safe life

I feel like I havent really seen life at all, I feel like I was in school before, now I feel like I am a graduate or a post graduate student, I know more, but I hardly am in it. I feel like I am leading this safe life and watching from the galleries and how ever much I grow up, it is going to be like this for me and for many of the people from my class, middle class Indians... we are not really into the ups and downs of life... most of the kannadiga middle class especially. We are making safe choices and leading a very safe life, our parents have given us a good education and enviromnet at home we study well and get a safe job and then we have a safe marriage and then we follow the same routine for our children, one or two misadventures do happen away from the normal path but not enough to screw up or change our life. We sometimes go and paddle our feet in life at times...- ok thats me, ( this doesnot apply to most of my class, they wont even do that much) but then retract and go back from life into our ... cages? or safely??
Why am I feeling this? I am reading this novel and I am so not relating to what is happening there... how many people get into real trouble by getting pregnant. its sucha bigggg bigg issue for people. even in revolutionary road.. its like some huge rock is put on your head at times.. and at other times people are estatic! Cant relate! Couldnt relate!

If I look back on my life... I dont feel like this... things have come and gone. When I am in the thick of things I do feel like I am involved, but at the end of it, I am kind of a detached soul amnt I? Why dont I swim in the river of life? why am I not in it ... I am not wet :D I mean I am not involved in life! I love my life now.. I love reading, I love finding out these things,, after the vacation I feel I have learnt how to live... I have found loads of things I really really love, I love my pets... but its all nice but when I see it -I mean when I see others lives I feel ( Its not about Drama!! boy !!! there is drama in my life or what!! ) I feel I am living a very protected life... who is protecting it? me? from very young age.. the people we meet.. all except one( not mentioning here :-) ) have been really nice people... why? how? are we too choosy in meeting people and going out and living...I not complaining about my life... there is this ... feeling its not really fear ... that I am living in a protected environment and not in the wild... you know.. like I am probably a zoo animal living in the comfort of a real nice zoo probably made by me... and there is wild out there which I dono of... AND I am definitely not complaining... I DONT WANT TO GO INTO THE WILD. I just want to look at the wild... read about the wild.. like I am reading now....I wonder if there is a wild and if I am in a zooo and who made the zoo. .. Actually I just hope I will be in the zoo till the end of life I am scared I dono anything about the wild I dont want to go there.. I am not sure it exists even... may be this is the wild but I know how to live in it? this is the wild that I have created and it is good? ?? :) I donoo..
Actually u know what I want to do, I totally dont want that wild to exist I want to live in the zooo and persue my hobbies.. and carry on with my life... I am just scared... its the same feeling that I wrote about in the other blog about to be or not to be.... same thing..
feeling of naivity ....I am stil naive and I am always going to be???? should I really bother to go and find out about not naive?

3/20/09 - 9:49AM

embarrassing moments part 2

When u are waiting for someone and have nothing else to do, twiddle ur thumbs, Dont roam around and push open door! cause they may be emergency exits and they will start singing like the fat lady from the Opera! :P :-$

news paper se..

Prince group - a group of laborers from Orissa, two of them have polio won a talent show India's got talent. They are just too too good, they are just wonderful. It is so unbelievable and touching :,-( You have to see it to believe it, I never even realized two of them couldn't walk untill I saw the video again on youtube. Some daily wagers from a small town have so much talent!! and they are struggling for their daily bread and still found time to dance ! wow! . God bless them!

BJP is in Chaos, They are clueless. They are lost and they have gone to dogs!! I am really saddened at the state of things. BJP was the middle class hindu party. They were our hope. Yeah they were too right wing and anti Muslim, I am leaning left. but I thought they would evolve into a progressive party. I loved their patriotism,Aggression. Good relation with Israel, Roads.. Nuclear test... I want that BJP back! the Vajpayee wali BJP :-(

Sach ka samana, Reality show where everyone is telling the truth. Dirty linen. Lot of debate on it, is it ethical, What kind of cheapness is this, This is Vulgar etc..

I think it is quite cool, All of us holier than tho ppl.. we need to know what the world is like... it is a reflection on ourselves actually. if we look a lil deeper inside us, we will find the same old much that is comin out in sach ka samana. If we only dare speak truth to ourselves.. Boss time to have a relook at this bloody hipocratical soceity and admit to ourselves.. yeah we are like this only, we are not gods we are human and we are .. exactly like the people on sach ka samana.. time to pull out all those dirty stinking veils under which we hide the baser feelings. you can get over them only once you admit them. no?

I would like one experiment, Ask the same questions anonymously to 1000's of ppl with lie detector offcourse and publish the results... they will show the true face of humanity. and I dont judge that face.. It only shows the rules and the morals and the so called standards we have .. they are all fake . that s all it shows, It doesnot show anything bad about ppl/human as such... we just programed ourselves to value wrong thigns.. western ppl Money and materials and easters false values and morals.

Raw nerve

I get upset at times, I get upset on comparision. from childhood. I used to get really wild when my aunts and uncles used to compare me with my cousins. why dont u grow ur hair long!! aah, how I hated it. What is their bloody problem. what for them. why dont they just mind their business and I will do what I want to do. dress as I please.

Wear a saree!!! X@W#$@$@!! Christ! or do some make up or wear jewellery. Especilay annoyed when my mom compares me to my sis in law. Why dont u dress up a lil. see ur sis in law, she is always wearing bright clothes. not annoyed when my mom-inlaw talks about my other sis in law;s buying 10k worht saree etc. because there is no comparision there I guess.

I'd built myself into a rebel, if I conform I used to feel miserable with myself. :-)

Why is it such a sensitive issue with me? why does "why dont u be like X" create such a strong emotional response in me. it brings out the "I am me. I am like this only" complex out very strongly. I dono why I am so stuck up with " I am like this only, I come with + and - . u need to take me just as I am. if u dont like it , then u can take a hike" complex. I am really really stuck up on this. Is this what u can call Individuality or identity .

I used to be really stuck up and proud of it, but now I am begining to think, there is chink in the armour. or rather I think I have an unnecessary armour.

Why this raw nerve. why do I so strongly say I dont care... It only means I actually do care, no? a lot actually. Most of the time things that affect you most are the ones you think are wrong with you. If someone called me blind- say because I wear specs, It does not affect me. If I felt bad about wearing specs then I would have minded. Same with being fat, I dont really think i am fat and these comments are clearly jokes. If someone made fun of my job for example... I think i would mind ...

The things mentioned above short hair etc.. I definitely dont think are wrong with me! but something must be there. if I take the logic further if I thought I was better than others, all these small things wouldnt affect me. may be in my mind I dont really feel so great about myself? and feel others are better? May be I dont feel i have the right to be as I want to be. specially I think I seek approval especially from people who are close to me, and I hate to admit it and act according to it. So anything that points to this, khatak ta hai??? May be..

Sight

Today I noticed that If I focus on somethin outside the window and shake my head ( if you are wondering why I did something like this, I was looking out of the window and walking on the treadmill) the view outside seems to shakes with my head , the window grill remains still. Even if I foucs on the window grill or on anything this side of the grill, it doesnot seem to shake with my movement. but the view outside still does!!!

tried it one step further, what I see inside the mirror shakes!!!

is it the glass that is making it shake? refraction or whatever!?!!?!?! I dono the science behind this one. Anyone help?

Is this same as the view when u go by train, the trees and the fields run paast u in oppostie direction but the moon and sun, they travel with u in the same direction?? In this case there is some logic, the speed with which the view moves in the opposite direction is proportional to its closeness to the train. closest stuff moves away fastet, fields and hills seem to ravel with you for some time and then slowly fall behind and the moon..u know it.

During meditation and energy rising exercises I found lot of Qi or prana collect near my stomach. I was scared and discontinue the practice.Thanks to the communities on the internet, it was suggested that I try this to distribute the Qi more evenly. It is supposed to be a good thing to be able to feel the Qi.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qigong

I want to try this. It is surprising that it become such a phenomenon in china and china govt actually banned it!!

Time

Theory of relativity "The faster u move, slower the time moves" seems very attractive concept at first glance. How many times have I wished for time to slow down. But when I think about it further... For example, I board enterprise the Star Trek space ship Brian Green likes so much, I take a nap for 8 hours. I come back and earth has moved on some million years!!!! :-S Thats not what I want do I?

I want the exact opposite!!!! I board my machine, I sleep for 8 hours. Make that 18. I come back and not even 10 minutes have passed here on earth. THAT! That is what I want. Would be lovely wouldn't it??

Or would it? In this scenario- I age faster than everyone else!!!!!! Damn! If I take a break of 2 years and I come back Ill be sporting wrinkles while my frineds and everyone else will have fresh tomato cheeks! Hmm!! would I trade wrinkles for 8 hour extra sleep? hmmm....Damn!

That apart, How exactly do I make this happen? How can I speed up time for me alone???

There is one place tho, where time moves faster for me - Dreams! If I take a 10 minute nap and dream that I slept for 8 hours :-D and remember that dream. That would be the solution to my problem?

ps: No, I am not sleep deprived. I just hate that the 2 day weekend has slipped away like mercury and I am stuck with Monday morning. feeling like I have loads of backlog :(

food

How much food do u actually need to survive? Sometimes I wonder if anything at all we believe in is true. I learnt that I need like quarter of the food I eat normally,not just survive but to be much much healthy and energetic. JNI Diet was 6 glasses of juices , 4 bowls of soup and after this u need very little else - 2 chapatis for the afternoon and papaya and watermelon at night. First 2 days u fall sick get a headache feel cravings and then u get used to it. and feel much more active than before.

I tried ramzan last year, no water and food from dawn to dusk. It was not as hard as it seems. It was not the hunger that was most difficult to deal with, but the habit. the routine. Coffee time, Lunch time, I was so restless, confused about what to do.

I realise food means so much more to me, much more than fillign stomach and satisfying hunger. its not just about taste buds either . It provides comfort, feeling of safely? especially our staple food. we are so much emotionally in touch with food, many of emotional needs are met with food. Curd rice makes you feel at home? feeling lonely - how about a big bar of dark chocolate. and bhajji with rain? u want to be hungry for that?. Curd rice or moolangi dal is not the tastiest stuff I ve eaten. but if I go for 15 days without south indian food start feeling cranky. childhood food does it connect u with ur mum?!? thats why no chapati but rice for me?

They say there is a built in mechanism in our body which prompts us to stock up on fat and carbs, especially true for Indians as our ancestors went through lot of drought and rough weather. my ancestors seem to have been particularly badly hit :P

All this I think this is true only for foodies tho, skinny ppl are skinny cause they are not emotionally connected to the food eh?

Mystic babe 's back...

Reading about String theory and stuff. Cant help but double check the cover of the book, Is it science or philosophy! it is exactly like reading one of those mystic books. hidden dimensions, vibrations, dense particles and mass less particles ( subtle particles in mysticism) . Ours is but just another universe among millions. Cyclic notion of creation and destruction. time is an illusion.! past present future exists now.. notion of Bramha's year being equal to trillions of earth years.

Come on! If u cant see the similarities then u are being a Dogmatic scientist. Dog-sci is one who gives vague pseudo scientistific may be explanations to things which science cant exlpain today. for eg Prana: I can feel it, you can feel it. But if you are Dog sci u will say it may be static charge, say it may be pyscological. you jsut deny anything to accept or see anything beyong the narrow domain of today's science. This can happen to anyone, Einstein didnt accept Quantum Theory! Till his death.... hmm may be we humans are conditioned this way. Openess doesnot come easy for most. I am in this category most of the time too, I am all too ready to paint everything with a broad brush of superstition. If not for the pranic healing experience I was one of the worst dog sci's in the world I think.

Coming back to string theory - I think, Mysticism is the theory of the universe told by ancient people which has gotten lost in myth and lore now.

I am waiting for day when scientst will discover the prana particle which is more subtle than the gravity particle and the consciousness particle which can control the prana particle. I will go ahead even with my limited knowledge and say these particles are closed string particles as they can travel across dimension! just like gravitrons.?.

We dont need machines to feel these particles, Our body and brain are the machines to control these particles. only tuning is required :)?!

I have this book Tao of physics, written by a scientist who was into Buddhism. Seems like an interesting read. If only I can get a bigger break from the Samsara :-D Ill finish that one..

That sachin no...

It's what we call "that Sachin no" syndrome. when I trip my shoe is stupid, when I go late to the bill counter, the counter ladies are the idiots... too slow.

We were at Chandan's place one weekend. Joy boy comes home all flustered, one look at him. He starts shouting, "its Sachins fault, he only told me. I didnt do anything"

"ok what did u do"

"I didnt do anything, that Sachin no! he only did everything.. "

After a few exchanges of WHAT DID U DO!!!!, and SACHIN'S FAULT. SACHIN ONLY TOLD ME TO DO. SACHIN IS BAD GUY. I was really curious to know what he did do this time around :-)

Shubha was so worried by this time, She ran down only to find the security fellow at the door complaining about broken tube-light and naughty boys throwing stones at all the tube lights in the society and joy was already in his guilty corner by now :-D :-D

Some lesson in life that was, Now... No matter what happens , we know whom to blame... that ubiquitous Sachin :)