eye opens...or does it?

‎"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." ~ Oscar Wilde

Very easy to identify with this Quote..

it is very common in the society to label a person as selfish if that person lives as he wishes.... no body can stand a person who dares live as he wishes.. society and the conformists in it hate it and then they tag him - selfish.

There is such pleasure, such a sense of liberation, its most of our dream to live just as one wishes...and not submit to others desires. Especially my generation, how we crave to live as we want to but feel tied.. but cant..feel like our wings cut...

due to others selfishness :-) :-) we all like to play victim ...

asking others to live as one wishes to live.. we always find that others do this to us.. oh the misery! the misry of doing as others wish....and me? I am never like this!! right? or Am I?

Ive been troubled and irritated at times past couple of days angry and pissed off..

The misery and anger why do u think it comes..

My husband drinks too much, my husband does not talk to me as I wish him to talk, my husband is always using cuss words... My husband...Grrrrr Bottom Line... My husband does not live as I wish him to live!!!

For that matter - my mom does not throw away old stuff - keeps hording everything, my mother in law - she follow all these age old customs, keeping sucha big bindi, these stupid UK people always wearing black even in winter- why cant they wear color,These stupid people always use cuss words,These bramhins they are so educated and in good jobs but they still do madi (Untouchability)! god!These Muslim ladies and their Head scarfs and tights!!!!(roll eyes)... Irritating isnt it? All these bloody people do not live as I wish them to live!!

and That my dear friend is what I WISH them to do and that my dear friend is SELFISHNESS??? :)

Asking others to live as one wishes to live - if u are dominant type a - like Taliban and Hitler will bring untold misery to others.

If you are the non dominant( I wouldnt call submissive- submissive surrender probably does not cause them any misery! I dono thats not me) then it brings untold misery to you. you blame others for it, but ultimately its you who is responsible for this suffering. Its called Expectations in common terms - Its not painted as Selfish. but apply Oscar's definition and it is anything but selfish..

Is having expectations wrong then? do u like others having expectations from you? no?then? ?

Sadly.. yes sadly, Life is not as simple as all this.. as simple as eyes opening and closing...as black and white.

There are bloody grey areas...no? and multi coloured ones. Life is a struggle trying to make sense of this mess.. trying and trying.. but u keep trying...because.. you and only you are responsible for it - u want the fault to be with you because its is probably easier to solve. u can do it yourself. if the problem is with others it is not easy to solve. thats a rant.. anyway..

What defines expectation and when does it cross over into selfishness...is there a non selfish expectation? is it ok to have them? What is fair and what isn't? Where do u draw the line..

Govt wishes us to live by the law. is the Govt selfish? :)

a) my children will take care of me when I am old. ( when I saw this in Babul movie, I felt stupid selfish father, but when I saw the same situation in School master- I cried - selfish children.. I couldnt think of father as stupid or selfish..poor dear father. that old man)

b) my children will study well and get into engineering/medicine.( my dad had this expectation and I loved him for that. but if I didnt want it, then it would become selfish? does the cost matter and also the motive. 3 idiots anyone? )

c) my children will study well and become decent individuals.( this does not sound selfish because it is very flexible. but this expectation can also cause misery to the parents...if the kid is "Madhuri dixit banna cha ti hun" type or worse tapori type like that one who wants to write Geetha I love u on walls :D)

d) I dont care what happens to my children...( is this a realistic option?)

so .. it turns out .. we may HAVE TO( or rather we WILL) have expectations. Is it ok to have them? but as we saw above not having expectations is not an option, not a realistic one at-least. you can have a weird life like that- if u are Buddha .

( let us leave aside for now, the moral(?) question of whether expectations are selfish or not. Whether it depends on the motive of the expectation, the flexibility etc)

The question for us mortals is - It causes us misery and what do we do about them.

No answer

... should we add love to this equation? :) ( watching bollywood movie and recently read paulo coehlo...:P)

Love makes it all bearable?? others expectation or ours? or is it a two edged sword used to twist arms.. filmy dad who get heart attack - I will die if u dont marry this boy types in movies?

Does it makes the pain from expectations bearable... does it?

This discussion is still under progress...

Dream

Rachel and George Clooney went to a premier... As usuall Rachel is fussy - she says we are not in black and white.. u sit on the mens side and Ill sit in the womens...as soon as they enter.. she gets all flustered.. O O how do I know which side is women and which side is men... ( but hello!!! U can SEE the people sitting!:)) too late...they are ushered away and Rachel is sitting awkwardly with some boring (serious) men and George is being wooed by some 20 women.. :D

too much friends? BTW George Clooney and Rachel - awesome couple. :) He was lookin really awesome in black suit with thin fitting trousers.

lessons

Todays news there is this boy- footballer I think - killed himself because his girlfriend ditched him for some other guy - she came back later... he killed himself after a few months anyway. There is this another gun wielding middle aged man who went and threatened employers of his wife because they sacked her and them shot himself at the end of the drama... Pitiable..

This is how it is to be under control of anger/sadness.. is like this whole new person/personality takes u over and makes u do things which u would never do in your senses. urging on. pushing ,tormenting u with these torterous thoughts and feelings on and on - untill you jsut want to get rid of it...even if u do some serious damage -its like this devil who wont let up without his blood sacrifice.

Ive been there...usually this temper urges on to do something bad all right - like go break a glass or tear up things and burn something..hit yourself, kick yourself....ok but I act smarter -I listen and dont act.. but bottling up and controling is not enough. Its sneaky, it slips out and does damage.. subconsciously may be. thats when it reminds me of Louise hay- how she says our thoughts can make our future..

I was really really angry.. like this.. when this anger got hold of me.. but controlled myself really hard and didnt do anything harmful... got hungry -was fixing myself lunch and boom - really really hot rasam spills all over me and I have this huge horrid burn on my hand and face and eyes!!! It burnt and stung for hours and hours ...and hurt for days...

Guilt - buddy doggy broke his leg, someone hit it and its leg got fractured. I din know that it was fractured all right, I thought young doggy will recover by itself.. 2 weeks didnt recover.. took him to doc. doc says oh his fracture is healed.. but his leg will be crocked because the bones have joined at an angle. I was hit by guilt.. if only Id taken this doggy earlier to doc - he wouldnt walk limping all his life... I go around mopping and feeling guiltly for a few weeks -every time I see the doggy -guilty. and what happens - I slip from the bed! at home -twist my ankle - sprain and fracture and bed ridden with a cast for 2 weeks!!! ( doggy has no trace of limp after a month! he did recover) Its as tho I punish myself for these things unconsciously..Its like its not enough to use will power and control the thoughts u have to not have them at all in the first place.

how how how damn important it is!!This of letting go and forgiving.. I m someone who is learning this from books since 2 years now? and i still have so much trouble with this....Shouldnt we all be taught the importance of letting go and forgiving and loving in our schools along with maths and science and that horrid civics?? Its such a hard lesson at that. we had these moral science class in school which was such an apology of a class - nothing but a free period. We dont need morals.. we need some real lessons - if only... if only that boy has been taught to forgive, to let go, to love himself.. it all sounds like new age crap- but it would have saved his life...Girl cheating on him wouldnt have hit his self esteem. he would know that she too is still learning in this world and Its would make his heart light if he had said I bless her and forgive her ( and fast :D ;)) Its corny and cheesy- but it works..It builds tremendous amount of selfrespect.. and it helps you see- that she too has her issues and that in the big scheme of things -its ok really.

more than to forgive others - forgive ourselves..

I wonder if blaming ourselves gives us a sense of control and satisfaction...

when my cats died i noticed my self trying to find a thousand ways to get blamed... I saved the dog which killed them..I shouldnt have let them out of the house..I shouldnt have moved to HSR...but none of them held up when scrutinised and it was really frustrating to not really find something to blame myself for...surpriseing soemtimes how mind craves to feel responsible and then feel guilt...why? because u feel u had an option to be in control. but truth is soemthings just happen. and u cant do much about it...

Like Murali said - you dont prevent macroblocks on channel change - you accept them :-)

Insistent "BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA..."

I am going to do meditation ... about to reply BLA BLA BLA.. ...bla...

Oh well! cant do that..meditation will get spoilt..

I heard myself mutter..

OKay GOD!! PLEASE BLESS HIM ...He is unwise...God - please give him some good sense...

and make it FAST!!!!?!!? :) hahaha!!

That cracked me up! really? make it fast? :D :)

There are two voices in my head- really! and one of them sometimes makes fun of the other ! :P

stories I hate

I just hate them.. since when I was small...They just make me cry I dont want to listen to them... ever..there are only 2..thank god

One is Punya Koti - "Dharani mandala Madhya dolage"... as soon as i hear that ... grrrr... close ears!! bla bla bla bla bla!!! wooo wooo woo!! dont want to hear!!!! go away! drown that noise!! The tune of that song - its so sad and pathetic and the story.. hateful. The tiger killed itself in the end X-( ok they wanted to save the noble cow! good! do it!! but it was not at all necessary to kill the tiger - it was a reasonable and nice tiger.. who else wud let punyakoti go and say bye to her calf and .. ( possibly)come back? wasnt it a kind tiger and trusting one at that? why did they make a villain out of a nice tiger and kill it? X-( I hate it. I hate it I hate it X-( I hate the story and I hate the song.. how it has made me cry when I was a kid. Why do they write tragic stories like this for children? X-(

Kabuliwallah...This makes me cry even today... My mum has painted a nice picture of Afghans for me.. they used to sell dry fruits when she was a kid.. may be the border was porous and no terrorists then.., many kabuliwalahs used to visit... Pran and his - yaari hai Imaan meri ..added up to the feel good. I built this image of a strong big bearded men, but with soft innocent hearts ( Taliban anyone? LOLOLOL.) They always carried knives.. very down to earth people.. very trusting and honest. never cheated any one and believed u if u said u will pay tomorrow or later...they carried their heart on their sleeves and they didnt have much control over their emotions.. they killed u, if u din pay the next day tho. well simple people are like that.:-P

And then.. this story - Its a nice story for big people actually...but for a kid.. its not nice. Kabuliwallah is so kind and loving to this girl.. he comes back from jail and that girl is getting married and she refuses to even recognise him! X-( I am sure she remembered but she din want to know a jail bird Afghan old man! horrid girl! many girls are like that, I hate all those girls. sissy whiney girls X-( so many of the girls in school and who I played with when I was a kid were like that...spineless,catty,ratty lil.. (:D u know what word should follow that :P ). I think such girls get filtered out( to where? where ever, Away from me!) and as I got into college and work I started meeting better and better girls and women. anyway its so sad.. he has a daughter just like her in kabul but he is stuck here because of her and she does not even recognise him.. how sad it must have made that poor man :,-( poor dear man :( I dont like tragedies! bad!

I didnt like jungle book the movie also.. the boy goes away behind the human girl in the end :-( baloo and bagira are sad... but I saw the part 2 where he comes back :) tho the part two was an old black and white non cartoon version. It was awesome movie, the girl is back with him in the jungle and he finds treasure in the old ruins... so that doesnt make it to the hate list.

There was one more movie about a cat and dog being friends but the cat ditched the dog because it found another cat friend.. I dismissed that story - Cats are always painted black- people are jealous of cats..I am totally gonna ignore that movie too..

HAIKU :D

the trees are blushing

and going bare

autumn then winter

kitty

Sweetest thing this furry friend of mine...

We are going to shift in two days and I am sad to be saying bye to this bugger.. I keep some food for him/(her?) and wait.. I can see him sleeping on the terrace in his house.. doesnot turn up.. I try to call but I think he is deaf anyway :P :P no show..

Today we are leaving. I am really sad, my cutie pie kittu din show up.. he is not even there on the terrace.. Its raining. I dono where he is when it rains... I just filled up his water bucket and put some food anyway.. it will get wet.. but its ok... ( yeah yeah Id decided I am not gonna feed him and get him used to food and all.. but is there any other way to show love? Remember grand mums and mum and aunts and grand aunts stuffing us with food till we are full to the brim?) anyway I am really sad, hed been a good friend to me. Dirty bugger, few times hes come in really stinky - its those glands on their bum, he must have been frightened in the day or something and activated those stinky glands. and drools if he gets really cozy...rub his stomach a bit and he is frothing in the mouth.. I was not alarmed this time tho Id seen my chotu froth and Cats are crazy animals they froth in the mouth if they dont like what theyve eaten and when are, well just pleased.. purring is not enough at times. yeah I am thinking these things and missing him...

Its time to leave, we are all packed and all our bags are in the car.. final cleaning in the house is done. We are almost saying bye to Mark and returning the keys, Its pouring like crazy and Guess who turns up..:) :) :) all wet that too. Meowing loudly. I am really touched that this bugger comes to say bye to me.. We got to tell him a nice good bye. He stayed there on the door step till we turned the car and left... sitting in the rain - dirty bugger! :) sweetest ever!

rajan kivi

Love this Kannada movie plot - ond Raja irtane, Avan kivi katthe kavi agogatte..yarigu gotiraala, but one day hair cutting madakke barber bartane and he gets to know the state of raja's ears. Avnge secret mansalli itkollake aggalla.. but yargadru helidre - he will lose his head. sakkat vaddadi tadkolakkagde wife ge heli bidtane.. as soon as he tells.. his wifes stomach becomes really big... because she is carrying the secret LOL! she cant keep a secret too..(obviously :P) so they go onto a forest dig a deep ditch and she shouts into it.. Rajana kivi katte kivi Rajana kivi katte kivi ! helid takhsna her hotte is normal :) (if I tell out some secrets will my stomach also....)but.. bhumi tayi also cant carry the secret discretely :) so aa jayagalli one dry tree hut bidatte :) LOL... after some days some musicians( royal ones I think :) ) come that way.. find that tree and make a tabla out of it... Guess what comes out when u play that tabla... "Rajan Kivi Katte Kivi :) :)"

haha not that I am gonna do a truth and bare ( what was that game... ah! truth or dare ! horrid game) but I do feel kinda relieved like that lady who barked secrets into the ditch..

I was thinking what really happens when u tell out things...

for one thing.. what ever you tell out looses potency...

yeno madbeku ankondu.. madak munche hattu janakke helbitre.. that thing never gets done..

yeno tale kori ta irratte.. talk about it to a good friend .. same thoughts will come back but koriodilla alva?

and for another how they sound when told out loud to others they make entirely different sense than how they sound inside our heads ...yeno dodda vishya nanu yeno madibiite ansta irratte but once u tell others u feel aiyo silly things yaake tale kediskondidde anta..

or sometimes opposite.. silly anta ankondirtive but reaction nodi oops ansattee..

also unburdening your heart to near dear ones or to complete anonymous strangers or whatever Its is almost theopahtic.. feel Its absolutely necessary for a healthy life...

Aiyo nanu tappu maddi bitte.. aiyo I am so silly and I am doing crazy this this this and this crazy things... or this friend of mine is really .. grr want to wriggle their neck...anta friend ge helidre saku.. crazy thing tale inta hogibiddatte.. friend neck wriggle mado enthu nu hotogatte...and all is well agogatte :)

Sense of relief u get when u tell out some things is really something! :) secrets or otherwise...

ps: so some peoples who I am pestering from long time to tell the secret -bear ur heart.. here is an ear( katte kivi :D) ready to listen :P

nonstopnonsense

9:45 late to office

No trains in Ealing station

next train to Epping in 7 minutes

next train to Norflock in 18 minutes

train arrives on platform 5

people get in- people find a seat, people sit down

train arrives on platform 6

accouncement:

train on platform 6 leaving in 2 minutes

people get up, people run, but train doors are already closed

train on platform 6 leaves

people return to platform 5

people catch a seat, people sit down

another train arrives on platform 6

another announcement :

train on platform 6 leaving in 4 minutes

people get up, people run ,

people catch a seat, people sit down

train on platform 5 leaves :D WTF?!!?

embarrassed announcement: Err..we are sorry if u were misled by announcement in the other train!!!!!!!!! This train will depart in 5 minutes..

Total delay 20 minutes

Also this particular people was wearing headphones -listening to music and was running between trains just because other people was doing the same, without hearing any but the last announcement.

ps: this train will depart, this train will terminate..cant they manage to say the same thing in less gloomy language?

new job

1st week they said hi :)

2nd week they asked how it was going...

3rd week and I am the furniture !!