Raw nerve

I get upset at times, I get upset on comparision. from childhood. I used to get really wild when my aunts and uncles used to compare me with my cousins. why dont u grow ur hair long!! aah, how I hated it. What is their bloody problem. what for them. why dont they just mind their business and I will do what I want to do. dress as I please.

Wear a saree!!! X@W#$@$@!! Christ! or do some make up or wear jewellery. Especilay annoyed when my mom compares me to my sis in law. Why dont u dress up a lil. see ur sis in law, she is always wearing bright clothes. not annoyed when my mom-inlaw talks about my other sis in law;s buying 10k worht saree etc. because there is no comparision there I guess.

I'd built myself into a rebel, if I conform I used to feel miserable with myself. :-)

Why is it such a sensitive issue with me? why does "why dont u be like X" create such a strong emotional response in me. it brings out the "I am me. I am like this only" complex out very strongly. I dono why I am so stuck up with " I am like this only, I come with + and - . u need to take me just as I am. if u dont like it , then u can take a hike" complex. I am really really stuck up on this. Is this what u can call Individuality or identity .

I used to be really stuck up and proud of it, but now I am begining to think, there is chink in the armour. or rather I think I have an unnecessary armour.

Why this raw nerve. why do I so strongly say I dont care... It only means I actually do care, no? a lot actually. Most of the time things that affect you most are the ones you think are wrong with you. If someone called me blind- say because I wear specs, It does not affect me. If I felt bad about wearing specs then I would have minded. Same with being fat, I dont really think i am fat and these comments are clearly jokes. If someone made fun of my job for example... I think i would mind ...

The things mentioned above short hair etc.. I definitely dont think are wrong with me! but something must be there. if I take the logic further if I thought I was better than others, all these small things wouldnt affect me. may be in my mind I dont really feel so great about myself? and feel others are better? May be I dont feel i have the right to be as I want to be. specially I think I seek approval especially from people who are close to me, and I hate to admit it and act according to it. So anything that points to this, khatak ta hai??? May be..