Okay!I woke up stressed today, I could literally feel the stress hormones being poured into my blood steam. Its because of this girl, This moaning ghost, She does not just live in Hogwarts girls toilet, apparently she lives in my head as well! ( looks a little different, more like me :P
Moaning about the decisions I have taken for my Kitchen, How they are tacky, how they look so bad, even funny comments but ultimately mean. Its an issue which has very little consequence over my life, but it seems to be a really big deal to some part of me, To wake up in wee hours being bothered.
This is not the only example, There are many small things which worry this moaning myrtle.
It seems to be not just a kitchen but somehow part of my identity, Its a personal judgement. Getting it right or wrong somehow makes me a better or worse person.. something like that. I wonder why? Its not kitchen that it shit, its me! Not just mistake some
There are areas in my life where no mistake seem to reach this level of consequence. Driving for one( may be only one ;-) ha ha! ) I have made some very big mistakes! Huge! like turning into the wrong lane at a signal. Into oncoming traffic. I turned into a 4 lane no entry and had 4 cars come on to me, life threatening mistake. My heart beat faster, throat dried up! definitely ! but I calmly dealt with it, I said sorry to people who honked. I calmed put up my hand to stop them and turned and carried on. Do I think of myself as a bad driver? No! I am an excellent driver, as comfortable and as confident as ever right from the next moment. Later on also it didnt bother me at all, Did I spend sleepless nights thinking how Shit I am? NO!!! I just laughed at myself! Oh! My God! hehe!
How come?
I was not like this, I was very uncomfortable driver, I was so embarrassed about it, I took it very personally when anyone commented about my driving and If I made a mistake, Thats it! It felt so bad, I felt like crying. Even small things like someone honking at me was enough to derail my entire driving. I used to actually become shit driver after a mistake. Why?
This changed after I got my own car. But was it just own car?
The difference is moving from beginner to expert. Now in my mind I am expert. Its not "I think" or "I Know" but "I am" a good driver. So nothing shakes me, mistakes dont make me "bad driver", I just make a mistake. Previously even if I got a honk I used to become a "bad driver"
How to make this change in life!? How to become like this in life.. for everything! Decisions and actions (Mistakes or not) shouldn't make me incompetent, ineffective or a bad cook or bad painter or bad wife, bad daughter, bad person or shit person, shouldn't make me somehow less...
How to make this transition? How to be expert at living ? :D
No comments:
Post a Comment