How does a baby chose one of the strategies( err I dono what else to call it?) Whether its the dads personality or how mum behaves with dad or hardcoded?

I m obviously the second one :-P

Oh and BTW daddy's girls( my kind)  are way cooler than mamma's boys! mamma's boys( of any kind )  are sooo blah! :D 

self justification anger

The anger used by self to justifying some actions.

example not coming to mind., but I find myself fuelling up the angry so I can do something. In my mind, This action is ok for an angry wronged person to do.  but that action is not ok for a not angry person to do. ( cant a person be wronged and non angry? duh!)
May be this is common in those people who think they are genuine,straightforward and truthful, The anger is not required for people who think of themselves as willy, smooth operators. It is just a strategy to get some results and there are no qualms about it.

[ I say "who think of themselves as" because, I "am" not straightforward but I "think I m" straightforward. BTW This is just an example I m actually straightforward :P ]

yes! one example

I was repeatedly getting emails/calls from this website , they wanted to help me write a book. I told them repeatedly that I am not interested but they kept calling.
I wanted to tell them shod off in a crude way so that they dont bother me again.
I felt awkward and embarrassed to write that email - qualms.
I found myself working up to be angry, these money minded bastards etc etc... I have right to be angry with them. ok now I m angry.
I told  them  to - whatever and more :-)

Now, I dont need this justification anger!! Do I really need to counter those embarrassment and guilty "qualms"? Anger is worse?
May be I was this angry young woman because I was not smart young woman!

Trauma

[ Actually written at different times, but this is a sort of repetition of the left brain blog.
May be the thoughts keep brewing and repeating themselves unless I actually publish them. I guess thats the point of this blog in the first place, to make space for new thoughts. May be that involves reading old blogs.. which I actually do. I m the biggest fan of my own blog ;-)  ]

There is no gain without pain
success is 1 % inspiration 99% perspiration
and such...

Hardwork, dedication, sacrifice, struggle, fight - key words to success for ordinary men.

Is it so?
Or is this the myth of the day?
Is this the monster which is eating us all up today?

It is as if we are lazy by nature and we need to really use our will power and push ourselves, drive ourselves, force ourselves towards being useful or successful.
Is that really so?
can we for just a minute stop and consider.. may be if we need to do so much pushing and shoving, what we want to achieve is not the right thing at all. May be we need all this force and violence to make ourselves do things only because we dont want to do it in the first place?
may be need to trust ourselves when we dont want to do something, there may be a reason for that?
There may be something better , a better way to do which is not violent on ourselves...?
on others and on nature?
We are always involved in taming and conquering and controlling and making things bend to our will, nature, others and finally ourselves. dominant, aggressive,
Is that really the way? may be we are doing it all the other way? all wrong? instead of moulding ourselves to what is,  we are trying to mould everything to fit us.. and it keeps ripping here and there...everywhere

Is there Trauma in making ourselves do things? in pushing ? in using and abusing will?
if we use will to again hide this trauma? Will we finally break?


But sometimes strong will is needed. Margret Thacher died recently, such divided opinions of her.. She closed all mines... 1000s were  jobless, 100s of towns useless but it had to be done. They were a major drain on the country. Someone had to do it. She did it with her enormous will power... She was successful. Yes success today is exactly like that...This is the way we know. It involved lot of Trauma.
When she died, people celebrated, protested in her funeral, said horrible things even tho its a taboo to say bad things about dead people...things from 30 years ago, Trauma stays...
But IT HAD TO BE DONE!!!!!!!!
So then, I wonder if there was a better gentler way?
I give my due to hardwork and perspiration and will power.. not doing at all and shying away is not the way at all... just considering is there an alternate way..? There must be?

May be all this Trauma I talk about, is not involved in what we are doing but  is self created and totally unnecessary? ( Anthony DeMello, JK type argument)
Sometimes may be the only difference between ploughing thru some work and cruising thru is just letting go of control,  about letting go of how exactly perfectly we want to do and  letting go of judgement that we are not doing well enough  and resistance - letting go of feelings like 'this work is shit'  and letting go og measurement of how well we are doing, better than others, faster than last time etc... if we drop all that and just do ( Bhagavad Geeta - Karm kar....) There will be absolutely no trauma.
It can be done by getting into the Zone. by shutting up the ego or left brain.  Its happened to me occasionally  but I m not able to voluntarily replicate the results in other tasks.. Cooking used to be such an effort... but sometimes it just happens I go into kitchen and then bam its done ! :)

But would Margret have found a more loving solution if she were in the Zone? Who is to say?

cycles

Sometimes you start seeing something which u didnt see before,
Like for example that the really cute advertisement. Everyone is drooling about it and u can see clearly that they are trying to manipulate you.
That action movie that u used to like so much is just a formula...
That news.. is very selective
That parents are not perfect

You start getting uneasy, and irritated about this new knowledge.
Some of us start thinking - I was better off being ignorant atleast I was happy. (This attitude really irritates me :D ) U cant go back to not knowing! Its like taking the Red pill!!

Some of us start thinking, I m supposed to not get irritated with things, why Am I getting more grumpy? Am I progressing or Regressing. Am I getting (God! forbid) Cynical?
( Is it cynical BTW? It is cynical, if it is others and just smart, if it is me? :D  :) )

Ok the point is not that.
 We resist all change, so this change of perspective is really  just a change and that is what makes us uncomfortable.
First step is to see it, that we judge and get irritated or resigned ( cynical :P) but that ok, because there is second step.
Second step is understanding, sooner or later we see more, we dont just see the symptom but we see the cause also. That is when we get not irritated .
Just suppressing the irritating feelings and covering it up with "I am not supposed to feel this way" is not the way to go.  Its ok to be irritated about something u think is wrong.
At a later point of time either we will understand better or realise that we were wrong after all..
or may be we realise that it was  just us, not accepting a change . ( Conductors wont have this problem, they accept only change :P but dont give back any :P)

Sometimes I feel Am I being stupid? because I feel alone, no one else seems to find anything wrong or see the problem. but many times it turns out - I was just ahead of times after all. :->
Self trust is important.
I told you so.. comes to mind :D but that too shall pass  ;-)

[bragging aside, some things I see ahead of time which others dont seem to see, but I have to admit many many things which are so clear and in the face for others, I dont see at all....its a matter of perspective  ]

morning gyan

People ( includes me of-course) should learn to say "this is enough for me!"
If we pay attention then we will know when it is enough.

context - saw a balcony facing the park and thought- I should have a house like that, then I thought -  so expensive, then I thought - rents have gone so high , then I thought what if someone rented out a house for how much money they wanted instead of the going price? Instead of thinking what is the most I can make out of it (Capitalism), if someone decided - yeah I will give my house for rent for this much? how would it be?
Thoughts were like - Only one person would get good rates, it would be unfair! ( ridiculous, atleast one person will get better rate?!why be a crab)
I can imagine a very principled person doing this - not necessarily a rich person, but middle class person with very simple needs may do it. Or someone who does not care, the property is just there... (I have seen lot of properties just locked up rather than rented at very low prices)
Other than that, Would anybody be monitory secure enough to do that?  I think it would need a very deep sense of security internally to feel ok about this and to not feel like a fool :-) its not greedy,its more about not being a fool? Atleast with me it is.

was thinking capitalism is nt really working, socialism has failed. Bankers are taking millions of dollars of bonus and salary, Mining scamers, real estate goons, politicians, lobbies.  Marketing /sales people rat racers...
Gyan says we as a civilization need to learn to know when it is enough!

yes I did it!

the resistance, voice of doubt-all old friends :-)

http://deepscoursera.weebly.com/introduction-to-art-course.html

Im not good enough

I couldnt complete my first week assignment for my art class
Whatever I tried to do was not good enough
it blotted, it spread, it was childish :( collage was silly.fake not genuine, I didnt have the right magazines.
I m not creative enough!!?!

Arrgh! Inspite of knowing that left brain can be such an asshole, I m not able to control it! :(
See what it does to me :(
I looked at a few water colors from artists, there is blotitng and spreading, lot of it! thats why it looks nice!  and how will u learn without making mistakes? and where will u go if u keep criticising everything you do?

I have a great idea for the next assignment
now I am getting thoughts like it is what children would do, its like craft! Its a copy of some idea you have seen etc X-(
There are people out there who would tell you exactly same thing, but first person who needs to be shut up is right inside me :( 

More madness or is it?

Genetic testing for diseases which u dont have now, but which you may get in future, makes me really uneasy.  I really really dont like it at all. ( Gattaca anyone? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119177/? )
On the face of it, it looks very logical. You genes suggest that you may get  a fatal disease in the future, can u just sit back and let it happen? There is a 80% probability that u will get cancer!  ( I trust only one probability ,There is 100% probability that u will die! :D ) wont u take any action? Yup you will! but its Wrong wrong wrong wrong!
Angelina Jolie has taken drastic measures because her gene testing showed her that she may get Breast cancer- 80% chance. She is being branded as brave? Is she? Or is she a coward and pessimistic? She may probably get cancer in 20 years and Medical science may discover cures by then? and there was a possibility that she may not get cancer at all? She is not giving nature a chance? isn't it Scare mongering?

What about the spirit of humanity which can overcome all odds? What was the probability of Wright brothers flying? 0%?
What about winning against all odds? if u take aways all odds? what then?
Brave? really?? I dono!!
 I shouldnt  be judgemental about this, but we being sheep and all.. I may line up tomorrow at a clinic to get my genes tested if I dont rant and rave about it!

This kind of medicine is  like blind men feeling the elephant and with that view fixing things with that kind of view. medicine especially is becoming more and more like that. Life itself has become like that.  We are always fixing things. Its so wrong but I m not able to exactly pinpoint what is wrong? Or is it just me?

There is also a sinister angle to this, that the gene testing is very expensive and the companies which did the testing and surgeries on her are behind the promotion of this news. She is on news everyday! (What is and What isn't covered in the news is another story all-together.)

Hmm!This is similar to  the dilemma about cats/children may be much more severe.
I was complaining to my maid that parents these days are too careful. I used to climb trees, my dad used to swim in the river, These days kids are not allowed even out of the house. She said.. My uncles daughter fell down from a tree in the village and is paralysed.
As there are too many street dogs in Bangalore, Cats have very low survival rate. The solution is too keep the cats indoors, make them house cats, dont let them out. Lot of cats in developed countries live like this. I had two cats... what do I do? Keep them inside? too cruel? leave them out? they will get killed Dogs/Vehicles.. Dont keep cats at all?

There is no right answer - most of the time we follow the trend, what ever the society feels right, thats what we do. We are not only afraid for our kids, we are afraid of our guilt and other peoples judgement. Logic says we should probably err on the side of caution -
remember the parents who wiped every possible surface with Dettol to keep their children safe from germs and those kids got sick more often cause they didnt build immunity? We can err on the side of caution but we are blind men and our caution may be stupidity. but Does that mean u jump in front of trains?

I dono the answer to this.

left brain - are we mad -prequel I think.

one part of me asks why aren't people like me - why are people calling themselves scientific but not open to new things
other part of me says people are just fine just the way they are, just the way that is best for them. why are u being bothered?
I can constantly feel this part of me and that.
Trying to compare - me with others, trying to feel good by saying ah u(meaning me :-P) are better than them in this way,that way.
when it feels someone is actually better then it finds some aspect of them that is not desirable, she is very rich, but not happy or not intelligent, or too goal oriented or boring or what ever.
sometimes it pretends to be noble, by fake praising people who it has actually judged as poor.
judging people - it is almost automatic. sometimes I am ashamed, but its doing its job. beard, bad clothes, uneducated, on benefit, too many kids - too religious, too young and has kids :D teenage mum! uff!
haha see now Its judging itself ;-) ;-)
I think left brain [for lack of better word, may be ego is more appropriate, this is one process in our head.  I m sure left brain does a lot more than this, roka toki, it does language maths etc etc]
oh u didnt do this, oh there is so much to do, It is fussy
seeking perfection - if u cant do it perfectly just dont do it
impatient - u are not doing it right, even tho u are doing for first time, it expects u to do right
competitive - are u better than everyone else? how are u faring? even when u think u are not competitive , it is - i m better than few people and it is enough.
seekign approval - appoving and disapproving and thinking of others. everyone will think u are stupid u are embarrassing urself, how can u not know even this much what will others think etc.
seeking regularity goals and organisation
keeping time, keeping up rate
being cautious
seeking dominance

The whole of the world right now, is run by this part of the brain, it is ruling the world, we live our lives by clock, by goals, by plans, by objectives, by being better than others, my measuring our success, against others against ourselves. even spirituality becomes like this ( religion was always like this, I think religion in most parts was designed deliberately to keep people from finding spirituality)  discipline rules enforcement - all are signs of this part of the brain operating.
 Is there an alternative more enjoyable way of living?
will be really turn into bums if we let go of all this, or is that fear, a survival technique of this part of brain? ploy to dominate?
will everything disintegrate into chaos if we dont have rules?
if there is love and passion, do we need discipline?  love doesnot balance us. passion may make very disbalanced people out of us.
do we not trust us at all?
what is hedonism and where do addictive tendencies come from?
addiction is a side effect of this part of the brain - the gaming especially is.

If I decided to write 1 blog a week, instead of  blogging as I please, would I blog at all?
If we started eating only when we were hungry instead of by clock, if we slept only when we were sleepy? Initially we would sleep a lot, eat a lot.. but would we finally start listening to the body and start eating and sleeping optimally?   I think so...but I m too attached and in the control of left brain to let go and try it...

left/right brain example

There are two speed matching games in lumosity
1) squares/circles/chinese character
I m not fast and I make mistakes and I get more hassled by mistakes and make some more.
2) Faces matching.
 I m much faster than these two, I dont make mistakes.. and if ever I do.. its not a chain of mistakes..

Shouldnt faces be harder, considering differentiating a square from a circle is trivial and many orders of magnitude less complex than recognizing faces??
(quoting from Drawing from the right side of the brain )I think faces is too complex for left brain to take on and it gives it to the right(pun intended) brain to do the job
I tried to get into the zone, sometimes it works and I get as high scores on Squares as on Faces.. but sometimes I m just not able to get into the "zone". then I doubt my choice, I double check, I feel bad when mistake happens, and after mistake I slow down and cringe at every choice I make! The Zone is non critical and is a breeze.

Genius may be not developing more brain capacity but using the right tools for right activity?
Not only genius, even happiness may be using the right part of the brain for the right activity.

Regular "science" and education is a long way from getting into all these aspects.

Womens day

Womens  day- happy womens day :-)
Womens day is originally International womens day - I realised I didnt dare wish people happy working womens day! There are many non working women/mums who would be offended!?
Womens days - is all about cards and candy and flowers. I hate it. enforcing stereo types like pink?
Womens day started off because women wanted voting rights!! everything gets flossy and trivialised - candy cards and flowers...
Why am I feeling that these are meaningless?
I dont like conventions?
why are they irritating me?
flower, candy and cards
thats what they give to women
on mothers day
on womens day
and valentinies day
Whats the use of these silly stupid things??
getting 10 cards in an year?? do they really make u happy?
women? why do u expect these things???
and gifts?
isnt it silly? and stupid?

women fought for rights
to vote, to study
there are countries now where they cant even drive
even in countries they have all the freedom
do they really?
They are tied down by invisible bonds
bound entirely by themselves
they bind themselves in high heals and lipstick
and straight silky hair
in ideal weight
in looking for an ideal partner
they are not free at all, are they?
they can vote and drive and study
can  they study?
but women are not good at maths and computing?
it not cool or its not feminine?
for that matter are men free?
ask Billy who wanted to dance ballet!
I m saying "they"? am I free?

anyway Happy Womens day or whatever!
nobody gave me flowers! booooo :P

womb envy!

Taliban! Its them again, they are saying something like women shouldn't do something something.. they will get corrupted.
Why are all these people so afraid of women? women shouldnt sing, women shouldnt ride a horse.. all this is mild compared to absolute vile things like female circumspection and burning of widows( our very own sati) ... why are these societies so scared of women n sex? whats the big deal really?
Is it the womb envy which is causing all this mess!? ( No its not the feminist but the scientist speaking! seriously ! ) As the male has to depend on the female womb for reproduction, and it is absolutely critical, the fidelity of the female womb,if the male has to pitch-in in bringing up the offspring. There is no "humanity" in survival right? its pure business!( yea it is! If u have a heart then u are probably extinct :P)

yes it is low cost life being male,  It can reproduce at  a lower cost than  a female. but with that cost comes a risk too and the insecurity. I wonder if this insecurity is the root of all this kind of evil in society?

Also Hierarchy is a show. its false facade.. fragile facade hence people go into great lengths to protect it? 

and thats why  the male dominated society gets warped into weird concepts like this?

are tomboys lesbian?

what?! Yeah! that comes up often.

From my perspective of being a tomboy..
While I was growing up, I was gender agnostic, where as lesbians like girls - so they are definitely not agnostic about the gender of the person?
I so badly and genuinely wanted the world to not care about mine or any ones gender.
wouldnt it be nice?
I liked to climb trees ( like boys) and play with dolls( like girls)
I liked skirts but not sarees! Bright colors but not Zari, flowery but not lacy...
Definitely good at maths but not at languages...( I wonder if u refuse to fit into stereo types u end up being more different or because u are different, u refuse to fit into the stereo types. )
I dint like women and men sitting separately for lunch, it looks feminist. it may have taken a feminist turn but even when women are given special status I didnt like it.  erase all distinction between the sexes.
thats how a tomboy feels may be? or may be just me..
Thats also  very different from wanting to be a man or a boy! I have never felt like I wish I was born a boy! I have  felt many times I wish people didnt care If anyone was a boy or a girl.I hate the pink/blue distinction and all the "scientific" studies about girls being daft at maths and all.
[Thats so looser by the way!!(this is the feminist speaking) - girls going -oh its so easy for men! I wish I was a man, I have period cramps. Strangle them!! Especially girls who dont have any responsibilities.. while their boy counterparts are getting their sisters married, taking responsibilities for old parents,Shaving n  feeling insecure about not having a womb and not knowing if the child is really theirs,ever ;-)  etc :P 
Also using feminine charms gets my goat...again that must be the feminist streak.]

Thats different from fancying girls eh? Din like girls, Din like other tom boys either, they depreciated my USP ;-)

There is infact a test!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bem_Sex-Role_Inventory
In which I scored androgynous, just missed being nearly a man by a mark ;-)
The test is shit and so sexist, my blood is boiling.
Apparently u are a man if u are  insensitive  and woman if u are weak
willing to take a stand, being independent,willing to take risks,strong personality makes u a man
warm compassionate loving children and appeasing others makes u a woman

On further reading it turns out the test is not sexist but guess what? Ta-da! Our society is! and Gender test reflects gender roles as perceived or prescribed by the society(Western one I presume. Indian women are supposed to be strong and submissive! Or who will do the house work??!? , not weak and submissive like western women with their dishwashers and washing machines!)

So......are tomboys lesbian?
No.. not necessarily, Gender sexuality stereotypes, there are all kinds of combinations of personalities and traits .. for we are people and not stereo types.

my heart goes mmm contd

Rock crevices. Rocks split in two with a gap in between.
Tree hollows
( hehe these words are artificial) there is magic and mystry in places like this :)
libraries with lil mazenine balconies :)
fairy lanterns
crik crik crik of the cricket at night...
cool breeze on a warm night when u are sitting in a balcony.. when everyone else is busy or sleeping..whiff of jasmine...dreamy

It is uncanny how a 75 year old granny in US has a liking to similar things as me? black cats, libraries, owls...is it the childhood illustrations we saw? But then every one saw those, how come only me and her and all weird witchy ladies have quirky tastes like this? :)
One of her blogs she talks about a fairy land in the crevice where the rock split into two.. how I used to love these crevices.. so many stories and dreams when I was lil. a 2 feet rock split into two in the middle of the playground ... it held so much magic for me :) especially when it rained.
Tree hollows are always full of magic- alice in wonderland, I always imagined pigeons and owls and squirrels lived there like in cartoons with tiny furniture and curtains :)  wood pigeons look especially homely, like it would have a proper dining table and fork and knives :D

I think its a side effect of having a particular type of brain :) Archetypes - after so many years I understand what that means.. its like prototypes in our brain , formed as part of evolution. we have some standard patterns of thinking. we all know that. we also have generic standard characters - with a group of characteristics(hard coded since primitive times across cultures) ...Hero - brave/Mother- giving nurturing etc.. .. etc This is archetype  may be likes and dislikes are like that. Certain type of likings come with certain type of brains... like may be liking for foot ball goes with coke and red color or something bizarre..only explainable to brain chemistry or wiring or by effects of evolution? :)
[Its so simplistic to generalize people into men and women and say men have brains like this and women like this... I think brain science is way way way more complex than what studies give it credit for today...anyway this is not a place to rant about "scientific" people :) . ]

Never ending story (Spoiler Alert - Just the jist tho)

Thats a dark book
we can run from one wish to another and still be unsatisfied untill we know and learn what all we really want...and when we learn that we are really ok the way we are...
the first part of the book is about imagination and fantasy - how humans are needed for fantasy to survive or it gets stale and disappears...thats a happy message and a happy story
then it talks of how fantasy can be dangerous, because u can do what u want, u can totally lose urself.. each wish fullfillment in fantasy is taking away a part of the boy.
At first he wants to be strong and then brave and then famous then feared.. and then he wants to be really wise and then he wants to rule all over the world, he gets it all becuase he gets what he wishes for and then.. when he sees people who have got it all and then lost everything. He then begins his self discovery
first he wants to belong - he is slowly accepting the things he doesnot like about himself or his situation, he is seeing reality.. he wants to belong to someone no matter what.. and then he wants to be loved for what he truely is, exactly how he is.. reminds him of his dead mother.. how this loving lady is like mother earth or nature.. his healing has begun... once he is healed he goes deep into himself to find what he truely wants...which is... :-) 
There is so much symbolism in this
blind miner who mines for forgotten dreams, this boy also has to go without light into the deepest of the deep caves to mine for dreams.. the dream shatter if u talk so u have to be absolutely silent... he has to talk to the pictures without words, without feelings... (ring a bell?, shadow self, subconscious- how no words there etc)
this book is really deep
I m still not sure I get the childlike empress what was she all about?
The dark and the light snakes who are keeping each other in check and the well of life from which u enter into and get out of fantasia.. Yin yang ... Needs a second read...
awesome.

My Favorite quote: “There were thousands and thousands of forms of joy in the world, but that all were essentially one and the same, namely, the joy of being able to love.” 

I want the hard bound copy of this book, its supposed to be printed in red and green ink, with every chapter starting with a capital letter! which is written in beautiful calligraphy! 

are we mad?

Going at 30 40 50 80 miles per hour, then making up traffic rules,signals, pedestrian crossings, safety belts, helmets, horns,driving tests,speed limits, speed cameras, police....
why are we moving around like crazy like this in the first place?  so fast?

Exercising, dieting...
TVs, movies, books entertainment,gambling, booze...
Sudoku, crosswords,Angry birds, sports
Vacations, weekends, holidays,

Contrived?? Fake?? no?
Why isnt Life all the entertainment, exercise, holiday,mental simulation we need? why is  all this separate from "life"? Is our life kinda mad?
appropriate, in-appropriate, politically correct/incorrect/offensive/ Morals, etiquette, Laws
If we think about it, we are walking a tight rope every moment of our lives... If we were a river, its like we are being made to flow in a deep narrow canal...
If we were wild animals, its like we are living in a zoo
as if we are under masks and layers and layers or make up and costumes..and reading scripts. as if we dont even know anymore who or what we are, let alone what others are...

Child care rules, social workers, health and safety, benefits.. western society has gone one step ahead ...
I wonder if "civilization" and we  have all  gone mad!

dream apocalypse

 wow amazing
we are all out on the streets of london(??), we are college student in cambridge or something being ragged I think, returning from a party at night, There were lot of challenges and arguments , dont exactly remember them, it was a long dream before this.. but then, we are looking to jump on top of a compound into someones backyard to prove something about evolution!! and then suddenly I notice that I can clearly see the milkyway the galaxy in the sky.. I have never seen it like this before. so many stars in a band! wow! is it just that it is unusually clear night? or something is different? suddenly we start seeing the stars falling off one by one!! That was shocking! apocalypse? :D there is panic every where.
( but wait if we are seeing stars falling off, that means it has happened some hundreds of years ago right? cause the stars are light years away?)
anyway there is huge confusion people are running helter skelter
I want to go home and talk to my family before we all die :D It was not emotional at all, Oh god! mamma, pappa. not like that.. It was so matter of fact. I have to go home and see parents. ashte. Not afraid of dying or anything :D  I m rushing home for the last glance of family.. its like old city is IL, Or may be malleshwaram  I run in small alleyways and small gates..
I run myself into a corner and some friendly guy ( arab or black? or egyptian type guy?) opened the gate for me. I was too fat, but he managed to push me out thru the gate also.. (at this time it is actually day, its not night) There were tourists who were looking at something, I startled them but ran anyway.  I run thru peoples houses and reach home.. then we watch it on TV the stars falling off thing...I think the Apocalypse never happened.
I never die in my dreams.
the other day I was standing on the foot path and this bus just steered too widely and was on me in a sec.. I think time slowed down, I didnt have time to move out of the way! it was right there.. I flattened myself and the bus went right on top of me, I squeezed under it but there is no place for me under the bus. It looked like how things looked in old video games when u went too close to some objects..graphics. Ill get crushed!!!! oh what to do!!! panic! then rewind and the bus breaks and stops an inch from me! Inception!! I must have stopped the bus myself? :)

actually not that amazing but it felt amazing when it happend :) 

how many people touch our lives

How many people touch our lives... the web of people who are directly or indirectly doing something to run this world smoothly without us even noticing it is.. is kind of overwhelming. We are also doing our lil part in this.. like an ant hill really, we are all doing our things and it all loosely fits in and run the world - more or less smoothly.

how many people are involved in making my life the way it is? in the background? not realising they are affecting my life and I not realising..

As I get to work from home, someone cleaned the apartment corridor, someone gardened the lawns, some one build the apartment in the first place, and installed the lights.. so many people are working to get electricity into the lights and heating... the people who are actually generating the current, to the people who makes the bills to the ones reading my meter...The carpets..someone cut the jute, some one weaved it, some one installed it, someone brought it here by truck .. I havent even stepped out into the road yet.. the glass, the bricks, the cement... the street lights, the traffic lights, the roads, pavement, the administration which is making it all run like clock work, the government, the people who made traffic rules, the ones who gave license, the decent drivers who are not running me over,the police who is enforcing it... bus driver, the people who made the bus, the factory the individual parts, the miners who mines the metal for the bus... ufffff... how deep could this go...

If we actually drew a graph of how we are touched by whom? across time and space..  how far back in time would be go? How many people would connect to me. And if we connected facilitator to facilitators would we connect almost every person on earth? how many of the 7 billion are actually facilitating me? :)

I dont use algebra in my daily life!!

What is the use of education people ask, as if I will use algebra in daily life  how many times have I heard that..( especially today in BBC, I have calculator! huh!)

We can only guess at what all ways education( even in its not so perfect form which we went thru) affects us .. mostly good ways.. the ways, we most often forget to appreciate...
I m fluent with Kannada I speak Kannada all the time, but I cant understand Bendre's songs!!! Me and many of my fellow Kannadigas are not capable of understanding literature, This is the gap because of not having Kannada as first language/second language in high school.  Logically speaking, u would think studying Hale Kannada is an absolute waste of time! Why would I ever learn that???!!
My friends who have studied in Kannada are able to read poetry, appreciate bhava-geete and read novels...I feel having Kannada as first language has enriched their lives in this subtle way, do they or the world realise this? we explain it off as interest, its not just interest, it is Education! :)

mean every thank you u say!
Thank yourself and mean it too!