changes since arhatic

Changes since Arhatic..
1)respect for Guru - I understood the importance of Guru, or how much of a difference a guru can make. every person who teaches you somehting should deserve that respect, then ur learnings will be multi fold.
2)respect for donations and service - the way I am feeling obligated is new. I am a bit scared I am brain washed?, i am a bit scared Ill give away too much I guess that happens when u are not used to giving away. :P
3) karma implications of everything I do :D , that a bit of a nuisance :) I wonder( not worry but wonder) too much about the -ve karma anything will generate. I am afraid to think anything will generate positive karma because a) I feel if I think i am generating good karma, it may be taken away because of pride! hehe!! told u it was a nuisance b) There is this stupid modestly type of feeling in me( inherited ??), which sometimes interferes with me thinking good and positive things about myself. it sucks- i see it in few of my friends and that modesty is useless and it really sucks... actually there is always that pride in being modest :P
I am a bit scared I am gonna become like Iskon character if I go on :) then I have seen Surekha aunty and all I think that level of ... devotion(?) is bearable.. I dont mind becoming like that.


Re-inforceing
ps: after a month after the course the effect of this is not as strong as it was.
this is why I liked when that trainer stressed on "reinforcing" in the PEP course. whats the big deal u ask? I ( used to) feel it is beneath me to reinforce, I expect that the effect of any learning should be as strong as ever regardless of the time. Time should not have any effect on the effectiveness of any of my learning :) pride? or some stupid value that was. but PEP made me think it is ok to try and reinforce things , its ok to put in some effort into making things stay in my head. It is natural for time to make things fade, if u want to go against that fading, u have to keep painting it up newly :P every paint is not Apex utlra weather coat :P

bhakti

To clarify - this is not about my bhakti but bhakti in general.


ayappa songs being played in cab, driver also put up a video.. i would have been irritated by it before but this time i could feel his bhakti... the devotional songs bring out such strong emotions in people. (May be that explains no women and all that in the temple... should not get so angry looking at it from feminist angle...men are kinda mad when they are intoxicated with anything.. even love for god :-P just like its not good for women to be in a bars at night... :P anyway they didnt care much for womens spirituality! yeah that is still bad...)
Also felt how many routes of spritual development were blocked to other poorer castes and women in olden times, not only spiritual teachings, arts as well( music for one).... but bhakti route is open to one and all, my granma... ayappa devotes.. those dalit dancers in 9 lives book.. thats why there is so much passion in it..sufis.. meera bai....no one could stop them. its about divine love...its all beautiful. bhakti is beautiful....reminded me bhakta kumbara...today I felt I would start dancing and have tears in my eyes if i got too involved with the songs..it is easy to get carried away in bhakti..one of these days i am afraid ill stand up and dance and lose myself in this .. maybe I should try it ... and just let go?
(I think this acceptance of bhakti comes by reading Ayp site)