trip MOM ( for myself)

random thoughts - Trip to Mysore with family to attend a traditional function with traditional aunt visiting a traditional uncle. That was such a challenge.. I dono why I felt I should record my fight with myself(ego?) to be not irritated and angered by all this traditionality?. I think I lost. (Total rant! dont read)

"Taming the ego is not easy... it takes time.. it doesnot like being tamed at all. It doesnot have to be done in a day". My ego tantrums reminded me of horse .Ego felt like a horse that bucked me and ran away and me rider, frustrated, sitting on that temple jagli.  These were the thoughts after trying to conquer my irritation about functions and then failing and driving away from that function to escape the irritation and then finding an abandoned temple and  sitting on the stone jaglee on the temple. Resigned with the irritation.  ( ego here more like sense of identity not attitude)

"u dont have to tell anyone this as long as u know it ! :)" wrt to above realisation. I was making up stories( excuses more like) as to why I got angry and when the second voice prompted saying "why tell story, when u know its ego" a third voice said.."story can be for others.. as long as I know.. they dont need to know".  Then big smile.. I like my own company too much :P

"Is it really worth it to question the norm and try to accept ppl as they are. they suck man! :)" wrt to my aunt asking me if i wear saree ( 10,000th time ) at 12 30 at night.. before sleeping off and snoring like a truck.

"Its ok to accept nonsense traditions because her intentions are good" ..wrt to granny.

"kandhe pe bithaya to... "wrt to my mum asking me to touch sister in laws feet! Grrr! still irritated. growl and bite even for mum next time. shes been warned.

music - breaks down -ve thought forms ! fast driving too :) and so does beauty - good smell..( if I was poetic I wud have said fragrance :D)

"Art of conversation - I better learn this to save myself from death by boredom..!" before running away from it all.

Few days back experience - when someone is trying to manipulate u and u donot get manipulated, all the -ve emotions they were trying to bring in on you, get backfired on them. but this does not seem to work with aunties.. they go on needling. if u just let it be- they take another shot. may be the best medicine is in fact a good growl and bark and a bite :D even smart insults are useless with dumb people :(

Lessons learnt, medicine should be taken in small doses.. very small.

Lesson learnt 2 never forget to think of ways to have fun, cud have taken cousins out on a long drive, nice picnic...

Shouldnt forget to be urself cause of some mission, cud have hung out with kids instead of trying to bore myself to death with aunties, just to prove a point, just to question some stupid norms.

I hate relatives :( I hate aunties!

I even thought of headphones with the car sterio. I dont want to listen to ppl in back seat. Wish they sleep off wish they sleep off wish they sleep off.

really funny how much I have let them get to me when trying to not let them get to me, I wonder if I just was myself and kicked their fat asses id have not let them get to me.

Another feeling - really afraid of staying behind times.. suffocating feeling, i am afraid of rotting and not getting fresh things in my house or in my life.. rishi;s aunt still having only casette player and no CD player.. bags and bags full of old stuff in my aunts place... old TV;s in everyones house in mysore. worries me...no health faucet even in posh houses.. i dont want to become like that.. especially mentally. some ppl are like that stuck in the best times in their lives.. favourite movie is still DDLJ ...talk of bazigar and Daar ...raveena tondon.. one of my fears these days... staying behind in time.. the US indians who left indian in 70's... old customs...it was not judgement it was fear.. especially with people who dont have children, I feel its easy to get stuck in some time in the past...

wrinkle on my forehead deepened. :( too much sun one contributer..

awesome long drive tho.. I luv driving..rash driving good thing about mysore is it has lovely scenery just a short drive away.

cozy and warm feeling with auntys and uncle, they really love me. :) only my mum has issues! and cousin lookin like a hero ! cool! a bit embarrassing I thought whos this smart guy before recognising :-$

and awesome awesome awesome mango rasayana! hats off to satish uncle for thinking of bendekai bhajji and rasayana wiht lunch..slurp slurp! reminded me of dharwar.

one more thought which got concrete should have donated stuff to orphanage/old age home instead of selling...god give me guts to donate all the money got from selling to some place like that.

positive things are late additions.. :) the first thing that came out was all the frustration...thought of some other nice thing when walking down the steps..it went away.. anyway..

when I re-read I think i am influence a lil by my friends blogging style....?!?

guy runs away with his step-mom who is only 8 years older than him...

Unnatural/ grosse? lot of protests over it... reminded me of - Salim anarkali! :) these guys are Muslim too. .. one of our celebrated love stories...we cant take it in real life..

I dono what to think of real incest either.. (old boy!that made my stomach churn!) sometimes life can take weird and sad turns.

twins separated at birth in orphanage and meeting up and falling in love, not out of Geoffry archer novel. This was real life. Germany....its really more sad than sick..

[In the novel when the guy kills himself when he knows his wife is his half sister.. i really got angry with GA, (just like hindi movies hero;s sisters kill themselves to avoid villians advances.. old boy is more broadminded.. ) old post taboo.. exact same example, exact same content, my thoughts recycle :P good to write down I can spot repetitiions]

arhatic yoga prep level

after waiting for a long time took this course. It is not like the other courses.. too advanced, too demanding. lot of techniques and less discoveries so to say. Following up with this will be lot of work. Usually taking one of these courses makes me feel like on the top of the world, but this one made me feel like i have the world on my head.. i am yet to digest and ingest what all was taught. practice of 2 years will lead to next level. lot of reading to do, to understand what is taught and whys of it.

Few good online courses which may help me learn , all are free :)

• Astara
• Institute of mental physics
• http://www.gnosticawakenings.com/gnostic-courses/astral-travel-dreams
• http://www.aypsite.org/12.html

one good thing about the course was that it made me realise how much study and practice and actually even progress i have made in the past 3 years. eye opener of sorts. when I looked back at the past 3 years I usually looked at it one dimensionally - career wise and felt a lil low. Now i think i did infact make very good use of my time after all, all this takes lot of time and work and I have put in that work. and only person I can show the work is to my-self. :) I was a stupid manager, now I have become more sensitive manager and i have given myself a better rating :)

small small realisations...(for myself)

I have always felt uneasy bout the last few years of my life because I didnt progress as much in my career... yesterday in Arhatic prep class when they were insisting on study- study of theosophy and all, I realised how much I have studied in the past 3 years.. i have made progress in one aspect of my life, if not in the others.. people just judge by "career" "personal". Shouldnt fall into the same pitfall and judge urself .. I felt really happy and kind of relieved actually. I am not the kind who wastes life... I have started appriciating myself more..

I was really irritated and judgemental in the class of a lot of people.. but what i liked was that as soon as I judged someone I realised.. ah! judging.. ah! juding agian :) I liked that.. realising.. after a while I felt like laughing when i passed judgement yet agian.. I had to reply to that ah! judging by saying.. this girl.. she really does deserve judging .. see she skipped the line during lunch and acts like a princess wearing a belly dancer like top thinks she is a heroine :)

I like that I am a strong person, I sometimes feel I am like that doll addisinodi belisinodu urulihogaldu.. :) complains and cribbings apart.. I learn :) I like that about me. seeing myself laugh at acharya hectors jokes.. i would have turned red and wud be really upset few years ago at this... another mental block broken..

PEP training was quite spritual he talked about 100% listening.. which is similar to the accurate perception which pranic healing talks about...

PEP talked about re-iterating and reenforcing ur beliefs.. similar in pranic healing...

-ve thought forms same concept in pranic healing and Louise hay, different methods to solve the same problem.. or different ways of describing the same .

Meditation

What is meditation..

Tapas, when I was a kid for me meditation was saying Om namah shivaya.. preferably on a hill top J now that I am meditating for a few years I am a bit more clear about meditation but I went thru a lot of confusion .. so making it a bit clear for you.

When u look at meditation u find a few distinct kinds of practices being callled meditation

Relaxation meditations-. Guided meditations or u can do this yourself.. your progressively relax urself completely like shavasana.. Great for de stressing, insomnia. Best to start off with, makes u feel really good and cozy.. u can sleep with a mmmmm after few such.

Losing yourself in music is also a kind of meditation.

Concentration meditations - Concentrating on your breath, concentrating on a image – visualizing a flower or locale.. this will need bit of mind control. I would recommend trying this once in a way but sticking to relaxation meditations until u get used to sitting quietly for 20 mins before attempting these… usually better done without a tape. Concentrating on breath din work for me. I like visualization, It can be fun but it’s a bit of work. ( its not work if it is guided, but if it is guided I wud consider it as relaxation meditation and not concentrating one)

Chanting - I cudnt progress with chanting. BTW this is the om namah shivaya meditation. I can keep chanting and keep thinking thoughts in the background. Din work for me

Concentrating or watching ur thoughts: very very good exersice, in my opinion this watching thoughts should go on 24/7 rather than for 20 mins.. I would consider this advanced.. try it for fun,u can do this probably after 2-3 months of guided meditations.

Concentration can be on the inside like above or it can be outside.. u just listen to every sound u can hear and every sensation u can feel ( Vipassana) I liked this also, again its work, difficult.

Other types

Enhancing energy body /chakra meditations – if you are not into all this, ignore leave it. ( I have a few relaxing chakra meditation tho I wud put that in category 1 rather than this.)

Trance and hynopsis meditations – similar to Guided relaxation meditations, but they have binural beats which take u into ur brain into deep alpha state. many times u dont remember what the tape was about untill after a point.

Dance meditation – yes recommended by even sri sri.. J lose yourself in dance and let ur body move to the music ; din we feel the bliss in Athena? ;)

Affirmation meditations – again very good effect, I love louise hay..This is if u have a goal and want to full fill it. Affirmations are really powerful.

Dynamic meditations by Osho – like whrilling etc.. I tried them but found them very weird not for me, you can google them if u are interested.

If you are the organized and disciplined kinds stick to one meditation if u are like me I found it easier to switch between different kinds and trying out.. that kept my interest and helped me make this a habit.

You may ask – what are the benefits..

People say they are calmer more peaceful etc etc, for me I do it for the sake of doing it, I like meditating.. I cannot positively vouch for the positive effects meditation has had on my personality…it has made me a bit less worldly less ambitious less stressed ..mmm what else…and I have other spiritual interests in meditation ( in which there is definite progress J) which will not interest you. :-P

After discontinuing meditation for 2 months I realize very clearly what the benefits of meditation were. I am clearly more irritable and less peaceful, more restless. Meditation and Pranayama is very very useful in keeping the peace of mind. but u may not feel it that much then.

if you are a beginner try “Deep & Slow Energy Meditation ” from

http://ananga.net/modules.php?name=Downloads&d_op=viewdownload&cid=3
i like ananga sivyers music and voice, really soothing.

you can check out the below websites for loads of meditation

http://www.jetcityorange.com/meditation/
bramhanada is good if you have some experience with meditation. It takes you to relaxed state real fast but you need to listen a few times before u feel the effect.

http://download.meditation.org.au/
they have a mediation class and loads of music and guided meditation downloads.

double_induction by Hypnotica is also great for relaxaion.
http://www.hypnotica.org/privatedownloads.htm

My meditation history

Stage I – before 2006
1) visulisation
buddha statues or a flower or a scenary
2) listening to all the sounds with out missing any from the far away truck to the fan.
3) concentate on breathing
4) on namah shivaya and Om chanting

1 and 2 used to work well.

Stage II – 2006
listening to Tibetan Om mani padme hum
visualisation with it in medows, in himalays.
flute and some music tapes ?

Stage III- 2007 August onwards

almsot always with head phones, much more regular than ever before
Binual beats – bramha nada
Ananga sliver relaxation tapes
double induction – hypnotica

2008 – almost daily meditation
the above +
Loving kindness
white light
twin heart ( very rarely )
flute music, tibetan bowls.

Stage IV – april 2008
brain weiss meditation
medtation in yoga class, without aids
buddist chanting
Zencast
Started having automatic movements and saw colors. I think this is new stage of my meditation.

Now -2009-2010
Two years hence I had hoped to see lot of progress, but I am still there.. I have automatic movements and see colors. I have started twin heart meditaiton- it is very powerful but I find it hard to do everyday. I need to get used to it. too much energy pouring down. but the effect is really immense. I tried a lot of meditaitons which promote OBE but no success. :) I didnt really persevere in one style so dont blame it.

Now I feel I am better off without music, but it helps to start off.

The reason to start off this is I wanted to make a list of all the varied kind of meditations I have done. I heard that it is not safe to mix up different techniques. But to begin with I found it helped to vary to build up habbit. Dont think it harmed me.
And basically upstill now they are all the same thing, 1) concentrate on one thing or other chanting visulatisation, sound, breathing etc
2) biaural beats which acts on the brain directly to bring it to alpha states
3) hypnosis -combination of 1 and 2?

I am planin to start trying
Osho meditations – dynamic and chakra meditations ( tried and didnt like it )

Another couple killed by parents. honor killings. :-( what price people pay for questioning the norms... no wonder that trait is rare...

why do people go to such lengths to preserve the continuity of their customs and beliefs? did their survival depend so much on continuity in the past? or it is that this ugly rigidy has slowly crept in. the selfish meme has strengthened its own survival... meme has morphed into the selfish gene( selfish meme) society doesnot understand that the meme is propogating its own survial, not the survival of the society which is propogating it.

and what sickness this is.. amnt i lucky I can be carefree enough to not care about the consequence of my questionings or rebelions.. noone ;s even gonna kill me for this.. we never realise how very very very lucky we are to be in this society to be so free..free of talibans khafs communist governments, lawless rouge millitia, unstable democracies... arent we blessed, to be in the midst of civilization in this world which even today is largly savage.. in one way or another. 10 minute movie of bosnia made me shudder, same happening in Khazakysthan.. now, whole of africa is always under fire.. Iran Iraq pakisthan afganistahn.. china..russia.. south america.. even our own country if u step out 50 km from bangalore.. u have caste wars and families being burned alive :( if me made a satellite map of violence earth would look red and not blue. :(

MBTI trends

I did this http://www.typealyzer.com/ shared by my friend .

I did this when I was new to the blog and my type was INTP. I wanted to try it again.. I got ISFP...a radical change..

It is funny. I tried it on every month of the blog and it shows a steady trend

INTP - ISTP-ESFP-ISFP

So I was thinker and then I was in extroverted frame of mind for a while.. long while almost from may 09- nov 09 and the last few posts are artist.. ISFP... introverted! :)

interesting... one of the nice things about blogging is that u can keep track of how ur mind was. the state of mind at different points in life...

I like this trend analysing a lot :)

golden evening

There was this beautiful sunset a couple of weeks ago, the kind which makes the whole world turn golden. Feels foreign that,remidns of brazil. Never been to brazil :) but I can imagine cant I? :)

Well that prompted me to tell my friend how an evening in an ideal world would be, to match this ideal sunset.
Such an evening deserves not sitting in offices. but ppl dancing to live music in the parks. there are these huge stages in parks where the town ppl practice music every evening. and passers by dance to that. ball dance or salsa . old couples and young ones too.. Its beautiful. the park is beautiful too.. with huge trees and lawn and big. no noice of vehicles here.. tho cycles run in the park, u can hear the rukus of kids playing . There are children running aroung in the park, the older ones have settled down for their daily talks. about science fiction and their favourite heros. the teenagers walk around throwing around sly glances. there are no fittness freaks sawing their butts off with ipods and black berries here. there are no texting teenagers. Its golden age and I think we are in 60s here...
Old people looking at the reflections in the river soaking up the sun and talking of old times with their old buddies they have known for ages now...walking sticks and toothless grins and mulfers monkey caps and guffass. and passing youngsters chatting up the oldies. complimenting the old granpas bout how handsome they are looking that day. everybody has a smile for everybody else.. no creased eye brows no frown lines... laughter... lightness...peaceful not quite but peaceful and the smell.... ah its smells so fresh , the grass, the leaves... like its just stopped raining...sun is trying to hide behind that far away fort on that far away hill!! I take a deep breath and stare into the horizon!! nice! I think I'll run up and climb that hill and catch the last rays of the sun... wanna race?

written 20/06/2009 almost an year ago.. edited now. :) have seen quite a few golden susnsets since then but havent been moved by any of them.

Questioning the norm

One incident yesterday made me realize- again! that I am different from most people in one way. I question norms. “ You should not enter a temple when u have chums!!” I used to get furious about such statements. How is it different from saying a lower caste person cannot enter a temple? If people hadn’t questioned that, thanks to Gandhi and Ambedkar, only bramhins would be going into temples even today? Wearing married women symbols…some of them frankly quite vulgar looking :D J J J( we had a really fun discussion bout this yesterday :D not blog material :x) There are subtle ways ( most times not too subtle) in which I question, I rebel and society accepts me that way.

Now a days people are happy content and ...conformist. and that’s not a bad thing… What I miss most in my society is.. We are challenging the scientific limits - google ( hey I am reading google story you know) challenged the way we surf the net. Is anyone challenging the society?? a few here and a few there.. nothing else much happening. It doesnot have to be archaic customs which need challenging… even basic new things.. as humans we occupy 60*40 site full of concrete construction.. shouldn’t we question why we are changing the face of whole world to live? Cant we live on tree tops.. shouldn't we challenge -"taking bath daily"… or "ironing"… isn’t it silly wasting so much time removing creases from our clothes..???! no one ironed the 9 yard sarees and dhotis.. did they? J most people think is a sin to not bath daily… small things in life – women shouldn’t have hair on their body…why not? ! :P or wearing a tie.. meaningless! Totally.. isn’t it? A tie? We have invented wonderfully comfy clothes but we insist on wearing uncomfortable stiff clothes to work where we spend most percentage of our lives..why not tracks and t-shirts at work? J (kudos to vijji for wearing shorts to work! ) Do we question the silly ness of some of the norms in our society? like our the attitude towards sex and romance . its totally not Indian. its puritian /Christian /british or probably Moghul-Islami ,whatever. The people who brought in this culture into our country have total given up on prudity but we hold on… In this case I am on the other side of the fence- a total prude. Used to be Muthalik until a few years ago. Easy to fight a norm outside of you, which u don’t like. but a norm which is ingrained in you.. which u accept in full faith. harder to question and fight…This is a harder battle than fighting with aunties about short hair and mangalsutra..worst part is recognizing such a norm, probably the other things I question so easily is an ingrained norm in most people just like this??

Coming back to my point.. social inventions.. like internet, mobiles changed the way we live… when will we start seeing social breakthroughs .

We are not taking that seriously …. There is much much more scope for improvement here than in the other aspects of our lives.. right? But difficult to make profits.. but wait a minute.. Art of living, ashrmas etc… trying to sell social inventions? no... more like personal inventions. even my pranic healing is one such and it is a good thing. Pranic healing was one hell of a big questioning of my scientific mentality . and I think it was one major revelation!

social inventions..Communism was one social invention – failed miserably … the hippie culture was one more… that one .. gave freedom to women didn’t it? Social changes are sometimes side effects of inventions.. for example the pill contraceptive – single most important invention in bringing up the status of women in the society.. if a woman is not spending her entire life giving birth, if she has some control on it.. what a difference it can make and it did. social change/challenge like I look for and appreciate was this one. the 2 childern per family rule.. changed society as well gave moms some time off for spending on themselves.. gave time to dads to spend time with children.. did our granddads ever shower love on their children? On grandchildren yes but on children.. not really. Another social change ! J It happens but its not moving anywhere close to the pace of technology.. it involuntary not researched or engineered..

But these ashrams.. they may bring about what I am looking for in a round about way, they do question norms even tho they are based on old ways, right? like they question ur rat race and definition of success..? what else? They also question some blind beliefs at times…

One thing I learnt recently is that it is easy for me to question the norms is perhaps cause I m really different.. I will infact fail miserable in social inventions :D hehehe because those inventions will only fit one person in this world ! me.!!! :D

A person who will succeed is one has the pulse of the people and also who can question the norms.. deepa+empathy..

I realized this when I was debating about the life style of gay people with my husband. He was very saddened – he said without a family without a permanent partner and kids life is very hard so he thinks the decision about getting married to girls and starting a family by a most gays is probably understandable. I on the other hand felt kids and family is not the only way to find satisfaction in life! There is lot more u can do and lot more ways in which u can be happy…see Abdul kalam blab la.. but in real life.. he is right! I am being academic. I probably can find satisfaction else where.. (according to the world even I cant but I beg to differ. So! :P to the world) after talking to people I realize I was wrong. gay people are really craving for family and a spouse and stability. My husband was right about it. My ideas are academic and idealistic.. The tradition and norm. Its there because it fits, it works. most people take that route because they know where it leads.. They care about lot of things which I don’t even think about.. that bubble around me… I don’t realize a lot of things..

I have realized only recently that my way is not the correct way I mean my way is not the only correct way.. it may be correct for me but for others.. haha advising sailaja to go explore life and get married late was plain silly J Karl marx was probably like me :D din know a thing about people and invented a society… I wish there are google guys of social world coming up soon.. who change the way we live… Or is it going to be global warming and natural disasters which is going to bring about the social change? Lets wait and watch!