fears(for myself)

J Krishnamurthy is very good. I didnt feel like that at the beginning of the book, but half way through I am liking him a lot, he says why do u want "to become", just "be" and understand what u are. Observe yourself and understand what is happening without judgement and without trying to change urself. I really liked that

Our minds are full of conditioning and patters from parents, religion, society, TV, friends everything. If you want to see reality then u have to know these patterns and break away from them. ( this theme is repeated everywhere in OBEs, Pranic healing, Vivekananda... )

Another thing I liked about JK is he compares all these revolutions like communism, revolt against corruption for example, attempt to change society, jihad.. all as revolt with in the prison. you are revolting with in the confines of what u already know.. u are asking the warden for better food and bedding but u are not thinking of going out of the prison. This is true of feminist ideas and our rebelling against traditions as well unless you fully understand why u are taking a particular stand.  The real revolt is somewhere father away or rather closer - its in our head.

Observations:

-fear that someone is coming from the opposite side in the hallway and I have to talk them. want to take detour just to avoid talking. What am I afraid of? just a hi will do? I dont like the silence? no! Small talk is boring and it drains me. but when I dont talk I feel like a morose person.

-confusion - should I smile at this person or not...well it may be UK but I dont wish everyone on the street so thats the decision made. not smiling at strangers its not my style.
-fear of giving people ideas! ( seriously!) guy with very 2 cute dogs in park. usually I would pet the dogs but guy is also cute, so I wont!! I ll just avoid. I wonder if the person who has ideas is me or the guy! :D  anyway I run faster, but out of breath have to sit down on a bench! it will look like I am sitting on the bench just so that i can talk to the guy!!! anyway I put an end to all sillyness I call the doggy, pet it and tell that guy very cute dogs! what are their names how old ! so sweet! ok bye! that was easy and not even draining small talk. and no body got any ideas.! sheesh! sometimes our minds are shit!
another fear - dont talk to some people on tube because I will have to talk even next day and I wont have anything to talk and then it will become draining.
fear of spoiling while using new things for experiments like with t shirts or paper.
Saving - biryani why to put good ghee, let me put half good ghee and half store bought one. add little bit more water to chutney then I can eat it two days. let me put half ground nut and half coconut!! god! just go and buy another coconut! ok atleast good ghee is understandable because mom made it. I dont have the need to skimp but sometimes I do.
fear that I am wasting.. want to take even the last drop out of mixie because mom used to. I am too lazy to get to the last bit but wasting... is bad. These days i let it go, no time no patience low priority.
fear of spoiling books - by making dog ears, underlining, writing with pen!! Gasp!! yeah This is not at all my ideas of how books should be handled, it is borrowed from here and there.. I like my book well worn with my stamp on them. so now if I want to book mark a page I fold it. I underline with pen and make notes in the margins! I will fold the book in half too.. sorry if u dont like it.
fear of being watched and laughed at when i get too engrossed in meditation. ends up in opening one eye at times.
fear of being shouted at when trying to move furniture at home or buying new furniture etc again this fear is superseeded by much stronger defiance  so things do get done.
fear of failure when trying new recipe... or when adding new ingredient, but this fear is too small compared to the spirit of experimentation so new ingredients and new ways always win and get tried :D
fear of things slipping out of my head after reading interesting things... this I mentioned before also...