Heart breaks dont just happen when you break up, it can happen even when u lose a close friend as well.( not only to death!? can just lose friends ! :P ) Or move away from bro/sis/close parents or even a pet? May be when u leave a beloved place too?
Never recognised this, but the symptoms are the same and it takes about the same time to get over too!

Does this apply to everyone or is this just me?

breath is not enough

"use your breath to relax, use breath to go into meditation, use deep breaths to connect to present moment"
Its ok when things are normal, but edge case - there are times when u cant take a deep breath and Its precisely at this moment that u want to relax. You can only laugh at such moments.
When breath is laboured, need to  still find a way to relax. need to break the link between relaxing and breath. need to break the link between mental and physical relaxation. heart is beating hard, cant take deep breaths,head is hurting and u probably cant do anything about all this, still need to find a way to get to that peace which is always in us.
Attention is the only way.

paedophilia

Reading more about bonobos... They are fascinating. They believe in "make love not war" right? and that makes their society well oiled and smooth right? That and them being female dominated offcourse. In contrast humans view sex as something wrong.Sex is controlled as much as possible in all societies. There are all sorts of taboos on all sorts of sex.
Hmmm okay,  Bonobos engage in  paedophilia. They engage in sex even between adult and juvenile regularly, for all combinations and age n gender. This goes to show how anthropomorphising animals and making them good apes and bad apes can back fire eh?
I ve always felt paedophilia is the worst crime ever. The worstest ever ever, most disgusting ,horrid etc. It kinda screws up the child for life. It is psychologically very damaging.

Then why doesn't this damage Bonobo babies? You may ask how do I know that it doesn't damage them? But if it did - wouldn't each and every bonobo be damaged then? So safe assumption. (Well is it same as dogs don't get damaged by rape but humans do. BTW according to scientists dogs don't rape. again its mostly primates and some duck, goose and bottlenose dolphins that rape. most species dont).
Actually
1) Even closely related species are very very different cognitively. Each of the primates have very different social structure and sexual behaviour in nature. So what is bad for one may not be for another. you know good and bad is man made and not exactly universal.
2) We dont know nothing about animal psychology, we can never know what they feel, if they are sad/depressed/damaged, if they need prozac or a shrink.  ( unless we do MRI scans?)

Anyway I am wondering, controversially, may be the problem is human attitude towards sex -  poisoned by religion and society. Is paedophilia damage an artificial/societal reaction? are we teaching our youngsters to feel guilty violated , to feel self hatred and loathing?   Is it a cultural thing? We give artificial importance to innocence and purity, is this the root of the problem?
Animals do not hide sex from juveniles.

I hate our ads/TV shows becoming over sexed and in your face, I am always worried what effect this has on children and adults. but ... that may be some other kind of perversion and not the same as sex being open in a culture...

Bonobos use sex more like we use a hug or a cuddle. It is used to form deep bonds and is very different from the casual sex that is on the increase in the world today. It is the opposite of one night stands. It is the opposite of objectification of sex. Casual sex is used for anything but to form close bonds. I really cant understand todays movies and serials - how it is so ok to jump into bed with someone/anyone but saying I love you can be such a deal breaker!!
I think Bonobo sex is meaningful sex, even tho it happens very often and it happens between one and all. I think when ever they have sex they are saying I love you :D That may be their secret. That may be the difference between hippies of the 60s and the Bonobos?  ( Only speculating... I am kinda anthropomorphising and its always a trap).

And this video, it is strangely heart warming. Shouldn't it be gross and ewww? ( seeing all these school kids smooching IS ewww) but its not. Its touching. wonder why?

http://www.boredpanda.com/first-kiss-strangers-kissing-tatiana-pilieva/

Get rid of the men :D

( again its not the feminist speaking, promise)
This baboon gang had a very fortunate tragedy happen to them, They were foraging in a garbage dump of a hotel. As it happens with hierarchical societies, only the alpha males ( aka the jerks and the ass hole males) got to eat at the dump, they chased away all the females and the docile males. Unfortunately(?) The meat there was infected with TB, So this killed off half the males in that troupe. It killed off all the jerks basically. And what happened after that was magical. The group transformed into a peaceful egalitarian group, and remains so even after 20 years. Surprisingly, the new culture of the group was adopted by all the new males that came into the group.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Q-bB-qywJ0

So What do we do for world peace?  I would love a TB like that affecting the humans.
(To be fair, there are lot of bully jerk asshole women too. I guess they too need to go :)

Rant: Isnt in unfortunate that what we strive for, what we treat as ultimate success , What humanity wants their precious children to be, is to be a Type A(Alpha) asshole. Thats our ideal. We deserve to be doomed and die and turn into radioactive ash.

contraception

Good to hear confirmation of my ideas by Yale professors.
One of the greatest inventions of latest times? Contraception. The single important invention, the game changer when it comes to rights of women. The transformation is still going on, but having 1 or 2 children or even 4 instead of 10-18 makes a huge difference to the life expectancy health and therefore to the financial independence of women.
The question which was asked was - We are closer in behaviour to Chimps than Bonobos, which totally sucks. Bonobos are almost like an utopian society, with very low violence and high morality and loads of fun. They asked what will it take for humans to switch from Chimp like life to Bonobo like life. Professor said - Female dominated society and the first step towards that is contraception.

Like I have said before ( not as a feminist, mind!) The foundation of a male dominated society is insecurity of paternity. Hence all the evil in this world. Hence the importance of monogamy of the female, Hence all the honour and crap,Hence the hatred of femininity in men, Of Homosexuality, all the false bravado etc.
If the society does this critical turn and becomes female dominant, the first thing to go will be marriage. Bonobo society - free love rules. Not just between males and females, between females and  between males, Age/sex/probably relation-ship no bar and they also engage in all sorts of clearly not gonna make a baby type sex ( Oh yeah - being gay is not unnatural? and then again it wouldn't matter either ways ) and this surprisingly  makes the Bonono society much stronger and strongly bonded, less violent than chimps and not completely deranged and sex crazed like our completely sexually controlled,guilt ridden human society (Delhi rapists anyone?)

This is strangely in line with the new age/spiritual wisdom ( not the sex part, the female dominance part) that humans should turn to their Yin or feminine side, and start acknowledging the importance of women for our earth to survive. They predict that if everything goes right, Utopia is coming - the next step in our evolution - A female dominated society. Actually if it is female important society  There will be no dominance because there is no insecurity and it fits with the natural hierarchy. This transformation apparently started in 2012 :) good luck to us. 

taste dream

I just cant seem to get over it, . It was vile! It was just a very vile and horrible dream. There was nothing else to the dream, no audio, no visual, just taste, just a flash of vile vile taste. God! worst nightmare ever. people are talking about whether dreams or color or black and white. What nonsense! Dreams are exactly like real life, all colors! and sensations. more colours and more sensations than real life for sure. flying... and such taste I m sure Ive never tasted such vile stuff ever in my life! I had to eat an orange to convince myself that reality was still ok. There are still good tastes in this world. Thank god.
Being sick is really bad, dreams wise. More like fainting than sleeping and sick sick dreams. like I m going crazy, like the fabric of reality was wavering. Was it really bad dream? It was like u meditated so much, you want enlightenment, I will show you. God It was so scary. If you are not ready, knowing the secrets of this world, what is behind the virtual reality machine can make us go mad? atleast it felt like that.
I dream touch and feel sensations, temperature, I dont remember any smell dreams.

morality and disgust

This is from Moralities course on coursera.
We always mistake disgusting for morally wrong :D haha it was so hard for me to say it is not wrong as I was disgusted with it.
One man gets a chicken ( not live, meat) from super market has sex with it and then cooks it and eats it. Is it wrong? ewww ! its disgusting. But is it wrong! no... :D
same with the incest case.
like I said in another case - logically I may treat it as ok, but I am still disgusted. not so much with consensual incest, That horrid novel where a guy committed suicide cause his wife turned out to be his half sister..and I was outraged by the suicide. ( somehow its like women committing suicide after rape in hindi movies. it infuriated me even when I was little ( like 10/12) its surprising how much gets thru to young minds. may be my morality holds suicide as very wrong.  Like he said Most conservative people give lot of importance to honour and purity over harm . I actually got disgusted with honour and purity even as a lil kid, hold those values as very low compared to harm. so me an kinda natural liberal.

Also he talked about disgust scale. Some people are naturally more prone to disgust than others. so this sometimes determines ur attitude to homosexuality,inter-racial marriage  and whether u are in general conservative or liberal! ah! may be when I take so much pride in being liberal. it may be just because I am not that disgust sensitive. I was fundamentalist about a lot of things, I think that came from ideology and not disgust. So may be I m more libreral than many people because my nose isnt that sensitive. I think if u have a very sensitive nose u get disgusted very easily :-P that was a joke, but seriously may be I dont feel that strongly about incest at all like some other people would feel which may be directly related to me feeling relatively less disgusted with blood and pus and dirty toilets or a dead body.

Also he said most people answered all those questions as wrong because they were disgusting except for some very liberal students from elitist universities. do I see myself as elitist and so I say its all not wrong?

I noticed that disgust lingers. like he said in the example that people very less tolerant after being disgusted by fart smell. I felt that my disgust lingered after seeing one disgusting picture and I almost rated the next pictures as more gross that I would feel generally.

Wonder why cockroaches positively disgust me to death :D 

Momo

How come I have not written anything about Momo yet!
It was like reading a book at the most appropriate time for it. Its a children's book, but so profound, so beautiful, so poetic and magical! so lovely, so sensitive! God! It warmed my heart! and melted it! not to mention I cried. ( yes anything in my favourite list these days = I cried! I dono what it says about me)
Studio Ghilbli! yes! Its the same sensitivity about this world. Ende is just loveable. Oh its so sad that his books are all in German. not reprinted in English and now being sold for 100s of $$..
I connected so much with this book, this book put into words exactly what I was feeling but not able to express about life/world today. His ideas about toys, his ideas about children playing, his ideas about time saving bank and how everyone is saving time! and then goes crazy. Oh god! he stole words right out of my head or what? Exactly what I was feeling....I really resonated with this book and with Momo. Momo and her friend Beepo road sweeper, I just loved them. I loved the city in which she was and  I loved the turtle and Dr Horus or Dr Death. I loved the lillies! I m sure he - Ende had seen and felt those beautiful hour lillies in this own heart or he couldnt have writen about them. He is a lovely soul! yeah he is ! :) 

engage with life?

Are we moving away from living?  Its the cost of development and efficiency. I spend 8 hours in my day trying to fix minor bugs in peoples TV software and I hardly do any of the work that directly affects me -myself. except for cooking and shopping.
Reading early 1900s book - Anne of the green gables. They lived a little more "life" than us. They made their own cakes, decorated their houses,stitched  their clothes , grew their own good, cooked their food and enjoyed it all. Or may be its just an idealistic novel setting which just drew me in. Still...
Am I recommending being a "house wife" :-D huh! Anne is not a house wife - 16 year old  school maam and then a writer. Her adoptive parents are an old maid and a bachelor.  bro sister. :-P so no "wife" in picture! Huh! :-)
Question is - Why am I  doing something and all?  Having delegated most of the work in my life, have I started feeling more disengaged with living? should I start doing more things my-self? It is very efficient for an industry to do everything for me, but still.... it makes my life less meaningful, less engaging and less interesting.  in some way? may be? no?

Dehumanized

After reading Jonathan Haidt blog about how people reason about things which they are passionate about, I went over the discussion about morality of eating meat again. This time I went over with an open mind, trying to keep out my anger about narrow minded caste-ists out of my head.

I bought into some of the arguments. I think the way meat industry operates today is wrong. It is immoral. It is de-humanized. ( mostly de-humanized .There are farms which proclaim to be ethical in their treatment of animals, let us find out more about them)
Killing animals is not wrong - for an Eskimo, for Pigmy in Kalahari dessert. May be keeping your own chicken and killing them is not wrong. Free range farmed eggs is not wrong. but  for most part the factories which abuse the birth cycle of cows/sheep/chicken, feeding them hormones to grow them fat, keeping them in tin size coups. all wrong. Industrialised meat is wrong. Industrialised milk is also wrong :( Halal is more wrong than normal meat.

Meat farming is not the only place humans have gone de-humanised, Grain farming, huge forests are razed to grow coffee/tea/corn/rubber/tobacco. GM crops and trying to make people dependent on seed is pure evil. Banking, Oil, Real estate, Pharmacy - every industry which is looking at money and profit and not at the people angle of things.- De-humanized....
... and its not just them... its me too.... I m using so many things in my life, I take it for granted, how is it actually made? I m so disconnected from all that. I m quite happy enjoying the luxury of my life. Shouldnt I be connected? Shouldn't I know how it happens? shouldn't we all be interested and find out?  maybe It is time to take more seriously the question of who is making my clothes, my shoes, my watches, my TV, my petrol, my soup, my cheese... how is it happening? Its not all magic, Lets look behind the curtains. who is making them? at what cost? at what value?  We should all care, only then things will start getting human again - may be. I think its time we became more human, we have gone too far into being machines :(

http://www-rohan.sdsu.edu/faculty/dunnweb/rprnts.omelas.pdf

When I first read it,  I didnt understand it. Blank.  I read a few reviews of the story and only then I understood what she is alluding to. Who is the little girl in our omelas?  May be we should have the courage to look at the little girl and then ...walk away?