Acceptance
                               Kindness 

             Clarity
                                          Sensitivity

                        Stillness

Goals for 2022

Clarity/Serenity/Peace of mind/Kind to self and others/Acceptance

Astral Projection/energy body/Arhatic Yoga

Do some good to others. 

Mindset yet again.

I wrote this sometime ago, Now I can see that I m applying growth mindset to different areas of my life successfully. I see experiments and efforts for what they are and not as failures. Its a bit hard to not feel scared of not knowing something at work. but I m less ashamed to ask and find out.  I see it especially in water colour painting. I m practicing without any fear or failure. I m enjoying just colouring rectangles to practice flat wash or graded wash. I didnt fold up the books when my first 10 flat washes were horribly streaky :-)                         

Mushroom growing - it took me a while to overcome the fixed mindset. I let it sleep for 6 months thinking this is too hard, but now I m keen to try and willing to fail. 

                                                               == * == * ==

Reading this book Mindset . This will be life changing. I have heard about this and read about this before but I am in the right frame of mind to accept this now?
I was on this same track already when I wrote this 

http://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2019/10/effort-goals.html

fixed mindset problems
value talent over effort
1) I got marks without studying - hence I am very smart
the people to studied and worked hard are not as smart as me.
2) I am ashamed of not knowing things , looking up how to do, or not being good at something untill I learn it. I have to be through with my learning as well, 
3) I am not interested in looking smart but I am interested in not looking dumb, being fooled is my biggest( :P ) fear, being used manipulated - Is this fixed mindset? may be not - but why do I chose to be afraid of this even when I am 40+  Why cant I learn to deal with this?

Individuals with a fixed mindset seek to validate themselves.
Individuals with a growth mindset focus on developing themselves.
And you secretly feel threatened and envious of the success of others.

Here’s list of questions to help you adopt an orientation toward growth (collected from various sections throughout the Mindset book):

• What can I learn from this?
• What steps can I take to help me succeed?
• Do I know the outcome or goal I’m after?
• What information can I gather? And from where?
• Where can I get constructive feedback?
• If I had a plan to be successful at [blank], what might it look like?
• When will I follow through on my plan?
• Where will I follow through on my plan?
• How will I follow through on my plan?
• What did I learn today?
• What mistake did I make that taught me something?
• Is my current learning strategy working? If not, how can I change it?
• What did I try hard at today?
• What habits must I develop to continue the gains I’ve achieved?

 Consistent Practice/Diligent Effort + Right Method = Growth
As Maslow articulated, when the delight of growth is greater than the anxiety of safety, we choose growth.

another Mantra from Mindset book ( This way it will get to #1 spot on my fav book list )
Its Hard! Its Fun!

https://www.businessinsider.com/satya-nadella-microsoft-mindset-book-2019-1?r=US&IR=T

What are my beliefs??? Are they fixed or growth ?
In some/ many areas I have growth mindset - In intelligence - atleast mine ;-) , I believe I can grow, Spiritual ability , Creativity, Drawing Painting - everybody's :D  I believe everyone can grown. Sports and Physical - Mixed, I believe there is some innate talent, but everyone can be much much better than what they are. This has changed since my childhood when I firmly believed I was un coordinated and that I couldn't dance. Some how after age 30 I started dancing well! he he frankly I don't know If I dance well at all actually I enjoy dancing, my co ordination also has improved, I would call myself sporty, I am very good at new sports even paddle boarding, ppl even asked me if I had done it before. So I am a proof so to speak. Drawing - I was reasonably good from before but  I have seen some people improve like crazy. Also there is the bizarre case of my friend who is like absolultey amazing at drawing but has a 5 year olds handwriting!
So inspite of this, I have fixed mindset in lot of areas of life - personality - coping ability, bravery, control on anger and moods, being good natured, social skills, Music ( How can this be! really!!  if Drawing can be picked up by anyone by training in the right way, why can't they pick up music? ! I am smart but see How blind I can be? ) 

Life is like a spider web

Life is like being stuck in a spider web, unfortunately the web is created by our own selves, Each strand in the web is our conditionings, its how much we value and give importance to things which probably dont really matter. We are stuck and struggling - all unnecessarily.  

One set of strands I noticed was  how much of a fuck we give to other peoples opinion

Me stuck in all the fucks I give :D 

Even people like me - I think of myself as someone who does not give a fuck about other peoples opinion. Sure! I do do things when other people don't approve but it still bothers me - I get angry about other peoples opinion. I do care but not enough to not do things! 

This is the truth about all rebels. Those who don't genuinely care are not rebelling. They are just going about doing their shit, quietly .

If you feel embarrassed, If you feel guilty, If you feel shy, if you feel proud, if you feel happy when people compliment, all this time you are giving fucks. It is very subtle and it is hard-wired as a social animal to be people pleaser.

Genuine acceptance is rare - There are very rarely spaces where u give up performing for others and just be ourselves, Where we allow others to be and ourselves to be. Ecstatic dance was one such space - Truly liberating and such a kind gesture. 

Ps: Can you tell that I read Subtle Art of not giving a fuck! Lol! Full confession - I gave up half way tho

More Cob webs 

My father, He was arguing about how computer science is the best career. May be it was 25 years ago, now there are more opportunities, I Say. He asked if you take an average How many computer engineers succeed vs any other profession! 

This stuck me! AVERAGE! AVERAGE! AVERAGE!

 He believed a girl could do Computer Engineering when whole society believed girls were only fit for making round rotis!  Like the father in Dangal!! I m so grateful for that !

but This! This is somewhat like father in Gully boy! LOL! 

I m realising How strong a influence by dad has had on my thinking - how much I myself am stuck in average

He strongly believes in being safe and aiming for being average not in aiming high - me too! 

He asked on an average how many people make it if they are not computer engineers? - Do I dare be anything else? Do I dare imagine myself being anything beyond average? Do I dare imagine myself heading a corporation or making a difference to lives of millions or writing a white paper even? 

Cob Webs wrap our perception,  cob webs limit our dreams. The web does not bind us, we are the spider after all but we dont know that :D We are stuck in our own web! 

Why did I name this blog TBD

Well I started a blog and I thought and thought and couldnt think of a name, I really wanted to start the blog - so I said, Ok let me start posting first and then lets name this thing.  So for now - TBD.  After a few years :D ya! Life goes on like that! :D  It felt so apt! like us, its still being done, still cooking - to be done! Beautiful and so Apt! 

I seem to get attached to my mistakes, my first name is my city name. Thanks to 18 year old me who wrote that in the passport! Changing the name is not hard but I couldnt bring myself to do it. Its a quirk I have come to love. I noticed I have a defunct blog with a typo, seems like I was reluctant to correct that as well... 

stone that polishes jewels

How shud we treat people who are causing us harm and difficulties in life? 

Master Marilag says You should treat them like a stone that is used to polish the jewel that is you, They are turning you into a shiny jewel. We shud thank them for making us stronger and more aware and move on. 

Sometimes we introspect and realise, we are the ones that have caused harm. What to do then? Should we feel guilt and regret?  If we have caused harm then we have been the stone that polished others. Sometimes we are jewel sometimes we are stone. That is the dance of karma :-) 

It is impossible to forgive others and to be kind to others if we do not forgive and treat our selves kindly.  

Possibly as our awareness increases, we be less of a tool to karma and so it dissolves... 

What is a cat

Cats are multidimensional beings! Really! They are part here and part in the other universe! ( Like the mice from Hitch Hikers Guide to The Galaxy! ) Trickster spirits, beings here to help us realise what this universe is all about. Cats are Monkey King like beings,  powerful, naughty, reluctantly helpful, mostly dont give a shit beings :-) 

This is what Sonu looks like in the other universe, The cat version of this, only he is the size of a 15 story building :-) 

Why do shrooms?

Psychedelics can be used for 

Level 1-  entertainment, for tripping , for getting cool experiences

Level 2 - They can be used to solve your mental problems 

Level 3 -  Use to advance spiritually.

I want to use for level 3:

My intentions 

I want to open my mind

I want to expand my mind

Who am I?

What is this universe?

What is behind this veil?

Who or What is Sonu?

What can I do to for the highest good of everyone, every being?

I want to be accepting and kind

I want to be less judgemental  

Why to write this down? Because intentions become unclear after interacting with the world, Other people have different goals and that will influence you. And when thing get difficult the question Why the fuck did I ever do this comes to mind! LOL! At that time I need to remember my intentions.

Also my mind is full of judgement against intoxicants be it alcohol or Ayahuasca and I needed this justification for my mind to stop feeling guilty and clear up. 

I think it was not judgement towards people who are doing this for level 1, It was fear of judgement by society. That fear is subtle and so deeply instilled in us its crazy.  

Aangan hi Teda tha!!

I have purchase so many painting and drawing instruction books in the past years.  I was not able to follow most of them to completion. I was really struggling. Many courses as well. I felt a little bad about it. I m not good enough to learn this may be? I am not determined enough may be and so on.

Now after a decade or something I have found this book -Water colour basics - Lets get started by Jack Reid and I realise - IT WAS NOT ME, IT WAS THEM!!! It was THEM! 

I dont know if every one has this tendency or its just me. I kind of blame myself in such situations. Now I m following the book , I m loving it.

Some books spent a time on how to hold the brush and how to select the paper until they bore u to death and then suddenly they do to paint this really complicated picture!!  Another one I have has pictures of intermediate stages of the painting and all the colours mapped out but if it try those steps nothing works.

This guy is like is starting from really basic stuff like paint pointy leaves with one stroke of brush, I have been painting for a decade and I couldn't do it! It was so much fun trying to master that - on news print.

Next was ok - now paint a flat wash! so basic and I didn't know. It took lot of tries to learn it. and now I do! and so proud! I just love love love this book.

It is kind of like at the perfect basic level at which I want the instructions to be! It suits me.

I realise it is much easier for artists to paint but really hard to teach others how to paint or draw. It is a rare skill. only some books and some teachers get it right. 

Lesson learnt - if you are not able to learn something blame the instructions! 

There is an Indian saying - Nach na jaane angan teda - Those who dont know to dance say the stage is tilted. Such a load of crap! :-D 

Moral of the story :  Trust in yourself, It is not possible for us to be bad at something - because GROWTH MINDSET! duh! :-)  The way it is being taught is wrong! 100%  Try in a different way. try a different teacher, try a slightly different skill and go from there.

I used to think I m crap and co-ordination and dance. Now I m pretty good ( If I say so myself! :-) ) So!

population sensus :-)

Fathers side
Grand pa - Grandma 11 kids 
11 kids -> 30 grand kids ( 1 didnt have children )
30 grand kids ->  approx 37 + ( max 7) great grand kids.  4 grandkids didnt have any children - 9 had 1 kid
fertility went from 11 -> 3 -> 1.5

11->30->37

Mother side
9 ->  7 had kids - 12 grand kids -> 4 great grand kids -  2 definitely dont/wont have kids, 2 had 1 kid and 1 had 2 kids  
6 grand kids can still have kids - so max 12 more kids , out of this 2 are unlikely to have kids, the other 4 may have 5 kids - making it 9 total.  

9->12->9

Just having your kids married off and having kids well before 1975 has resulted in 3 times the spread of genes are after "hum do humare do" was introduced.  out of 30 grand kids on my fathers side, 3 siblings are responsible for 16 of that and the rest 8 for only 14 kids. My mothers side none of the 9 kids married before 1970s and so stuck to 2 max.  

Lol! I just had to do this analysis, no purpose what so ever. 

perfect earth

I m seeing Expanse and some other Space movies/Series. 

Domes, Black Skys, no water... One person born and bought up on Mars in Expanse talks about ocean. He is thinking how wonderful it must be to have so much water that it forms an Ocean. How wonderful to have no domes, you can walk freely. Air water all free! Wow that hit home!

What we have now on earth... its so precious. I m trying to live my life without caring for now - Plastics, Climate change, over consumption, pesticides, fertilisers, Forest loss, extinctions.. Oh Hell! I m going to live for another 50 years Max may be? why should I care!? 

I didn't feel like this, but I felt frustrated. People mocking Climate change, and everyone carrying on as if no shit is happening. Why shud only I care? I felt like that and then decided to not care.

I m sitting and I can see Blue Skies outside, Plants trees birds insects .  free Oxygen to breath, water, every damn thing we need to live is there ready made!  So easy. We live in a perfect world,  What could beat 3 billion years of adjusting to an environment? 

People are dreaming of settling on the moon and mars, We cant even take care of what we have here and we think we will conquer the galaxy .... 

Faltu interests?

Do our interests go around in circles or are the base interests the same we try to jump to something more socially acceptable but drift back to our "core" interests?

I m feeling the pull of the same old things all over again :-) 

Flowering plants in the house, orange plant, Gardening,  Water colour painting, Clay modelling, Tibet/Buddhism/Astral Travel - Multiverse exploration, Fasting, Mushroom growing, Yeast/Fermentation God! I have a truck load of faltu interests! :-) and I love them

Promotions, growing in the company, learning to showing off my work, money, investments - the interests I tried hard to cultivate last one year, are falling off the wayside.

Hmmm! Feels like u can take a horse to the water but cant make it drink.  

A balance would be great. It is ok to have fun hobbies, but you need to be practical and have grown up interests if you are above 15 years old ;-) 

I dont kill spiders

Ya , The best way to make your house looks its worst is to have cobwebs all over! LoL I know!

They eat flies and sometimes catch cockroaches. I feel they are awesome and catch lot of harmful insects. I saw how one of them caught a huge moth, like 3 times it size mid air, Spider probably had some floating strands which caught the moth, The moth didnt have a chance. Not that moth is harmful. I m just admiring the skill of spiders. I like them :-) They don't scare me. I feel like let them be, in one corner its fine. 

Same with mushroom in toilet. LOL! That created a huge outrage in the office. 

This is why I don't have Friends ! 

And may be you should read this and come back and be my friend ;-)  

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25499718-children-of-time#

When did u become a liberal?

I am seriously offended by some blatant opportunistic communalisation happening right now. This guy clearly trapped and framed a few people to divert attention from how serious covid is. Pretneded to catch (Or really caught?) a scam and shamelessly blamed muslim workers, Unleashed a huge social media campaign against them and few others - a Muslim corporator and a Christian doctor. This is all standard right wing propaganda strategy.  My blood boils at such pieces of shit. I dont know if I should hate such bastards more if they were genuine in their hatered or if they are oppurtunistic ****s

Anyway the point is - some people  not offended by this, 2 types - those completly gone to the dark side - they are full-on on the hate side. They are like oh wow he is accusing muslims for crimes they didnt commit! Well done! They deserve it!! I hope they are punished. They are completely gone. no hope for them. 

Then there is another type , They let it pass. They make excuses for the guy. If he did a good job of catching a scam, it does not matter if he did a bad thing.  Well! it is all part of politics, Is there anyone else better? they are all the same. There is no hope for India ...  

I think, how can they not see this? how can they not see the propaganda? How can they tolerate this blatant shit?

Then I remember I supported Godi in 2014, He had come fresh off Godhra. He was accused of a genocide. I didnt believe it. I didnt believe he was involved in instigating the violence. How can you compare him to Hitler? It seemed excessive and over reaction to me.  

Then almost 6 years after, after seeing horrible forwards and messages from people, Now that people have started going Hail Hodi  I am realising what a fool I was. I think the people who saw it then, felt the same way about me as I m feeling about people who are not able to see the demon in Teju.  I was not full on dark side zombie but I didn't see. I think people who are not seeing now will also see like me sooner than later?

Timeline for when I started seeing that shit hit the fan

• Godi Govt Part 2 - social media propaganda shit
• Horrible forwards and hate among common people on Facebook
• Normal People going zombie and accusing muslims 
• Hating on NRI and foreigners, discrediting Academics and Liberals 
• blatant propagnada
• Party IT cell  - First felt Left was doing propaganda and had IT cells - I noticed that first, may be they started it first but right wing learnt fast and took it to another level all together . 
• PM cares fund not being used for migrant workers
• Sushant Singh media distraction and AI study 
• The last straw - Disha Ravi arrest

Similarly, there is a timeline for when I became non liberal as well, the milestone on that journey would be  Cancel culture, Choice feminisim, Blatant propaganda,  snowflakeness ... I think the first step there was when a Biologist made a comment that women in science were a distraction. Offcourse it was a sexist joke but the reaction to that was insane, Internet booing and jokes about him would have been enough, but his talks were canceled, He was probably fired and there were calls to take back his academic awards! The dawn of cancel culture. And we have no proof or even accusation of him actually being sexist and harming women in his career! Insane. This was first time I decided to step off the liberal train. 

blooger is a dinosaur

ya! isnt it? all the cool kids are on medium these days. Blogs used to be written by regular people who put their thoughts down like in an open diary. It was pre cancel culture and pre viral days. A bit safer to say things. Internet was still kind of new, and desktop was still the main portal to internet , not iphone. 

I guess now we have twitter for sharing thoughts?! Its not the same as long considered thought but who has the time for that?!  and it is perfect for small screen.

I used to like blogs and enjoyed the next blog feature to discover random blogs

http://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2011/09/next-blog.html

It was deprecated long ago, then I thought blogger is going to die. I m surprised, blogger is still alive :-) I was surprised when my blog turned 10 and still alive, now its 12 years. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should make it fully private,  Its not safe to express your thoughts these days and my blog even tho hardly anyone reads it, seems to be crawled by search sites .... 

Emperors new clothes

Are some of the girls who call themselves Transgender sexist?!

Hope they are all young teenagers, these people on reddit - who say they are transgender - trans men  because they dont like pink, because they feel they are not like other women, They like gaming, or because they are funny,  all the above and so on.

They are not only calling themselves trans, they are also diagnosing others - Oh that girl is trans because I felt the same before I came out etc! 

Because someone does not fit into the gender roles in the society - they label themselves trans!? They are not liberal or progressive, but they are steeped in stereotypes and they are sexist

 If you were black and you didn't like Jazz, would you call yourself trans white? (actually this is a thing, where some kids are shamed and called acting white when they defy stereotypes , so this is not isolated to this case!)

I wonder if these are people who are troubled teenagers with mental issues, Sure there are plenty of people with real gender identity disorder, but I am sure there are lots of confused young people who are calling themselves trans and nobody calls them out because of cancel culture. Nobody wants to tell the emperor he is naked for obvious reasons.

boyfriend?

Husband - This word has so much gravity and weight to it. It means something important. Fiancée does not do too badly. But boy friend?!? Its the same word people use to describe relationships of 11 years olds! For Gods Sake! 

Then 30 40 60 year old ppl have relationships with "boy friends"! They have children with their "boy friends". They dont believe in marriage which is fine but why is that relationship you have been in for 15 years and have 3 kids with - called the same name as a 2 week old juvenile relationship!?!  Why is a grown responsible working man, father, partner called a boy!? or a Friend even?!

LOL! Wrong no?!

I understand marriage is religious, for some it is too regimental, dont want to follow the rules of the society bla bla I am not even going there, but please! a better more worthy name for adult partners please!

ps: Same goes for girl friends and no capitals on purpose.

I wrote in this blog  http://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2021/04/how-should-one-bring-up-their-child.html

Another striking example was - today kids who are brought up by kind caring parents are doing very well for themselves, kids who are left to take care of themselves are getting into gangs and having a miserable life. No question about it that kind parents are doing better right? but What if - tomorrow war breaks out and situation turns out like in Syria or Congo or something? And their parents and relatives die? Who will do better in that chaos? Right? Every upbringing possibly has a silver lining - almost every one.   

 I was thinking of this in the context of Taliban taking over Kabul, The situation turned over night into a nightmare, It is exactly the situation where tough kids/tough adults may see that silver lining after all.

feeling nostalgic for things I have never had :) (Sofia)

Sofia Bulgaria, made me nostalgic. beatiful evenings, a long sunsets, slant sun rays and a mild breeze, beautiful parks, friends sitting on benches and talking, young and old, kids learning skate boards, kids running around.
Then late night, cool breeze, still busy parks with friends kids and old people - all cheeryful and carefree...
I love this, I love mild breeze and I love it when people are out and about at night, not trying to enjoy themselves like with shopping or partying or pubbing but hanging around like that, chilling.
I love it, It makes me nostalgic :D

Even tho such things were not part of my life AT ALL! Lol!!

 Even tho in my childhood there were no night visits to parks but .. Similar atmosphere was created rarely. When something very unusual happened ... every few years, something happened... just cant remember what - probably even serious things, like earth quake, or elderly neighbour passing away, may be a national tragedy like PM assassinated. Wait did this never happen under good circumstances? Lol! 

 All elders came out at night and started talking and us kids found a chance to run around and play at night under street lights with no one asking us to study. .. I associate such sweetness and such joy with such moments! :-)  Those were such treassured moments. Thats why it brought on nostalgia.

ps: This probably happend under good circumstances as well - Like when India won cricket world cup? Or may be even some weddings? but mostly it was under bad circumstances our parents forgot about us ! Lol! 

ps: Another thing I loved about Sofia is Sofia also had a culture of coffee houses, where old men sat and played some board game, and people just sat and chilled and chatted across tables. Oh How I love it! I love that culture. Apparently this is balkan culture. 

ps: Also another thing I loved about Sofia is they mistook me to be Bulgarian! Lol! I love it when that happens. Awww I look like one of you!! hehe ! I like.  To me, I dont look like them at all, but the number of times people just spoke to me in Bulgarian! :-) 

ps: I wrote a blog about imagining a place like this - :-) It is something close to my heart , this kind of atmosphere.  http://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2009/06/golden-evening.html

What is gender?

I think I have written about it before but lets go over it again

There is a physical gender - The body the genitals. Can be male, female , some times unclear.

There is the genetic gender XX female XY male, very interestingly, there is only one gene on the Y chromosome which makes the body male, XY body with that gene supressed produces a female body - probably infertile but never the less a female body.  Then there are XXX and XXY chromosomes. Which may lead to different physical genders. Different genetic genders map to the 3 physical genders roughly.

People with unclear physical gender were called Trans. 

Then there is sexuality.  Which gender a person is attracted to. Traditionally you are supposed to be attracted to different physical gender gender. Where does that put people with unclear gender? That issue is kind of swept under the blanket.

People who are attracted to different gender are called straight, to same gender are called gay, to both are called bi , attracted to none are called asexual.  You can be any physical gender and you can be any sexuality.

Then there is mental gender, which is unique from the physical gender . Most people have the same mental gender as their physical gender, but you may have opposite. For some people,  even tho physical gender is unclear, they may strongly identify with one physical gender. For some others, even tho physical gender is very clear, mentally they may be non binary, feel like one gender at certain times and another at other, or not feel like any particular gender at all. 

You can have any combination of mental gender physical gender and sexuality. Tho majority are same mental gender as physical gender and straight. The others are where it gets interesting and give us some insight into what gender is.

 Is it a social construct or a biological construct? Is it a scale? Or is it binary.  Like can someone feel like 50% woman, some one 100% woman ? does scale apply only to mental gender?  I find mental gender the most interesting , even sexuality is interesting as it is not obvious what causes it.  Again is it nature or nurture?  Is it hormones? How brain was formed at birth? Is it the hormones exposed to in the womb? Is it how you were brought up? 

I got a few answers from The Gene: An Intimate History by Siddhartha Mukherjee. 

There is evidence to show that male gayness may be genetic , inherited from the mothers side, it may be a gene/s on the X chromosome. Tho having the gene doesnot necessarily always make a man gay, they have not identified a single gay gene.  

They identified that mental gender is not determined by the society but it is hardcoded. For example kids with unclear genitals were brought up say as a girl, but if their mental gender was boy, they were very disturbed by it. They were very clear that they were a boy and not a girl. The behavious associated with a girl/boy may be dictated by the society, but whether u feel like a male or female is hard coded - I am not sure if this is a product of physical body or if it is just some construct in the brain. 

The book said the gender identity in the brain expected some hormones to exist in the body and became agitated( !! uncomfortable) if these were not present. It was found that transgender people felt some comfort or relief when they received hormone theraphy. It seemed as if the gender identity in the mind was satisfied when those hormones were found in the body.  ( Ok I m using words like agitated and satisfied as if our brain were a person, I m anthropomorphising so I can understand it easily ) So it is not all in the mind. 

I used to wonder why Trans people go to such lenghts to change the gender of their body, especially in the past when it was so risky you could lose your life ( The Danish Girl) , This may explain the compulsion. 

 Interestingly Yoga or Philosophy has another take on gender, It says its just another label, like nationality, self. so people who are enlightened lose the feeling of their gender. They dont feel like either man or woman. They just are. Soul after all is genderless. It is said that Buddhist monks and nuns who are deeply into meditation are in this state they dont identify with gender. 

Non binary - I find this very fascinating. This is similar to the genderless state of the monks - cultivated by the development of the mind by constant meditation. It means that the feeling of feeling like a man and like a woman is different and some one who is gender fluid experiences both!? 

I have always thought gender is something reinforced from outside. I never thought there is a feeling from inside like this. I wonder if I feel it?  

Still inspite of all this , when I read about accounts of non binary or about myself. Its still not clear what gender is to me. 

Dress wise, behaviour wise, I know I am most comfortable staying somewhat close to gender neutral but not quite. I wouldnt think of myself as non binary at all.  As an experiment I imagined myself with long flowing locks and it is uncomfortable. But I am conformtable with long locks braided up ( ala Lara Croft :-P ) . I m comfortable in a cute dress, a skirt ( female enough) but not in a saree . I m not comfortable in make up. Is this all about how it lines up with my mental image? Why is my mental image like this? Is this function of my taste or a function of the hormones in my body or how my brain is wired or what?! 

It seems like I am ok with gender but not with sexual maturity.

It is an interesting question to ponder. 

Rant

There was this guy Tejaswi Surya - a politician in Bangalore,  fucked with lives of 17 young innocent muslims, Openly on camera , to get some political milage. There was absolutely no fault of theirs, their names were listed, they were accused of crimes purely because they were muslim, knowing fully well there were not at fault. They were even fired at that time.  I was outraged by it. My blood boiled, how dare ! That bastard!  Lot of people were outraged - Voices were raised, and these guys were probably reinstated. But I noticed one thing -  the angry voices were all liberals. Strangely I didnt see much outrage from muslim groups! 

There are always some muslim leaders who are very sensitive and very fast to give out fatwas against these artists, you wrote a story, a cartoon, you showed the cartoon in school, - Fatwa!!! They raise hell, bray for blood. 

But nothing against this Bastard Surya?!! He is clearly an Islamophobe.  Isnt that strange?

Then I noticed there is no fatwa against any Islamophobes - Modi? yogi? Trump? Is there a fatwa? No...

Tasleema Nasreen, Sulman Rushdie, Charlie Hedbo - yes, These guys didnt fuck with any person because they are muslim , They do not hate muslims do they? I dont think so ... But still there are people enraged enough to kill them. 

Very strange the way religious outrage works.

We will fuck you if you fuck with the image of our religion, fair enough but we will let you off easy if you fuck with people of our religion?! Really?

I wonder if they target the weak - artists/press but not strong like politicians and thats why it is like that? 

Or do these Islamphobic b#####ds provide the exact fuel the religious leaders need to keep their influence going? Partners in crime a symbiotic relationship. You do the same to your religion what I do to mine and we both reap benefits.  Hindu outrage also has been towards film makers, painters etc

The follower fanatics are like mindless zombies ready to go where they are aimed at. The leaders are very logical and practical and very clever. Their agenda is clearly not the well fare of their own religion :-( It is to make fools of people and to control them :-( 

I hate how easy it is to fool people , people are like sheep, people are like mindless fucking zombies . I hates people.