safe life

I feel like I havent really seen life at all, I feel like I was in school before, now I feel like I am a graduate or a post graduate student, I know more, but I hardly am in it. I feel like I am leading this safe life and watching from the galleries and how ever much I grow up, it is going to be like this for me and for many of the people from my class, middle class Indians... we are not really into the ups and downs of life... most of the kannadiga middle class especially. We are making safe choices and leading a very safe life, our parents have given us a good education and enviromnet at home we study well and get a safe job and then we have a safe marriage and then we follow the same routine for our children, one or two misadventures do happen away from the normal path but not enough to screw up or change our life. We sometimes go and paddle our feet in life at times...- ok thats me, ( this doesnot apply to most of my class, they wont even do that much) but then retract and go back from life into our ... cages? or safely??
Why am I feeling this? I am reading this novel and I am so not relating to what is happening there... how many people get into real trouble by getting pregnant. its sucha bigggg bigg issue for people. even in revolutionary road.. its like some huge rock is put on your head at times.. and at other times people are estatic! Cant relate! Couldnt relate!

If I look back on my life... I dont feel like this... things have come and gone. When I am in the thick of things I do feel like I am involved, but at the end of it, I am kind of a detached soul amnt I? Why dont I swim in the river of life? why am I not in it ... I am not wet :D I mean I am not involved in life! I love my life now.. I love reading, I love finding out these things,, after the vacation I feel I have learnt how to live... I have found loads of things I really really love, I love my pets... but its all nice but when I see it -I mean when I see others lives I feel ( Its not about Drama!! boy !!! there is drama in my life or what!! ) I feel I am living a very protected life... who is protecting it? me? from very young age.. the people we meet.. all except one( not mentioning here :-) ) have been really nice people... why? how? are we too choosy in meeting people and going out and living...I not complaining about my life... there is this ... feeling its not really fear ... that I am living in a protected environment and not in the wild... you know.. like I am probably a zoo animal living in the comfort of a real nice zoo probably made by me... and there is wild out there which I dono of... AND I am definitely not complaining... I DONT WANT TO GO INTO THE WILD. I just want to look at the wild... read about the wild.. like I am reading now....I wonder if there is a wild and if I am in a zooo and who made the zoo. .. Actually I just hope I will be in the zoo till the end of life I am scared I dono anything about the wild I dont want to go there.. I am not sure it exists even... may be this is the wild but I know how to live in it? this is the wild that I have created and it is good? ?? :) I donoo..
Actually u know what I want to do, I totally dont want that wild to exist I want to live in the zooo and persue my hobbies.. and carry on with my life... I am just scared... its the same feeling that I wrote about in the other blog about to be or not to be.... same thing..
feeling of naivity ....I am stil naive and I am always going to be???? should I really bother to go and find out about not naive?

3/20/09 - 9:49AM