eye opens...or does it?

‎"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." ~ Oscar Wilde

Very easy to identify with this Quote..

it is very common in the society to label a person as selfish if that person lives as he wishes.... no body can stand a person who dares live as he wishes.. society and the conformists in it hate it and then they tag him - selfish.

There is such pleasure, such a sense of liberation, its most of our dream to live just as one wishes...and not submit to others desires. Especially my generation, how we crave to live as we want to but feel tied.. but cant..feel like our wings cut...

due to others selfishness :-) :-) we all like to play victim ...

asking others to live as one wishes to live.. we always find that others do this to us.. oh the misery! the misry of doing as others wish....and me? I am never like this!! right? or Am I?

Ive been troubled and irritated at times past couple of days angry and pissed off..

The misery and anger why do u think it comes..

My husband drinks too much, my husband does not talk to me as I wish him to talk, my husband is always using cuss words... My husband...Grrrrr Bottom Line... My husband does not live as I wish him to live!!!

For that matter - my mom does not throw away old stuff - keeps hording everything, my mother in law - she follow all these age old customs, keeping sucha big bindi, these stupid UK people always wearing black even in winter- why cant they wear color,These stupid people always use cuss words,These bramhins they are so educated and in good jobs but they still do madi (Untouchability)! god!These Muslim ladies and their Head scarfs and tights!!!!(roll eyes)... Irritating isnt it? All these bloody people do not live as I wish them to live!!

and That my dear friend is what I WISH them to do and that my dear friend is SELFISHNESS??? :)

Asking others to live as one wishes to live - if u are dominant type a - like Taliban and Hitler will bring untold misery to others.

If you are the non dominant( I wouldnt call submissive- submissive surrender probably does not cause them any misery! I dono thats not me) then it brings untold misery to you. you blame others for it, but ultimately its you who is responsible for this suffering. Its called Expectations in common terms - Its not painted as Selfish. but apply Oscar's definition and it is anything but selfish..

Is having expectations wrong then? do u like others having expectations from you? no?then? ?

Sadly.. yes sadly, Life is not as simple as all this.. as simple as eyes opening and closing...as black and white.

There are bloody grey areas...no? and multi coloured ones. Life is a struggle trying to make sense of this mess.. trying and trying.. but u keep trying...because.. you and only you are responsible for it - u want the fault to be with you because its is probably easier to solve. u can do it yourself. if the problem is with others it is not easy to solve. thats a rant.. anyway..

What defines expectation and when does it cross over into selfishness...is there a non selfish expectation? is it ok to have them? What is fair and what isn't? Where do u draw the line..

Govt wishes us to live by the law. is the Govt selfish? :)

a) my children will take care of me when I am old. ( when I saw this in Babul movie, I felt stupid selfish father, but when I saw the same situation in School master- I cried - selfish children.. I couldnt think of father as stupid or selfish..poor dear father. that old man)

b) my children will study well and get into engineering/medicine.( my dad had this expectation and I loved him for that. but if I didnt want it, then it would become selfish? does the cost matter and also the motive. 3 idiots anyone? )

c) my children will study well and become decent individuals.( this does not sound selfish because it is very flexible. but this expectation can also cause misery to the parents...if the kid is "Madhuri dixit banna cha ti hun" type or worse tapori type like that one who wants to write Geetha I love u on walls :D)

d) I dont care what happens to my children...( is this a realistic option?)

so .. it turns out .. we may HAVE TO( or rather we WILL) have expectations. Is it ok to have them? but as we saw above not having expectations is not an option, not a realistic one at-least. you can have a weird life like that- if u are Buddha .

( let us leave aside for now, the moral(?) question of whether expectations are selfish or not. Whether it depends on the motive of the expectation, the flexibility etc)

The question for us mortals is - It causes us misery and what do we do about them.

No answer

... should we add love to this equation? :) ( watching bollywood movie and recently read paulo coehlo...:P)

Love makes it all bearable?? others expectation or ours? or is it a two edged sword used to twist arms.. filmy dad who get heart attack - I will die if u dont marry this boy types in movies?

Does it makes the pain from expectations bearable... does it?

This discussion is still under progress...

Dream

Rachel and George Clooney went to a premier... As usuall Rachel is fussy - she says we are not in black and white.. u sit on the mens side and Ill sit in the womens...as soon as they enter.. she gets all flustered.. O O how do I know which side is women and which side is men... ( but hello!!! U can SEE the people sitting!:)) too late...they are ushered away and Rachel is sitting awkwardly with some boring (serious) men and George is being wooed by some 20 women.. :D

too much friends? BTW George Clooney and Rachel - awesome couple. :) He was lookin really awesome in black suit with thin fitting trousers.

lessons

Todays news there is this boy- footballer I think - killed himself because his girlfriend ditched him for some other guy - she came back later... he killed himself after a few months anyway. There is this another gun wielding middle aged man who went and threatened employers of his wife because they sacked her and them shot himself at the end of the drama... Pitiable..

This is how it is to be under control of anger/sadness.. is like this whole new person/personality takes u over and makes u do things which u would never do in your senses. urging on. pushing ,tormenting u with these torterous thoughts and feelings on and on - untill you jsut want to get rid of it...even if u do some serious damage -its like this devil who wont let up without his blood sacrifice.

Ive been there...usually this temper urges on to do something bad all right - like go break a glass or tear up things and burn something..hit yourself, kick yourself....ok but I act smarter -I listen and dont act.. but bottling up and controling is not enough. Its sneaky, it slips out and does damage.. subconsciously may be. thats when it reminds me of Louise hay- how she says our thoughts can make our future..

I was really really angry.. like this.. when this anger got hold of me.. but controlled myself really hard and didnt do anything harmful... got hungry -was fixing myself lunch and boom - really really hot rasam spills all over me and I have this huge horrid burn on my hand and face and eyes!!! It burnt and stung for hours and hours ...and hurt for days...

Guilt - buddy doggy broke his leg, someone hit it and its leg got fractured. I din know that it was fractured all right, I thought young doggy will recover by itself.. 2 weeks didnt recover.. took him to doc. doc says oh his fracture is healed.. but his leg will be crocked because the bones have joined at an angle. I was hit by guilt.. if only Id taken this doggy earlier to doc - he wouldnt walk limping all his life... I go around mopping and feeling guiltly for a few weeks -every time I see the doggy -guilty. and what happens - I slip from the bed! at home -twist my ankle - sprain and fracture and bed ridden with a cast for 2 weeks!!! ( doggy has no trace of limp after a month! he did recover) Its as tho I punish myself for these things unconsciously..Its like its not enough to use will power and control the thoughts u have to not have them at all in the first place.

how how how damn important it is!!This of letting go and forgiving.. I m someone who is learning this from books since 2 years now? and i still have so much trouble with this....Shouldnt we all be taught the importance of letting go and forgiving and loving in our schools along with maths and science and that horrid civics?? Its such a hard lesson at that. we had these moral science class in school which was such an apology of a class - nothing but a free period. We dont need morals.. we need some real lessons - if only... if only that boy has been taught to forgive, to let go, to love himself.. it all sounds like new age crap- but it would have saved his life...Girl cheating on him wouldnt have hit his self esteem. he would know that she too is still learning in this world and Its would make his heart light if he had said I bless her and forgive her ( and fast :D ;)) Its corny and cheesy- but it works..It builds tremendous amount of selfrespect.. and it helps you see- that she too has her issues and that in the big scheme of things -its ok really.

more than to forgive others - forgive ourselves..

I wonder if blaming ourselves gives us a sense of control and satisfaction...

when my cats died i noticed my self trying to find a thousand ways to get blamed... I saved the dog which killed them..I shouldnt have let them out of the house..I shouldnt have moved to HSR...but none of them held up when scrutinised and it was really frustrating to not really find something to blame myself for...surpriseing soemtimes how mind craves to feel responsible and then feel guilt...why? because u feel u had an option to be in control. but truth is soemthings just happen. and u cant do much about it...

Like Murali said - you dont prevent macroblocks on channel change - you accept them :-)

Insistent "BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA..."

I am going to do meditation ... about to reply BLA BLA BLA.. ...bla...

Oh well! cant do that..meditation will get spoilt..

I heard myself mutter..

OKay GOD!! PLEASE BLESS HIM ...He is unwise...God - please give him some good sense...

and make it FAST!!!!?!!? :) hahaha!!

That cracked me up! really? make it fast? :D :)

There are two voices in my head- really! and one of them sometimes makes fun of the other ! :P

stories I hate

I just hate them.. since when I was small...They just make me cry I dont want to listen to them... ever..there are only 2..thank god

One is Punya Koti - "Dharani mandala Madhya dolage"... as soon as i hear that ... grrrr... close ears!! bla bla bla bla bla!!! wooo wooo woo!! dont want to hear!!!! go away! drown that noise!! The tune of that song - its so sad and pathetic and the story.. hateful. The tiger killed itself in the end X-( ok they wanted to save the noble cow! good! do it!! but it was not at all necessary to kill the tiger - it was a reasonable and nice tiger.. who else wud let punyakoti go and say bye to her calf and .. ( possibly)come back? wasnt it a kind tiger and trusting one at that? why did they make a villain out of a nice tiger and kill it? X-( I hate it. I hate it I hate it X-( I hate the story and I hate the song.. how it has made me cry when I was a kid. Why do they write tragic stories like this for children? X-(

Kabuliwallah...This makes me cry even today... My mum has painted a nice picture of Afghans for me.. they used to sell dry fruits when she was a kid.. may be the border was porous and no terrorists then.., many kabuliwalahs used to visit... Pran and his - yaari hai Imaan meri ..added up to the feel good. I built this image of a strong big bearded men, but with soft innocent hearts ( Taliban anyone? LOLOLOL.) They always carried knives.. very down to earth people.. very trusting and honest. never cheated any one and believed u if u said u will pay tomorrow or later...they carried their heart on their sleeves and they didnt have much control over their emotions.. they killed u, if u din pay the next day tho. well simple people are like that.:-P

And then.. this story - Its a nice story for big people actually...but for a kid.. its not nice. Kabuliwallah is so kind and loving to this girl.. he comes back from jail and that girl is getting married and she refuses to even recognise him! X-( I am sure she remembered but she din want to know a jail bird Afghan old man! horrid girl! many girls are like that, I hate all those girls. sissy whiney girls X-( so many of the girls in school and who I played with when I was a kid were like that...spineless,catty,ratty lil.. (:D u know what word should follow that :P ). I think such girls get filtered out( to where? where ever, Away from me!) and as I got into college and work I started meeting better and better girls and women. anyway its so sad.. he has a daughter just like her in kabul but he is stuck here because of her and she does not even recognise him.. how sad it must have made that poor man :,-( poor dear man :( I dont like tragedies! bad!

I didnt like jungle book the movie also.. the boy goes away behind the human girl in the end :-( baloo and bagira are sad... but I saw the part 2 where he comes back :) tho the part two was an old black and white non cartoon version. It was awesome movie, the girl is back with him in the jungle and he finds treasure in the old ruins... so that doesnt make it to the hate list.

There was one more movie about a cat and dog being friends but the cat ditched the dog because it found another cat friend.. I dismissed that story - Cats are always painted black- people are jealous of cats..I am totally gonna ignore that movie too..

HAIKU :D

the trees are blushing

and going bare

autumn then winter

kitty

Sweetest thing this furry friend of mine...

We are going to shift in two days and I am sad to be saying bye to this bugger.. I keep some food for him/(her?) and wait.. I can see him sleeping on the terrace in his house.. doesnot turn up.. I try to call but I think he is deaf anyway :P :P no show..

Today we are leaving. I am really sad, my cutie pie kittu din show up.. he is not even there on the terrace.. Its raining. I dono where he is when it rains... I just filled up his water bucket and put some food anyway.. it will get wet.. but its ok... ( yeah yeah Id decided I am not gonna feed him and get him used to food and all.. but is there any other way to show love? Remember grand mums and mum and aunts and grand aunts stuffing us with food till we are full to the brim?) anyway I am really sad, hed been a good friend to me. Dirty bugger, few times hes come in really stinky - its those glands on their bum, he must have been frightened in the day or something and activated those stinky glands. and drools if he gets really cozy...rub his stomach a bit and he is frothing in the mouth.. I was not alarmed this time tho Id seen my chotu froth and Cats are crazy animals they froth in the mouth if they dont like what theyve eaten and when are, well just pleased.. purring is not enough at times. yeah I am thinking these things and missing him...

Its time to leave, we are all packed and all our bags are in the car.. final cleaning in the house is done. We are almost saying bye to Mark and returning the keys, Its pouring like crazy and Guess who turns up..:) :) :) all wet that too. Meowing loudly. I am really touched that this bugger comes to say bye to me.. We got to tell him a nice good bye. He stayed there on the door step till we turned the car and left... sitting in the rain - dirty bugger! :) sweetest ever!

rajan kivi

Love this Kannada movie plot - ond Raja irtane, Avan kivi katthe kavi agogatte..yarigu gotiraala, but one day hair cutting madakke barber bartane and he gets to know the state of raja's ears. Avnge secret mansalli itkollake aggalla.. but yargadru helidre - he will lose his head. sakkat vaddadi tadkolakkagde wife ge heli bidtane.. as soon as he tells.. his wifes stomach becomes really big... because she is carrying the secret LOL! she cant keep a secret too..(obviously :P) so they go onto a forest dig a deep ditch and she shouts into it.. Rajana kivi katte kivi Rajana kivi katte kivi ! helid takhsna her hotte is normal :) (if I tell out some secrets will my stomach also....)but.. bhumi tayi also cant carry the secret discretely :) so aa jayagalli one dry tree hut bidatte :) LOL... after some days some musicians( royal ones I think :) ) come that way.. find that tree and make a tabla out of it... Guess what comes out when u play that tabla... "Rajan Kivi Katte Kivi :) :)"

haha not that I am gonna do a truth and bare ( what was that game... ah! truth or dare ! horrid game) but I do feel kinda relieved like that lady who barked secrets into the ditch..

I was thinking what really happens when u tell out things...

for one thing.. what ever you tell out looses potency...

yeno madbeku ankondu.. madak munche hattu janakke helbitre.. that thing never gets done..

yeno tale kori ta irratte.. talk about it to a good friend .. same thoughts will come back but koriodilla alva?

and for another how they sound when told out loud to others they make entirely different sense than how they sound inside our heads ...yeno dodda vishya nanu yeno madibiite ansta irratte but once u tell others u feel aiyo silly things yaake tale kediskondidde anta..

or sometimes opposite.. silly anta ankondirtive but reaction nodi oops ansattee..

also unburdening your heart to near dear ones or to complete anonymous strangers or whatever Its is almost theopahtic.. feel Its absolutely necessary for a healthy life...

Aiyo nanu tappu maddi bitte.. aiyo I am so silly and I am doing crazy this this this and this crazy things... or this friend of mine is really .. grr want to wriggle their neck...anta friend ge helidre saku.. crazy thing tale inta hogibiddatte.. friend neck wriggle mado enthu nu hotogatte...and all is well agogatte :)

Sense of relief u get when u tell out some things is really something! :) secrets or otherwise...

ps: so some peoples who I am pestering from long time to tell the secret -bear ur heart.. here is an ear( katte kivi :D) ready to listen :P

nonstopnonsense

9:45 late to office

No trains in Ealing station

next train to Epping in 7 minutes

next train to Norflock in 18 minutes

train arrives on platform 5

people get in- people find a seat, people sit down

train arrives on platform 6

accouncement:

train on platform 6 leaving in 2 minutes

people get up, people run, but train doors are already closed

train on platform 6 leaves

people return to platform 5

people catch a seat, people sit down

another train arrives on platform 6

another announcement :

train on platform 6 leaving in 4 minutes

people get up, people run ,

people catch a seat, people sit down

train on platform 5 leaves :D WTF?!!?

embarrassed announcement: Err..we are sorry if u were misled by announcement in the other train!!!!!!!!! This train will depart in 5 minutes..

Total delay 20 minutes

Also this particular people was wearing headphones -listening to music and was running between trains just because other people was doing the same, without hearing any but the last announcement.

ps: this train will depart, this train will terminate..cant they manage to say the same thing in less gloomy language?

new job

1st week they said hi :)

2nd week they asked how it was going...

3rd week and I am the furniture !!

synchronicity

Rishi gets a large confectionary box as a gfit when he left Infy.

I eat the chocolates one by one... checking out their names on the card.

Turkish delight.. yummy like gulkand.. I love it.

I google it up.

Its Turkish delight is a middle eastern sweet called lokum.. which was shipped as turkish delight to UK in 1800..I wonder how it would taste..

cant sleep well at night that day, foraging fridge..

rishi has stuffed the fridge with lot of goodies from indian.. I pick up one halva, yummy with almonds and pista.. nice..

I pick up a cover on the floor.. I read the name of a cover - lokum! Turkish delight!!!!

voice in the head

I had written a post long back (this one)wondering how my own voice sounds to me in my own head..

interesting thing I noticed recently is that when I was reading some technical stuff the voice in my head had an English ascent!!!! It was most definitely not my voice too! some voice synthesised out of what I heard on TV! hmmmm... brain - u are amazing.. u entertain ur self my using fake ascent and voices with out my permission or knowledge!

ps: "brain - u are amazing" is a phrase I have copied from korean movie translations! how easily influenced we are!

scuba dive? :P

finding the user interface between me and the internet too tedious...its like there is a huge huge pool of information and knowledge out there and I have a very small cup to drink it up.. or make that a thin straw.... and that is not enough!!!!
I want to jump into that pool and soak it all up.. like fill my body( mind?? no?) up with it.. rush through this pool(or ocean?) drinking it all up in one huge gulp.
for a sec there I felt i cud just dive into the text entry box on the google screen and I felt I cud go rushing at lightening speed across the different
pathways of internet ( which is unkanily similar to the image of electricity passing thro neurons shown in nat geo)
so I rush thru like this and learn every thing from design patters architectural patters to recipes to best way to keep laptop clean to how to do breakdance steps like that small 4 year old kiddo.. to everydamn thing..
I want this, I crave for this.. I cant bear to type and search and then read that text.. I want a more intutive and wholesome way to get this knowledge. This is too damn limiting...GBs of storage space, MBs or internet bandwidth.. what is limiting now is our speed of typing and reading and assimilating... that is a hard limit!!... and time... u only have so many hours a day.. (I dono why we stick so much to
day bounderies) and u have only so many years to live..and time is ticking..harder limits..
(google and search have really enabled things.. but they also show how limited things are too)
..aaaahhhh where is that expanded consciousness when u need one.. :) that is one true limitless internet..
no concept of time or space or speed and no limit to knowlegde or experiences..
I wonder if u wud feel more restless and more small and needy-
for "the more u know, the more u know that u donno" some great person has told this..

ps edit: This has got nothing to do with trying to cram up as much as possible before the interview tomorrow :D

time contd..

AUGUST 18, 2009

"There is no Time, Time is an illusion of the mind"

"Past Present and Future exist now"

Waking consciousness allows awareness of reality and time in only a limited way and that it is in the sleeping state that the mind can go free into the multi-dimensional reality of time and space e.g., "Dreams are the wandering of the spirit through all nine heavens and nine earths"

This is the eastern and philosophical view of time.

One possible solution to my problem from the last post(this one), is to staying in the moment.

The blog below says that time moves faster as you grow older... I tend to agree, I felt time speeding after my high school.

http://ukconsciousnessnews.blogspot.com/2009/07/staying-young.html


Oh!! how I long for those long summers :) just thinking of them runs a chill down the spine.
you are right! I distinctly remember that time started running fast since 1992 for me, since I turned 15 :D :D

my own Dirty poem :-D

JUNE 24, 2009

I feel like

i want an outlet

to putout my feelings

directly out onto something

words colors sounds...

isnt this waht art is/

it is poetry

I am trying to create

but what cometh out

may just be vomit

that s the need today

I feel for things

to come out in a rush

in a purge

ala purga! amen!!

more more more

more of it cometh out

there needs to be more

but now its more

like constipated shit,

its just comin out little by littler

when i force it out

with grunt and gritter :P

prostitution

Picking up someone from the bar is considered cool or what ever, but prostitiution is considered horrid. I wonder why. few years back I would be totally disgusted with anyone who had been to a prostitute. what about a prostitute itself? I am not sure how I would react to one then( definitely more kindly to her than to the visitors:). now there is this lady who is one of british MPs wife who is a highclass prostitute. and I felt what is the big deal in it. Its legal here, no? I feel I understand the world better now. all this is so common, so many men visit pros, humans are played by emotions and desires and lot less my logic and rules( so my friend what is the use of being good at logic, when most humanity is ruled by feeling). its not as inhuman or bad as it is made out to be now. is it?(societys ploy to keep dirty underbelly in wraps so that only few who dare will only get there)(and we are bought up too sheilded) I was really shocked and angry with hillary clinton that she didnt break her marriage during monica episode and then I felt she is really business minded to be sticking on when such a thing happened because her husband is a president. now my prespective has changed. I wonder if the public outcry (and hillarys reaction) would be lot more -ve if it was a prostitute instead of an intern? but I ..wud think of it as a better situation.. would the logic be perverse if I thought that hooking up with a prostitute is somehow better than one night stands or picking up people.. which are probably based on implicit and explicit lies? atleast u are being honest here and its a direct transaction give and take is upfront. If not for forced prostittion - trafficking, using children and the pathetic state of prostitues in the soceity.
Is it really a myth that in the olden days of kings -prostitution was a very lucrative career option( probbly not optional it was based on caste may be) with lot of money and high social status with even possibility to affect politics? I can very easily picture a society like that.

random lakeside ...thinkings

conceit on humility.. how far is self love from pride... I think many of us take too much pride in humility.. we have strict values and we condem ourselves.. having high stardards which we ourselves dont seem to meet.. one of these strict valeues is humility, but i feel conceit is hiden in that somewhere.. very subtle...
humility is overrated. many of these values also are inherited and may not make sense in todays world .. and we need to see them for what they are.
One famous one for me is being business minded, making contacts all against value. being street smart is also a no no. no showoff and no frills.. is it good in todays world? money- my father thinks being rich is a crime, middle class is the best. consciously I dont agree, but I prefer sleeper class to AC,bike to car...small car to big car..hidden value.
I felt a lil stupid( felt I was being too concieted) blessing a couple that were fighting near sankey tank, I just said ( n my mind offcourse) may god bless u wiht peace :D :) yeah I was in good mood then I reasoned I should feel stupid for feeling stupid, I am instrument of god. then? Its not too much to bless anyone. god has infitine capacity and being his instrument I can do infinite good, this doensot mean I am thinking too much of myself. What ever.
[Reading myself write about all this god and stuff is embarassing even for myself but when its in my mind it may as well be in writing :)]
Virtue of honesty being used for hurting.. I used to be like a child I used honesty not necessarily for hurting but without caring..I also use honesty at times to hurt. then a good excuse is I am telling the truth. Sometimes honest knowing it will hurt. Its also one of my values.. being left brained- I interpreted it like be honest regardless of feelings. even tho my father keeps saying you should be wisely honest, it didnt penetrate the thik skull. Master choa as a very simple and nice way of putting thigs which make it so crystal clear to me.. loving kindsness preceeds honestly.. ashte..
I feel greatful towards him when i read his books i like his simlicity and different - more practicle way of putting things .. becuase he is an engineer and a business man.
still some ammount of resistance is there before I become absolutely devoted.. but now I can understand how these women feel so much love for the guru..
also I still feel.. err I dont have guru when i read about guru in the books :-$

Susi came into mylife and introduced me into all these spritual things louise hay, power of now and pranic healing. she was really instrumental in me becomeng spritual... it feels like it was kind of meant to be.
life is like that.. oppurtunities keep opening up stay open keep closing .. based on our state of mind, we see them or we dont.. she herself is not using all these oppurtunities she opened for me.
I dont understand powerful evil people[from Pranic healing/esoteric perspective]... hitler? so damn poewrful.charismatic but evil. The teachings shared so far is not revealing anything bout these evildoers.. how much -ve karma he must have amassed by all that.. but he also helped lot of people burn up their -ve karmas really rapidly.. :) was he sent for that purpose? fallen angel? :D
18/7
there may be explanation for powerful evil people opening of 12th chakra when they are not ready . every aspect of the person is expanded .. It magnifies all the seeds in ur personality. If there was a minor evil trait, it becomes really exaggerated. even the evil. hitler is probably like that?

Talking about loving kindness - when I am rude to people.. like saying car kaliyalva? or what is this- your house is like this to my mum.. is it ok to be rude to people to inspire them? like calling V hanger probably made him go to gym , but he proably doesnot like me for that... I should think of better ways of insriring? couple of inspriations I take credit for... swimming S. yoga mom, bloging 3li.. engineering viki and prabodh and reshma... ashte? :-$ ok..inspiring Susi to take up theater isnt working- she;ll be really good at it.

Roadside thought:
my friend wrote about talking to oneself being sign of madness and that may be lack of volume is the distingusihing factor...I think i sometimes cross the line ... I read once about a old lady who used always sing. everyone appriciated her upbeat nature, someone asked her what she sings about - she said she has a habit of talking to herself and if she did talk to herself people would think she is mad so she started talking to herself in a singing tone :) time to do that I guess :D

perception (for myself)

Every thing is a perception or interpretation. This is obvious when we are discussing concepts but not so easy to realise when it comes to mundane things like seeing and hearing..
seeing is actually interpretation isnt it.. there is no such thing as reality which we can figure out. it is always our interpretation. some objective some subjective..
I got a headache thinking about this but its kind of repetitive thought, the repition stops after wrtiing it down...
Okay so, When i see a something red - Red - frequency of light between x-y is interpreted as red by my thinking brain..or say before that my eye also has a range of sensing right? resolution.. x1 to y1 is approximated and shown as one signal to my head.. more range more differenciation probably then my conscious head ... my eye can differentiate between two reds which my head probably cant. but when i see a picture with shading with these two reds my eye ( and head) can make out.
how much do we acutlaly see objectively? its all subjective... when searching for something - why does my mom see by pyjama and I dont see it... how much of what we see is acutlaly seeing and how much is thinking. how much of our senses are actually coloured by subjectivity.
which are the really objective parts of our sensing.. most of the objective part is automatic and out of conscious control i think, like measuring distance between an object and me.. calcuating its speed accelatartion trajectory guessing its weight.. ducking in time to avoid it if it is falling on me... not subjective. learnt yes but not subjective..and most of what I ve talked about is not really seeing :D
when i see a tree, how do i know I see a tree, it is just 10 pixels green 2 pixels brown so on .. it has to be mapped on to my experience matched to my previous image of tree heuristically approximtaed as tree.. most of our seeing is like this - at this level. Lot of image processing involved here.. lot of decisions - bamboo -shrub or tree? and some edge cases like bonsai - tree or plant. etc.
Also when we see a view- all the objects in our view are probably saved as a link list ( or binary tree-whatever) of objects just like in an image editor in vector view. and each of these object nodes probably has a link to the object database reference in the brain. data base has more info about objects like tree - doesnot move, living, huge etc. each person has different attributes saved in this database. for example for me tree is saved as living, for a wood cutter - it is saved as makes money :) for a bird - home.. so on. so how a tree is interpreted is based more on my experince in this world rather than the content of the image produced by the eye( which -is reality?atleast is it objective)
Can we suspend all interpretation and just seen the colors as it is? I tried and i got headache. again!! :) ( and I didnt succeed)
There is this picture which can be interpreted as old lady young girl(one of my older posts).. It is acutally just black markings on white background isnt it? even concept of background as being white..? comes from using paper...its just white and black pixels.. that is the reality. kind of useless?? the reality is useless with out interpretation and subjectivity... seeing an old lady young girl is far more interesting .. I wish we could retian our consciousness and enter the mind of an insect or something and see how it thinks how it feels.. wow that would show us what all we take for granted and how differnent interpretations can be...and how different the so called reality can look.
Or would it? I am reading blind watchmaker by Richar dawkins.. he is not really very focused in this book and talks about a lot of things..
he talks bout bats and their sonars to show how complex biological equipment can evolve by natural selection rather than by design and explains the equiment in detail . Bats interpret the world using sound, its quite complex how this sonar works, just like our eye.. but .. does the bat know the working of the sonar ( hardware/software) ? no? so how does a bat feel with all those echos coming in? and the calculatins and everyhting. probably just like me.. the world that I see is after all a model made up by the mind to interpret reality. so the bats model - may be same as ours... using sound instead of light.. colors.. may be they use colors to indicate something else like distance? or speed of the objects.. density?
(so Mr there is no god is actually talking about exactly same thing as the spritual books what u see is a model and not reality. :) )
what ever complex equipment we have we finally do rely on the models that our brain makes, dont we? so reality is just as out of reach if I do get into another brain as when I am in mine.
Its so easy to confuse a model with reality - sine wave.. does a sine wave look like that.. up and down? no... its just a graph which we made so that we can understand how a sine wave works. but its so easy to forget that. Nature follows rules of physics??? no it doesnot. nature is just the way it is, our rules of physics is just our attempt to understand the world. first of all we have a model in our head and we are making another model to understand that model :)
phew, I think i am done.

6th sense

are there only 5? we may have thousand senses which we are using unconsicously.. which we have never discovered so far.. by biology or science. how hard is it to put a small magnet in our body.. may be we do have a direction sensing device in our body. it can be anywhere.. head neck torso.. it can be so small just a few iron molecules and a few nerves going out of it.. when our body has a gyroscope in our head to find balance.. why not magnet.. see any lame person knows only 5 senses he doesnot know that he can sense balance..gyroscope is out of conscious control. how do i sense prana and all.. we may have devices which can intercept and network thoughts of other people.. sense that someone is lookin at u even when u dont see them..offcourse we have timers.. gravitation sensors? not only of earth but that of moon and other plants very sensitive gravitation sensors? thats why moon affects so many peoples moods, thats why astrology ?sharks have electric sensors.. we may have too.. and 1000 types of software making use of this hardware.. sharks determine the direction of prey by calculating the delay betwen the smell reaching different sensors...so many senses and so many applicaitons.

my furry friend

Ever since I lost my cats, seeing a cat makes me really miss them more. Many many friendly cats here in the UK. Just call them,they come to you to get petted :) This fat ( he is just furry not fat, very light and big) this fat kitty walked into my backyard. I ve petted someone who resembles him, so called him. he was vary but he came anyway after some persuation. He was not the same, the otherone is well groomed, clean and much smaller and softer. This guy looks huge. I think he doesnot have anyone to care for him. He sheds like crazy and he has dandruff. ( Dandruff and hair fall - just like me :P :D ) he has me coverd in fur in 5 mins. Not all of my family is kind to shedding pets( shedding animals. he is not even my pet is he?) With stupid myths that cat hair causes diptheria... every time I meet him Ive to run to the bathroom (before anyone sees me) and spend an hour cleaning up. Me wondering what is he.. Is he stray..Does he have a home? probably not.. but he didnt look hungry he didnt eat fish and salami I gave him.. might be that was too spicy? does someone feed? he is always outside tho. He surely had a home in the past... he loves to be be petted. Thats what is sad, really :( I pet him for fifteen minutes, I get really cold or I get called inside but dear fellows never ready to say good bye yet. I come back to check after ten minutes and lil fellow is still waiting :( another ten minutes of petting and then I say good bye. he goes away after ten minutes more of waiting...
Today , today hes been here all day whole day. sitting by the front door , then by the back door. hmmm...I din expect this. This is making my heart very heavy.. I dont even feed him. I dont want him get dependent to me. I am leaving this house in a month ... when ever I go out he comes close to get petted. Ugly fellow he is :) ugly dirty fellow ,cutie pie :) I wonder if he was with some old lady who groomed him all day? He is lost? his owner moved out of town or ...died?..? I just hope they are careless people who dont groom him but feed him anyway. can he get dependent on petting too? :( hmmmm Starved for a bit of love? is he? aaah! why is this world like this? so many lonely souls? :( so short on affection? :( Ah dear.hurts me!
Dear god!! why did u make the world like this, it can do with more friends more love more affection u know? I wish this kitty had a few kitty friends to roam around with. Few more human friends like me...Does he? then why he sticking around here if he did :( Its ok to be a wild cat who stays alone, but this guy cares to be with people :( why dont u give him some friends :( why did u make a mean world like this :( :( really sad :(
hmmm.. Hope this is just one day, tomorrow Ill see him have some fun about town and not stick around here.. no?
edit: just saw the video of free hugs on TV. This guy felt the same- too less niceness in this world and decided to offer free hugs to strangers :) me- my empathys somehow more towards animals than humans.. among humans probably old people ...

changes since arhatic

Changes since Arhatic..
1)respect for Guru - I understood the importance of Guru, or how much of a difference a guru can make. every person who teaches you somehting should deserve that respect, then ur learnings will be multi fold.
2)respect for donations and service - the way I am feeling obligated is new. I am a bit scared I am brain washed?, i am a bit scared Ill give away too much I guess that happens when u are not used to giving away. :P
3) karma implications of everything I do :D , that a bit of a nuisance :) I wonder( not worry but wonder) too much about the -ve karma anything will generate. I am afraid to think anything will generate positive karma because a) I feel if I think i am generating good karma, it may be taken away because of pride! hehe!! told u it was a nuisance b) There is this stupid modestly type of feeling in me( inherited ??), which sometimes interferes with me thinking good and positive things about myself. it sucks- i see it in few of my friends and that modesty is useless and it really sucks... actually there is always that pride in being modest :P
I am a bit scared I am gonna become like Iskon character if I go on :) then I have seen Surekha aunty and all I think that level of ... devotion(?) is bearable.. I dont mind becoming like that.


Re-inforceing
ps: after a month after the course the effect of this is not as strong as it was.
this is why I liked when that trainer stressed on "reinforcing" in the PEP course. whats the big deal u ask? I ( used to) feel it is beneath me to reinforce, I expect that the effect of any learning should be as strong as ever regardless of the time. Time should not have any effect on the effectiveness of any of my learning :) pride? or some stupid value that was. but PEP made me think it is ok to try and reinforce things , its ok to put in some effort into making things stay in my head. It is natural for time to make things fade, if u want to go against that fading, u have to keep painting it up newly :P every paint is not Apex utlra weather coat :P

bhakti

To clarify - this is not about my bhakti but bhakti in general.


ayappa songs being played in cab, driver also put up a video.. i would have been irritated by it before but this time i could feel his bhakti... the devotional songs bring out such strong emotions in people. (May be that explains no women and all that in the temple... should not get so angry looking at it from feminist angle...men are kinda mad when they are intoxicated with anything.. even love for god :-P just like its not good for women to be in a bars at night... :P anyway they didnt care much for womens spirituality! yeah that is still bad...)
Also felt how many routes of spritual development were blocked to other poorer castes and women in olden times, not only spiritual teachings, arts as well( music for one).... but bhakti route is open to one and all, my granma... ayappa devotes.. those dalit dancers in 9 lives book.. thats why there is so much passion in it..sufis.. meera bai....no one could stop them. its about divine love...its all beautiful. bhakti is beautiful....reminded me bhakta kumbara...today I felt I would start dancing and have tears in my eyes if i got too involved with the songs..it is easy to get carried away in bhakti..one of these days i am afraid ill stand up and dance and lose myself in this .. maybe I should try it ... and just let go?
(I think this acceptance of bhakti comes by reading Ayp site)

y!

yahoo messenger is like a time capsule, it holds friends from times long forgotten.... I see bhasi belur ,gubbi chilli pilli,Bino george etc online at times... 8-10 years since I have spoken to any of them. Jrajmundri.. who is this? I dont even know which company he was from.. someone friend enough to add into Y!.. I stay invisible I am afraid one of these will talk to me.. and I wont know what to speak.. for that matter I wouldnt know what to speak on chat even to closer friends on chat now.. after the first how are u? what are u doing these days.. what is there to speak? :-$? now I go sign in because its part of yahoo mail. good thing they did it.. but chatting..

Jagga!!! I saw him online after ages...Wonder what he is upto! I wont ask tho! lot of people are seen online now because yahoo messenger is now on with yahoo mail and they havent figured out how to disable it may be.. :)

I met rishi on it, I used to be a crazy additcted chatter on yahoo.. I used to love the Ctrl G - BUZZ , the VM;s , they are still there, I did download yahoo messenger to check it out a few months ago..nostalgia... but thats it now. Its become off a sad relic from the past .. :)

ps : yahoo names are slightly altered to protect their identity.

also may be it will be used more if I am sitting at home in UK..

judging..

remember the belly dance girl I got irritated with in Arhatic gyan class..? who I thought it was ok to judge and everything? :-$

after all she is ok..:-$ okay okay atleast I have the decency to accept it that she is ok and that I made a mistake, I judged and i had( :p have) my mental blocks and everything :-) She is a lil bit enthu but so what? young ppl are enthu its ok.. a bit too spritually ambitious may be... she has a nice smile real beautiful hair and she is doing a lot for pranic healing foundation and she is nice... I was the one too snooty or too irritated and with my nose turned up!

phew! ok that confession is done with and over! and behind me..

but I am still holding on to it being ok to judge the Visa office telgu movie heroine with 4 mala jasmine flowers and 3 kilo gold :D

2 classes or is it 3 classes of Karnatic music! I am learning it! yes :) and enjoying too, severe throat pain and ache in the head( of my teacher and my parents and bro :) ) I love the teachers voice.. fills the room I can feel it,like a cozy blanket. I just love her voice.. I would love to hear a concert by some good singers- live[should catch abhi!!!].. i think they have ...well.. magic :P :P what else. may be she sings with lot of love for music.. i dono why i love her voice so much... reminds be of that flute guy, street performer.. he comes once in a blue moon, such beautiful flute.. brought me to tears every single time.

What is promoting the liking of classical music which was not there before? I used to hate it. ( i think i still hate most of classical music, just a very few singers hole appeal) the way ayp puts it "scientifically"( sounding at-least) cleansing of the nervous system? . from Louise and Pranic healing point of view lot of emotional blockages have been removed. I think a linked bias was removed. bias against classical music was because of irritation towards the kind of people who learnt it ( sissy whiny girls :D,with bossy moms :D ) another post on list of linked biases probably will help me break the links.. ok i can hate things but i shouldn't hate unfairly, by association. right?:D

old age home

I went to an old age home today and I cried.. I want to do something but I dono what or how of it.. felt frantic and pathetic.. but i know its just a start and i will learn. In 2 years Ill look back at this day and feel.. wow i have come a long way :-)

It takes time.. to find out what exactly they want how exactly i can do something about it.. to understand.. most probably what most they want is my time. It takes time to understand even what I want to do too, to figure out how to do something to figure out what i can afford to do.. time money skills? what? and how?should keep in mind that it should be what they want and not what I want or like to give.

also need to get more emotionally stable before i can interact with old people... why the tears?Hope it is not pity. They would hate it if it was pity from my side..I really dono.I just felt sad.

also should let go of shyness or hesitation in helping.. even my parents.. :(

felt it is easier to donate to some famous NGO and forget about it...lot easier option and they do do a good job.. its impersonal..but not a bad option for starters..

logic v/s magic

Logic is too simplistic a tool to use with such complex creatures as us. The kind of logic which we are capable of is just not enough to deal with our emotions and feelings and thoughts ....

U cut out many dimensions of life if u want to be “logical” with ur limited scope of logical processing capability. Is the expectation to be logical at all logical?

There are million colors, eye can see thousands, brain can recognize hundreds and we can talk of seven…that is what logic does to your experiencing of life.. it maps million colors to seven..

spouse, friend, sibling - simplistic relationship labels to fit in the wide range of complex relationships people can have between them. Why did people(in ooold times) to go such great lengths to curtail..to curb… and to cut a ball to fit into a box?

This has nothing to do with logic but with society, but then why should second paragraph have anything to do with the first?

a few hours later:

As a corollary, life devoid of logic also means missing out a few dimensions of existence...I dono if I have written it before but anyway... one fine day not so long back.. I realized how to look at abstract painting or rather how to appreciate abstract art, (me being a natural at being left brained, I had to think about it and figure it out.) just let urself feel it, not try to understand it. relax and pay attention to how it makes u feel... "THAT!!" is how u enjoy art,Aaha!!! by feeling what the artist is trying to make u feel or what the artist felt.. not necessarily by understanding the art. first time in my life i went beyond logic and understanding I think.. revelation..

that does not mean logic means nothing, it is what I naturally turn to, I used to be ( probably still am) a snob about being logical and putting down people who arent so..but i am having so much fun trying to let go of it ...i discovered magic :-) it lies just beyond logic ...u can only let go of logic for something more.. not for something less..

reflections at the lake side

wish one of those baby bats would make friends with me, come here baby bat...no such luck.:(

wish one of the monster bats come flying out of those woods... ok not a 20 ft one at least a 6 ft one? natural but still scary... no such luck either..hmmmm...

I am losing myself thse days... relection of the street light on water really really tempted me to walk over it.. like a bridge.. felt only my feet would splash water and get wet...I almost felt a push to get up and try it..naw.. din actually believe enough to try it...

trip MOM ( for myself)

random thoughts - Trip to Mysore with family to attend a traditional function with traditional aunt visiting a traditional uncle. That was such a challenge.. I dono why I felt I should record my fight with myself(ego?) to be not irritated and angered by all this traditionality?. I think I lost. (Total rant! dont read)

"Taming the ego is not easy... it takes time.. it doesnot like being tamed at all. It doesnot have to be done in a day". My ego tantrums reminded me of horse .Ego felt like a horse that bucked me and ran away and me rider, frustrated, sitting on that temple jagli.  These were the thoughts after trying to conquer my irritation about functions and then failing and driving away from that function to escape the irritation and then finding an abandoned temple and  sitting on the stone jaglee on the temple. Resigned with the irritation.  ( ego here more like sense of identity not attitude)

"u dont have to tell anyone this as long as u know it ! :)" wrt to above realisation. I was making up stories( excuses more like) as to why I got angry and when the second voice prompted saying "why tell story, when u know its ego" a third voice said.."story can be for others.. as long as I know.. they dont need to know".  Then big smile.. I like my own company too much :P

"Is it really worth it to question the norm and try to accept ppl as they are. they suck man! :)" wrt to my aunt asking me if i wear saree ( 10,000th time ) at 12 30 at night.. before sleeping off and snoring like a truck.

"Its ok to accept nonsense traditions because her intentions are good" ..wrt to granny.

"kandhe pe bithaya to... "wrt to my mum asking me to touch sister in laws feet! Grrr! still irritated. growl and bite even for mum next time. shes been warned.

music - breaks down -ve thought forms ! fast driving too :) and so does beauty - good smell..( if I was poetic I wud have said fragrance :D)

"Art of conversation - I better learn this to save myself from death by boredom..!" before running away from it all.

Few days back experience - when someone is trying to manipulate u and u donot get manipulated, all the -ve emotions they were trying to bring in on you, get backfired on them. but this does not seem to work with aunties.. they go on needling. if u just let it be- they take another shot. may be the best medicine is in fact a good growl and bark and a bite :D even smart insults are useless with dumb people :(

Lessons learnt, medicine should be taken in small doses.. very small.

Lesson learnt 2 never forget to think of ways to have fun, cud have taken cousins out on a long drive, nice picnic...

Shouldnt forget to be urself cause of some mission, cud have hung out with kids instead of trying to bore myself to death with aunties, just to prove a point, just to question some stupid norms.

I hate relatives :( I hate aunties!

I even thought of headphones with the car sterio. I dont want to listen to ppl in back seat. Wish they sleep off wish they sleep off wish they sleep off.

really funny how much I have let them get to me when trying to not let them get to me, I wonder if I just was myself and kicked their fat asses id have not let them get to me.

Another feeling - really afraid of staying behind times.. suffocating feeling, i am afraid of rotting and not getting fresh things in my house or in my life.. rishi;s aunt still having only casette player and no CD player.. bags and bags full of old stuff in my aunts place... old TV;s in everyones house in mysore. worries me...no health faucet even in posh houses.. i dont want to become like that.. especially mentally. some ppl are like that stuck in the best times in their lives.. favourite movie is still DDLJ ...talk of bazigar and Daar ...raveena tondon.. one of my fears these days... staying behind in time.. the US indians who left indian in 70's... old customs...it was not judgement it was fear.. especially with people who dont have children, I feel its easy to get stuck in some time in the past...

wrinkle on my forehead deepened. :( too much sun one contributer..

awesome long drive tho.. I luv driving..rash driving good thing about mysore is it has lovely scenery just a short drive away.

cozy and warm feeling with auntys and uncle, they really love me. :) only my mum has issues! and cousin lookin like a hero ! cool! a bit embarrassing I thought whos this smart guy before recognising :-$

and awesome awesome awesome mango rasayana! hats off to satish uncle for thinking of bendekai bhajji and rasayana wiht lunch..slurp slurp! reminded me of dharwar.

one more thought which got concrete should have donated stuff to orphanage/old age home instead of selling...god give me guts to donate all the money got from selling to some place like that.

positive things are late additions.. :) the first thing that came out was all the frustration...thought of some other nice thing when walking down the steps..it went away.. anyway..

when I re-read I think i am influence a lil by my friends blogging style....?!?

guy runs away with his step-mom who is only 8 years older than him...

Unnatural/ grosse? lot of protests over it... reminded me of - Salim anarkali! :) these guys are Muslim too. .. one of our celebrated love stories...we cant take it in real life..

I dono what to think of real incest either.. (old boy!that made my stomach churn!) sometimes life can take weird and sad turns.

twins separated at birth in orphanage and meeting up and falling in love, not out of Geoffry archer novel. This was real life. Germany....its really more sad than sick..

[In the novel when the guy kills himself when he knows his wife is his half sister.. i really got angry with GA, (just like hindi movies hero;s sisters kill themselves to avoid villians advances.. old boy is more broadminded.. ) old post taboo.. exact same example, exact same content, my thoughts recycle :P good to write down I can spot repetitiions]

arhatic yoga prep level

after waiting for a long time took this course. It is not like the other courses.. too advanced, too demanding. lot of techniques and less discoveries so to say. Following up with this will be lot of work. Usually taking one of these courses makes me feel like on the top of the world, but this one made me feel like i have the world on my head.. i am yet to digest and ingest what all was taught. practice of 2 years will lead to next level. lot of reading to do, to understand what is taught and whys of it.

Few good online courses which may help me learn , all are free :)

• Astara
• Institute of mental physics
• http://www.gnosticawakenings.com/gnostic-courses/astral-travel-dreams
• http://www.aypsite.org/12.html

one good thing about the course was that it made me realise how much study and practice and actually even progress i have made in the past 3 years. eye opener of sorts. when I looked back at the past 3 years I usually looked at it one dimensionally - career wise and felt a lil low. Now i think i did infact make very good use of my time after all, all this takes lot of time and work and I have put in that work. and only person I can show the work is to my-self. :) I was a stupid manager, now I have become more sensitive manager and i have given myself a better rating :)

small small realisations...(for myself)

I have always felt uneasy bout the last few years of my life because I didnt progress as much in my career... yesterday in Arhatic prep class when they were insisting on study- study of theosophy and all, I realised how much I have studied in the past 3 years.. i have made progress in one aspect of my life, if not in the others.. people just judge by "career" "personal". Shouldnt fall into the same pitfall and judge urself .. I felt really happy and kind of relieved actually. I am not the kind who wastes life... I have started appriciating myself more..

I was really irritated and judgemental in the class of a lot of people.. but what i liked was that as soon as I judged someone I realised.. ah! judging.. ah! juding agian :) I liked that.. realising.. after a while I felt like laughing when i passed judgement yet agian.. I had to reply to that ah! judging by saying.. this girl.. she really does deserve judging .. see she skipped the line during lunch and acts like a princess wearing a belly dancer like top thinks she is a heroine :)

I like that I am a strong person, I sometimes feel I am like that doll addisinodi belisinodu urulihogaldu.. :) complains and cribbings apart.. I learn :) I like that about me. seeing myself laugh at acharya hectors jokes.. i would have turned red and wud be really upset few years ago at this... another mental block broken..

PEP training was quite spritual he talked about 100% listening.. which is similar to the accurate perception which pranic healing talks about...

PEP talked about re-iterating and reenforcing ur beliefs.. similar in pranic healing...

-ve thought forms same concept in pranic healing and Louise hay, different methods to solve the same problem.. or different ways of describing the same .

Meditation

What is meditation..

Tapas, when I was a kid for me meditation was saying Om namah shivaya.. preferably on a hill top J now that I am meditating for a few years I am a bit more clear about meditation but I went thru a lot of confusion .. so making it a bit clear for you.

When u look at meditation u find a few distinct kinds of practices being callled meditation

Relaxation meditations-. Guided meditations or u can do this yourself.. your progressively relax urself completely like shavasana.. Great for de stressing, insomnia. Best to start off with, makes u feel really good and cozy.. u can sleep with a mmmmm after few such.

Losing yourself in music is also a kind of meditation.

Concentration meditations - Concentrating on your breath, concentrating on a image – visualizing a flower or locale.. this will need bit of mind control. I would recommend trying this once in a way but sticking to relaxation meditations until u get used to sitting quietly for 20 mins before attempting these… usually better done without a tape. Concentrating on breath din work for me. I like visualization, It can be fun but it’s a bit of work. ( its not work if it is guided, but if it is guided I wud consider it as relaxation meditation and not concentrating one)

Chanting - I cudnt progress with chanting. BTW this is the om namah shivaya meditation. I can keep chanting and keep thinking thoughts in the background. Din work for me

Concentrating or watching ur thoughts: very very good exersice, in my opinion this watching thoughts should go on 24/7 rather than for 20 mins.. I would consider this advanced.. try it for fun,u can do this probably after 2-3 months of guided meditations.

Concentration can be on the inside like above or it can be outside.. u just listen to every sound u can hear and every sensation u can feel ( Vipassana) I liked this also, again its work, difficult.

Other types

Enhancing energy body /chakra meditations – if you are not into all this, ignore leave it. ( I have a few relaxing chakra meditation tho I wud put that in category 1 rather than this.)

Trance and hynopsis meditations – similar to Guided relaxation meditations, but they have binural beats which take u into ur brain into deep alpha state. many times u dont remember what the tape was about untill after a point.

Dance meditation – yes recommended by even sri sri.. J lose yourself in dance and let ur body move to the music ; din we feel the bliss in Athena? ;)

Affirmation meditations – again very good effect, I love louise hay..This is if u have a goal and want to full fill it. Affirmations are really powerful.

Dynamic meditations by Osho – like whrilling etc.. I tried them but found them very weird not for me, you can google them if u are interested.

If you are the organized and disciplined kinds stick to one meditation if u are like me I found it easier to switch between different kinds and trying out.. that kept my interest and helped me make this a habit.

You may ask – what are the benefits..

People say they are calmer more peaceful etc etc, for me I do it for the sake of doing it, I like meditating.. I cannot positively vouch for the positive effects meditation has had on my personality…it has made me a bit less worldly less ambitious less stressed ..mmm what else…and I have other spiritual interests in meditation ( in which there is definite progress J) which will not interest you. :-P

After discontinuing meditation for 2 months I realize very clearly what the benefits of meditation were. I am clearly more irritable and less peaceful, more restless. Meditation and Pranayama is very very useful in keeping the peace of mind. but u may not feel it that much then.

if you are a beginner try “Deep & Slow Energy Meditation ” from

http://ananga.net/modules.php?name=Downloads&d_op=viewdownload&cid=3
i like ananga sivyers music and voice, really soothing.

you can check out the below websites for loads of meditation

http://www.jetcityorange.com/meditation/
bramhanada is good if you have some experience with meditation. It takes you to relaxed state real fast but you need to listen a few times before u feel the effect.

http://download.meditation.org.au/
they have a mediation class and loads of music and guided meditation downloads.

double_induction by Hypnotica is also great for relaxaion.
http://www.hypnotica.org/privatedownloads.htm

My meditation history

Stage I – before 2006
1) visulisation
buddha statues or a flower or a scenary
2) listening to all the sounds with out missing any from the far away truck to the fan.
3) concentate on breathing
4) on namah shivaya and Om chanting

1 and 2 used to work well.

Stage II – 2006
listening to Tibetan Om mani padme hum
visualisation with it in medows, in himalays.
flute and some music tapes ?

Stage III- 2007 August onwards

almsot always with head phones, much more regular than ever before
Binual beats – bramha nada
Ananga sliver relaxation tapes
double induction – hypnotica

2008 – almost daily meditation
the above +
Loving kindness
white light
twin heart ( very rarely )
flute music, tibetan bowls.

Stage IV – april 2008
brain weiss meditation
medtation in yoga class, without aids
buddist chanting
Zencast
Started having automatic movements and saw colors. I think this is new stage of my meditation.

Now -2009-2010
Two years hence I had hoped to see lot of progress, but I am still there.. I have automatic movements and see colors. I have started twin heart meditaiton- it is very powerful but I find it hard to do everyday. I need to get used to it. too much energy pouring down. but the effect is really immense. I tried a lot of meditaitons which promote OBE but no success. :) I didnt really persevere in one style so dont blame it.

Now I feel I am better off without music, but it helps to start off.

The reason to start off this is I wanted to make a list of all the varied kind of meditations I have done. I heard that it is not safe to mix up different techniques. But to begin with I found it helped to vary to build up habbit. Dont think it harmed me.
And basically upstill now they are all the same thing, 1) concentrate on one thing or other chanting visulatisation, sound, breathing etc
2) biaural beats which acts on the brain directly to bring it to alpha states
3) hypnosis -combination of 1 and 2?

I am planin to start trying
Osho meditations – dynamic and chakra meditations ( tried and didnt like it )

Another couple killed by parents. honor killings. :-( what price people pay for questioning the norms... no wonder that trait is rare...

why do people go to such lengths to preserve the continuity of their customs and beliefs? did their survival depend so much on continuity in the past? or it is that this ugly rigidy has slowly crept in. the selfish meme has strengthened its own survival... meme has morphed into the selfish gene( selfish meme) society doesnot understand that the meme is propogating its own survial, not the survival of the society which is propogating it.

and what sickness this is.. amnt i lucky I can be carefree enough to not care about the consequence of my questionings or rebelions.. noone ;s even gonna kill me for this.. we never realise how very very very lucky we are to be in this society to be so free..free of talibans khafs communist governments, lawless rouge millitia, unstable democracies... arent we blessed, to be in the midst of civilization in this world which even today is largly savage.. in one way or another. 10 minute movie of bosnia made me shudder, same happening in Khazakysthan.. now, whole of africa is always under fire.. Iran Iraq pakisthan afganistahn.. china..russia.. south america.. even our own country if u step out 50 km from bangalore.. u have caste wars and families being burned alive :( if me made a satellite map of violence earth would look red and not blue. :(

MBTI trends

I did this http://www.typealyzer.com/ shared by my friend .

I did this when I was new to the blog and my type was INTP. I wanted to try it again.. I got ISFP...a radical change..

It is funny. I tried it on every month of the blog and it shows a steady trend

INTP - ISTP-ESFP-ISFP

So I was thinker and then I was in extroverted frame of mind for a while.. long while almost from may 09- nov 09 and the last few posts are artist.. ISFP... introverted! :)

interesting... one of the nice things about blogging is that u can keep track of how ur mind was. the state of mind at different points in life...

I like this trend analysing a lot :)

golden evening

There was this beautiful sunset a couple of weeks ago, the kind which makes the whole world turn golden. Feels foreign that,remidns of brazil. Never been to brazil :) but I can imagine cant I? :)

Well that prompted me to tell my friend how an evening in an ideal world would be, to match this ideal sunset.
Such an evening deserves not sitting in offices. but ppl dancing to live music in the parks. there are these huge stages in parks where the town ppl practice music every evening. and passers by dance to that. ball dance or salsa . old couples and young ones too.. Its beautiful. the park is beautiful too.. with huge trees and lawn and big. no noice of vehicles here.. tho cycles run in the park, u can hear the rukus of kids playing . There are children running aroung in the park, the older ones have settled down for their daily talks. about science fiction and their favourite heros. the teenagers walk around throwing around sly glances. there are no fittness freaks sawing their butts off with ipods and black berries here. there are no texting teenagers. Its golden age and I think we are in 60s here...
Old people looking at the reflections in the river soaking up the sun and talking of old times with their old buddies they have known for ages now...walking sticks and toothless grins and mulfers monkey caps and guffass. and passing youngsters chatting up the oldies. complimenting the old granpas bout how handsome they are looking that day. everybody has a smile for everybody else.. no creased eye brows no frown lines... laughter... lightness...peaceful not quite but peaceful and the smell.... ah its smells so fresh , the grass, the leaves... like its just stopped raining...sun is trying to hide behind that far away fort on that far away hill!! I take a deep breath and stare into the horizon!! nice! I think I'll run up and climb that hill and catch the last rays of the sun... wanna race?

written 20/06/2009 almost an year ago.. edited now. :) have seen quite a few golden susnsets since then but havent been moved by any of them.

Questioning the norm

One incident yesterday made me realize- again! that I am different from most people in one way. I question norms. “ You should not enter a temple when u have chums!!” I used to get furious about such statements. How is it different from saying a lower caste person cannot enter a temple? If people hadn’t questioned that, thanks to Gandhi and Ambedkar, only bramhins would be going into temples even today? Wearing married women symbols…some of them frankly quite vulgar looking :D J J J( we had a really fun discussion bout this yesterday :D not blog material :x) There are subtle ways ( most times not too subtle) in which I question, I rebel and society accepts me that way.

Now a days people are happy content and ...conformist. and that’s not a bad thing… What I miss most in my society is.. We are challenging the scientific limits - google ( hey I am reading google story you know) challenged the way we surf the net. Is anyone challenging the society?? a few here and a few there.. nothing else much happening. It doesnot have to be archaic customs which need challenging… even basic new things.. as humans we occupy 60*40 site full of concrete construction.. shouldn’t we question why we are changing the face of whole world to live? Cant we live on tree tops.. shouldn't we challenge -"taking bath daily"… or "ironing"… isn’t it silly wasting so much time removing creases from our clothes..???! no one ironed the 9 yard sarees and dhotis.. did they? J most people think is a sin to not bath daily… small things in life – women shouldn’t have hair on their body…why not? ! :P or wearing a tie.. meaningless! Totally.. isn’t it? A tie? We have invented wonderfully comfy clothes but we insist on wearing uncomfortable stiff clothes to work where we spend most percentage of our lives..why not tracks and t-shirts at work? J (kudos to vijji for wearing shorts to work! ) Do we question the silly ness of some of the norms in our society? like our the attitude towards sex and romance . its totally not Indian. its puritian /Christian /british or probably Moghul-Islami ,whatever. The people who brought in this culture into our country have total given up on prudity but we hold on… In this case I am on the other side of the fence- a total prude. Used to be Muthalik until a few years ago. Easy to fight a norm outside of you, which u don’t like. but a norm which is ingrained in you.. which u accept in full faith. harder to question and fight…This is a harder battle than fighting with aunties about short hair and mangalsutra..worst part is recognizing such a norm, probably the other things I question so easily is an ingrained norm in most people just like this??

Coming back to my point.. social inventions.. like internet, mobiles changed the way we live… when will we start seeing social breakthroughs .

We are not taking that seriously …. There is much much more scope for improvement here than in the other aspects of our lives.. right? But difficult to make profits.. but wait a minute.. Art of living, ashrmas etc… trying to sell social inventions? no... more like personal inventions. even my pranic healing is one such and it is a good thing. Pranic healing was one hell of a big questioning of my scientific mentality . and I think it was one major revelation!

social inventions..Communism was one social invention – failed miserably … the hippie culture was one more… that one .. gave freedom to women didn’t it? Social changes are sometimes side effects of inventions.. for example the pill contraceptive – single most important invention in bringing up the status of women in the society.. if a woman is not spending her entire life giving birth, if she has some control on it.. what a difference it can make and it did. social change/challenge like I look for and appreciate was this one. the 2 childern per family rule.. changed society as well gave moms some time off for spending on themselves.. gave time to dads to spend time with children.. did our granddads ever shower love on their children? On grandchildren yes but on children.. not really. Another social change ! J It happens but its not moving anywhere close to the pace of technology.. it involuntary not researched or engineered..

But these ashrams.. they may bring about what I am looking for in a round about way, they do question norms even tho they are based on old ways, right? like they question ur rat race and definition of success..? what else? They also question some blind beliefs at times…

One thing I learnt recently is that it is easy for me to question the norms is perhaps cause I m really different.. I will infact fail miserable in social inventions :D hehehe because those inventions will only fit one person in this world ! me.!!! :D

A person who will succeed is one has the pulse of the people and also who can question the norms.. deepa+empathy..

I realized this when I was debating about the life style of gay people with my husband. He was very saddened – he said without a family without a permanent partner and kids life is very hard so he thinks the decision about getting married to girls and starting a family by a most gays is probably understandable. I on the other hand felt kids and family is not the only way to find satisfaction in life! There is lot more u can do and lot more ways in which u can be happy…see Abdul kalam blab la.. but in real life.. he is right! I am being academic. I probably can find satisfaction else where.. (according to the world even I cant but I beg to differ. So! :P to the world) after talking to people I realize I was wrong. gay people are really craving for family and a spouse and stability. My husband was right about it. My ideas are academic and idealistic.. The tradition and norm. Its there because it fits, it works. most people take that route because they know where it leads.. They care about lot of things which I don’t even think about.. that bubble around me… I don’t realize a lot of things..

I have realized only recently that my way is not the correct way I mean my way is not the only correct way.. it may be correct for me but for others.. haha advising sailaja to go explore life and get married late was plain silly J Karl marx was probably like me :D din know a thing about people and invented a society… I wish there are google guys of social world coming up soon.. who change the way we live… Or is it going to be global warming and natural disasters which is going to bring about the social change? Lets wait and watch!