paedophiles

I don't know if I should out this on a public blog even very few people read this.
This is the kind of shit which is making me feel like we are living in the world of '1984'. Where I should be careful and thought police are watching me. but here goes..

I have almost disgust for criminal paedophiles, I was thinking how some of the worst curses are Bastard and Incest and NOT rapist and paedophile, I had concluded these two were the worst of the worst things in the world.

There are straight men and there are sexual offenders and then there are rapists.  There are straight men who are celibate all there lives. So similarly there are paedophiles and then there are criminal paedophiles? The ones who we all hate, the disgusting scum are the criminal ones, To each one of those there are 10(20? ) others who have attraction for kids but don't do anything about this? They just feel extremely guilty and can never come out of the cupboard. They are just very unfortunate? Is it a sickness? or not? If being attracted to same sex is hard wired and nothing can be done about it,  So is paedophilia? With the difference being there is no way you can satisfy your craving with out becoming evil?

Early Indians

I am reading Early Indians, We are still talking about first humans migrating out of Africa. I notice every instance where humans succeed is a time of some kind of disaster. It got really cold and dry due to Ice age( one of many ) severe resource constraint,This may have given humans an edge over Neanderthals. Volcanic eruption lead to temperature dropping a few degrees and acid rain for years after, this may have lead humans to establish themselves better over Homo Erectus etc again and again. If life went smoothly Humans would never be able to replace displace Archaic human species Or probably never evolve at all. 
Its not just Humans, Its probable some kind of disaster which lead to evolution and prevalence of Neanderthals as well.. Good times lead to lot of mutations surviving and lot of diversity. and then disaster culls them, selects only the fittest. 
Humans evolved from a small population of few thousands, so did Neanderthals.  Even tho the evolutionary tree has many branches, only one branch seems to survive most of the times. How does even that one branch survive? Phew!  how does life go on at all in spite of all these extinctions and deaths!

Tell women they are beautiful crap ( rant )

ha ha! Rant coming up after a long time ! Ye! ;-)
Posts like - The real man makes a woman feel beautiful ( VOMIT VOMIT  ;-) Or Advise that you should tell your daughters they are beautiful so that they dont get the feeling that they are ugly. Apparently it boosts their confidence , if you dont tell they become insecure!?!
Really!! Please!!
You should be telling people that beauty is very superficial and not important. In fact, you should not be talking about all the beauty crap at all! There are better things in life. You are just making the cosmetics and plastic surgery industry rich and you are making yourself and your family really insecure!!!
Also,  There is nothing called inner beauty - That model on instagram with flawless skin is really truly more beautiful than you and me. Your stretch marks?  They are not tiger stripes and they are NOT beautiful!  Just because she is physically more beautiful does not make you MORE inner beautiful :D Nature is not a silly liberal school teacher giving consolation prizes to kids who didnt win.
But so what? Not beautiful is perfectly ok, Just deal with it!

 BTW I wonder if such feels as this are in me because I am part asexual, part spiritual, weird hybrid? If I were a normal (  ;-) normal!? One girl complimented me "you are not normal!" and It was kind of best compliment ever :-D. Does not that say it all? ) anyway, if I were a normal woman, would I want other people to think I was beautiful and want them to make me feel beautiful? Is it my hormones which makes me so blessed and above all this crap? No... Its probably  my superior intellect ;-)


ps: This was about an year ago, Again the book Mindset( yes Again!  he he!) validates my thinking. It gives an explanation to the above.
Fixed mindset people value inherent capacity and talent.  Wow She is beautiful! She is intelligent!
Growth mindset people value effort  and hard work and change.  Wow she worked hard and overcame difficulties.
Well the question of hormones aside, I think above is clearly fixed mindset about beauty and hence not good to have. I seem to have growth mindset in this particular area.

Also I hope people know that when I rant I am half joking? 

Deal with it!

August 2019

Listening to Emperror of maladies , feeling literally sick .. Still carrying on. ( Actually that day I was sick :) but I didnt know , thought it was reaction to the book )

Have we become too soft , I feel that is the problem with me, with all this Louise hay and positive thinking brigade.
I am avoiding unpleasantness and pain ( tho that may not exactly be what they are preaching )
I avoid Chernobyl, or powerful documentaries Or looking at linked in. I have become avoidance master.
So I decided I will listen to the book and if I get unpleasant consequences, I will deal with it.

This is such a powerful Mantra - I will deal with it. It gives me so much power.

Discipline is also the same thing, It is carrying on even with the discomfort and the pain.

killing the joy of living ( rant )

I was wondering if we are killing magic, I am also wondering if we are killing the joy of living my being too organised
Not just in daily life but the government and the businesses that we deal with - 10 years ago I used to use my name with initials sometimes and sometimes expanded it didn't create any problems, but now if the name does not pattern match letter to letter,  it can cause me huge problems, airlines wont fly me, banks dont give me money. We used to be human before and know that  J Bond and James M Bond could be the same person. Now we are all stupid computers. Bus in Kannada becomes Bassu, Stupid Stupid rigid people cant understand this.
Everything is like this, Its creeping up on us, The road rules, the booking months in advance for holidays or to even meet friends, time and date is booked weeks in advance.
I dont know if its just me , but I feel like this is soul sucking, its not free., Its the tyranny of the left brain. We are killing our spontaneity, we are killing the random curve loving right brain activities, we are becoming dull square stupid boxes.
In case of disaster, we will go down in numbers really fast, this kind of mind is adapted for this well curated boring world.
I wonder if the being which has evolved in the natural world for 3 billion years is getting stifled and suffocated in this comfortable and reliable but dry and boring world, I wonder if this is causing high number of autism cases and depression and anxiety.
Rigid rigid rigid rigid I hate it, This is western way of life that is infecting the whole world and bringing with it the whole lot of diseases - mental and physical.
They didn't just infect the native Americans with small pox, they are infecting all of us now, spoiling the lives with their materialism and their clock work like rigidity, killing joy and killing the planet at the same time.
Internet is a gift as well as a weapon, Its a white mans disease carrier.

:-D

( I think I can get away with this. As a brown woman I wont be called racist. If I wrote the something about Black mans or Indian mans disease! Oh my ! I would totally be a racist! ) 

Sati Savitri

In western fairy tales, the woman the princess is a helpless little wimp who gets into trouble, a Strong brave prince or Knight in Shining armour comes and saves her. They get married and live happily ever after! This portrays women as weak and men as strong, This makes who ever hears it feel like a woman needs a man in her life to save her. Sexist! fine!

In India we have an exactly opposite story - Savitri.
Her husband ( Satyavaan - but seriously Satyavaan who? ) was cursed to die young, in-spite of that Savitri married him. Then as expected, he died on the designated day, but Savitri was so powerful she chased Yama the God death himself  and got her husband back from the dead!  The western Prince just fought dragons, this Lady fought the ultimate villain death!

But Savitri is the epitome of Sexism, How Ironic is that!? Most feminists' blood boils at the mention of her name :-)  Isnt that funny? No Really! Savitri is sexist not a feminist as you would expect.

West has this type of sexism where woman is weak and man is strong and so he carries the womans bags, this has at least some kind of advantage.
India has a type of sexism where woman is not weak she is just lowly!  ha ha!  So she carries her husbands bag! There is absolutely no silver lining to this sexism.

So Savitri was just doing her duty, she is not a Hero for rescuing her husband. She is symbol of this kind of sexism which tells all women that its their ultimate duty to look after their husbands and nothing else and she shows the lengths to which a wife should go to achieve this. 
Can the Prince story be interpreted in the same way? It shows the lengths to which a man should go to please his beloved??  but it isnt is it?

It seems like its not the story that is important, Its how it is told.  You can take any story and squeeze out any moral out of it.  A woman is strong narrative can be used to oppress a woman or a woman is weak narrative can be used to oppress a woman. In fact not just women, men are as easily manipulated  by clever people by being glorified, thats a story for another day. Today may be we should think of how to make Savitri into feminist icon, a Hero  and not a door mat ;-) 

are we becoming fake in the quest to be nice?

These days I find that we are all complimenting each other all the time, Wow you look lovely! Lovely dress! Wow your paintings are so beautiful!  There is a very definite expectation - atleast from the women that some compliment will pass from your lips when you meet them. Especially in the west and especially the little girls even as young as 4! You have to say my princess is so pretty!!! You are the cutest! If I forget, I can see their face fall and their parents will remind me Ahem!!... Oh yeah!! you are so cute!
This is the result of the positive thinking revolution I guess.  We are being so positive, so nice to each other! This is very good for us! This MUST be very good for us right?
Or is it?
People used to give in to their natural urges like jealousy, their bitterness, their anger and make rude and nasty comments about us before. I didn't like it. This is infact definitely better than that but ...

I think this is making us more prone to depression and sadness. One type of person relies too much on this kind of outside validation to be happy and is depressed when they dont get that 100th like on Insta.  another ( like me ) just discounts all positive feedback as flattery. I put all compliments in a Not true box. less dangerous of the two but u could say I am having trust issues?

 When we are doing this all praise we are doing a great dis-service to the person by not giving true feedback that will help them grow. Saying it like it is with out malice is a very valuable thing, even tho we dont like what we hear, it is good for us. like medicine.

We also need to ask ourselves, are we being nice for the sake of others or for us? Being nice is an easy way to be liked. Telling truth is hard work, it may make us unpopular. So is it for others or for us that we are being nice?

Not only that - What does not kill you, makes u stronger.  We are becoming snowflakes ( yes I used that word, you liberals! go on a flame war! ha! but u cant cause this blog is so private! ha! ) We are becoming like princesses who get bruised by a hair which is under 7 blankets. Whats with all the Fat shaming, thin shaming,  trigger warnings? ppl! Just deal with it! no? We are not able to deal with even little bit criticism because we are used to being coddled. Standing up to abuse is a good thing, but being cowed down by it is not. No pain no gain doesnot apply just for the body.  To make us strong we need to learn to deal with negative feelings.

Again my instincts in psychology seem to be supported by research.  Just as I thought! Mindset book talks about this as well, How boys who generally keep putting each other down are unaffected by other peoples opinion or comments that much and can stand up for criticism or failures much better in life than girls who are used to hearing only good things. 

Fomo?

Feel anxious at other peoples achievements? Feel Inspired instead.
instead of  seeing what we have not done, we can see what is possible to do :-)
 - fixed vs growth mindset!

ps: one of my 2019 resolution - genuinely feel happy for other peoples achievements. At the fag end of the year I find the way to make it happen :-) 

All of life is an Experiment

Look at life as series of Experiments instead of series of Experiences
- Zig Zigler ( Via K )
I seem to be getting this message from every where! this almost makes me wake up with excitement, to look at each day as if I am a mad scientist who is going to discover something new :-)
Every mistake is an opportunity to learn ! in fact its not a mistake at all! its an attempt!
Also just like an experiment - We should know why are are trying something, what we expect and what we learnt by it, What we change the next time.

Life's life this? Brilliant art by
https://www.deviantart.com/darkki1/art/Planetarium-561500038

stamp

I licked an envelop closed today,  I wondered how many hygiene concerns are there about this Today ! how I might be thought of as being thoughtless toward postal employees, about my chance of contacts some deadly disease etc... I miss the simplicity of the old days.  I googled and I saw this question on quora, Did people link stamps?! Hmm!

Awww I loved stamps ! :) I feel sad, I haven't licked a stamp for a very long time, Let alone written a written a letter but I feel nostalgic and sad for demise of the day to day things which lasted only a few decades or a 100 years or so to disappear ...


ps: I am not the only one ;-) Nostalgia is making big bucks Stranger things, return of the audio tape apparently, make be even analog camera, the 80s kids are in their 40s and rich and nostalgic and paying :)

Does meditation help with temper

Energy

• Drink water 
• Protein at 5 pm
• Eat fruit in car at 5/6 pm
• Water bottle in car
• Find and reduce activities and people who drain energy
• arguments - read assertiveness book  (?)
  
• Workout IF
  
• Detox with food. (?)
• Pranic healing
• Sukshma vyayama
• Essential oils - Lemon grass, lime
• Good sleep, sleep late
• Push boundaries of tiredness - Is it mental or physical?  
• Study/Code when really tired for half hour 
• Do simple stretching yoga when really tired 

How to Generate ideas

Use success in another area and see how you can apply it to an area you are stuck on, For example I have successfully managed to restart painting again even tho I was blocked. So how did I do it? Use the same principles to see if I can unblock myself in my career. 

They are not magical fluffy dandelion seeds floating around which accidentally collide with you! no! You have to work on them like anything else

• Spend time on it
• Don't see if the idea is
•   possible or not
• big or small
• useful or not
• Put a dead line  - 10 ideas in 3 weeks
• Look for ideas to copy from others
• Imitate first and then creativity will come
• Look for ideas online
• Bounce off ideas with others/discuss with others
• small steps - bounce ideas off someone from other team 
• do this online

is magic dying? ( rant)

One little girl 4 year old was wearing shoes with wings on them, I said wow you can fly with this, She said no you can't, they are pretend wings....
When I was little did I know pretend? If someone asked me - yes I would probably say the same but I did entertain the belief that I could fly, My equivalent was by doing Tapas I could actually meet Vishnu. I still do :-)
I am not one to entertain superstition, I HATE HATE people who worship banana trees for 7 days to have a son etc. But I love my belief in magic. It fills my heart with joy, It makes me very interesting to myself. It drives my curiosity, my drive to learn. It is very valuable to me.  I don't know how or why I think its different from Banana tree example, as far as I can see, these beliefs only fill the people with fear or greed or sometimes hope( which is not so bad...)
So It makes me sad that kids these days are losing the magic, In the bid to be rational are we killing the magic and imagination? Killing the joy of being? Are we making them materialistic? Not in the sense of wanting or not wanting material things, but thinking in only in terms of what they see and feel vs what may be, what is hidden? the mystery?
Same dread I felt when my friend bought her daughter a flying fairy, It was an ugly plastic toy, with wings which actually flew and hovered in air for a bit.  If it can actually happen Its not magic anymore is it? Just like how much magic is a Skype call vs how u felt when James Bond spoke to M on his watch in the 80s?
One thing for sure ( I am guilty of advocating this just 2 years ago) we are over engineering the kids, not just the kids, we are over engineering our society and our selves as well. We are setting up too many rules to follow and not allowing ourselves to BE and observe .
May be this is just my over reaction, May be people feel the same when I am being practical about Valentines day or the Gift exchange culture? That I have thrown the baby out with the bath water? Are they right? Am I right? Am I over engineering my thinking :D 

Its not will power, its obedience!

When I have an app tell me to fast, why is easier? Its not as energy draining?  
We are programmed to be obedient, being hierarchical species. It is natural for most of us to obey than to disobey?  It really takes a lot of energy to disobey, thats why we are so angry when someone tell us to do something we don't want to do. Because our minds feel compelled to do it and we have to fight that instint to not do!
 Back seat driving for example, its dangerous because of the high possibility of the driver following the suggestion in spite of it being dangerous, like turn left when a vehicle is coming from behind. We find it very hard to not do what the person is casually telling. It takes lot of mindfulness to not take the suggestion . Thats why we said look what u made me do! and we are NOT playing the blame game. We are telling the truth. 
Even when the order is what we want to do we find it annoying , because it makes us lesser in the hierarchy? but that another discussion.
I am thinking there may be a practical advantage to this obedience. When we try to fast - we are using will power to stick to it. Its is hard and draining until it becomes a habit. But when we are using a fasting app? When the app tells us its Time to fast - Its not using our limited will power which is kind of draining to use but we are using our less draining but natural instinct of obedience? Thats why it is lot easier from the beginning?

Those were the days

Heady days of Free Moocs
Those were the days, How I loved courser, the kind of courses it offered. Learning for the fun of it, learning for joy - Dino 101, Do trees have feelings?, Social Psycology, Buddhisim and modern Psycology, Morality of everyday life!Design ! Art history course!
Oh What fun!  I loved the community aspect of it, The course was offered kind of live, once - together for everyone , so 200,000 or so of us, did it at once, Were in the forums at once, Stimulating discussions, and evaluating each others assignments !
I am now doing a coursera course out of necessity,  It stings me , Its like the difference between calligraphy and typing :D 
This course is offered everyday I can join any day and start and It is useful for my job and assignments are evaluated by robots online :) There are discussion forums dry and barren ones , with last message being - Unable to submit assignment, with a reply 2 months ago .  
and this is not free
The days of fun free moochs which were awesome but which you probably wouldnt pay for is over?

Moaning myrtle ( ranty stuff :D )

 

 Okay!I woke up stressed today, I could literally feel the stress hormones being poured into my blood steam. Its because of this girl, This moaning ghost, She does not just live in Hogwarts girls toilet, apparently she lives in my head as well! ( looks a little different, more like me :P 

Moaning about the decisions I have taken for my Kitchen, How they are tacky, how they look so bad, even funny comments but ultimately mean. Its an issue which has very little consequence over my life, but it seems to be a really big deal to some part of me, To wake up in wee hours being bothered.

 This is not the only example, There are many small things which worry this moaning myrtle.

It seems to be not just a kitchen but somehow part of my identity, Its a personal judgement. Getting it right or wrong somehow makes me  a better or worse person.. something like that. I wonder why? Its not kitchen that it shit, its me! Not just mistake some

 There are areas in my life where no mistake seem to reach this level of consequence. Driving for one( may be only one ;-) ha ha! ) I have made some very big mistakes! Huge! like turning into the wrong lane at a signal. Into oncoming traffic. I turned into a 4 lane no entry and had 4 cars come on to me, life threatening mistake. My heart beat faster, throat dried up! definitely ! but I calmly dealt with it, I said sorry to people who honked. I calmed put up my hand to stop them and turned and carried on.  Do I think of myself as a bad driver? No! I am an excellent driver, as comfortable and as confident as ever right from the next moment. Later on also it didnt bother me at all, Did I spend sleepless nights thinking how Shit I am? NO!!! I just laughed at myself! Oh! My God! hehe! 

 How come?

I was not like this, I was very uncomfortable driver, I was so embarrassed about it, I took it very personally when anyone commented about my driving and If I made a mistake, Thats it! It felt so bad, I felt like crying. Even small things like someone honking at me was enough to derail my entire driving. I used to actually become shit driver after a mistake. Why?

This changed after I got my own car.   But was it just own car?

The difference is moving from beginner to expert. Now in my mind I am expert. Its not "I think" or "I Know" but "I am" a good driver. So nothing shakes me, mistakes dont make me "bad driver",  I just make a mistake.  Previously even if I got a honk I used to become a "bad driver" 

How to make this change in life!?  How to become like this in life.. for everything!  Decisions and actions (Mistakes or not) shouldn't make me incompetent, ineffective or a bad cook  or bad painter or bad wife, bad daughter, bad person or shit person,  shouldn't make me somehow less...

How to make this transition? How to be expert at living ? :D

No Shabari :-)

There is no Shabari in my life!
To find my sweet fruits, I should taste the bitter ones and spit them out myself.
So start Tasting :)

NO FEAR FOR FAILURE! AJA FIGHTING!

ps: Lucky bugger that Rama ! :-) 

Shower scene

Oh yeah! Shower scenes in movies. ( Why do I feel like I have written it before? but it is not turning up in search? )
I was watching one of these old 80s movies on TV, Shower scene..Shower.. water ...steam... woman...boobs! *me rolls eyes*  steamy,  lechy scene, so common in these old movies, even when they are rated 12 .
That's when I realised! Oh my god! How long has it been since I have seen a woman in a shower scene! These days Its  always men isnt it? ( I am not complaining ;-) At all ;-P )Korean dramas,  Hollywood,  even Bollywood, 6 packs biceps men!  How things have changed and how we have come a long way.
It is womens empowerment in a way.  It shows the powers that be have realised that women have pockets too ( or purses! Grr ! thats another rant post ) Pleasing the women  brings in the bucks.
In the 80s the movies are so clearly a mans world,Women are there in the movies as support only and as enjoyment. Butt and Boob shots, upskirts galore!  They just dont seem to care for the women who are in front of the screen watching. The hero, even if he is so hot doesnot take his shirt off !!!

I remember clearly when the tides turned. I was there for it. It was the 90s. Lara Croft 2. I am in the theater, Shower scene, Same ...Shower .. water.. steam .. The theater is going crazy - waiting for wet and nude Angelina Jolie! I am rolling my eyes! These guys! ha! Then surprise!  Its Daniel Craig! Tada!   That was the moment, Turning point in history!  The theater was silent for a few seconds before they started booing! LOL! I was really Rolling on the floor laughing. Servers them right ! These Lecherous Bs :-))
Now. There is cheering when Hritick or Tiger are in the shower even by the guys! :-) Its a body builders world after all :-)
Times have changed so much for the better :-D

Quote from Tibetan book of living and dying

Rest in natural great peace
This exhausted mind
Beaten helpless by karma and neurotic thought
Like the relentless fury of the pounding waves
In the infinite ocean of samsara

old

This is annoying me. Why is old a bad word?
Why is it so common to think that old is bad and young is good?
It is more annoying because of the attitude of westerners to old, Its almost like a swear word or a cuss word and causes great deal of offence!
I have respect for old/older people. Where as young people below 25 are arrogant, clueless and mostly stupid. I like myself better as I get older!  40 year old me is so much more awesome than the 25 year old me.  I would never trade being 40 for being 25. Am I missing something?
Thinking that 25 is awesome because of having a sexier/stronger body or whatever is so superficial.

Has this always been like this? In the hierarchical world, may be 50 years ago when age automatically meant respect and lot more powers than younger was age still a bad word? Did people want to be older then? I would imagine so.
I also feel this kind of ageism is( was ) not so common in India, probably because of the hierarchy thing. Where as in the west the emphasis on outward looks/beauty/appearance is  immense (may be due to the rise of advertising and capitalism in 1800s)
Or Is it same like beauty/sexy thing which others feel but I am missing being wired differently? Is it that, in-spite of all that respect for elders etc  Indians also would love to be 25 ?

Also One thing I am ignoring is old is getting closer to death and decay, it also implies gradual degradation. Fear of death is apparently one of the biggest fears.
I am also afraid of growing old. Its a time of great change and I am afraid of how I cope. I (  I realise I am some how very optimistic and believe that I will live a long life, ha ha! ;)  find myself thinking about preparing for old age, not just with pension and money, but things like I need to be more in control of emotions in adversity and pain, I need to have self respect and identity even when I am retired and not having a job, I need to have spirituality to occupy me in old age, I need equanimity to deal with the world which will be probably moving ahead of me etc etc. yes mostly preparing my mind because if mind if strong we can deal with anything and yes body as well but that is not in our control that much. 

Experience discomfort, instead of avoiding. Learn to actually feel it and be with it.

This is discipline

This is mindfulness

This is resilience

Effort goals

Should we make our goals By saying what I will do rather than what I will achieve? based on effort instead of the result? Because frankly efforts are in our hands and result is - Insha Alla, if god willing. i.e it depends on lot of other factors outside our control.

Instead of saying I will lose 10 kg, say I will workout 5 hours a week and eat healthy. The end .
Not  I will workout 5 hours a week and eat healthy so that I lose 10 kg?

Do women drive badly?

Lady Driver ! - I want to put that as my bumper sticker :-) As a warning! :-O  like the baby on board stickers :-) I think its very funny. I know its sarcastic but I dont know if its a take on  sexists or feminists or both :D

Anyway coming to the question - Do women drive badly ? Is it true?
https://mystic-babe.blogspot.com/2014/02/reasoning.html 

I decided to not go by stereotype like people who blindly believe that women drive badly and also to not be affected by liberal blindness and feminist rage :D. People like me so firmly believe in equality that we dont see reality staring us in the face.

I decided to notice other people, take note of the drivers who annoy me who drive badly etc.  I love finding patterns, and I am good at it.

Are all women bad drivers? definitely not.  I drive daily, I drive well for the record. ok but  are all bad drivers women? Definitely not ....but..


Firstly, Genuinely bad and dangerous drivers who are a threat to people on the streets, those to jump lanes, drive too fast, cut you off , weave in traffic etc. Mostly were men. Almost 99% men,  white vans and buses( this sometimes driven by women) , professional drivers who drive every day and a lot, who are exhausted frustrated and couldn't care less. ( but not Uber drivers ) And also young men under 25. I will be politically incorrect and say many of these were Black and Asian men, trying to be cool with beard/jewellery etc. ( This may be due to the area I drive in or whatever )
So the Stereotype is completely false? No actually.
There is another type of bad driver, the annoying driver. They are not exactly a threat on the street, but they raise your BP, They irritate the fuck out of you and make u swear more than the first group because you are too stunned to swear at a real bad driver :D They driver slowly, really slowly, They break suddenly, they stop at the orange light, they turn without indicator or give wrong indicator, they look like they are going to turn but wont.  What is the profile of these? Old people, both  men and women. Very old like all white hair types usually.  and women.  Political incorrectness time again, They were either mums doing school run or  Muslim women in hijab. 
So! Do women drive badly? No!
Do muslim women in Hijab drive badly then? No!
Clearly the main reason for this kind of driving is lack of confidence.  These people are not driving daily, even if they are may be not having equal standing in society affects our confidence and ability to drive?
Did women driver badly in 70s? probably, They had more unequal standing in the society and hence probably lacked confidence.
In my view, Its not lack of spatial awareness or direction sense, its confidence that made women drive badly at the time.
My conclusion is all generalizations have a grain of  truth in it, but it is superficial truth. Instead of just going by numbers and statistics and coming to stupid conclusions, people should delve deeper and look at the root cause or real reason for issues in the spirit of true scientific enquiry.

Not Shy about being Shy,

 I am free to be shy, I dont have to feel bad about not talking, not saying that hi, not asking that question. I am free to stay in that corner , quite and not interacting. Yeah! not Shy about being shy.

Extreme/Excess?

This annoys me like hell, like health and safety does. I dont have a name for this. May be it can be called Excess or greed? or indulgence? I want it - I get it?

When I was a kid I liked pink. So, my parents got me one pink dress or may be 2. Now, girls like pink, So EVERYTHING is pink.  Dress to bicycle to shoes to underwear and toilet paper!!! Pink!!!
When I was a kid I liked Dosa, So "when" my mom made Dosa I was happy and ate happily without fuss. I enjoyed it. Now if kids like Chicken, it means they dont eat anything else but eat only chicken. They eat chicken everyday,every meal. Whatever is cooked at home, chicken is cooked for them!
Garlic is good for us - Indian cuisine, add garlic to some foods, Westerners - take a garlic tablet every day!!
Meat makes us strong, we should eat protein, So now we invent Keto diet! we will eat only protein. Carbs ? Eeeeeks!!!! We treat it as if its shit or poison.
Make up makes us look good, We used to wear makeup on special occasions, but now people wear makeup every day. Some even when swimming - water proof makeup. False lashes, fake nails? Fake hair attachments?  This was the realm of movie stars and stage artists. Normal day to day people didnt feel the need to "Dress up" like this.
If you liked shiny clothes, Ok you could wear it for weddings and functions. Today, glitter is in every thing from my eraser to toilet paper :P Thanks for all the micro plastic pollution ppl!
Intimacy - from the age 15 to death, we want someone to f***. In relationship fine, if not pick someone from the pub/tinder or friend with benefits!?

All this is same thing , We dont want to control cravings and we are slaves to it. In this society, Controlling our wants and especially controlling the wants of children is seen as some kind of cruel abuse! *rolls eyes*

phone camera

Thinking about my past in early 2000s I was going for horse riding and Kalari martial art, was really excited about it and about treks too. Very few others did and were even interested. Only thing people were interested in was - did u meet anyone :) Felt like the reason to do anything any class or trek or hobby was to meet someone. :-)  There was a culture of treks, photography etc in Bangalore, no doubt but it was niche.
Now u find everyone wants to do all these things, This explosion of interest coincides with Facebook and Instragram . A judgemental thought comes to my mind - Is it that people got inspired by seeing others pictures  and are doing things Or are people more interested in posting the pics and increase their interesting quotient than actually doing it?
If people stop looking at what they are doing, how many are still interested?
I think its also the need to fit in, lot of people do lot of things because everyone else is doing it. In contrast some people do a lot of things just because no one else is doing ( yours truely may be guilt of that at times ;-)

Also I remember how kids looked when we were small, especially boys, they had summer cut, basically so short no one shud be able to pull it when they fight :) Standard T shirt and shorts, no one cared how they look. We dressed up only for Photo days - once or twice in a year.
Now lil kids are fashionistas, even boys, toddlers with their little suits and ties, Boys seem to have designer haircuts, look so much more expensive than mine ! Is this the effect of constantly having a camera? Parents are under presentation pressure?

Stars and celebrities used to live under the glare of the camera and media before and lead a stressful life, Now have we become like that in our day to day life?
How much of our life is for the camera? Should we get rid of the camera on the phone as an experiment and see?

In love with flaws

See, my name on the passport is completely messed up - My real first name is my passport last name, my real last name is my passport middle name and my real middle name has become my first name. So now my name has become - Bangalore. The name of my city , no ! The Ex name of my city. My city in the meantime has changed its own name and become Bengaluru! LOL!

Now I had decided when I get a new passport made, I will correct this mess. I will drop the silly city name and have only first name - last name. But when the time came ... It turns out I LIKE it like this, I couldnt bring myself to drop any part of my name, nor correct the order. I left it like it is. Let it be.. Its mine. ( Teda hai par mera hai?! KurKure? :-P  )

I have a big scar on my knee from an accident right across it. It is big and Ugly believe me. Some people look at it and say - you know u can get this fixed! I felt  What? I love it. It makes me feel brave, even tho it is only accident scar, not a brave warrior scar or saving some one scar,   I can still pretend interesting adventures behind it, I used to like showing it to kids also - that was before Jimmy Savellie, 😄 Dont think its inappropriate but still these days.. :D

Same with 3 chicken pox marks on my face - they are very light... I used to like the red and black moles on my dad,  I am getting them now and I like them.. and the skin tags on my face! LOL! I can get them removed... but...My eyes decieve me and tell me they look nice... like freckles look nice.. :-P Dont think these are nice tho, to other people!

When my light mustache grows, my eyes tell me that imperfection(??)  makes me look young and  innocent and carefree.

and Oh yeah the Glasses! This comes first even before the name I think. How many times have I thought I should just go for Lasik! its easy not that expensive safe etc! but... I seem to like my flawed eye... I like wearing glasses, Its me!!! To struggle to look for glasses in the morning, to look geeky and unkempt, to be paranoid about what will happen if my glasses break and Mummy comes chasing me!!!  😄

Even weight , as soon as I get slightly slimmer, oh no I am getting too thin, oh no I am getting anorexic ! not at 62 kilos for my height! LOL! There is no chance in hell of me becoming anorexic! with my love for food!! but still ..I guess its the love of my fat.

I hope I grow to like my wrinkles and tumours like this when( :-P If? :-O ;-) )  I grow old 😄

I am generally forgiving of many flaws which matter to other people.. few specks of paint on a dress, a little tear, a chip, a scratch, a spelling mishtake ...There may be somethings which I am not forgiving of which others are like sexism, arrogance, white lies,  illogical story lines, fake news ... :D  Thats a different story! This is different.

I am so attached my self Image- that too physical, I feel. Only THIS feels like me! True yoga is getting beyond all identity. Am I a yogi?  Getting beyond identity would be not caring either way. I think I am like that at times.. may be I dont care enough to fix these "flaws" and not "attached" to my identity, you know 😋 I may still be yogi 😋

metoo?

Everyone is saying me too, because its too easy. Especially when everyone else has already said it.
Saying Me!!!  is the thing, It is the hardest! The first few  me toos take courage! after that - ya ya you too- thats what you are...  Meeh tooo


Edit: It would be nice(?! not "nice"! LOL!  more impactful may be ) if I had left it at this.. but ! Oh man (feminist!? :-D or .. ) rant after a long time
Its not just this, Its anger about  everyone who stands behind other waiting for them to do the right thing, everyone who plays it safe. Especially women! Who play tactical, who "manage" things, who carry on wanting to be seen "good women" who dont cause any "trouble".
This anger is about all those women and girls who stood behind my back and didnt even say me too - When I stood up to things, be it sexism or anything else, those silly girls who giggled when a boy lifted their skirts and giggled when I slapped him and then ran to tell about it.
About all those who make me question myself wondering if I should just let it be too?
About all those kids who hid behind my back when I stole Vaada from the kitchen, who ate it but didnt have the spine to stand up when we were caught. Why were most of these kids girls?

Yes It took a lot of courage for many to say me too but why didnt u say me??? Is this why ppl say things like dont u have balls? Does it really count? Do I have them  ;-) invisible as they may be?

Edit again: As it inevitably happens understanding happened ( or the desire to not look like a jerk to the world happened? ;-) )   I realised that just like I lack some skills which others posses like being nice may be, or connecting with people, or understanding other peoples emotions - Other may people lack skills like standing up and being brave. So we are even! ok?

Vaanaprastha

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vanaprastha

Vaanaprastha is this the solution to the aging population problem?
better than this https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%84ttestupa ;-)

This also gives a feeling of relief when thinking about the future which seems to extend for long time. How long will my old age be? Whether I will have money, meaning goal etc... these kind of questions are answered. atleast for me, Its good to put an end date to our pursuits.?

My thoughts were already running along these lines when I started thinking about how you would live if you knew u had an expiry date( hehe literally ;-) ).
We have technology and we can indeed live very long lives, but there is stress involved in that, you will live long but we may not be earning.  Save to save for indefinite old age, with indefinite set of health problems, who will take care? Burden on the younger generation etc etc. Old times people had children as support for old age and then now we have pension schemes. Its all not that grim really, but The idea of winding down life style and needs and going into spiritual pursuits is very attractive.

What is VanaPrastha? It means heading toward forest. In old days when any person had their first grand child, it was assumed that they had finished all their worldly responsibilities and they were eligible to go into spiritual pursuits. Go to the forest and live in an ashram, studying or worshiping etc. Some people chose this, some people stayed with families interpreting vanaprastha as handing over responsibility.
If we decide that at certain age - say 55 I will retire in the true sense, if I dont have any responsibilities. Then take up full time meditation. So we dont need a pension or money. If you fall sick in small ways you can get a cure , but if you need care - no care is available just like for wild animals, its The end.
Is it so bad?
Are we holding on too tight to life? Is it ok to let go? Is it even possible in this age - when cure is available for almost everything? Does it feel like suicide to not take advantage of this?
 In a world where Partners in firms who die as soon as they retire at 55 due to lack of purpose.  Is Vanaprastha like giving up?Vanaprashta is not giving up, Its more like change of focus. Climbing Everest and running marathon can be done as part of Vanaprastha no?
Will it be hard to give up on the current life style or wind down? If you are going to live to be 100 then can we live doing meditation for 40 years?

What is the difference between old age home and Vaanaprastha?

would you go to school if...

How hard parents try to train their children and craft their life, to make it better for them. So many classes and school and making their life hell :-D
And my cat? I just let him be, no school! no training, he is fed and he sleeps and chills out :D life is so much fun for him :-D
 I wonder if I am letting him do what I want  because he will live only 10 years... if  a kid was like that, life span of just 10 years would parents send him to school? or would the kid live like a pet? what if it was 25?would the priorities be same if they knew kid would live for only 40?

How would people bring up their kids if they knew for sure that the kid would live for 40 years only,  How would I live if I knew for certain that I would live only 40 years? Or 50? or only 10 more years?
How would I live if my death was decided and a certain event? I mean it is, but if I knew the time and date?


MaranaSati 
Buddhism has a meditation on contemplating death, that it can happen any moment, today or in another week or next year, not just ours but our loved ones as well.   It is so easy to forget this in this modern world, Also we avoid thoughts like this like plague.
I dont know the answers to the above questions? I can guess that if we had knowledge of shorter life we would probably spend time more enjoyably?  or not.

I should contemplate on that.

ps: Its not easy to contemplate death, we have some kind of firm belief that we will live for ever i think, I intellectually know and can think those things but I do not experience it. It feels like something that can happen to others but not me, like war, poverty etc :-O

priorities

This is how our priorities are. This is the information from 1998. Today I can only imagine that spending on materialistic things has gone up exponentially.  Time to rethink our spending - not money wise but in terms of actual cost to earth.

http://www.worldwatch.org/node/764

Amount of money needed each year (in addition to current expenditures) to provide reproductive health care for all women in developing countries	$12 billion
Amount of money spent annually on perfumes in Europe and the United States	$12 billion
Amount of money needed each year (in addition to current expenditures) to provide water and sanitation for all people in developing nations	$9 billion
Amount of money spent annually on cosmetics in the United States	$8 billion
Amount of money needed each year (in addition to current expenditures) to provide basic health an nutrition needs universally in the developing world	$13 billion
Amount of money spent each year on pet food in Europe and the United States	$17 billion
Amount of money needed each year (in addition to current expenditures)  to provide basic education for all people in developing nations	$6 billion
Amount of money spent each year on militaries worldwide	$780 billion

health and safety

We are over cautious these days! The level of health and safety in current day western world almost feels like dystopia. "Mind the Gap"  "You are approaching the end of the escalator" ( Ok may be this is for blind (I am not calling them visually impaired! )  Caution written on plain plastic bag. People not planting flowers because bees will bite their baby. Children below 11 accompanied by adults at all times!

I feel like has the society lost faith in human common sense and intelligence? Or I wonder if this is a side effect of loss of belief in God?
Did belief is god allow people to live a free but ( may be slightly more risky) life?
Like They say in NLP, it does not matter if a belief is true, it just has to be beneficial to you. I kind of cant accept this I want the true truth :D but I see the merit in this. I have seen people live very stress free life, leaving the worrying to God.

When we believe in God, do we indirectly believe in our biology, genetics and evolution?  and is that what we have lost faith in , in recent times.

I was swimming in the river and my brother was tossing stones into it ;-) deadly combination, a stone hit me, right between my eyes , 1 mm and I would have been hit in the eye. I have seen a lot of near misses to the eye. Is that pure luck? or god?  I believe its our instincts. I must have seen the stone and jerked the head just a lil bit to miss the eye. Not soon enough to avoid the stone completely but just enough to avoid the eye?

Driving in Bangalore makes me feel the same, People turn into streets without looking, no one is using rear view mirrors. Still the number of accidents is low, the number of near misses is many times over the accidents. I joked that I started believing in god after driving here. Its not co-incidence is it ? Its again our instincts which are saving us?
Babies falling from high places and surviving, We do not appreciate our minds and bodies enough, its 3 billion years old technology with constant improvement! Its miraculous . We are insulting this by lame health and safety.

falling off the wagon

"Falling off the wagon is inevitable, Should just learn to get back up quickly!"
Gyan! very apt gyan  from yours truly after falling off the wagon and wallowing in guilt and regret upon gaining 3 kg in 1 month, out of which 1 kg was in one week :D

It is true isn't it? It will happen, after few days, few months or few years. More likely than not, may be after 11 years... even u will fall off. Its fine. Just Get back on it with out fuss as fast as possible.
So Slow, this is very hard, have to start from scratch etc etc thoughts will come , so what?
Is there any other option?

Experiment ;-)

Elementary

Line of duty

Body guard

True detective

Brooklyn 99

I didnt know it myself but my fav genre is Police dramas :)  Comedy, action, thriller, investigation, In everyform!  :) 

Be gone! Hesitation

1) Its perfectly ok to take an OK decision rather than a perfect Decision.
2) In most cases the cost of changing a decision is less than delaying the decision. ( provided we have done some ground work before, which I always do)
3) In many cases the lesson from mistakes pays for the cost of the mistake. ( Provided we have done the ground work ) Also mistake is like that first scratch on the car, it lets us relax.

my 100th painting will be wonderful.

Tell me a story

Audio books

I remember that day long ago 2011, when I was going in the tube and wanted to hear stories. I remembered by parents telling me stories in my childhood and wanted it again. I searched for stories and realised I can listen to audio books, Then came the London library and my first book Zahir by Paulo Coehlo!

How I loved it, Its been a long journey and 100s of audio books ( :-P May be 30 atleast? ) How I loved listening to Poisonwood bible in Kew Gardens. I walked the whole day listening to the book. 5-6 hours!  Slummy mummy - which made me laugh the most in the tube.

How I love them, Now I drive with audible .  There are lot of fillers for sure, Agatha Raisin and Alexander McCall Smith. Though I really like Alexander McCall Smith.  but then there are wonders. The Gene, That was enlightening and The Secret Garden,  I think I listen more than I read now...because its 2 hours a day dedicated to listening :-)

My love of listening to stories had definitely been satisfied :)

measure and display progress

This is one thing that is missing in my self development journey
Some people would say this is not required, you dont have to measure, you just go with the flow.
but at this point in my life I feel like I have tried and left everything half way. I am a magpie who is going after every new trend. like I have not really made any progress at all
May be this will help me stick to one thing and progress in that instead of being a jack of all, and master of none.
Reminder of this half year will be about measurement and tests and progress charts.
I did think about this before, that in school we achieved so much because we had a timetable a syllabus and tests ( I love tests ;-) I am like Harmoine! Okay :P )
so I guess some kind of discipline is required to actually show progress.
so it shall be.

know our future?

When you approach a fortune teller ( ;-) Like u do ) 
Dont ask, Will this happen?
Ask What aspect of me shud I change to achieve this!
Because Future is not a fixed path,  its an infinite field of possibilities.
  - Jessica Macbeth in Faery Oracle

Manifesting and affirmation

Okay okay u may think its woo woo and all but I think I figured how to do it!  Not that it worked so far ;-)

So the big kick was when I was listening to Becoming Supernatural by Joe Dispenza. He gave two examples of  how doing things in the mind actually affects the body and our brain structure.

One physical example is experiments where olympic athletes practice in their mind and it helps in real world. Read this
https://www.businessinsider.com/olympic-athletes-and-power-of-visualization-2015-1?r=US&IR=T
I have done this when I had knee pain when I went to yoga.

Second example for other not physical outcome, such as having more money, better job or relationship or for emotions like to feel happy, feel gratitude etc.
Basically the same thing, basically told by every affirmation book. BUT ... difficult to digest isn't it? Somehow was never convinced about this before, even tho I was convinced about the first one since day one.
However when this guy said it clicked.
When u visualise the other life situation you want, you should make the energy of your body - match the thoughts. Its not just seeing your self in a situation but also feeling it.  When we think the new thoughts, we should make ourself  mind feel like the outcome has happened.
First we need to cut the connection to the default feeling how imagining a situation brings about
For example, talking to new people. you feel a dread.
If you say affirmations, I am good with people. 10,000 times but feel the dread, nothing is going to work.
but if you say I am good with people then notice the dread, feel it , cut it out and replace with good feeling ( which is hard part- may be do loving kindness meditation ?) then this will become reality.

This is also not new, but may be how he explained it, clicked.

Feelings are chemicals and hormones secreted when we think certain thoughts,  and we feel this in our body. Emotions are felt in the body at different locations.  So He says, when we think in a certain way, it makes our body feel in certain way, and because we are feeling like this, our brain scans for more similar kind of thoughts and these in turn reinforce the same feeling. In time, this link to thoughts and feelings becomes hard wired in our brain.  It becomes the default neural path. By the time we are 30-35 most of the situations are hard coded like this. So we do the same things with the same outcomes.
To change our situation we need to break this link. and create a new pathways in the brain, which makes our body feel differently with the same thoughts.
The situation we are in, is definitely what we have attracted, if we want to create a new situation we should feel in a new way, in our body, or we will convert any situation to the old way.

So manifesting will totally work, but done in the right way.
First step to my manifestation training, is training to feel gratitude and love. I am going 28 days of gratitude. then I will move to loving kindness meditation once a week ( twin hearts is also great ) That should give enough practice to elevate my feelings at will,
In the mean time also notice and pay attention to how certain things make my body feel , then once I am aware I can try to replace them.
wow!! this is really exciting, It will work, first visualisation is to visualise that this works! Its recursive as shit and amazing!!! 

Konmari our life?

What would happen if we Marie Kondo our life?
Marie Kondo is this lady who is kind of revolutionising cleaning up our homes and decluttering.  She, based on Japanese Shinto ideology advocates keeping at home only those things that you love and cherish and let go all the other things which u have but dont need/use etc. You hold on to each thing and then u ask yourself does this spark joy - If yes you keep it , if not u let it go.
So If you continued with this ideology and did the same to your life ...  your relationships ! your job! your tasks!! What would be left?

( I know, I know, this kind of ruthless thinking is why people are shocked and run away when I open my mouth and this is why this blog is secret ;-) )