Helplessness

Left brain mode today, so it will be analytical and preachy. :-P

Helpless is of 2 types
Helplessness about the outside circumstances
Helplessness,  the feeling we get within.

Helplessness in circumstances is beyond our control, just like everything else. Astroid is going to hit earth, Something that happened in the past, Child is dying, incurable disease etc. We are very small player in this big world, so there are lots of circumstances not under our control.

Helplessness inside is the reaction inside us to outside circumstances, we can do something about this. My first reaction to this is, If we are feeling like this, there is scope for improvement in our thinking.

We feel helpless when
- we judge a circumstance as bad
- Then we think that we are responsible and we should be doing something about this situation
- Then we judge that we failed cause we cant do anything about it.

The solution to helplessness is acceptance. First accept - circumstances are neither good nor bad, its just our judgment. even being burnt in Hilters camp.
Second, most of the things in this world are not under our control, we should develop wisdom to differentiate those that are under our control and those that are not. we should stop worrying about those beyond our control and accept them - cause - seriously there is no other choice. and for those things under our contorl - we are no longer helpless.
The third thing - failure. Well this is the worst of all, We can do our best and leave the results to circumstance to the universe to Krishna. That is all we can do, the work is under our control, the result is not. So judging as failure is a Big waste :D :P

Samsara like samskara is also something craved by the house holder and shunned by the monk. 

kindness

Kindness

Ok I wanted to write nice things about kindness, Kind, feel good things, but I think I will write about why I dont like kindness sometimes, what are my mental blocks about it. Whether what I dont like is actually kindness or not? Or I am again being too "mental" about it all? :-P

There is resistance to doing kindness, or being kind in me. I sometimes link it to self harm, by being kind I may be harming myself? Am I a sucker?

Kindness may be considered weakness - I judge many people who seem kind on the outside as weak. They are doing to avoid conflict? Am I judging them too harshly.

more than as weak many times I see kindness as stupid , people giving money to obviously fake beggars, which increases the number of these horrid people on the streets. forwarding "please share this in 2 secs her father will stop smoking" kind of things.

I also think there may be hidden motives - what if they are trying to curry favour, trying to please someone? trying to make someone like them.

ha ha! yes I am a B :D I think like this only, I cant help it, I am high IQ low EQ person ok :P

Other people being kind makes me look bad. Is that why I find it too hard to give the label of kind to other people?

There are so many instances where I feel like calling out, that is not kindness. My friends are vegetarian, and they claim it is because of their kindness, but I think its because of their samskara the way they are brought up and wrapping it as kindness.

My MIL and such women, doing things for their men, Its how they have been conditioned, but they think of themselves as kind.

I know such a judgemental piece right? May be shobha is right, we need to think of instances where people do something for others total strangers and not for family. 

I give way to others while driving 3 types of mentality - 

1) give way to assholes :D because they are blocking the road and things will move faster if I give way. 

2) give way with a sense of duty, because things will move smoothly if I drive like this. 

3) Sometimes rarely, when I dont expect someone flashes lights and gives way.  I feel happy, I do the same for someone, makes me feel good. that may be kindness? Is the difference only in attitude and not action?

Can I ever judge others action as Sucker/people pleaser? only they know how that made them feel. may be they are kind.

We shud not be obligated to be kind, so trying to be kind - is out. it will probably only build resentment. and trying will always be with a sense of duty. may be try to cultivate a sense of love for all and then kind actions will happen automatically?

I gave 100£ to starving people in somalia, was that kind? or sense of guilt for being prevailed?

did it make me feel relieved or happy? did I do it with love or shame or pity? 

I did it with a sense of fairness.  I have started feeling its wrong that some of us, earn this much lead such a comfortable life, just because we are lucky. Its not fair. but did I feel love for them ? I dont know.  May be my way will be like this, because I am a thinker after all..

contentment

What does it mean to me - contentment
words that come to me is, It is opposite of  "I want" = "Enough"
contentment is Buddha.  In my mind - contentment is always simple, down to earth, straightforward. minimalist, zen, white, light blue, pastel colour anyway . old man resting under a coconut tree in the afternoon.

How do u get it?
If you want to be content, you are not :-) Looking for contentment itself is not being content :-)
Can we be content with being not content :-)

related words
Acceptance - only content implies joy, acceptance implies neutral
So content is "Enough" with a smile .
Gratitude - is a way to contentment.
Awareness - is also a way into contentment. "I want" focuses on what all we dont have, where as we usually already have what we need ( otherwise we would be dead :D ) Can we have gratitude with our awareness of what all we have?
Gratitude is Awareness + emotion

Gratitude is exploring the current situation and seeing it in its entirity and knowing what all is responsible for my current situation- with a positive light offcourse, This will surely bring contentment, because if we are alive, we must have more things to be grateful about than not :-D

Am I content?  At moments may be. trying to be :D (Psst! That means I am not content with being discontent! Sheeesh!!! )
On the way to contentment - Trying to make "wants" small and have more "enoughs".  Simplify.

same old problem with Bahubali

Bahubali movie is great and amazing and all that. but then again I have the same old problem with it, the greatness of blood lines, glorification of royal blood yadda yadda yadda
Same rant about Game of Thrones Jon Snow
http://mystic-babe.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/inheritance-game-of-thrones-spoiler.html

Have u seen how super human Bahubali is, not just him, his uncle, grand uncle are also super duper strong. Why? because he is kings son.
Were these kind of stories told in old days to fool people into believing that royalty was some kind of super human superior being. much bigger than normal people? Was it a propaganda an advertising campaign to keep normal people in their places? Even today lot of people believe good things happen if kind saw them, touched them etc. everyone is crazy about blood lines.

climbing up a rock, climbing down into a clear stream, dipping face in ice cold water, walking bare foot on cold cold grass and on spikey stones. placid clear lake, huge green mountains, fog, mist and rain.
temple in the middle of the stream, pine wood tree god, growing in between rocks in really strong current. The spirit of the stream :-)
wood bridges, black slugs, ferns.
in mother natures lap, feeling whole and connected. <3 br="" nbsp="">

feel like a woman

some people feel like that, I ... I feel like this.

At the core of my being I think  I am a 12 year old boy :-) with a runny nose and close cropped round head and black nails and streaked face short and skinny for my age :D with big khakhi chaddi and shirt with a lost button and a missing tooth. Looks like I am a poor village boy from 1970s or 80s :-)
I love insects and bugs and puss and wounds :D and jumping and climbing and experiments. I love to catch crabs or explore the bhoot bangla or the jungle behind the school. I like mud. I like frogs. I do my homework with my tongue sticking out under dim yellow bulb sitting on the floor with my desk :-)

At the core of being am I  a 10 year old girl. a tomboy with 2 pigtails with faded red ribbon, a longish handed down pinnafore skirt and a shirt with button missing, at the core of my being am I always a poor kid :-DI dont have runny nose or missing teeth but I think I have lies in my hair, I keep scratching my head. I love to catch the lies and squish them between my nails :D I like lotus and small grass flowers, I spend hours on the way back from school looking at grass and ants and insects and spider webs. I look at tree hollow and imagine houses of pigeons and squirrels. I look at the lake and imagine a underwater world, my friends are the girls who stay in huge shells at the bottom of the lake who turn into fish or into girls. Unlike the boy who is bubbly and outgoing, I am quite and contemplative and sensitive, I smell tiny flowers, I make friends with mice and rats and spiders and grass hoppers and butterflies. I let catterpillers crawl on my hands and kiss them and dont expect them to turn into princes .  I talk to plants and they talk back. I climb to the top of the trees untill I am out of the canopy and I can see very very far, I imagine a vast wonderful kingdom of the lion king.  and I imagine I am the king of the monkeys( - see  I can be both king or queen prince or princess it doesnot matter.  )  monkeys of this tree, I hear a monkey screech and I am scared, I run home real fast - I am scared of the monkey teeth. Amma at home gives me hot dosa to eat with ghee, I sit on the floor and eat that dosa on a steel plate, amma is making that dosa on a fire - I think we are poor and in 1970s :-)

At the core of my being I may be a 80 year old lady,  always a 80 lady and never a 80 year old man :D or may be 100 year old witch with potions and spells and healing and stories, not poor any more, not even in the 80s, somewhere in the west or in the Himalayas, with western clothes and in a western stone villa :-)  This old lady definitely lives inside Studio Ghilbli animations :-)

Actually at the core of my being I could be a 80 year old man, bald head and robes, skinny to the bone, with wise twinkly eyes may be white beard may be clean shaven, may be a sitting cross legged on a magic carpet and flying overs desserts and mountains over China and Russia and Afghanistan :-)
 

loving kindness

Is there something like worlds happiest man? Is it even possible?
Meet Mathieu Ricard
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2225634/Is-worlds-happiest-man-Brain-scans-reveal-French-monk-abnormally-large-capacity-joy-meditation.html

Scientists who study meditation did brain scans on Mathieu and found that his readings were off the charts! They couldn't believe that a human could have this kind of readings for feelings of well-being. Off course he is like Usain Bolt of meditation may be, He may be wired for happiness, but he says its all due to Meditation, specifically Loving kindness meditation.

Frankly Happiness is great to have, but its not my goal, I think curiosity and deciphering the mysteries of the world come before this for me ( believe it or not :P ) Also being a fan of Buddha and loving his teachings I tend to think that happiness is as transient as sadness. May be there is another reason , less lofty and more human - it is embarrassing for me to be pursuing happiness- I see it as sappy, corny pursuit, another very human reason why I would not go behind happiness is I fear disappointment. Then why am I impressed by the worlds happiest man? :-).

There are different kinds of meditation, 1000s of kinds,  like there are 1000s of kinds of workouts, there are 1000s of kinds of workout for the mind. Which of these is the best? Just like we cannot say which workout is the best, we cannot say which meditation is the best.
Listening to this man I was convinced that one thing I need to add to my meditation practice is loving kindness meditation. May be I won't be the worlds happiest person, but may be we will be happier than todays Deepa? :-)
Googles own buddhist teacher, in his interview said a very nice thing. 2 things -
How to meditate? What is the shortest time for meditation? He said One Breath. Breath in - Breath out. Thats it. Thats the shortest meditation.
Then what is the shortest Loving kindness meditation, He said - just think of any person and wish them well - May be this person be Happy/ May this person be well. Thats it. Try it he says. Try it. It does feel good.
Loving kindness meditation is very simple - We first wish ourselves well, then we wish a very loved person well, then a stranger who is neutral, then we wish a person who we don't get along with well. Then we wish all the beings and the whole world well. This is like bench pressing our compassion muscles.
 I am a very logical person, thinker, This needs to be balanced by some softness. Loving kindness also helps intellectual people to get out of their heads and thoughts and develop some empathy and some understanding.  May be it will also give emotional backing to the good thoughts and turn intellectual knowledge into wisdom? :-)

automatic body movements

I have been looking for the answer to this - "Automatic body movements during meditation" since a long long time and as usual Yoga is awesome, it is beyond mind blowing the amount of knowledge they have/had. ( as usual, this amazement in somewhat accompanied by anger towards all who dont acknowledge)

Lot of people said it was Kundalini awakening,and I was sceptical about that because u know Kundalini awakening is a very advanced stage and I was not anywhere near it.
It is called Pranothana, increase of energy in the body, which acts somewhat like Kundalini but no where near as intense. Pranothana clears the body of some blockages and prepares it for Kundalini apparently. :-)

More details here
http://www.yogamag.net/archives/1979/cmar79/prano.shtml

The best way to deal with this is just let them happen, treat them like thoughts, they come and they probably stay and then they go, we just notice that movement started, movement is happening, movement stopped. Let it happen.

It is a sign of changing times that in 2005 when I looked for answers to such things, very very obscure links turned up and now google, quora and every thing is full of answers to these things? Is this the sign that earth is moving towards more spirituality?

fermentation

Fermentation really interests me, I mean it makes stuff taste awesome. No no I didnt just down alcohol :P I just ate sour dough bread! Yummy!
After easily making idly but struggling to make Yogurt, I am wondering what would happen if I add yeast to milk :-D Well I vaguely knew that yogurt fermentation is bacterial and not yeast.. but then I also had a thought that fermentation is fermentation.  so .. this link. It provides all possible answers to all possible types of fermentation.

http://phickle.com/all-fermentation-is-not-lactofermentation/

basically, Bread Idli etc are yeast fermentation, so u can use the bread  yeast to ferment Idli, but Yogurt is bacterial, lacto bascillus ( Oh comeon! I knew this, Science blindness infected me for a short while ) All the sour veggies like Kimchi are bacterial. 

conflict between inner and outer

Should I spend all the effort on the inner improvements because that is what is real?
but the lack of improvement/progress  in outer world is scaring me, should I put some effort there as well? Especially when I see others improving and going further.
My heart is not in it, but is it possible at all to focus on the inner world while being worried about the outer?
At the current state of development I am in, is it possible to let go of the outer like some people seem to have done? Like the monks, like the happiest man in the world etc?

There is once aspect of inner development which I am not concentrating on at all, that is loving kindness and compassion for others and also the helping and karma yoga part.

The outer development can be in these areas as well - right? This will also help with inner development. Is this the solution?
I am really not braving the world and putting myself out there for anything, spiritual or non-spiritual. The focus on inner may be an excuse to avoid putting myself out there.

So this is how it goes, my mental state these days, the bliss of one month of yoga having long faded :D

The thoughts that my outer ego is pushing me towards are

Develop social skills
Start caring about the impression I give - i.e image
Network - attend conferences/shows - meet up people
Re orient career - apply for google, apply for higher post
Treks
Solo travel
Triathlon or some achievement
Yoga some achievement
Meditation some achievement
Teach yoga/Pranayama workshop
Show people :D - by being slim, by looking good, by earning more, by showing happier lifestyle
Good grooming, good clothes, make up etc - again part of image
Meet up and take tips from some people

I like audio books read by women more than by men :)

I love audio books and podcasts in genral, but the actors who read (??? narrate, a better word ) the books are sooo awesome. Lot of love.

resistance

Be aware of mental resistance, accept resistance is there, dont fight resistance, just notice it.

Resistance is there, It is the enemy of understanding, but still its fine, no fighting it. 

Resistance comes from past experience, It is the reaction to the past situation, not the current situation.

you are a different person now, the situation is different now, so, is the same reaction relevant? It may be, it may not be.

Are all generalisations resistance?

Resistance can be recognised by this feeling of blocking out, no no no no, I dont want to listen, I dont want to look, I just know that it is going to be horrible :D Making a decision before examining is resistance.

Stubborness  is resistance

Indignation is resistance

Resistance actually feels like physicsal resistance, like wading thru think viscous liquid, it feels like dragging a heavy weight on the floor, making a grating noise. resistance is when u close ears, eyes and shout lalala la to prevent ourselves from hearing everything.

Resistance is what I m feeling towards meeting people

Resistance is what I m feeling towards western  mindfullness

Another definition of resistance is - Resistance to the current moment. Not accepting the current moment, we spend most of our lives in this state :-)

samskara

It is not co-incidence that the same word samskara is used for traditions, not just traditions but the value system itself thst is passed on from generation to generations, that which makes a person who they are and for repeated pre-programmed mental patterns. Even by definition we can see that they are the same thing. 

What I find funny is the contrast in how they are treated in these two different contexts.

Householders and families value samskara beyond everything, how a person is brought up holds at most importance, parentage and ansestory. Our children will preserve and carry forward our tradition. On the otherhand for a seeker, samskars are something to be rid, It is of atmost importance to be free of samskaras, its lifes mission almost :-) 

Context is everything. For an average person, sanskaras ensure moral behaviour, it needs awareness to be aware of our own programming and drivers, i.e the samskaras. When we graduate from being mere users of the software to architects and developers of our programs then we can be rid of samskaras. most spritual paths start with instilling positive samskaras, a few go beyond that.

Enlightenment is when we rid ourselves of even the last samskara.

Change your narrative

Yes! This is what The Secret and NLP are all talking about.  If our memories are just narratives- No "if" there!! Our memories are just narratives. Our beliefs and thoughts are also just narratives. Its a good thought experiment to try when we are being hit by negative thoughts,  to see if we can change into an opposite narrative. (Ultimately philosophy says there are no negative thoughts- positive thoughts, They are all just Maya. That is true, but to realise that truth, the thought machine aka our monkey mind shud stop, and for that positive state of mind is more conductive.  )
With the vast memory bank that we have, we can pick and choose any narrative we want about ourselves, It will feel true - I am lazy or I am hardworking. I am liked by no one to I am loved by people, I am smart to I am so Dumb, I am ugly or I am beautiful.
When there is no narrative we are cheerful and buzzing, Monkey mind can however swing in a second, in response to a thought or a comment by someone and create a whole saga , a whole tragedy out of our life. My life is a waste :D

When we make excuses or lies this is what we do, we consciously create a whole narrative to tell other people, what we are not realising is that, this is what our brain is doing to us as well. Its not exactly a lie, but it is making up a meaning full thread out of a string of facts, but there are so many facts that, there is creative liberty in how they can be arranged.

I think, Changing narrative experiment should be a one off thing, being aware of the narrative should be the staple 24/7 thing. This is where I disagree with The Secret, which recommends, changing narrative to positive as something staple, but then this may be what is required for people with seriously delimiting narratives- like anorexia etc.

Buddhist Metta or loving kindness meditation is one such, changing the narrative of our brain to positive type of meditation. Off course! Just realised Yoga nidra is ultimately aiming at achieving just this, we are asked to feel cold, then warm, heavy then light, pain and then pleasure, once you are expert at non emotional things like this, we can even attempt this at emotional things. :-) Gratitude journal is also this. which btw is such an amazing tool. It should be taught at school!

How it all fits

It feels like its all part of a big jigsaw puzzle. Each part getting clear at some point, slowly see that they may be joining in and merging into one thing. We dont know what the final picture is. Wait and watch. 

mirror mirror on the wall

Shit! The biggest illusion of all times has been staring at us in our face all the time and we didnt even know it! Literally staring at us in our face - in - the - mirror!

Stand about arms lenght from the mirror and look at your face, It looks life size? Now reach forward and meassure the size of the head (in the mirror not your own :-p ) with your hand, You will see that the reflection is actually tiny, only half the size! 4-5 inches!  You can compare the meassure with your real head and see that.  Even tho we know this, Our brain compensates for this size and we will not be able to accept that, the head in the mirror is small :-)

Fact by Betty Edwards in the book - Colour. She calls it size constancy, We need to get past this illusion to draw realistic drawings.
She is the same lady who wrote Drawing from the right side of the brain. I love her. Her perception of  how the brain works with respect to vision is just amazing. She is enlightened in that aspect :) Many artists over ride all these illusions naturally and draw, paint beautifully but they are not aware of it, Its instinct so they wont be able to tell you. She is exceptional in that, she is so analytical and aware of all these processes that are happening when she/people draw and paint accurate, So she is able to teach others how exactly to be like a natural artist! She is amazing :) I find her books fascinating and eye opening. 

Narratives not history, Narratives not news

We only have narratives not reality - Just like Ulidavaru Kandante :-) Life is just like Ulidavaru Kandante!
What is the origin of Sufis? One person said, Its Islam influenced by Hinduism, I saw a documentry which said Its Christian monks who got converted to Islam and continued thier monestic life, The book I am reading links then to Persiab Maggi. who were esoteric Zorashtrian priests from over 3000 years ago. I said, I am open to multiple narratives.
When talking about some other contemporary incident again I found myself asking, What is his narrative, Not - "what happened?" but  "What does he say happened?", Then I realised this and thought with social media, we hear so many versions of a story, there is no fact any more, only Alternate facts ;). There are only narratives, no truth.
But then, this is true, of everything not just "these days" and "social media". Whole of history is like that, narratives, not facts.  Our memories are like that! Its all narratives.
Two people can have totally different versions of the same incident and its perfectly fine because its all narratives. If facts are so questionable and variable then what about opinions and such? 

I am a philosopher

I am a philiospher :) This is a pompous thought but If I have to categotize my self, I would put myself up as this.

Reading this book about Isabel Dalhousie who is a philosopher, Its P G wodeshose type fiction, written mostly to voice out his thoughts by the author, Alexander McCall Smith. Nice easy going light read, I find, I too indulge in the same kind of reasoning and thinking as Isabel, wondering about the morality of things, thinking about differences between people and why, chastising myself for uncharitable thoughts but still thinking them, Basically enjoying thinking.

Wonder if that makes me a Philospher :) 

Wheel of life

Indian Moghal art was inspired by Persian Art, Which was Inspired by Chinese Art, Which was inspired by Ancient Indian Buddhist art!
Nepali and Tibetan Buddhist art is inspired by Chinese Art and Indian art. The Diety is drawn using Indian style, The surroundings in Chinese :-)

More on this art ...coming soon.
Sacred Geometry, Mandalas and Yantras and the effect of Geometry on our brain ( our software ) is fascinating! Cant wait to dig in and find out more.