11-05-2012 - being understanding about traditions

Traditions - Mutaide Bhagya and all. Married women are supposed to wear 5 symbols of womenhood or whatever bangles, chains, bindi etc etc. Hate and anger at such things? I realised why it was probably mandated.. if u look at western women in their 40s and 50s most of them take care of themselves, use makeup and make themselves presentable. but Indian women in their 40s and 50s? their whole world is their husband and children...they dont give a damn about their looks many times.. if not for such mandates their husbands would leave them! LoL!! :-D  Now seriously, just look at an Indian Hindu woman and an Indian non Hindu woman.. Hindu women look attractive because the bindi -adds color to the face.. in the absence of make up. especially when they are getting on. (OK This seems a bit racist/religionist/agist without context but that was the feeling at that time and I am not going to be politically correct about it! ) and as for gold..Jewellery is the only wealth the women posses..so! Having rules is not great but they were probably made by good intentioned nice clever people no? with no malice?

12/02/2012 - Old Rant about Fixed mindset

This is a rant about fixed mindset - But at that time I didnt know about Growth mindset /fixed mindset but Fixed mindset seems to have annoyed me. Seems like it was deemed too private and vulnerable to share at that time but now I feel its ok to publish - 25/05/2022

"You read so many spiritual books, u give so much gyan but u still get angry?"
"Thats why I dont read those books, because I wont be able to follow them"
"U were crying buckets seeing nature, now u are angry, what happened?"
These statements offended me! why?

I hate this about some people,  they are so bloody cynical. I hate it.

Why cant I accept them being cynical?
is the superiority, condescending nature irritate me?
They seem to be telling "I wont read good books because I wont be able to follow them! U read those books and U dont follow them So I am superior to you!"
The statement start off with a -ve "I wont be able to follow." the assumption itself is sick.
Second thing is they expect themselves to be perfect and follow everything that they read, like some very staunch (Kattar) followers I hate that. I like flexible.
Third thing is they think it's either all or nothing, "I wont be able to do all so I wont do nothing". I hate that as well
That is so left brained. Always measuring are u successful? How successful? What is the percentage of success etc 

I got very angry, it was taunting me and questioning me... like saying - You are fail. My ego got hurt.
I m first of all trying to not get into that mode of measuring and weighing up myself all the time.

small miracles that shouldnt be forgotten -06/11/2011

tiny coincidences or is it magic?
walking to bus stop at night, suddenly i miss my kittens, i want a kitty, i want a kitty, I want a kitty, And there it is! one cute lil kitten sitting in front of someone;s porch.
Feeling nostalgic bout Tom Sawyer, I want huckelberry finn!!! next day I am talkign to parents and browsing thru books in office library, I just pick one up absent mindedly and guess which one it is :)
Went off to parkour class, forgot to look up the meeting place! Oops! I dont even have a smart phone, nor do I have anyones phone  number! I dont want to miss the class!! oh what to do! What to do! I can wait near the station and hope someone from the class passes that way- but station has like 10 entrances!!!
waitn for 15 mins no one turns up. only 5 mins more and no one passes by yet. :-(
I see this beggar/hippie asking for money. my principle - dont give money... but long haired hippy I end up looking at his face, twinkle in his eye! and wicked smile :) Okay! I think Ill give him my change, but too embarrassed to dig into purse in front of him, I go into station dig out 20p, n come out - beggar s like Vanished!! oh well! but I see a girl from parkour walking towards me :-D and she knows the way too!! cool or what! :) It felt like Raj Kumar movie God comes and tests him in different Veshas :D hehe! Seriosuly freaky! :D I think that beggar vanished with a "Dhang!!!!! " noise just like in old kannada movies :)
Blood test at the hospital( dont panic,It was just routine :P), It takes one and half hours waiting. go at 7 30 and it opens only at 9, if u go later, then its wait for hours.( Yeah NHS is like that only,but/because it is absolutely free. I was cribbing bout NHS untill I met this American girl who was so grateful about free healthcare that she had tears in her eyes!!!) . so went in at 7 30, . I see an old man roaming around in the hospital looking confused and lost, looking at boards searching...there are lot of people to ask but he din ask anyone for help.. Should I go ask him whats up? He is far away.. 8 o clock. We get our coupon numbers, mine is 4. Ill be out by 9. Old man still eating my head, OK! Ill just go and ask that old man whats up anyway,  i have coupon now.. I go find him. Naw he is allright, he is waiting for some dept to open up! :-) but he was happy I asked anyway :P  I come back and surprise! that day nurses have some meeting so they decided to start the tests immediately and its my turn! I m out by 8 5! instead of 9 5! :-) was it a reward for being good girl? 

28/02/2013 - Seems like a healing tapping session report.

28/02/2013 - Seems like a healing/ tapping / past life regression -DIY?  Anyway its a session report from long ago - I used to struggle a lot with coughs, then poor me. Panchakarma has healed it, cough free since .. 2016? 2017? 2018? 

Had a wonderful healing session yesterday
It was amazing.
Putting these in words, I m still learning to put these experiences in words in a nice way which makes me happy and which is a nice read as well.
Yesterday I went and blessed my old self and then I reckoned that my future self which is much smarter than me must me blessing and healing me right now
such a wonderful feeling that! I did feel her come and kiss my cheek too and then I felt this fairy queen also come and kiss my cheek, green dress and a gold band she had on.

So many things happen, I need to put them all in words fast and nicely
My eyes were prefect at one point when I woke up and night and then I tapped into accepting the blessings and miracles in my life

I did feel like I released a lot of old stuff and felt cleaned and healed from inside. I let go of a lot of things with respect to sight and seeing.

I m trying a new thing these days, going into dungeons and basements (in my mind) and looking for things..
then I think I found the reason for my cough, touching my head and neck and back when I cough seems to feel better.
Oh yeah I seemed to regress into childhood in my vision I blessed my self  then I because a lil baby I did a oil massage for the lil baby and I felt really good
Then I seemed to regress into nothing and then into a old lady, it was one ugly lady then an english lady with white hair and then another lady ... no connection with these women tho, except with the ugly one, I could talk to her, the others din feel like me. the baby surely was me! I felt it. and whatever I did to her I could feel the comfort.
I need to tap a lot more to release this cough
I think this is the last cough and cold I m going to get in my life, I m learning from my body I m listening to it this time

The one time when I shaved my head

When I was writing my 12th std exams, It seemed like the most important thing in this world is getting a computer science engineering seat.  Maths exam - realised I had read a question wrong - 12 marks questions! Panic! I pledged that I would shave my head as dedication to god if I managed to get a seat in Engineering. 

Things were not so bad after all Physics and Chemistry made up for it and I landed a seat. Now it is promise full fill time! Shaving your head is apparently a big deal in India, Actually everywhere. People are shocked by it! I have a post about that. Anyway it was promise full fill time and every one was 

I did it. I had to keep my word, Did I believe something bad will happen to me if I didn't do it ? No. But I had said I will do it and I had to do it.

I m so proud of the 16 year old me for this! She was so brave and so sincere! It shows strength of character.  There were 1001 religious loop holes, may money, walk up the mountain instead , just cut a strand etc.  She could have taken any of them, but didn't . stood true to word.

I was reminded of this when I talked to school friend recently, She said it was so brave of you to do it! and I have never seen it that way! Yes indeed it was! I decided to be proud of that me :-) 

Ps Extra insight : This is why I find people who dont keep their word so infuriating . People are so casual about it - "Hey I m not feeling like it, I cant make it today." "Oh I told you I would do it .. but he he Sorry I cant!"  "Oh I didnt mean it... "  For them saying words are casual - When I get angry , they dont understand - They ask me, Did I take an oath?  Geeta pe haath rakh ke kasam khaya tha kya :-) OR they say So?! Sue me. They feel - Why is she acting like it is such a big deal? 

Me - I fancy myself to be mini Bhisma Pitamaha or something! LOL! No Not really! but clearly it matters.

This is the thing with values, we don't just impose it on ourselves we impose it , without their permission, without their knowledge, on others :-)  ( someone said this about being nice on reddit I am copying) 

           Acceptance
                               Kindness 

             Clarity
                                          Sensitivity

                        Stillness

Goals for 2022

Clarity/Serenity/Peace of mind/Kind to self and others/Acceptance

Astral Projection/energy body/Arhatic Yoga

Do some good to others. 

Mindset yet again.

I wrote this sometime ago, Now I can see that I m applying growth mindset to different areas of my life successfully. I see experiments and efforts for what they are and not as failures. Its a bit hard to not feel scared of not knowing something at work. but I m less ashamed to ask and find out.  I see it especially in water colour painting. I m practicing without any fear or failure. I m enjoying just colouring rectangles to practice flat wash or graded wash. I didnt fold up the books when my first 10 flat washes were horribly streaky :-)                         

Mushroom growing - it took me a while to overcome the fixed mindset. I let it sleep for 6 months thinking this is too hard, but now I m keen to try and willing to fail. 

                                                               == * == * ==

Reading this book Mindset . This will be life changing. I have heard about this and read about this before but I am in the right frame of mind to accept this now?
I was on this same track already when I wrote this 

http://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2019/10/effort-goals.html

fixed mindset problems
value talent over effort
1) I got marks without studying - hence I am very smart
the people to studied and worked hard are not as smart as me.
2) I am ashamed of not knowing things , looking up how to do, or not being good at something untill I learn it. I have to be through with my learning as well, 
3) I am not interested in looking smart but I am interested in not looking dumb, being fooled is my biggest( :P ) fear, being used manipulated - Is this fixed mindset? may be not - but why do I chose to be afraid of this even when I am 40+  Why cant I learn to deal with this?

Individuals with a fixed mindset seek to validate themselves.
Individuals with a growth mindset focus on developing themselves.
And you secretly feel threatened and envious of the success of others.

Here’s list of questions to help you adopt an orientation toward growth (collected from various sections throughout the Mindset book):

• What can I learn from this?
• What steps can I take to help me succeed?
• Do I know the outcome or goal I’m after?
• What information can I gather? And from where?
• Where can I get constructive feedback?
• If I had a plan to be successful at [blank], what might it look like?
• When will I follow through on my plan?
• Where will I follow through on my plan?
• How will I follow through on my plan?
• What did I learn today?
• What mistake did I make that taught me something?
• Is my current learning strategy working? If not, how can I change it?
• What did I try hard at today?
• What habits must I develop to continue the gains I’ve achieved?

 Consistent Practice/Diligent Effort + Right Method = Growth
As Maslow articulated, when the delight of growth is greater than the anxiety of safety, we choose growth.

another Mantra from Mindset book ( This way it will get to #1 spot on my fav book list )
Its Hard! Its Fun!

https://www.businessinsider.com/satya-nadella-microsoft-mindset-book-2019-1?r=US&IR=T

What are my beliefs??? Are they fixed or growth ?
In some/ many areas I have growth mindset - In intelligence - atleast mine ;-) , I believe I can grow, Spiritual ability , Creativity, Drawing Painting - everybody's :D  I believe everyone can grown. Sports and Physical - Mixed, I believe there is some innate talent, but everyone can be much much better than what they are. This has changed since my childhood when I firmly believed I was un coordinated and that I couldn't dance. Some how after age 30 I started dancing well! he he frankly I don't know If I dance well at all actually I enjoy dancing, my co ordination also has improved, I would call myself sporty, I am very good at new sports even paddle boarding, ppl even asked me if I had done it before. So I am a proof so to speak. Drawing - I was reasonably good from before but  I have seen some people improve like crazy. Also there is the bizarre case of my friend who is like absolultey amazing at drawing but has a 5 year olds handwriting!
So inspite of this, I have fixed mindset in lot of areas of life - personality - coping ability, bravery, control on anger and moods, being good natured, social skills, Music ( How can this be! really!!  if Drawing can be picked up by anyone by training in the right way, why can't they pick up music? ! I am smart but see How blind I can be? ) 

Life is like a spider web

Life is like being stuck in a spider web, unfortunately the web is created by our own selves, Each strand in the web is our conditionings, its how much we value and give importance to things which probably dont really matter. We are stuck and struggling - all unnecessarily.  

One set of strands I noticed was  how much of a fuck we give to other peoples opinion

Me stuck in all the fucks I give :D 

Even people like me - I think of myself as someone who does not give a fuck about other peoples opinion. Sure! I do do things when other people don't approve but it still bothers me - I get angry about other peoples opinion. I do care but not enough to not do things! 

This is the truth about all rebels. Those who don't genuinely care are not rebelling. They are just going about doing their shit, quietly .

If you feel embarrassed, If you feel guilty, If you feel shy, if you feel proud, if you feel happy when people compliment, all this time you are giving fucks. It is very subtle and it is hard-wired as a social animal to be people pleaser.

Genuine acceptance is rare - There are very rarely spaces where u give up performing for others and just be ourselves, Where we allow others to be and ourselves to be. Ecstatic dance was one such space - Truly liberating and such a kind gesture. 

Ps: Can you tell that I read Subtle Art of not giving a fuck! Lol! Full confession - I gave up half way tho

More Cob webs 

My father, He was arguing about how computer science is the best career. May be it was 25 years ago, now there are more opportunities, I Say. He asked if you take an average How many computer engineers succeed vs any other profession! 

This stuck me! AVERAGE! AVERAGE! AVERAGE!

 He believed a girl could do Computer Engineering when whole society believed girls were only fit for making round rotis!  Like the father in Dangal!! I m so grateful for that !

but This! This is somewhat like father in Gully boy! LOL! 

I m realising How strong a influence by dad has had on my thinking - how much I myself am stuck in average

He strongly believes in being safe and aiming for being average not in aiming high - me too! 

He asked on an average how many people make it if they are not computer engineers? - Do I dare be anything else? Do I dare imagine myself being anything beyond average? Do I dare imagine myself heading a corporation or making a difference to lives of millions or writing a white paper even? 

Cob Webs wrap our perception,  cob webs limit our dreams. The web does not bind us, we are the spider after all but we dont know that :D We are stuck in our own web! 

Why did I name this blog TBD

Well I started a blog and I thought and thought and couldnt think of a name, I really wanted to start the blog - so I said, Ok let me start posting first and then lets name this thing.  So for now - TBD.  After a few years :D ya! Life goes on like that! :D  It felt so apt! like us, its still being done, still cooking - to be done! Beautiful and so Apt! 

I seem to get attached to my mistakes, my first name is my city name. Thanks to 18 year old me who wrote that in the passport! Changing the name is not hard but I couldnt bring myself to do it. Its a quirk I have come to love. I noticed I have a defunct blog with a typo, seems like I was reluctant to correct that as well... 

stone that polishes jewels

How shud we treat people who are causing us harm and difficulties in life? 

Master Marilag says You should treat them like a stone that is used to polish the jewel that is you, They are turning you into a shiny jewel. We shud thank them for making us stronger and more aware and move on. 

Sometimes we introspect and realise, we are the ones that have caused harm. What to do then? Should we feel guilt and regret?  If we have caused harm then we have been the stone that polished others. Sometimes we are jewel sometimes we are stone. That is the dance of karma :-) 

It is impossible to forgive others and to be kind to others if we do not forgive and treat our selves kindly.  

Possibly as our awareness increases, we be less of a tool to karma and so it dissolves... 

What is a cat

Cats are multidimensional beings! Really! They are part here and part in the other universe! ( Like the mice from Hitch Hikers Guide to The Galaxy! ) Trickster spirits, beings here to help us realise what this universe is all about. Cats are Monkey King like beings,  powerful, naughty, reluctantly helpful, mostly dont give a shit beings :-) 

This is what Sonu looks like in the other universe, The cat version of this, only he is the size of a 15 story building :-) 

Why do shrooms?

Psychedelics can be used for 

Level 1-  entertainment, for tripping , for getting cool experiences

Level 2 - They can be used to solve your mental problems 

Level 3 -  Use to advance spiritually.

I want to use for level 3:

My intentions 

I want to open my mind

I want to expand my mind

Who am I?

What is this universe?

What is behind this veil?

Who or What is Sonu?

What can I do to for the highest good of everyone, every being?

I want to be accepting and kind

I want to be less judgemental  

Why to write this down? Because intentions become unclear after interacting with the world, Other people have different goals and that will influence you. And when thing get difficult the question Why the fuck did I ever do this comes to mind! LOL! At that time I need to remember my intentions.

Also my mind is full of judgement against intoxicants be it alcohol or Ayahuasca and I needed this justification for my mind to stop feeling guilty and clear up. 

I think it was not judgement towards people who are doing this for level 1, It was fear of judgement by society. That fear is subtle and so deeply instilled in us its crazy.  

Aangan hi Teda tha!!

I have purchase so many painting and drawing instruction books in the past years.  I was not able to follow most of them to completion. I was really struggling. Many courses as well. I felt a little bad about it. I m not good enough to learn this may be? I am not determined enough may be and so on.

Now after a decade or something I have found this book -Water colour basics - Lets get started by Jack Reid and I realise - IT WAS NOT ME, IT WAS THEM!!! It was THEM! 

I dont know if every one has this tendency or its just me. I kind of blame myself in such situations. Now I m following the book , I m loving it.

Some books spent a time on how to hold the brush and how to select the paper until they bore u to death and then suddenly they do to paint this really complicated picture!!  Another one I have has pictures of intermediate stages of the painting and all the colours mapped out but if it try those steps nothing works.

This guy is like is starting from really basic stuff like paint pointy leaves with one stroke of brush, I have been painting for a decade and I couldn't do it! It was so much fun trying to master that - on news print.

Next was ok - now paint a flat wash! so basic and I didn't know. It took lot of tries to learn it. and now I do! and so proud! I just love love love this book.

It is kind of like at the perfect basic level at which I want the instructions to be! It suits me.

I realise it is much easier for artists to paint but really hard to teach others how to paint or draw. It is a rare skill. only some books and some teachers get it right. 

Lesson learnt - if you are not able to learn something blame the instructions! 

There is an Indian saying - Nach na jaane angan teda - Those who dont know to dance say the stage is tilted. Such a load of crap! :-D 

Moral of the story :  Trust in yourself, It is not possible for us to be bad at something - because GROWTH MINDSET! duh! :-)  The way it is being taught is wrong! 100%  Try in a different way. try a different teacher, try a slightly different skill and go from there.

I used to think I m crap and co-ordination and dance. Now I m pretty good ( If I say so myself! :-) ) So!