mean every thank you u say!
Thank yourself and mean it too!

The best thing about Deeps is that she picks up on ideas from people, books, FB posts, web and just does it!
EFT, Acting classes, lumosity, Faery Oracles... Ayahuasca ;-).. Lovely Deeps! too cool :)
Its as if my subconscious is alert for tips and suggestions to cool things. ( I cant write "I m" I m not consciously alert, its as if there is a dear friend inside who is so cool ;-), beautiful mind eh? ;-) Its not "I" Its "my mind" or "Deeps" or something who is cool :D  The "I" feel of it is less. Not like auto writing where its completely "them" doing it, This has a bit of ownership but not complete , it "my" mind but not "me" but not "them" either! hehe! I know I lost u there.. but thats how it is! ) 
Me just seems to grab some ideas and does them, while the people who suggested the ideas are not doing it!  Its as if these people were only messengers for me and those ideas were meant for me and not for them at all. and some ideas resonate after ages, after a few years even! :) its all funny, strange, mystic and cool!
may be I m being messenger to other people and not knowing it :) ( actually did happen, I gave a book to this girl, who looked at the bibliography of that book and picked up some real cool books, I had never bothered to look at the bibliography of that book :) As if I was a link in her development or something )


 I love my subconscious or whatever is inside me.. its a sweet lil thing :) and so much fun too! :) 

were they all faeries then??

This was my ghost story - me and patty hung out on our college terrace in the evenings.. just talking, chatting...one day we went down into our class room on the top floor, We ended up staying too long, it got late into the evening. It was very empty and very quite and eerie. We hurriedly tried to go down to our library, one floor below but that gate was locked by then.  Even tho it was really scary, we had to go back up via the terrace...on the way back up, we heard laughter, like small children were playing and laughing. We were in a hurry and didnt pay attention to it..We kinda ran all the way up and then down the steps thru the hostel. real fast. It was kinda scary in the twilight. When down, we looked up at the classrooms, a chill ran thru us, we realised, there was no way that there were any children in those class rooms...they were all empty.. who laughed???

my mothers one - my mum and my aunt were little, they had to collect flowers in the wee hours of the morning for my grand ma for the pooja. They used to usually sneek into a near by school and collect flowers from that garden. It used to be very early in the morning and dark. There were no lights in the school, There was a huge tree in the school which used to scare the kids. One morning when they went to the school, they saw this tree lit up with colorer full lights all over, red yellow blue green!!

and my uncles - he used to cycle back from his college along a very lonely wooded route very late at night... this was 60s in Dharwar, one night he suddenly noticed something rolling in front of his cycle. it was a tiny  bell , it kept rolling for a good kilometer or two before wheering away into the bushes... he didnt have the daring to stop and check what it was.. all he could do was keep going and it kept going in front of him...

now I wonder.. were they all faeries then? :) we never heard fairy stories.. but brain fords book is full of exactly such things :o) 

what is success

and what is the basis for self worth?

I dont choose my friends

I dont choose my friends, I dont choose my friends, I dont choose my friends?

Such a big load of bullshit!
I wonder how we seem to believe things about ourselves which may not be true at all.
I hold people who choose whom they talk to and whom they dont consciously at contempt. Judgement at something is a sure sign of underlying rot. sure enough...

I dont like to go to MBA party, I dont like snooty people. I wont get along with them.
Oh! u have young 21 year old girl as a friend, she smokes and all. I wouldnt be able to make friends with her. Young kids. So forward! I just dont connect.
House wifes- dont connect! ah Fashion Designer? Ah in Advertising? Sales??!!!
Conservative? Orthodox! ?
this lady with so many kids?
Acts too cute? Too girlie? Girls in high heals? These men in their 40's?  ........
.
Really Deeps!?? u are not choosy??

Empathy

"replace judgement with empathy"  and have "trust and patience" while doing it :)
Empathy is the answer to "How to have strong values and not be judgmental."
First of all, strong values is not the best way to be, flexible is more like it. and then when we feel judgmental, we need to understand the other person, the difference in perspective, the motives. then there will be empathy and no judgement.
I think that understanding is for intellectual and cerebral people, In case of loving people, where there is love, there is naturally no judgement. I m repeating myself, but these lessons are learnt again and again and forgotten. We dont judge children( generally :D but I do. :-P ) . we dont judge our pets and animals. I couldnt dislike( cant even write hate here) the dog which killed my cats. See Love conquers all.

If u lock ur wife in the car boot for an hour, she wont be happy to see u when u let her out, but ur  dog on the other hand... ;-) who loves u and who doesn't?? ;-)

used books

I have gone a bit crazy about amazon used books,actually from everywhere - charity shops, oxfam everywhere :D  They are so cheap.  They are so charming :). old brown pages,sometimes old times new roman font :) and so many are hardbound! :D new found love of hardbound :)

Some of them come looking so new and shiny, no name written even, so awesome!! yupiee! Just got one now...  what if? what if this poor book was never read at all??  ....
...
makes me really sad :-(
it was published in 1974 and it wasnt read at all? :-(
The cover is a bit tarnished, after all it was read? what if it was tarnished in the book shop??
anyway Im gonna read it now :)
and... I am going to leave my mark on my books, they should show that wear and tear of the love theyve got. I m not gonna leave them like new.. :D and may be leave secret messages for someone who will read it next? :)

When a book shows wear,  I wonder what kind of person read it?  did they learn better than me :-? :)
looks like they completed the drawing book, pages are folded right up to the end..
was it a gift? :) from granma to grandson.. I feel so. but then granma herself read it.
 ....
anyway u are all mine now and I love you! :)

5th year of blogging!!!! I m kinda cool! :)

lumosity

I have signed up for this too, I think this may also  be part of freeing up mind thing that is going on.. but its not obvious.
Its addictive, like all games are. Its fun, and I already feel my brain bulging and its fitting tighter in my skull ( err that might just be the cold and the groggy head! :P ) anyway it promises to help me remember where my keys are and improve my attention to peripheral vision ( which is right now zero) no tip of the tongue words, they will flow right thru.. ok ok :) cool! for price of coffee and in the time to drink it. I m getting all this! cool!  Ill try it!
Ive always felt, video games are a waste of time, useless,
people who play video games are useless, snobby geeks.
but I have signed up for playing computer games everyday for 15 minutes.. by this, I am now grudging conceding that may be video games did help them develop their brains better! Grr.

Allright, its allright to change ur opinions, its a sign of openness and progress :P 

Elephant training

James,
I like this guys attitude
he has the presence at all times to say
- why are we doing it like this?
- why the f£$% are we doing it like this
- does this really have to be done this way!

Once that question is asked, he makes the change.
He is very effective.
I want to be like that.

I on the other hand is an elephant, trained elephant.
Elephant is tamed by making it believe that it doesnot have a route to escape, its spirit is broken.
so once it is tamed, it is tied with flimsy chains which it can easily break but it never does. It firmly believes that it cant escape, so why try?

I m like that, I find myself doing a lot of annoying things as if I dont have the power to change them. They are easy lil things that can be changed. but I m spirit broken elephant. May be little things at work, doing annoying things day after day because people at XXX are like that, they wont change. Instead of asking for change and making it happen.  keeping something in the wrong place in the kitchen and ending up bending everytime to pick it or keeping sugar in a jar with a tight lid and struggling with it daily or having books all over the house rather than buying another  book shelf.  and may be big ones I donno yet.

James says, be kind to your future self. I m always ashamed why I lived with that for so long :-$ :-$

"Swalpa adjust maadi, swalpa adjust maadi anta heli, life e adjustment agogide maraya" :D hehe Naanu astondu mosa illa but definitely 3 james questions need to be asked more often in life.

why not free?

Alex,
I like her attitude, she is very free. she is not modest about accepting food/drink or about farting :D  she does not think u are being formal when u ask her something, she takes it as a genuine request

I realise this about me at this point, when someone offers me something my first thought about it is,  They dont mean it, they are being formal, they are doing it for some bloody reason other than genuinely wanting to give me tea! :-$ shame on me! always doubting people's intentions.

be free - trust life - trust people - trust yourself.

smuggler

;-)
Why is being smug or self satisfied bad? I know it is very irritating to see a smug person, but why? If I m smug, should I change into being less smug,how? by being less satisfied with myself? Is being smug actually gloating? so smug is being self satisfied and showing it? ah! yeah I think its being self satisfied and then rubbing it in peoples faces! :) Thats why it is bad. smug is trying to make other person feel less good? Or may be  it is just the annoying side effect of satisfied people?

what is the difference between smug and arrogant?  They are kind of entirely different but in both cases we feel that person thinks he is better than us and we feel bad/irritated/angry.   If we have high enough self worth, will we fail to be annoyed by both and feel that the situation is funny? smug is kind of passive and harmless, arrogant needs confrontation/resistance as it may affect the other person...

What is  self righteousness? Is it smug?
does self righteousness always come with judgments?
How to have values and beliefs and still be non self righteous? wont u be a hypocrite then? :)
should we believe that I have right to my values and everyone has a right to their own? Do we draw a line at all.
Is it possible to be non judgmental? when u have strong values. Having strong values in itself is bad. makes us stuck in one point of time.
( this is a whole new blog topic)

self esteem and feelings of self worth invariably bring up questions about pride. I feel that is easy to answer. pride is external , many times present to cover feelings of inadequacy internally. If it is not, is pride really bad? Is humbleness overrated? being proud of being humble is the worst. :D but common easy trap. he he smug - proud of being humble is a very good example of smug :)
yeah I got the definition
Smug is hidden pride, Arrogance is out in the open pride.

( all this, after I was purposefully smug to irritate someone, then I thought may be I m smug lot more than I realise :-$  m I smug, is my current bug  )

freeing ..

Im doing a few things to free myself,
samba class, acting class and Betty Edwards exercises in drawing :)
and observing myself, thats the key.
but so much more to go ( trust and patience my dear says an old witch to me)
I must be doing right because all this is so much fun,
It it feels enjoyable and not a chore, thats want power and not will power ;-)

( this is not a poem, its just weird indentation :) 

Free Myself

Free free free!
How do I break free?
I have heard this many times "the only person who is limiting u is u.."

Everything seems to be converging on that.. Do we have to learn acting/drawing/singing??? no! we just have to allow ourselves to do it.
Its shocking! how we stop ourselves from being good and wonderful by limiting ourselves with too much conscious control ,our brain unfortunately is designed that way.

• Drawing on the right side of the brain.
• Inner game of tennis

These are two books which talk about this freeing ourselves but in a scientific way. In brain language.  off-course all the spiritual books talk about this all the time, its the same thing but sounds different. Thats what  I want to prove - that what spiritual books are talking bout and what these books say, is the same thing.

The books call this, letting the right brain do the job, while making the usually dominant left brain, shut up.
from wiki
Edwards's method of drawing and teaching was revolutionary when she published it in 1979. It received an immediate positive response, and is now widely accepted by artists, teachers, and others around the world. Underlying the method is the notion that the brain has two ways of perceiving and processing reality — one verbal and analytic, the other visual and perceptual. Edwards' method advocates suppressing the former in favor of the latter. It focuses on disregarding preconceived notions of what the drawn object should look like, and on individually "seeing" edges or lines, spaces, relationships, and lights and shadows, later combining them and seeing them as a whole, or gestalt.^[3]
  I think right/left brain is a bit of a simplistic divide( wiki says this too). I like the ego/sub-super-conscious divide. however u look at it, shutting out the critical/ controlling part of the brain is the key. Doesn't this sound exactly like meditation?

J Krishnamurthy just says let go of words, dont associate words with things, u will free yourself. Why? how? Its so hard to understand. Betty Edwards finally made me understand why that is. When u use words to denote something, the left brain makes a symbol out of it. If I try to draw an eye, I always draw the eye symbol that I made when I was 10. not the real eye I am seeing. When I just draw lines and shapes without identifying it as eye, I draw very accurate drawings.
Same with life situations, JK says u dont see the present u an approximation for that situation in the past and u react in the same way. It is not bad, but thats not exactly reality, is it? :) Its good to be conscious that we are doing that.



When I was trying to learn juggling, if I just saw the person doing it and copied it, I was able to do but as soon as I started thinking how, I lost it.
 ( I wonder how some people can think about how to do physical stuff and still do it well. my bro and husband are really good at analyzing what they are physically doing and still do it very well. They may be better communication between left/right brain, I think their left brain delegates to right when they play, just like mine delegates to right when I draw )

Art, sports, meditation, healing, astral sight obviously need this but surprisingly even math, coding, minesweeper  ( the so called left brain activities) also can be better when we let go, even writing...Its not left/right brain but its using some higher faculty in brain. getting into the zone more like.

The basic requirement of actually doing something and enjoying it seems to be to surrender. to trust ourselves to do it and let go.
To do our job and genuinely not care bout the result. Is it this they are talking about?  Must be, otherwise its just drudgery.

As of now, getting into zone happens involuntarily, those books tell me to notice the difference between not being in the zone and being in the zone and slowly u will be able to go in and out of the zone voluntarily. I did a meditation once, in which the lady was very insistent about noticing the state of consciousness, how trance is different from full awake state. So u can go into meditative state easily when u want.

I love how all this converges.

I know all this but why Am I not free? Left brain is so dominant! Switching on the "zone" is recursive, to get into the zone we shouldnt try but let go! and be in the Zone!!!  Argh!!!!!!

== from here on its for myself, I seem to need more convincing ==

I take a huge white paper and try to make random marks on it, Its so hard. I am so inhibited. Its hard to mess up a page. :) making bold strokes is hard, I always keep an eraser close. I make a small drawing in one corner. Most of the new comers in the drawing class drew small pictures  :) it takes practice to let go. once I let go, I see myself making bold strong marks in color, over writing on what is already there, not bothering to correct. things come out awesome. :) ( May be I wouldnt call it awesome at all in critical mode :) )

This BTW is not extrovert introvert thing, It  looks like it is a problem with external boldness but it isnt.  difference between being free and being bold is same as between acceptance of pain  and denial of pain. Being bold is ploughing thru inhibitions and being free is when these inhibitions are not there at all.  May be extroverts are more free... i dono.

 (its not just boldness, hesitation about making marks of paper may be about our parents telling us not to waste, govt telling us not to waste paper, conservation mentality, why to use new when I can use old for practice mentality, not being confident that I will make a good drawing, all sorts of things )

Acting class
I m so awkward and not good at acting, and self conscious and embarrassed and struggling and the rest of the class is like this too. Half way thru the class ,I realise I m pretending that the chair is a toilet seat and I m smuggling it thru immigration, I am whispering and voice modulating and winking and everything and having so much fun. We are all doing so well too.. We just shut down some part of us which said we cant do it, which asks what people will think and makes us feel selfconscious and one hell of a time we had :)

Cooking
Cook is hard, I m not a good cook, I used to believe that.  I m actually a wonderful wonderful cook. Thats my latest gift ( thank u G ;). because I allowed myself to be it. I allowed myself to be gifted, Thats it.  It is allright to make mistakes, Trust that I will do well. no measurements, no recipes. Have a picture of what taste we want at the end and  I just know what to put and what will taste good. ( most times.)   When I want to recreate the same and use my brain and start thinking, Its horrible :)  even simple food dont have that magic anymore.

sometimes we let other people tell us, we are not good . I feel only when we think ourselves that we cant do well, we are not good. only then we believe  when other people tell us we are not good, so it starts in us( mostly)


Bowling
every ball was gutter ball, after throwing 4 balls into gutter, I asked them to raise the side railings so the ball wont go into gutter at all. kids mode :-( yeah I was just horrible,
but once the railings were raised, I never once touched them!???! WT... Its like fear of being horrible makes me really horrible. the more I think I should do well, the worse I become, the more I think about just having fun, things go well.

fear

fear of making mistake is so strong and paralyzing in some of us ( me :P )
even when the cost of mistake is nil, i find myself doing so badly and being paralyzed by hesitation after making a mistake

word bubble game
u are supposed to make words with the given 2 start letters, I noticed I just stopped making words if I got a couple of words wrong because of spelling mistakes. as if I m stepping on mines :P
Come on deeps!
If I put on mute, then when the noise of making mistake is not there, I fare slightly better!

I think introverted, shy people are more prone to this.
also people who have sailed thru life rather easily without making many mistakes are prone to this.

want power is stronger than will power :)

fa fa

We are trying to learn to fly or to paint, we are in a small govt school in a small village. me and Vijay are there. We want to learn to paint better .We are waiting for a guru to come and ask him for advise. He comes and when we ask him , he tells us that we should try fishing. fishing??? he says
 fa-fa.
 fa fishing,fa flying.
 It works  like that. they are all related.
 u learn fishing and then u can learn flying ( wasnt it painting we wanted to learn? dono.. may be it was flying? mey be its all same :P )

This is either deeply philosophical(??) or just funny :)  or both. cool :)

ps: do I dream in english!!?? looks like!