see it to believe it or believe it to see it?

They say you have to see it to believe it but its the opposite you have to believe it to see it! :-)  

-Trolls on Netflix

I had been thinking of the exact same thing today. 

What u see - is what you have been trained to see. Like AI. AI will see only what it has been trained on. The AI trained to see faces will be completely blind to mountains, rivers, the sun, moon, stars, and definitely blind to sounds, touch , smell ;-) Obviously Duh!

We are also like that! we receive infinite input, What we see is actually bunch of pixels, and it can be interpreted in millions of ways. Our brain takes this pixel set and then picks out some objects and ignores the rest. What we are going to pick and see depends on how our particular vision has been trained since our birth. You see how you find 2 people resemble each other and some one else probably just does not? Or the blue and black dress and gold and white dress? 

Not just seeing our brain is making sense of what we see, what we hear, what we sense . Its all put together and a meaning is created out of this. Its much more complex than AI vision . right?

So if there is something completely new or completely different from what we have been experiencing all our life? what happens? Our brain probably decides that this is a glitch and ignores it or gives a spin to it. We are all interpreting our experience based on our world view. everything our senses feel are adjusted and fit into this model. The rest are just excluded. So if you dont believe in something - the chance of us seeing it is very very low.

Ill give an example. 

My friend is a bird watcher. She sees so many birds everywhere, I see and all I see is leaves. I stare and I concentrate but I can see nothing but if my friend tells me - There is a bird there - when I believe it. It does not take long for me to see it. Her vision is trained to look for and spot birds. 

Where as my brain is trained to spot full moon. I m not even looking out for it and out of the blue my vision software spots it and says - Hey see there- beautiful moon, sometime even in the day a sliver of moon, I get the notification.

In such a scenario - what are the chances of a skeptic seeing something and the chances of believer seeing something?

Skeptics say believers are hallucinating, they are making up things, they are seeing things which arent. What they dont realise is the brain is equally capable of filtering out things , of not seeing things which are there. How do they know that is not happening to them?

If there are fairies, spirits, devas, ghosts - Do u think there is any chance of someone who firmly believes that they dont exist see them?

Havent you missed seeing your keys on the table right in front of you - because you believed I didnt keep the keys here?!? Then what are the chances of seeing or experiencing a fairy? 

your brain will rationalise it away -It was the wind, it was a bird , it was just light... no?

How many times have unexplained things happened in your life and you explain it away - It must have happened like that - but it may not have - no? it may be something entirely new no?

You have to believe it to see it and feel it. 

May my mind open up to the mysterious of the universe

May my heart open to the oneness of the universe 

May I do good

May I be receptive 

May I be wise

May I be Free

May I connect

May our tribe increase

We the seekers are the only hope for this world after all

Pine tree or Oak tree

Sometimes I m a genius! :D

This society values growth. Quantity of growth not the quality of growth. Not the sustainability of that growth.

Pine trees grow 3 times faster than an Oak tree. Oak wood is strong, lasts 100s of years, Pine wood is soft and feeble. What do we want to be?

Do we want to be Oak or Pine. Should we grow with speed or with substance, strength and sustenance?

Let us not allow the society dictate our growth. What the society sees is only the outside,  What is valued and what is encouraged is very very superficial.

Let us build substance, let us build strong deep roots, strong branches, let us take our time.

Let us be Oak trees! 

divine messengers in Buddhism.

This is why I love Buddhism. 

What are the divine messengers?

Old age

Sickness

Death

:-) 

These are the three things which lead Gautama Buddha to enlightenment. These are inevitable, These are showing us the reality of life. 

How different this is from our modern life? Where we are trying to erase every sign of old age and sickness and Death is a taboo? Our anti wrinkle cremes and botox to keep away signs of old age so we can pretend it does not exist, Xanax, anti depressants, alcohol to pretend Dukha does not exist. And Death - we are so uncomfortable about acknowledging death. One day we will die, it can be any moment. I see people in the west finding it really hard to accept death of loved ones, because it is somehow made out to be a personal tragedy. Like it happens to only you. All suffering is hidden from us - Thanks social media ! If we realised everybody is in the same boat, we would find it easier to accept tragedy. 

Other religions promise us that God will take away all our suffering, Buddhism - Suffering is the nature of your existence :-) Hardcore and real. 

My mother said this about her sister who suffered from cancer. She said her sister found strength and calmness of mind to face her severe pain, She accepted her pain, her death. My mom said I think cancer and dire situations give you that strength to face it, She was not devastated, She accepted whatever came her way gracefully,  - like Stitha-Pragna. Mom said under all that sickness and suffering my aunt was actually ok, more ok than us living normal lives. My mom is perceptive like that at times. 

Makes me think, Is that also a gift from God? Suffering? an opportunity to transcend the petty mind and its small problems? 

And now this lecture - Divine messengers! 

Remember this

Finding truth lies in experimenting with unproductive paths, explore dead ends, make space for doubts and boredom, and allow little seeds of insight to slowly grow and blossom.

spider web 2.0

The spider web in which we are caught is not just opinion of others ( or the fucks that we give in other words) http://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2022/05/life-is-like-spider-web.html

The web is also made of our attachments, It is actually mainly made out of our attachments - we are attached to people, to things, to places, to good feelings, good sensations.  The root of all these attachments is actually attachment to feeling good. Thats it, and fear of feeling bad. Thats it. It is that simple. We are very fearful of feeling bad and attachment to feeling good is actually being very fearful of loosing the feeling good.  So the root of all attachment is actually fear.

Sufi say it very nicely - Have faith in God and Have patience and Let go of the fear. Every experience is welcome. Good and Bad is just the way we see it, Its all ok.

now a days the answer to the question - Should you this? or should you that? is coming up as - Whatever you want! :-) 

should you follow one spiritual practice to perfection or should you try to develop yourself with multiple aspects? Whatever you want! 🤷🤷

Mists of Avalon

Should you read a very good book written by a very bad person?

Cancel culture tells me to drop that book like a hot potato and erase the existence of that person. Run from that book.

But I m going to read :-) Because there are no rules, you do you.

 If you think you should not read anything written by bad people then you should not.

I thought about it and I do want to read. 

I think I can pick and choose - I think bad people may have something to say which is worth while listening.

Same goes with spiritual gurus. May be they are not perfect, may be they have scandals and are totally and unequivocally proven to be shit person - but at the same time their techniques and their words may be exceptionally powerful and valuable.

Asaram Babu. yes him! I know a girl who has experienced his spiritual power and thankfully not abuse! Take ashtanga yoga guru for example, you cannot deny that ashtanga benefits millions of people but guru was ... 

just like how u can be shit person but great scientist , shit person and great world leader.. In case of world leader - I dont want them to lead anymore I support canceling them. ( why this double standards?! Who knows) 

But scientist ? If it turns out the lady who made covid vaccine is a serial killer or a pedophile, should we stop taking the vaccine? Then if she were an author - should we stop reading her book? :-) 

I concluded no. I postponed reading this book for so long. but now I have concluded no, I should not stop reading her book. 

and what an amazing book, I have only listened to a chapter or two. But what writing. mesmerising words . beautiful words. I had read reviews and expected it to be a good book I didnt expect to like it so much. I thought I was the kind of person who didnt notice the quality of the writing - As long as story is good I like the book! No! thats a big lie! :-)  I love good writing and I cannot lie. 

I m such a snob I couldnt continue with a lot of books because the writing was banal, I m reading 40 rules of love or something - which I am really enjoying for its unique story line about Sufis but Hope listening to Mists of Avalon may spoil it for me. So lyrical!  40 rules reads like a ... the writing is.. lets say basic! :-)

Anyway coming back to Mists of Avalon, There is a controversy about the author, very bad one at that. and proven to be true. She is a very bad person, very horrible person in fact :-( I dont know how she could write such beautiful stuff and be so bad.. But she proves it is possible. Bad does not stop u from being talented from being useful to society. The world is not divided into black and white like a Zebra, more like a rat - all grey :-) 

ps: 2023 update. Crap book ! ha ha! only the first chapter was good. After that it dragged on and on . Not one good likeable character, They were so pathetic and bad, I was wishing bad things happen to them and bad things did happen to them! ha ha! It kind of became a comedy in my head and I decided I should stop this and just read the summary. It is branded as woman's perspective of King Arthur. If this is womans perspective then I will happily be "Not like other girls". ha ha!!   King Arthur and Merlin story is such a thrilling and adventurous one . This lady has picked up the saddest and most pathetic parts of his life and focused on it, left out all the good/magical parts.  It took me a couple of days to wash my brain of her crap, depressive sh*t. Ok ok I did hate that book. Sorry for the rant. 

Well-being looks different from Weight loss.

I am doing good :-) 

This is rare for people and especially or me to admit unabashedly but here I am.

I need to say this to myself, I need to ascertain to myself that it's a good thing to not measure weight, because - Fucking hell!!  The pressure to fall into weight loss trap is IMMENSE! 

I have not missed yoga for last 2 and half months except for a day or 2 in the beginning. Weekly 7 days, thru vacations and weekends. And I have probably not lost any weight.  If I were measuring weight, I would have stopped after 4 weeks and moved on to Keto and strength training or running or given up frustrated complaining to my friends - "What ya! I never lose weight Whatever I do!! " and gone back to being Yo Yo.  

Yoga is for the mental well being, for the spiritual benefits  and also the physical well being - Not weight loss but physical well being, balance of hormones may be, improved flexibility so less aches and pains may be, better immune system may be, increased lung capacity and slower heart rate may be.  See - How we reduce all this to one parameter - weight loss. Isn't it sad? Haven't we gone mad to focus on one thing instead of the wholesome benefits some other changes may bring to us?

Also it fun! I can now do a head stand! I can take water from my mouth and bring it out of the nose - voluntarily. 

I fasted for 9 days aiming for 10. This would not be possible if I was measuring weight. Why not u ask?  Because the benefits of yoga and fasting are immense. better immunity, Appetite control, Mental strength, Spiritual cleansing, Physical cleansing .  I will not use it as a short cut or magic pill for weight loss. Then u reduce everything to one number on the scale. 

Along with this I have to do regular dancing and retreats for mental well being, for self acceptance. To free the mind of influences which are not in the direction which I want to go in. 

I m 100% sure weight stabilisation will come. I will be at a weight which is perfect for me, which may not be a loss or it may not be the instagram fashionista approved weight. But it will feel right and healthy. If we do the right things, why wont it happen? 

There may be overlaps, you may do similar things, but Well-being looks very different from Weight loss. 

The main reason for this blog is I have always felt people dont get me, I m not able to share my thoughts with people, when I do share so many dont understand. It almost feels like I m probably speaking a different language - like words are same but meanings are different. 

Does everyone interpret what we say in their own way? Based on their needs and expectations, There is always transference. 

What about my understanding of other people? How accurate is that? If they dont get me, Do I get them? If we have different dictionaries, They may be meaning something and I may be understanding something all together different?

We all like to think we are so Unique but we then assume everyone feels and senses and thinks exactly like us, We assume everyone wants and desires same as us and has same motivations.  We also feel those who dont think/desire like us is wrong! Its a strange contradiction.  I mean off course we have seen the world in our own way and it is very very hard to imagine that this is our interpretation and it is not the ultimate truth. How many times I have said in my life - What!? you dont like Ice creme!  HOW CAN U NOT! But May be for them ice creme tastes like how stevia tastes to me or something!? 

The Memes like Blue/Black White/Gold Gown was a fine example of how we may be seeing and sensing the world differently. 

Fuck that weight loss shit!

Its a big relief to let go of calories,

workout is workout not number of calories burnt, Food is just good not how much weight I gained

Its such a big relief when I do yoga for yoga not for will this help me lose weight

Its such a relief to wake up in the morning brush my teeth and drink my tea and not weigh before and after poop

Its such a big relief to stop looking for best workout for weight loss, best diet for weight loss, Keto, No carbs, Strength training, my fittness pal, Fitter 

Its such a big relief to be in control of the goal, and not one swayed by water weight and late lunch and hormones and weather

Its such a big relief to say fuck that weigh loss shit! :-) 

Its such a big relief to just be healthy and fit !

 

11-05-2012 - being understanding about traditions

Traditions - Mutaide Bhagya and all. Married women are supposed to wear 5 symbols of womenhood or whatever bangles, chains, bindi etc etc. Hate and anger at such things? I realised why it was probably mandated.. if u look at western women in their 40s and 50s most of them take care of themselves, use makeup and make themselves presentable. but Indian women in their 40s and 50s? their whole world is their husband and children...they dont give a damn about their looks many times.. if not for such mandates their husbands would leave them! LoL!! :-D  Now seriously, just look at an Indian Hindu woman and an Indian non Hindu woman.. Hindu women look attractive because the bindi -adds color to the face.. in the absence of make up. especially when they are getting on. (OK This seems a bit racist/religionist/agist without context but that was the feeling at that time and I am not going to be politically correct about it! ) and as for gold..Jewellery is the only wealth the women posses..so! Having rules is not great but they were probably made by good intentioned nice clever people no? with no malice?

12/02/2012 - Old Rant about Fixed mindset

This is a rant about fixed mindset - But at that time I didnt know about Growth mindset /fixed mindset but Fixed mindset seems to have annoyed me. Seems like it was deemed too private and vulnerable to share at that time but now I feel its ok to publish - 25/05/2022

"You read so many spiritual books, u give so much gyan but u still get angry?"
"Thats why I dont read those books, because I wont be able to follow them"
"U were crying buckets seeing nature, now u are angry, what happened?"
These statements offended me! why?

I hate this about some people,  they are so bloody cynical. I hate it.

Why cant I accept them being cynical?
is the superiority, condescending nature irritate me?
They seem to be telling "I wont read good books because I wont be able to follow them! U read those books and U dont follow them So I am superior to you!"
The statement start off with a -ve "I wont be able to follow." the assumption itself is sick.
Second thing is they expect themselves to be perfect and follow everything that they read, like some very staunch (Kattar) followers I hate that. I like flexible.
Third thing is they think it's either all or nothing, "I wont be able to do all so I wont do nothing". I hate that as well
That is so left brained. Always measuring are u successful? How successful? What is the percentage of success etc 

I got very angry, it was taunting me and questioning me... like saying - You are fail. My ego got hurt.
I m first of all trying to not get into that mode of measuring and weighing up myself all the time.

small miracles that shouldnt be forgotten -06/11/2011

tiny coincidences or is it magic?
walking to bus stop at night, suddenly i miss my kittens, i want a kitty, i want a kitty, I want a kitty, And there it is! one cute lil kitten sitting in front of someone;s porch.
Feeling nostalgic bout Tom Sawyer, I want huckelberry finn!!! next day I am talkign to parents and browsing thru books in office library, I just pick one up absent mindedly and guess which one it is :)
Went off to parkour class, forgot to look up the meeting place! Oops! I dont even have a smart phone, nor do I have anyones phone  number! I dont want to miss the class!! oh what to do! What to do! I can wait near the station and hope someone from the class passes that way- but station has like 10 entrances!!!
waitn for 15 mins no one turns up. only 5 mins more and no one passes by yet. :-(
I see this beggar/hippie asking for money. my principle - dont give money... but long haired hippy I end up looking at his face, twinkle in his eye! and wicked smile :) Okay! I think Ill give him my change, but too embarrassed to dig into purse in front of him, I go into station dig out 20p, n come out - beggar s like Vanished!! oh well! but I see a girl from parkour walking towards me :-D and she knows the way too!! cool or what! :) It felt like Raj Kumar movie God comes and tests him in different Veshas :D hehe! Seriosuly freaky! :D I think that beggar vanished with a "Dhang!!!!! " noise just like in old kannada movies :)
Blood test at the hospital( dont panic,It was just routine :P), It takes one and half hours waiting. go at 7 30 and it opens only at 9, if u go later, then its wait for hours.( Yeah NHS is like that only,but/because it is absolutely free. I was cribbing bout NHS untill I met this American girl who was so grateful about free healthcare that she had tears in her eyes!!!) . so went in at 7 30, . I see an old man roaming around in the hospital looking confused and lost, looking at boards searching...there are lot of people to ask but he din ask anyone for help.. Should I go ask him whats up? He is far away.. 8 o clock. We get our coupon numbers, mine is 4. Ill be out by 9. Old man still eating my head, OK! Ill just go and ask that old man whats up anyway,  i have coupon now.. I go find him. Naw he is allright, he is waiting for some dept to open up! :-) but he was happy I asked anyway :P  I come back and surprise! that day nurses have some meeting so they decided to start the tests immediately and its my turn! I m out by 8 5! instead of 9 5! :-) was it a reward for being good girl? 

28/02/2013 - Seems like a healing tapping session report.

28/02/2013 - Seems like a healing/ tapping / past life regression -DIY?  Anyway its a session report from long ago - I used to struggle a lot with coughs, then poor me. Panchakarma has healed it, cough free since .. 2016? 2017? 2018? 

Had a wonderful healing session yesterday
It was amazing.
Putting these in words, I m still learning to put these experiences in words in a nice way which makes me happy and which is a nice read as well.
Yesterday I went and blessed my old self and then I reckoned that my future self which is much smarter than me must me blessing and healing me right now
such a wonderful feeling that! I did feel her come and kiss my cheek too and then I felt this fairy queen also come and kiss my cheek, green dress and a gold band she had on.

So many things happen, I need to put them all in words fast and nicely
My eyes were prefect at one point when I woke up and night and then I tapped into accepting the blessings and miracles in my life

I did feel like I released a lot of old stuff and felt cleaned and healed from inside. I let go of a lot of things with respect to sight and seeing.

I m trying a new thing these days, going into dungeons and basements (in my mind) and looking for things..
then I think I found the reason for my cough, touching my head and neck and back when I cough seems to feel better.
Oh yeah I seemed to regress into childhood in my vision I blessed my self  then I because a lil baby I did a oil massage for the lil baby and I felt really good
Then I seemed to regress into nothing and then into a old lady, it was one ugly lady then an english lady with white hair and then another lady ... no connection with these women tho, except with the ugly one, I could talk to her, the others din feel like me. the baby surely was me! I felt it. and whatever I did to her I could feel the comfort.
I need to tap a lot more to release this cough
I think this is the last cough and cold I m going to get in my life, I m learning from my body I m listening to it this time

The one time when I shaved my head

When I was writing my 12th std exams, It seemed like the most important thing in this world is getting a computer science engineering seat.  Maths exam - realised I had read a question wrong - 12 marks questions! Panic! I pledged that I would shave my head as dedication to god if I managed to get a seat in Engineering. 

Things were not so bad after all Physics and Chemistry made up for it and I landed a seat. Now it is promise full fill time! Shaving your head is apparently a big deal in India, Actually everywhere. People are shocked by it! I have a post about that. Anyway it was promise full fill time and every one was 

I did it. I had to keep my word, Did I believe something bad will happen to me if I didn't do it ? No. But I had said I will do it and I had to do it.

I m so proud of the 16 year old me for this! She was so brave and so sincere! It shows strength of character.  There were 1001 religious loop holes, may money, walk up the mountain instead , just cut a strand etc.  She could have taken any of them, but didn't . stood true to word.

I was reminded of this when I talked to school friend recently, She said it was so brave of you to do it! and I have never seen it that way! Yes indeed it was! I decided to be proud of that me :-) 

Ps Extra insight : This is why I find people who dont keep their word so infuriating . People are so casual about it - "Hey I m not feeling like it, I cant make it today." "Oh I told you I would do it .. but he he Sorry I cant!"  "Oh I didnt mean it... "  For them saying words are casual - When I get angry , they dont understand - They ask me, Did I take an oath?  Geeta pe haath rakh ke kasam khaya tha kya :-) OR they say So?! Sue me. They feel - Why is she acting like it is such a big deal? 

Me - I fancy myself to be mini Bhisma Pitamaha or something! LOL! No Not really! but clearly it matters.

This is the thing with values, we don't just impose it on ourselves we impose it , without their permission, without their knowledge, on others :-)  ( someone said this about being nice on reddit I am copying) 

           Acceptance
                               Kindness 

             Clarity
                                          Sensitivity

                        Stillness

Goals for 2022

Clarity/Serenity/Peace of mind/Kind to self and others/Acceptance

Astral Projection/energy body/Arhatic Yoga

Do some good to others. 

Mindset yet again.

I wrote this sometime ago, Now I can see that I m applying growth mindset to different areas of my life successfully. I see experiments and efforts for what they are and not as failures. Its a bit hard to not feel scared of not knowing something at work. but I m less ashamed to ask and find out.  I see it especially in water colour painting. I m practicing without any fear or failure. I m enjoying just colouring rectangles to practice flat wash or graded wash. I didnt fold up the books when my first 10 flat washes were horribly streaky :-)                         

Mushroom growing - it took me a while to overcome the fixed mindset. I let it sleep for 6 months thinking this is too hard, but now I m keen to try and willing to fail. 

                                                               == * == * ==

Reading this book Mindset . This will be life changing. I have heard about this and read about this before but I am in the right frame of mind to accept this now?
I was on this same track already when I wrote this 

http://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2019/10/effort-goals.html

fixed mindset problems
value talent over effort
1) I got marks without studying - hence I am very smart
the people to studied and worked hard are not as smart as me.
2) I am ashamed of not knowing things , looking up how to do, or not being good at something untill I learn it. I have to be through with my learning as well, 
3) I am not interested in looking smart but I am interested in not looking dumb, being fooled is my biggest( :P ) fear, being used manipulated - Is this fixed mindset? may be not - but why do I chose to be afraid of this even when I am 40+  Why cant I learn to deal with this?

Individuals with a fixed mindset seek to validate themselves.
Individuals with a growth mindset focus on developing themselves.
And you secretly feel threatened and envious of the success of others.

Here’s list of questions to help you adopt an orientation toward growth (collected from various sections throughout the Mindset book):

• What can I learn from this?
• What steps can I take to help me succeed?
• Do I know the outcome or goal I’m after?
• What information can I gather? And from where?
• Where can I get constructive feedback?
• If I had a plan to be successful at [blank], what might it look like?
• When will I follow through on my plan?
• Where will I follow through on my plan?
• How will I follow through on my plan?
• What did I learn today?
• What mistake did I make that taught me something?
• Is my current learning strategy working? If not, how can I change it?
• What did I try hard at today?
• What habits must I develop to continue the gains I’ve achieved?

 Consistent Practice/Diligent Effort + Right Method = Growth
As Maslow articulated, when the delight of growth is greater than the anxiety of safety, we choose growth.

another Mantra from Mindset book ( This way it will get to #1 spot on my fav book list )
Its Hard! Its Fun!

https://www.businessinsider.com/satya-nadella-microsoft-mindset-book-2019-1?r=US&IR=T

What are my beliefs??? Are they fixed or growth ?
In some/ many areas I have growth mindset - In intelligence - atleast mine ;-) , I believe I can grow, Spiritual ability , Creativity, Drawing Painting - everybody's :D  I believe everyone can grown. Sports and Physical - Mixed, I believe there is some innate talent, but everyone can be much much better than what they are. This has changed since my childhood when I firmly believed I was un coordinated and that I couldn't dance. Some how after age 30 I started dancing well! he he frankly I don't know If I dance well at all actually I enjoy dancing, my co ordination also has improved, I would call myself sporty, I am very good at new sports even paddle boarding, ppl even asked me if I had done it before. So I am a proof so to speak. Drawing - I was reasonably good from before but  I have seen some people improve like crazy. Also there is the bizarre case of my friend who is like absolultey amazing at drawing but has a 5 year olds handwriting!
So inspite of this, I have fixed mindset in lot of areas of life - personality - coping ability, bravery, control on anger and moods, being good natured, social skills, Music ( How can this be! really!!  if Drawing can be picked up by anyone by training in the right way, why can't they pick up music? ! I am smart but see How blind I can be? ) 

Life is like a spider web

Life is like being stuck in a spider web, unfortunately the web is created by our own selves, Each strand in the web is our conditionings, its how much we value and give importance to things which probably dont really matter. We are stuck and struggling - all unnecessarily.  

One set of strands I noticed was  how much of a fuck we give to other peoples opinion

Me stuck in all the fucks I give :D 

Even people like me - I think of myself as someone who does not give a fuck about other peoples opinion. Sure! I do do things when other people don't approve but it still bothers me - I get angry about other peoples opinion. I do care but not enough to not do things! 

This is the truth about all rebels. Those who don't genuinely care are not rebelling. They are just going about doing their shit, quietly .

If you feel embarrassed, If you feel guilty, If you feel shy, if you feel proud, if you feel happy when people compliment, all this time you are giving fucks. It is very subtle and it is hard-wired as a social animal to be people pleaser.

Genuine acceptance is rare - There are very rarely spaces where u give up performing for others and just be ourselves, Where we allow others to be and ourselves to be. Ecstatic dance was one such space - Truly liberating and such a kind gesture. 

Ps: Can you tell that I read Subtle Art of not giving a fuck! Lol! Full confession - I gave up half way tho

More Cob webs 

My father, He was arguing about how computer science is the best career. May be it was 25 years ago, now there are more opportunities, I Say. He asked if you take an average How many computer engineers succeed vs any other profession! 

This stuck me! AVERAGE! AVERAGE! AVERAGE!

 He believed a girl could do Computer Engineering when whole society believed girls were only fit for making round rotis!  Like the father in Dangal!! I m so grateful for that !

but This! This is somewhat like father in Gully boy! LOL! 

I m realising How strong a influence by dad has had on my thinking - how much I myself am stuck in average

He strongly believes in being safe and aiming for being average not in aiming high - me too! 

He asked on an average how many people make it if they are not computer engineers? - Do I dare be anything else? Do I dare imagine myself being anything beyond average? Do I dare imagine myself heading a corporation or making a difference to lives of millions or writing a white paper even? 

Cob Webs wrap our perception,  cob webs limit our dreams. The web does not bind us, we are the spider after all but we dont know that :D We are stuck in our own web! 

Why did I name this blog TBD

Well I started a blog and I thought and thought and couldnt think of a name, I really wanted to start the blog - so I said, Ok let me start posting first and then lets name this thing.  So for now - TBD.  After a few years :D ya! Life goes on like that! :D  It felt so apt! like us, its still being done, still cooking - to be done! Beautiful and so Apt! 

I seem to get attached to my mistakes, my first name is my city name. Thanks to 18 year old me who wrote that in the passport! Changing the name is not hard but I couldnt bring myself to do it. Its a quirk I have come to love. I noticed I have a defunct blog with a typo, seems like I was reluctant to correct that as well... 

stone that polishes jewels

How shud we treat people who are causing us harm and difficulties in life? 

Master Marilag says You should treat them like a stone that is used to polish the jewel that is you, They are turning you into a shiny jewel. We shud thank them for making us stronger and more aware and move on. 

Sometimes we introspect and realise, we are the ones that have caused harm. What to do then? Should we feel guilt and regret?  If we have caused harm then we have been the stone that polished others. Sometimes we are jewel sometimes we are stone. That is the dance of karma :-) 

It is impossible to forgive others and to be kind to others if we do not forgive and treat our selves kindly.  

Possibly as our awareness increases, we be less of a tool to karma and so it dissolves... 

What is a cat

Cats are multidimensional beings! Really! They are part here and part in the other universe! ( Like the mice from Hitch Hikers Guide to The Galaxy! ) Trickster spirits, beings here to help us realise what this universe is all about. Cats are Monkey King like beings,  powerful, naughty, reluctantly helpful, mostly dont give a shit beings :-) 

This is what Sonu looks like in the other universe, The cat version of this, only he is the size of a 15 story building :-) 

Why do shrooms?

Psychedelics can be used for 

Level 1-  entertainment, for tripping , for getting cool experiences

Level 2 - They can be used to solve your mental problems 

Level 3 -  Use to advance spiritually.

I want to use for level 3:

My intentions 

I want to open my mind

I want to expand my mind

Who am I?

What is this universe?

What is behind this veil?

Who or What is Sonu?

What can I do to for the highest good of everyone, every being?

I want to be accepting and kind

I want to be less judgemental  

Why to write this down? Because intentions become unclear after interacting with the world, Other people have different goals and that will influence you. And when thing get difficult the question Why the fuck did I ever do this comes to mind! LOL! At that time I need to remember my intentions.

Also my mind is full of judgement against intoxicants be it alcohol or Ayahuasca and I needed this justification for my mind to stop feeling guilty and clear up. 

I think it was not judgement towards people who are doing this for level 1, It was fear of judgement by society. That fear is subtle and so deeply instilled in us its crazy.  

Aangan hi Teda tha!!

I have purchase so many painting and drawing instruction books in the past years.  I was not able to follow most of them to completion. I was really struggling. Many courses as well. I felt a little bad about it. I m not good enough to learn this may be? I am not determined enough may be and so on.

Now after a decade or something I have found this book -Water colour basics - Lets get started by Jack Reid and I realise - IT WAS NOT ME, IT WAS THEM!!! It was THEM! 

I dont know if every one has this tendency or its just me. I kind of blame myself in such situations. Now I m following the book , I m loving it.

Some books spent a time on how to hold the brush and how to select the paper until they bore u to death and then suddenly they do to paint this really complicated picture!!  Another one I have has pictures of intermediate stages of the painting and all the colours mapped out but if it try those steps nothing works.

This guy is like is starting from really basic stuff like paint pointy leaves with one stroke of brush, I have been painting for a decade and I couldn't do it! It was so much fun trying to master that - on news print.

Next was ok - now paint a flat wash! so basic and I didn't know. It took lot of tries to learn it. and now I do! and so proud! I just love love love this book.

It is kind of like at the perfect basic level at which I want the instructions to be! It suits me.

I realise it is much easier for artists to paint but really hard to teach others how to paint or draw. It is a rare skill. only some books and some teachers get it right. 

Lesson learnt - if you are not able to learn something blame the instructions! 

There is an Indian saying - Nach na jaane angan teda - Those who dont know to dance say the stage is tilted. Such a load of crap! :-D 

Moral of the story :  Trust in yourself, It is not possible for us to be bad at something - because GROWTH MINDSET! duh! :-)  The way it is being taught is wrong! 100%  Try in a different way. try a different teacher, try a slightly different skill and go from there.

I used to think I m crap and co-ordination and dance. Now I m pretty good ( If I say so myself! :-) ) So!

population sensus :-)

Fathers side
Grand pa - Grandma 11 kids 
11 kids -> 30 grand kids ( 1 didnt have children )
30 grand kids ->  approx 37 + ( max 7) great grand kids.  4 grandkids didnt have any children - 9 had 1 kid
fertility went from 11 -> 3 -> 1.5

11->30->37

Mother side
9 ->  7 had kids - 12 grand kids -> 4 great grand kids -  2 definitely dont/wont have kids, 2 had 1 kid and 1 had 2 kids  
6 grand kids can still have kids - so max 12 more kids , out of this 2 are unlikely to have kids, the other 4 may have 5 kids - making it 9 total.  

9->12->9

Just having your kids married off and having kids well before 1975 has resulted in 3 times the spread of genes are after "hum do humare do" was introduced.  out of 30 grand kids on my fathers side, 3 siblings are responsible for 16 of that and the rest 8 for only 14 kids. My mothers side none of the 9 kids married before 1970s and so stuck to 2 max.  

Lol! I just had to do this analysis, no purpose what so ever. 

perfect earth

I m seeing Expanse and some other Space movies/Series. 

Domes, Black Skys, no water... One person born and bought up on Mars in Expanse talks about ocean. He is thinking how wonderful it must be to have so much water that it forms an Ocean. How wonderful to have no domes, you can walk freely. Air water all free! Wow that hit home!

What we have now on earth... its so precious. I m trying to live my life without caring for now - Plastics, Climate change, over consumption, pesticides, fertilisers, Forest loss, extinctions.. Oh Hell! I m going to live for another 50 years Max may be? why should I care!? 

I didn't feel like this, but I felt frustrated. People mocking Climate change, and everyone carrying on as if no shit is happening. Why shud only I care? I felt like that and then decided to not care.

I m sitting and I can see Blue Skies outside, Plants trees birds insects .  free Oxygen to breath, water, every damn thing we need to live is there ready made!  So easy. We live in a perfect world,  What could beat 3 billion years of adjusting to an environment? 

People are dreaming of settling on the moon and mars, We cant even take care of what we have here and we think we will conquer the galaxy .... 

Faltu interests?

Do our interests go around in circles or are the base interests the same we try to jump to something more socially acceptable but drift back to our "core" interests?

I m feeling the pull of the same old things all over again :-) 

Flowering plants in the house, orange plant, Gardening,  Water colour painting, Clay modelling, Tibet/Buddhism/Astral Travel - Multiverse exploration, Fasting, Mushroom growing, Yeast/Fermentation God! I have a truck load of faltu interests! :-) and I love them

Promotions, growing in the company, learning to showing off my work, money, investments - the interests I tried hard to cultivate last one year, are falling off the wayside.

Hmmm! Feels like u can take a horse to the water but cant make it drink.  

A balance would be great. It is ok to have fun hobbies, but you need to be practical and have grown up interests if you are above 15 years old ;-) 

I dont kill spiders

Ya , The best way to make your house looks its worst is to have cobwebs all over! LoL I know!

They eat flies and sometimes catch cockroaches. I feel they are awesome and catch lot of harmful insects. I saw how one of them caught a huge moth, like 3 times it size mid air, Spider probably had some floating strands which caught the moth, The moth didnt have a chance. Not that moth is harmful. I m just admiring the skill of spiders. I like them :-) They don't scare me. I feel like let them be, in one corner its fine. 

Same with mushroom in toilet. LOL! That created a huge outrage in the office. 

This is why I don't have Friends ! 

And may be you should read this and come back and be my friend ;-)  

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25499718-children-of-time#