Maturity eludes

when someone has low expectation or a low opinion of you what do u do?

The sane ones who go on exactly as before,they are not affected by what others think of them, good or bad, they do what they'd have done in any case.
Others who try to put in extra effort to make things right, try to do extra good to change that low opinion to good opinion. Normal people.
Then there are some others who try to live up to the low expectation and do even worse. "u think badly of me and that's how I shall be!" types..Silly immature people.

Guess which one I turned out to be... :-)

my shuttle driver looks just like this!

Now seriosuly!!! I swear! even shade or two better than this!!!
I think all meditation paying off! :P Law of attraction works ;-)
God!!! you exist and your world is a lovely beautiful place! :-D I love you! :-D
**Widest Grin** ever **

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fauja_Singh
When thoughts cross my mind I may be too old for this or that...I think of this man!
100 and going strong.

coffee and cognac :-) yumm!!!
winter is almost here and it brings in some goodies with it :D this is one of them!

How much time do we spend looking at our own faces?
for all the effort we put into it.. not more than 5 mins a day? in front of the mirror? may be 10 if u are feeling too self indulgent.. ok let us make it 15, counting the 10 secs in the lift + bathroom mirror when u wash ur hand etc etc...
How much time do we spend looking at any other face in our life? - husband, colleagues, ur child?
20 mins max? most of the time when we speak, we dont look at the face, we are looking here, there or at TV..  u go for coffee tea lunch with people but look at face.. not much.
people probably look at their very young children a lot.
Funny, we invest so much effort into looking nice, there is so much feel good factor into looking nice but hardly any one sees ur face(or body? :P), except if u are a model or movie star.
may be its not the quantity that matters but quality, even tho we look at a person for just a few seconds or a few minutes a day, we record that face and keep in memory and use it. So even tho someone is not looking at us for long, our face is still there in their thoughts/in their mind as a vision! as a memory! So we have to look good!! cool!!!!
I also think we update that image only when there is a drastic change in that person, thats why some old aunts and uncles still think of u as a little chubby cheeked kid, still think u are short or skinny when u are nothing of that sort now! :-)

emotion and logic! and some other confusing digressions.

[Wiki says digression is an intentional change of subject! so may be I should call this confusing meandering self conversation.. Its thought flow I think.. old one.]

Is this debate the same as head v/s heart? we shall see!

Logic - what is most valued these days. u should support ur decisions with sound logic. why I am doing this? what will happen if i do it. etc etc. totally left brain thinking. This is also called using ur head.

now what do we mean by following ur heart?

Following ur emotions? passion! what does it mean?

Emotion is usually below logic. emotional decisions are mostly wrong. They are colored too much by the tactical present. I am hungry I want to eat, even if  u are diabetic u want to eat sugar. 

Logic will help us lead a correct life. following just emotions can ruin life - like anger  makes us do all kinds of bad stuff which we shouldnt do, if we used a bit of logic we wouldnt have done it. so logic is good right?

but then what is folllowing ur heart and what about passion impulsiveness? Umm logic is ok but where is the FUN!!!???!!??! 

logic is .. well no fun! yeah it isn't! compeltely logical person.. everyone hates them. Is he a geek?... they are not even geeks- geeks are passionate and emotional about logical things :)! completely logical person is a dry and boring person!?? ( umm ... I love using logic for fun, minesweeper, sudoku, playing detective etc etc, but doing logical stuff just for fun is not really practical or logical. is it? :P) like some who keeps everything insanely clean, who is so much into counting and stuff - and like those parents I see on the train who keep trying to cram up some learning into every game for their children!! ??
No not really!! What about the strategists? Those guys who are highly successful? how do u think they did it? Planed and  played life like chess, if u make plans and think up how the other person would react and plan moves.( hehe I am being judgemental. I should not be thinking that this is wrong but it is obvious, I do.) Even tho entirely logical, they are definitely not dry. so it turns out logic can also be strategical or tactical. not just emotional. so is strategical better than tactical? I would think so.
would logic make everyone  a cut throat lawyer? or a businessman?.... heartless!!! is logical = heartless? 

Emotional people can be better heartless because they understand others emotions so can be more effectively heartless...
There! Another wrong assumption!! Logical person does not understand emotions in others??? Why not? There is a logic behind emotions too. It just needs paying attention to that aspect to lead u to understand emotions. Most emotional people dont understand others emotions for one. They probably dont understand their own emotions. They just react to it.
my mind thinks stragegy = bad. business minded = bad.
Emotional people = people who react to emotions.
Logical people = people who look at the world by using logic.
being good or bad, being heartless can be both. Logical and emotional  are not polar opposites of each other. like I said before geeks for example - who are very emotional about their logical work. artists are purely emotional but not logical. CAs and finance people are probably purely logical without being emotional. prejudice but generally speaking...:-D
Wise is entirely different thing,- a  person who understands emotions , who understands the value of emotions to others and to oneself + who understand logic and also its limitations =  wise.

Ignoring emotions is the worst thing we can do. its like ignoring real physical pain. u know how important pain is when u see someone who does not feel pain. Its a sad example :-( but still if a person doesnot have sensation in his legs, sometimes our ordinary red ants which we squish and throw, can attack his legs. 100's of them almost causing huge wounds just in one night, sometimes half a night :-( and he wouldnt even know. Suppressing/Denying emotions may be doing this to you. This is worse than acting them out. I think.

I have seen very twisted logic, incomplete logic used to cloud reality by many people. including me.

Once upon a time, when somebody had a miscarriage I logiked that indias population is too high so a baby less isnt a big loss! I was little kid then and too caught up with population propoganda on DD . but still ! how many logics we use are as stupid and as twisted as this? Ill never know untill I examine.

when something tells me dont do this/do that... could be just emotion which is the lowest of the lot, even below logic. may be its just fear that is telling ?

Then if I use logic,I can counter this fear and tell myself, there is safety nothing can happen etc..

Then there is instinct/Intuition- What if my subconscious has detected something and it is trying to tell me?  I want to listen to my intuition, but logic wont let me. I cant let go off logic because logic is very good at countering emotions. which are misguiding me all the time. how do I get rid of logic to see thro to intution and instinct but use it against emotions?
Sigh! they have a very easy answer for this! awareness! be aware! ull know! god thats the hardest and logest route to success or what! but yeah that is the ultimate solution. when u are aware u slowly start distroying the distortions of emotions and of old thougth patterns which we call logic. 

Speaking of  adrenalin junkies.
 We like to think animals are concerned only with survival, food shelter and sex . There were 100's of pigeons on the beach in Portsmouth that day. They werent there for food, There were there for the breeze! Steady breeze over the sea and these guys were just there.. wind Gliding?  (surfing!!!??? apparently its not called wind surfing? They were basically not flapping wings but flying in one place -Hovering? and using the breeze to do it!! after a while they get pushed back and new set takes the front line!! Grrrr I know there is a word for this?! They taught us this in Para gliding but  I forgot ! Grrr )  no food no survival, just pure fun!! Taking turns to try it out!
(Dono if those stupid pigeons on rail track were looking for adrenalin rush tho)
Reminded me of those monkeys in jaipur, jumping off a high post into water! Just for fun!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/07/20/tombstoning-monkeys-macaques-leap-off-lamp-post-into-water-for-fun-115875-23284201/

Playing with each other and building social bonds is all fine, Its a proper mammal trait. but this kind of daredevilry? :-) This is proper adventure sport!
When we want to jump off a plane or do scuba dive, And some practical minded thinks it is stupid, we should remind them, its not just a human trait, Its inherited from our fore fathers ;-) 

2 stupid pigeons. Dead.
picking food on railway tracks?
so what if they have wings!
they have too much confidence!
they think they can outfly the train!
or they are adrenalin junkies?
waiting till the last minute to fly off
making my heart jump out!
Thats called playing chicken, not pigeon!
now both dead on the same day, on either side of the track
everyday I get into the front coach
today I had to go to the last
I think I din see the pigeons and I looked
I think I knew it would happen!
God bless their souls, brave or stupid or is there any difference?

yeah yeah I am disturbed by this. I din want to put :( smilee because anyway I shouldn't be disturbed. they are stupid birds and they paid for it, pigeon brained, bird brained we call it. Ive been seeing them for a week now flying off just before the train is about to hit them, the train is slow because its going to stop, What about trains that dont stop at this station? I thought, these birds wont make it!! and they didnt. I couldnt have done much to save them even tho I knew. Could I? must be I thought, if they have survived so far they will continue. Just like my cats.. I knew the dogs would get them. eventually. I mean I knew in my heart but I din do anything, what could I do? lock them up inside and kill their spirit? :-( helpless.

thoughts are electrical , emotions are chemical. Thoughts just pass by, come and go. But emotion have a longer curve, it takes a longer time to wear off, body has to process the chemical that is generated.
Thoughts are like driving a car  and emotions are like steering a boat may be.. with more inertia.
Thoughts are just in the head, emotions are felt all over the body,like tear glands and stuff :P. Its not just electrical signals, its chemical signals right? - serotonin and stuff like that. I havent gone into the biology of it.

why all this? why because..some times a bad thought comes creates some emotions, u have control over thought, u think of other things or u reason out with the thought but u cant expect change in emotion immediately.. u have to wait out for the emotion to be processed.

( In occult they talk of mental body being more subtle than the emotional body. Is this what they mean? Could be the "body" they talk about is just a representation or a model to make us understand the concept and not actual body around us? Just like sine wave is not really that curve we see but its a way of showing us how things change in time..)

I expect everyone to be a grown up and myself to be the child.
The reality is everyone is a child and the only person who can actually grow up is me!!!  :-(

going to try to get a dab into lonelyness...
JK style :-) I always say I m ok with being alone.. but .... how about no books no Mp3 no laptop no TV... no mobile.. I am so tempted to take my book with me... ok can I do this? the thought is exciting me... yeah baby! :-)
Lets give it a shot... somewhere where there are no people... or wht if there are people looks like I m embarrassed to be alone without book mp3 in front of people :-) why? what is there to be ashamed of it? and.. people here poor things dont care or rather they are sensitive enough to make u feel that they dont care or rather should I say they dont mind what ever u do. and even here I am so... bothered! chill sister. go to some place just lie on the grass and just chill.. warpole park or some exotic place, u are going to find in 15 mins.. u should be out by 12! :-) or the enthu will go and u will end up seeing scrubs whole afternoon..

Did it! some 4 hours on the grass, in the sun - no company, no book, no mp3, no sleep even, but no boredom or no lonelyness.  Its kind of unbelievable that,  if u go looking for it,even loneliness will evade u? act pricey?  Conclusion, U wont find loneliness when u go looking for it, It comes to you on its own when least wanted. and then I dont think I'll be in mood to dab into it and examine it etc. Ill be bawling :D
Or may be 4 hours is too short, should try for something like 4 days, 4 months, 4 years :D nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

ps: Vipassana seems compatible with this? but spending 10 day holiday for meditating... I m not motivated enough to do it... 

vegetarian?

( This is past BTW, my body has recovered from the temporary meat phobia, atleast for chicken for sure.)

I think 3 weeks of salad diet has brought this about! err....should I (Groan!!!) be predominantly vegetarian for a while.? Oh! Groan!  but yeah... I m thinking about this..

I used to be so proud of my USP - Ill eat anything... I think god/? whoever doesnot like me being proud of anything? Meat causing nausea.. Time delay nausea...It tastes great and everything but after an hour I feel like it will all come out :-( Is it my subconscious which thinks meditation and meat dont go together?.. what ever it is... It is hard.
 Frankly I cant be vegetarian because  its a mental block, just like I cant wear saree or wear gold or accept traditional functions and stuff like that.... in all these cases, some strong emotional reactions kick in...
Just the word vegetarian hitting so many stupid mental blocks...just want to rebel and go eat a sausage but I know what will happen..

vegetarian = thousands of years of oppression of thousand of classes of people of India by the upper castes
vegetarian = exclusivity, ( I hate exclusive clubs)
vegetarian =  false animal love ( why cant it be true animal love? :-) It can be, but I think like to think its false :D)
vegetarian = Stupid pride and  sense of superiority for being the class who oppressed ...
vegetarian = discrimination
vegetarian = hurting peoples sentiments
vegetarian = nuisense( especially abroad)
vegetarian = Sissy( my school girls), annoying( everyone :D )
vegetarian = illogical and impractical.. (dont cook meat in this vessel etc)
vegetarian = separatism
vegetarian = Modi, right wing, saffron, Gujarath( killed muslims), Rajasthan(regressive),( Haryana is non- veg and regressive :D but mental blocks are not reasonable! duh!)
vegetarian = Silly veggie girls not treating injured animals and birds because they thought blood is filthy(in school).
Grrr, I should stop associative hatered like this...

but frankly you do love animals then how can you eat them? I can.
are you eating meat just to be a rebel because of all the reasons above? no..
are you sure? no...
Is it just taste? but its making me sick..
most people dont eat animals because they think they are too filthy to be eaten so I love animals and they are tasty? :P

ok fine but Have you thought of the complete life cycle of the meat that is in front of you?.. may be not...

may be you should..

and then torture myself? 

but you should face reality. 

but its part of life. 

but avoidable?

but I still dont want to be veg,I like to try new things to eat, even meat. I guess I take a lot of pride in eating anything and everything?and  I dont like being fussy...
all that is ok but what about cruelty?
Its better to kill to eat than to make purses and shoes..?
ok dont buy leather shoes and purses also. all that is ok but is it ok to kill to eat?

Actually, to eat is the only thing for which killing is ok ...I did feel very bad about saving a bird from my cat remember? Our evolution is based on food chain and killing to eat..its the most noble death, 

how would I rather die? wouldnt it be best if I was eaten? wouldnt that be the most useful death rather than death by disease( again being eaten by microbes) or coming under a car? Eaten by lions :) LOL!
hmm those are just clever words or are they real sentiments?
if they are real sentiments, Can you go thru full meat cycle from killing a live animal to cooking and to then eating? no I couldnt... unless I was on some death island.. may be then I would...
may be you should? that would turn me veg or get rid of this dilemma or pretence.
for someone who has so much hatred for meat haters,why dont you ever wash uncooked meat and cut it? or even cook it?
I have cut and cooked fish... ok I give that to you...

Nope! dont feel it. what ever the reason... u know what? u cant really argue about this with logic, it has to come from the heart, the day I feel it from the heart I will be veg.
Predominantly veg is ok, but looks like vegetarian is not something I am ready to accept at this point of time.

Edit: I was having this imaginary conversation in my head how Ill explain to people if I went veg and I was saying  I am vegetarian but for health reasons and not for animal kindness reasons!!!!! ??what deeps? why ?I think its not ok to be veggie for kindness reasons? think its a bit self righteous or what? why is it any more self righteous than oh all my pets are from SPCA? :P Or Oh Ive never been drunk in my life.. or .. thousand other "virtues" "I" m proud of?!
but this one makes ME look bad eh? ;-).
 I like myself when I am unreasonable :P Its cute :P

"Before enlightenment, I used to be depressed; after enlightenment, I continue to be depressed. You don't make a goal out of relaxation and sensitivity. Have you ever heard of people who get tense trying to relax? If one is tense, one simply observes one's tension. You will never understand yourself if you seek to change yourself. The harder you try to change yourself the worse it gets. You are called upon to be aware." - Anthony De Mello.

I liked this!  I try to implement this  but I get angry when someone says change urself! :-) ??!!!?

I think I m hanging by a thin thread to this be aware instead of changing concept that I get angry when someone challenges it? I think...


when u have an Idea and someone challenges it,
 If u are truly convinced, u are calm when u explain the idea to others. If you get agitated that someone challenges it or if u have a very strong need to convince others about an idea, chances are that you urself are not convinced?

http://magickalmusings-thangjam.blogspot.com/2008/03/back-to-story.html

K-o-e or Khol in one eye was in my dream J

 I have this huge American style house with a deck and trees all around and French windows and open plan kitchen and everything and we have a party I think.. house is so crowded, lot of people helping themselves with food- buffet from the kitchen… then k-o-e still kitten comes to me and asks for milk or some food. I want to give but it is taking time.. k-o-e is now a man. ( Koe is a He? ;-) dono) anyway , blond tall lean and handsome in a dark suit white shirt, but still cat like is insisting, troubling me – food food food. My husband ( not R :D some tall blond again ) is Jealous, says no food for k-o-e.  

Then it seems somehow K-o-e is no longer cat man but Guhimo, Fox man.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kumiho  I WILL give Guhimo food, He is my friend. Husband insists no and I say yes and .. I think I woke up slightly after this and was happy I had some kinda interesting dream because of blog and dream got distracted to something else.

Such a domestic magical dream this J I enjoyed it never the less.. house was beautiful under a canopy of huge trees and full of glass..

I woke up happy today.( I think there was more in the dream which made me happy but I dont remember it )