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11 December 2012

old crone


I m a gran ol lady of 75
I have a broom and a pointy hat
and ol black cat

herbs and books
and comfy sofas
a roaring fire
n soft warm slippers

lots of love from people gone and still around
I m a gran old lady loved by all
I m  a naughty old lady with a twinkle in her eye
I m  a happy  old lady with a wicked toothless smile :)
oh I m beautiful allright ;)

weird old lady feared by kids down the block
they call me a witch and run when they see me
I seduce them with apples from my garden
and then some more with my wicked tales :)

I m a sharp old lady with a very quick  wit
I m a kind old lady with heart of gold

I look back on my days long gone past
with some regret and some joy

oh Ive done it all
oh Ive done it all

What have u done granny the kids ask me
what made your life so wonderful

Ive seen the days when life was free
there was no internet and no electricity

I swam in the seas when I was afraid
I ran right back but I went in again anyway

Ive travelled by train by sitting by the open door
Ive climbed trees wearing short skirts and I dont care :D



I have been my own best friend ( this is intellectual and not from my heart)

tell us more granma tell us more

Ive been to places big and small
Ive been to places high and cold
and warm and crowded
and I have always eaten untill my stomach was full :D

Ive seen it all
Ive seen it all
Ive been loved and Ive loved a lot

why do u cry granma why do u cry
we love u so, but why do u cry

Ive seen sweetness which has touched my heart
Ive seen love and tenderness
Ive been lucky
Ive been blessed by god
I thank him so
I love him so

then why do u cry granma, why do u cry
hes been kind

tell us more tell us more
tell us your secrets  tell us your passion
tell us those things which u shouldnt have done :D
u did anyway

Ive been a good girl I dont like it that much

come on tell us granma, secrets we have not

I m an old lady and I forget a lot :-P ( granma being crafty and not tellin me! )

and what u regret to this day?
what would you differently if u got another chance

Id live a little more
Id be more bold
Id take what I wanted without caring some more
Id be less afraid
Id care lot less
Id be free and fly and not look down :D
Id love with more passion
Id be less afraid
Id go grab life by its neck and ride on it
Id rip thru life
Ive been a quite old lady but Id be a wild one if I got another chance
I held back a lot, Id probably just let myself go









fish tank

fish tank - when I was in high school, me and my bro could see neighbours fish tank from my parents bedroom window.. I have never loved any fishtank more than that one.. so relaxing and so exiting at the same time. all we cud make out was orange and black fishes.. gold fish I think cause we were seeing from about 100 feet away : ) they used to leave the tank light on and switch off all lights... ah! will my own tank make me feel so good as that one?

ha ha ! No,, Own fish tank was damn annoying, the constant hum of the filter just got on my nerves like nothing else. Gave away the fishes and the tank for good. 

population evolution marriage etc

[Old post - 2009]
Human women(!!!! hehe! Human females? I think I mean) are continuously breeding.
Chimps have a baby once in 5 years in the wild, same with the other apes... and people??? They would have a child every damn year. spreading across the whole earth like viruses to quote matrix.
women are particularly vulnerable, I mean every other species female is quite capable of taking care of the young all by herself or with the help of other females. Not so in the humans.
Both chimps and bonobos are polygamous. Offspring are spaced at 3-5 years difference, female is capable of bringing up the itself or with the help of other females. Not so in humans cause the offspring are spaced only years apart if not regulated! why was this? 
I think this was because..
Humans almost reached extinction some 1000s of years ago(According to one Nat Geo feature), only a few thousand individuals were left, I think this period heavily favored the fast reproducing genes in humans, has mostly shaped reproductive cycle and also the society.
female - will reproduce as many as possible. the society will take care to see that these survive. In this process, It didnt matter if the female was strong enough to take care of the young only the frequency mattered.
This also lead to dependency on the male, the females who were dependent on the male were able to produce more surviving offspring than those that were independent. Also as a corollary those males that did support and provide for their offspring had more success with their genes than the lazy (? :P) ones. Those groups which adopted this mode, to support and feed the female and young as community must have survived.  I think this is probably what tipped off the almost extinct species to bounce back...but as a down side this produced high fertility( which wasn't a problem until medical science made so much progress that everyone survives) and also prevented weeding out of complicated pregnancy genes, even if the mother died her kids survived and carried on the bad genes.

Polygamy v/s Monogamy, Polyandry
Monogamy is suited for a place where there is plenty but it needs hard work to get it. like Europe. They had more higher quality food than us(tropical people), but it required hunting, lot of effort. one male couldn't probably support more than one female . also the females need to more independent and strong in such environment,  following the hunters, as they followed deer/bison herd migrations with seasons, for long distances, Endure hard weather...Thats why Scandinavian British women as almost as tall and strong as the men. number of offspring is lesser. few but better quality offspring. The risk of death of well provided offspring and mother is less due to disease. Independent families, easier for each family to feed themselves.
Polygamy is suited for a very fertile and abundant place, where it is easy to provide for food but has a high death toll by diseases. The probability of a strong kid dying is same as a weak kid, It makes more sense to have smaller but many more kids, so loss is minimized when any one dies.  Polygamy  is the most efficient way to grow. Thats why its used in chicken/sheep farms. Popular in China, India -  middle east and Africa. Value for women and children is less in such a situation. The focus is on number and than quality. Each man can have 10 wives and 10 children each.. probably 7 out of the children died in their childhood due to diseases. So women were almost always breeding,  They are weaker, less independent, agriculture and therefore more settled lifestyles.  Large joint families.


In some places like middle east and central Asia  even tho climate was bad,land not fertile - there is polygamy. I think because of  higher competition men clashed and died a lot more than women?  I think middle east has polygamy because of frequent wars, India china and Africa because they can afford it.

Polyandry - results in female taking care of the offspring - unless all the husbands are related. Its seen in Tibet and north east... its more suitable for a population that does not want to grow and keep a stable population because resources/space are scarce and there is no scope for growth.

The main aim of marriage or partnership is to rise offspring, humans love cause humans who loved raised more live offspring than those who didnt. Marriage has existed for millenia cause married couples rise more children than unmarried. Even in cultures which support polygamy, marriage or formalization of the partnership exists indicating it is necessary for survival. We are animals after all. community care of children will work only if the community consists of genetically similar - relatives/ sisters etc.. cause our genes are selfish, we are still animal enough to care about these things. The society or culture or our group psyche does not care about individual  happiness, it only cares about the continuation of the species successfully. Atleast until now. 

8 December 2012

Insha Alla - If god willing.

Insha Alla - If god willing.
I love something about that phrase!
Its as if you are fitting in with world and being gentle about your wishes..
It will happen if god willing - you are acknowledging the fact that u can not be in control of everything. It may be also acknowledges that we may not know enough to wish what is best for us and let the best which "god" knows may happen. At least in my mind its like that. Its very subtle and nice..
Its not about a god who is willing and unwilling things... its more like being  willing to go with the flow.

I have seen this attitude in old time kannadigas( Gentlest and sweetest people on earth) actually in all old timers - people slightly older than my parents.( err kannadiga or old timer may not the right word grr, but u know who I mean)  ..I dono if there was a phrase for it.. yella devara ichhe? or something my grandma used to say..usually when bad things happened.
( not in character for me, but I do admire that attitude) 

have to or want to?


 It is important to match the wording with how we feel. Have gotten into habit of saying "have to" ...
I "have to" go to this party - wrong. I want to go.. Or I m going.
I realised "have to"  is adding unnecessary drag to doing things,even those I like. It is just words but unconsciously it adds this drag!!  I procrastinate a bit just because it is "have to"!!
Yeah! true!
even for things like drinking water at night when I thirsty
I think - I have to drink water and I m still lying there :-P  then I asked myself "have to or want to?" immediately got up! :-D
Strange! :)
Sometimes the answer is really "have to" n I dont want to - then probably just dont to it or atleast I m aware of the genuine not wanting!

5 December 2012

( ah u knew it wouldn't rhyme? :-p)

I may not be a CEO
or a VP with 2 kids
(and I write horrid poems ;o)
but now I dont go so low
and I bounce up back fast! touch wood!
I have grown oh I have so grown
I m ready to open my wings
and fly really high
I m ready to open my heart
and go crazy n wild
I love me!
:-D 

3 December 2012

where are the emotions felt?

in the torso mostly throat, heart, solar plexus and gut!

sad - throat, very sad in the gut sometimes heart
irritation chest
anger chest
fear chest stomach
anxiety - heart/chest/stomach churn

warmth - heart
fuzzy good feel - heart
lightness - heart - at least it may just be the absence of all those bad feelings
excitement - solar plexus stomach - butterflies in stomach remember?

sometimes its easy to confuse acidity/stomach ache with anxiety
urgency to go to the loo with excitement( I mean I m being frank here come on! :P )

If u notice them ultimately emotions are all physical sensations after all not very easy to place and locate but still the same.

28 November 2012

no one sees us

Antony Demello says
People dont really see you, they see the image of you they have created in their head.. and most of the time peoples opinion of u has very little to do with u..
Dont take critisim too seriosuly they are critising the image in their head or because their mood is bad.. so true.. most times people are pissy and angry and they critize ...
he says same with compliments.. so true.. I compliment people more when "I" am happy :-D

Very good example of how people dont see us at all
 I and my friend went to the shop to buy some groceries. The shopkeeper lady all of a sudden started complimenting my friend- you are so fair and pretty and then to me.. why are u not like your sister - you dark ugly thing!!!  
WTF!  you bitch!  :-D ok I din say that to her, but I did cursed her  and called her a devil and a witch and all that with my friend. I ve always hated the indian "dark" discrimination.
but it confused me,  I am "fair"... That comment was not meant for me at all.. it was meant for my friends real sister! :-O She was not ugly but definitely dark!!!  * shock *. I still remember this and makes me very uncomfortable, some people were so mean to kids. sibling comparison about looks is so sick. Ive heard friendly comments like nin tamma hero thara iddane, neen yaake dumma and all. :(  This was a mean spirited comment which did hurt me, I guess Lucky it was me rather than her.  
The point is, This woman had some grudge with the sister and planned a retort  - I m going to say this and this. She probably couldnt wait to see her after that, As soon as she saw my friend, her mind told her, she and her sisters  are here. 
She didnt see me at all. she didnt even see me physically - let alone my qualities,subjective things,  she just saw my cousin and this other girl - "her sister". all she saw was her memory.
When aunts treat u like a lil baby even when u are 35,
They tell u You are so skinny :D when u are actually plump like a tomato.
Every time I go to bangalore I buy funky bracelets and chains for my brother, he stopped wearing them 5 years ago :) 
gifts- people bring in small 5 year old s frock for a teenager? :) 
all same syndrome.

no one sees you, they see thru their mental patterns and memory, god know where in the past they are stuck.  Same with us, I would judge someone based on memory and  not the present most times. 
So when someone gives you feedback, Take it with a pinch of salt..



are we going too fast

Standing by the door in a train! I was thinking most trains are getting too fast these days to do that..
going by bike feeling the breeze in the hair too , cant do traffics too fast to go without helmet
triples on scooter cant do,
Motorways ... :(
It was nice when things were a bit slow, when we could not only go from place to place but also enjoy the view in between...
may be not just journeys but life too?
Am I too old and hankering for good ol days?  :) 

24 November 2012

learn from the babes


she loves autos, they are noisy and colorful :)
delighted by traffic :)
loves the red light on the mouse? and on the charger! :)
tin box, scarp of paper :)
when did we stop loving these things and start thinking they are irritating? :) why are we so mistaken about our world? :) :) 
I danced with the faeries! ye! :)

21 November 2012

how we value life

At least how I value life
ours is most important. i.e humans > animal. mostly.
In human..babies and women more than men.
our country people more than enemy
developed country more than developing.. ( :(  not me but true for most people )
200 killed in USA v/s 10,000 in Africa

Tree more than plant more than grass  - points based on longevity/size/rarity/usefulness

intelligent animal more than dumb animal
carnivore more than herbivore.. usually this is more like  smart v/s dumb
eg: elephant is important but not cow/deer etc
shark v/s seal always seal even tho shark eats seal
so its usually smarter - more value

 fish /reptile less than bird less than mammal
small size easily reproducing less than big size / slow reproducing
eg: giant turtle v/s rabbit.. giant turtle wins..
cuteness also matters to certain extent only
squirrel  cute but..
pet animals greater than  farm animals greater than wild( for villagers ) :)
wild greater than pet greater than farm - city people

insects are always low - even if huge. except may be butterfly
plants greater than insects ? rose greater than cockroach, caterpillar, even butterfly
pests weeds are the lowest - Animal and Plant pest rank equally low? cockroach - parthenium...ok, may be cockroach wins.

I wanted this put on paper before I started reading  "we love some, we hate some , we eat some" psychology of Human Animal interaction.
For now all I could gather was that feelings of humans towards animals is very murky, its not head but heart based!

3 saddest incidents

3 legged doggy in mantralaya dreaming of running
Beggar who asked for biscuit whom I asked to go away and then realised he asked for food and not money but I couldnt find later in allahabad.
The gaudy dressed guy in shankarnag theater, whom I commented about and who probably heard it :( 

Terrorists

Now I understand why Al Qaida bombed world trade centre.
Its not about right or wrong but  Its about why
Justified or not I dono
It is just as unjustified as dropping a bomb on Hiroshima Nagasaki . is there something called less justified and more justified.. It was more shocking because it was an impossible feat and it was done.
After WW2 that was the first time ever that any western world civilians would have faced death like that.

There are lot of things I didn't know 11 years ago when 9/11 happened... for years I have seen Osama and Co as monsters.. but are they?
I knew CIA supplied arms to Afghans to fight Russians.. I knew they are messing with regimes a bit...Still Islamic Terrorists were villains, screwing the whole world.
But my perception has changed only now...after reading Book thief and Half a yellow sun. Strangely  both not about Islamic militancy at all. Book thief is a sweet book about Nazi Germany.  Half a yellow sun is about revolution/Internal war in Nigeria. What happens to people during war is the same, no matter where and what time. The reasons people revolt or go into war are also similar. Someone ends up creating a divide in the minds of people - Us and Them. and then Us wants to destroy them.

West has done so much messing around in Africa/Asia..
proxy regimes - rebel forces-child soldiers
Can they retaliate in anything else other than covert attacks?
That was the only way middle-east or Africa can retaliate. like how Shivaji attacked. Guerilla warfare. He would have been called a Terrorist then.
I can understand - how it must seem to an educated rich clever man like Osama.. how it must frustrate him - seeing west playing around with his country. What would u do? If THEY were doing this to your country, if your kids were killed by a drone? everyday?
Islam and holy Jihad are just words...They are just enemy. They  look strange to us. Thats how enemies always look.. Japanese with their Hara-kiri.. fascist Germans.. they looked strange too.
Ravana and Demons looked strange too.. they were actually just normal people... enemies. thats all. so are terrorists.
:( I dont want to call them terrorists.  warriors.
Is there any difference between pearl harbour and 9/11? Isnt pearl harbour worse because it was  king sanctioned  by a "civilized" country?
I dono anymore...
Killing innocent people is wrong.. but whole world seems to be messing with the whole world.
Terrorists or Soldiers They are all BAD! Actually Govt are Bad, Or may be we are all just one big Dumb humanity!

20 November 2012

fluid present

sleep gyan..

In half sleep - my thoughts went this way -
I behaved "in this way"( forgot what it was!)  today and It worked out well.
I make a record of this and thought I should do this when I get into the same situation - next time.

voice in the head says -
Making patterns like this is rigid, Where as the present is fluid.
Making rules, even if it is "good" rules, distances you from the present and hence from the reality.
You will actually react to a past rather than the present when u do this!

True. react to every situation freshly, not to the past similar situations!

( my subconscious understands and remembers the books I read ;-) good work subconscious!) 

18 November 2012

Faeries

magic magic magic magic :) flying over cities at night make me feel like I m one of those old timers flying on dragons, brooms, magic carpet whatever flying over fire lit castles...magic..
(that song from alladin,,, I love that song for its picturisation)
After dreaming about and craving for dragons and castles and rocky castles on steep hilltops.. I found Simlmarillion in the book shop today :-) hard bound! Ye!! got so excited stumbled and fell! LOL :D

Edit: I went ahead and bought magical feeling  books Faeries, Faeries oracle, and another faeries book - slightly innocent one :D I sit by the river and read them, Its winter and its really spooky.. every gust of wind is spooky now :D like it, like it. winder is more magical after all! isnt it? and I like the street light also more :D when its foggy or rainy even they look like fairy lights, if u use a bit of imagination that is :) 

possessions

collectable.. beautiful things :)
I want to collect things - books
I used to buy books to read.. these days I m tempted to buy books to watch and see, hard bound books..
faery book of drawings... nat geo books..
I want to have things which when I am grandma and I die, small kids will be excited to find
like magic books, fairy statues :) secret drawings, exquisite puzzels.. paintings which make u feel a particular way...beautiful boxes with beautiful things inside :) cuckoo clocks.

actually I want to be that kid who finds good stuff in grandmas house :) thats why I buy old furniture from BHF and get excited about the 1975 news paper in it :) I love antiques, not expensive valuable ones.. just simple ones.. I was so excited to buy a fairy statue.. I was lil disappointed to know it was actually new and not used one :)  I was dreaming that it was with this old witch who could see fairies  and talk to fairies :) who donated all her stuff to Oxfam.. sigh, I think some shop guy donated all the stuff that was not sold to oxfam.
something about used things is very attractive.

more materialistic and lovin it ;)

18 Nov 2012:
Ah Luxury! TK max, beautiful stuff I wouldnt even sniff at original prices.. I m buying them..
I cant believe I d be so crazy about luxury.. but soft puff and powder in such lovely boxes...creamy lotions...soaps 

21 October 2012

materialistic

18:15
Gorgeous fur coat, Lovely boots, Super dry jacket and awesome pumps all from Tk Max at super bargain. Super happy.
20:15:
Pensive.. tomorrow should wake up early.. Sunday over...
:) Where did all the happiness from all these possessions go? :)  Its gone.  din stay the hour.
Actually all the excitement of shopping and finding gems has actually brought me further down than on a normal Sunday evening :) ( thats a knowing smile and not a happy smile :-p)

30 September 2012

magic moments

Some times u wonder if this is really happening
Long ago, Rainy day in Bangalore, I saw a dead eagle in a puddle...:-( it moved,  Not dead, hurt.
Hurt animals are heart breakers, they will most often die on you.
What to do with this guy? no need of heart break, just go, should I take it to a vet? Should I take it home?
I decided Ill take it out of the puddle, give it some water and leave it to its fate. ( I remember wondering if this was a crow would I do this? sometimes our mind acts like a sick bastard full of self doubt! X-( ) Pot seller's tent near by, these guys from Rajasthan - sell plants and pots near Koramangala. I asked one of them for a glass of water...fed a bird a bit and left him in shade  and went off to work.
It didnt leave me alone, this bird. Ok, if the bird was still alive Ill take it home and watch it die! X-( went back.. bird is not there! ah! did it recover and fly away? :-) may be dogs...? no..boy from the shop and me found it hiding behind some rocks.. nice! It could hop now! wow.. may be.. it will live.
We are trying to catch it but it hops away and tried to peck us ! its an eagle after all!
Then our hero enters! seriously  Hero! this older boy, skinny young not more than 18.. Talks to the eagle distracts it and catches it... the bird pecks him but he doesnot care!  Soon he gets needle and thread and is sewing up the broken wing!! which was very badly broken :(  he is using sticks and  branches to support broken bones!! the eagle is only mildly protesting..then he binds the whole wing with strips of cloth turmeric and coffee ( which pranic healing tells me has a lot of orange prana and helps to draw out infection)! This uneducated pot seller! So confidently fixed up the bird!! He says he saw some bastards throw stones at young eagles the day before :( When their cat got too interested in the bird, he put some straw in a huge pot, and put the bird in it and covered it with  a basket! He knew exactly what to do! all the time! He said  his uncle back home kept pet eagles and kites -  What were the odds??? To this day I am still amazed at the whole thing.. at the skill of that boy! the timing and everything.. he was like a surgeon! a pro!  He was just amazing... The younger brother doesnot know anything about birds but the older one is a pro,,, It was so lucky that I went back later at a time when the older one was home!
May be after all this the bird did die and all u know...Animals are very delicate anyway its a beautiful story..Eagle was well taken care off, I couldnt have done better, a vet couldnt have done better.. so.. leave it at that... It was an unbelieble expereince .. there are such wonderful people out there in this world amazing people   amazing ordinary people...god bless him..god bless them.

be gentle

In words and in thoughts also... my phone and laptop are dead, after a few months of cursing them, they are gone.. :-(  When the phone died I was not bothered, but the laptop.. it died unexpectedly and I feel bad about me constantly cursing  it.
Considering what cursing can do to things I wonder how much it affects people...( ah! u think its all coincidence  and u think I m going cuckooo and all? :-) Its ok.. actually its not ok, dont think bad things about me please.. it may affect me badly :-p )
Should always remember no cursing the usual suspects job/traffic/trains/bus/boss/husband  :)  the body - no cursing fat stomach or tired eyes.. or pinching shoe
Its so easy to not be irritated about things if we just remember. ( part of me wants to roll eyes at the easy :D) 

11 September 2012

Why spirituality? because it makes me feel wonderful! :-}

6 September 2012

diluting the issues


http://www.hindustantimes.com/world-news/Europe/Assange-guilty-of-only-bad-sexual-etiquette-British-MP/Article1-917727.aspx

I dont necessarily agree with the MP but I too feel lot of issues are diluted by mixing them up with trivial or not so serious issues or taking things to ridiculous lengths so sane people just drop it and wont be associated with it anymore.
This is a good example of diluting rape.. its not the same as Poolan Devi dragged around by 20 odd men v/s this. everyone is shouting about womens rights and evil of rape but really Its sad. Anti rape resources ( even talk time and newsprint) shouldnt be wasted of these women I mean they have been wronged but not that much? ( Am I wrong in feeling that?)
Amnesty international - talking about rights for a psychopath who killed 20 people. In UK one such was released and promptly killed another lady after 2 months! X-( I wish he had killed the human rights activists.Stupid people diluting real human rights issues like may be bombing of civilians in Afghanistan by being plain silly! dangerously silly.
Feminists - new level of sillyness all - women who insist on changing hu"man" to hu"person"!!
Racism - by making a huge hue and cry about say a white person making sardarji joke v/s systematic govt sponsored racism . Equating affectionately calling ur fellow football player negretto( little black person in Spanish) to being punched in the face for being asian!
Animal rights activists... Mixing up Whale hunting and Elephant poaching with promoting being vegetarian!  Eating a chicken v/s killing a tiger! hmmm

I think when people are passionate about things they just cant see reason and cant see the difference others are seeing.. for them tiger and chicken are actually same! hmmm!! 

5 September 2012

gods

When someone asks me if I belive in god and I say yes... 
I was wondering what do I actually feel about god...
There are mythological gods and then there is abstract(?) god...
I think what my parents taught us about our gods is really sweet...
Hanuman Ganesha - what is the foremost emotion? affection! and admiration! They are my childhood heros! werent they? guarding my mom's bathroom door like Ganesha :D and pretending to be Hanuman and climbing trees :D  Jai Maruti Lathi Sangha! :D So dear to me!  almost like someone who love superman/spiderman? do I love them like a fictional character.. love and there is respect too..and affection! especially for animal gods i think...and Shiva... because he was called innocent, Bholenath.. my uncle told me that Ravana and most rakshasas prayed to shiva because he was the easiest to please and he was innocent. he didnt trick them like Vishnu did :) remember Bhasmasura story? where Vishnu had to save Shiva? and I liked him for his cool get up. skulls and snakes and graveyard! cool or what! :)
Everyone loves Ganesha offcourse....Durga because I was like her... When I went into one of my angry fits, my  mother used to tell me that when I was little my grandma called me Sarasvati because I loved books and now I have become Durga :D I would have liked her to call me Kaali.. she didnt becase she knew I would think I was tooo cool if she did it..Durga was good enough tho! :D
I was slightly scared of Shani god.. I always wash the back of my feet, even now :D after what happend to Satya Harishchandra. all this depends from person to person I dont feel attached to Raama or Krishna...my grandma was very fond of Krishna.. I think she empathised and felt a lot for meera bai.. she used to have tears in her eyes when she told Meera Bai's story :)

Christianity and all those monotheistic faiths have made God into a kind of scary monster... word God invokes fear and guilt in so many followers.. I guess lot of Hindus too have this view of God. This is what  Louise hay and Paulo coehlo so dislike this view of god. They think its because its Male God it has become that way, I think lot of Hindu's are manipulated to fear Female gods, Monotheistic/Male/Female doesnot matter.. God is a good way to subjugate and manipulate people.. I am lucky my parents and Grandparents and uncles had a great perspective towards god..

So what is the God I believe in..
When I make up the story to tell other people about my belief in God, I say God is a state of mind to experience. It doesnot matter wheter god actually exists or not... It is something people have experienced and so there exists a state of mind where people feel very very good and they feel god. I want that too.. it sounds as if I m athiest/agnostic.
But In actuallity I m much closer to God, my belief is deeper than that "intellectual" type definition I have up there. God is like a dear friend, like a teacher, like a parent - more like a Grand Parent. Its not Hanuman/Ganesha /someone with a gold crown. Its just God, Its probably male a him. Is there a Image? Old man with white beard? no. Its abstract - no Image - Name is in English - God.
have I actually experienced?
I experience gratitude for god, When I see beautiful things, Sweet things, Niceness...
Is there an entity  like that? If someone says Is there someone called god, I can genuinely reply no. Is there something called god.. dono .. no.. I dont think there is a God out there.. So God is a concept in my mind then? No - its not such a clinical "concept" ( Grrr ). I am very emotionally attached to God :-) Big hug! god! :) Part of my imagination? :) no?...When I feel touched This is so beautiful.Thank you.May be I mean "for all the circumstances that led to this beauty" - Thank u?
What ever is responsible for the warm feeling in my heart is God! :) Oxytocin/Dopamine? :D
He is pure love!
( BTW I m not against the concept of entities - Like Gaia/ mother earth...I cant say no to that.. in such cases I am agnostic leaning towards yes, I may say its true but I wont insist, I wont tell kids that they all exist :) but God is not in that league.
What god is not, is somebody who is responsible for keeping me happy or granting me wishes.( but that doesnot stop me from asking - God please keep everyone happy/safe/ please make me happy etc :) ) i hardly ever get upset with god.
He is not responsible for keeping the world and everyone happy, I dont blame him for floods/wars/hurricanes/small children dieing of starvation/ for cancer/psychos etc
God is not moral police who punishes you if you dont do what he said! I dont believe he said anything in the first place! He doesnot meddle!
God is not figher of evil, He is not opposite of Satan. good and evil is low level, god is higher level than that. He can hold my hand when I am scared, but he wont beat up that bad guy with a knife.. but he may encourage me to be brave tho :) ashte
I think thats all about God!


stop trying


stop trying to wake up
stop trying to sleep in
stop trying to talk to people
stop trying to relax
stop trying to enjoy the weather
stop trying to improve
stop trying to be aware
stop trying to stop trying
stop trying to get better job
stop trying to be successful
stop trying to make more money
stop trying to not be materialistic
stop trying to look good
to eat healthy
to lose weight
to become thin
to learn
to enjoy
to be happy
to control emotions
to let emotion flow
to be disciplined
to be free
to stop wasting time
to stop procrastinating

JUST STOP TRYING! OK?
:-(

to make a blog out of everything
to follow ur heart
to do something creative
to try to impress people
to not care for what people think
to keep in touch

edit: ( not very interesting link I din read except heading :P)
Original thoughts are not there any more.
http://www.livescience.com/14229-happiness-factors.html

3 September 2012

kids are so free

So Jealous of the Kids!!! They are doing parkour all the time.. so effortlessly so easily so freely. not one bit selfconscious! Grrr Thats what I envy MOST . selfconscious-less!  This lil kid walking on the street suddenly does a cartwheel :D just like that :D and he went on doing cartwheels! hehe! Walking on a railings.. I want to walk on the railing too!!! I want to do cartwheel too ( Ahem which I can do now BTW!!! so proud! and I can juggle too :D and swim in the sea :D  atleast UK is good that way, even if people think u are weird they wont show it :D)
May be thats why I love parkour, Its like a free ticket to do all the kiddie stuff under a respectable guise :D  so envy the kids tho, they dont need any guise.. neither do I but why cant I be free?

are thoughts original?

Every thought I get is mostly seeded by what I m reading what I watched on TV etc.. dont I have any original thoughts??? Is my direction ( of thinking growth etc) set by what I read? then again I chose what I read so its kind of indirectly choosen by me( most times)  I see my blogs are related to what I read mostly.. except for some burning recurring issues( recurring so not original :P) most of else I think is triggered by external input.
do we have original thoughts at all.. how rare is it to have? In this day of information overload( which I love by the way) Is it much harder to get really orginal un-influenced thoughts?
by Original I dont mean something which has never been thought before but I mean its something which has grown completely in my head without any seed from outside. if that makes sense...

31 August 2012

sci-fi books

Androids/Robots/space travel/Hoover cars Its 2012 already and WHERE ARE ALL THESE THINGS!
Sci-fi Fever has hit thee - book after book after book.. 
60's expected a lot out of humanity and look at now... Life is still so mundane,,, ok we have internet and video chat and .. err electric cars...hey u what know what else we have?? we have no SMOKING zones!!  yeah! seriously none of those guys ever imagined that!- all their heros are smoking indoors ! and even in space crafts.... and ... what else do we have? We have health and safety :P 
The point is - Man on Moon is  a Hoax! :-D  I mean look at what all we have now and Map it back to the 60's!?  If man on moon had happened 40 years ago.. now we'd have been in hyper space or what ever no? 
Wiki says 12 people have landed on the moon and US had 6 landings! wow!? Why not any more... since last 40 years??
I need to investigate this - need to read up on how exactly it was done and everything, I have laughed and dismissed all the conspiracy theories untill now.. but nothing is beyond the govt's of 60's and 70's for that matter even govts now.. look at all the scams...dont trust them... 

7 August 2012

Wobble board

time should come for everything or what - 2 months back I searched a lot for improving balance tools, equipment.. somehow never ran into anything like this..
finally found this, wobble cushion :) cool or what! I was really Jealous to see that some people in the gym were standing on these and improving their balance.. NO WONDER THESE GUYS HAVE AMAZING BALANCE!  AND I SUCK! :D  How come gym people make them do all these things and we poor indians hardly know any of this!!! Grr
ok!! ok ! I calmed down and quickly got one for myself! :D

http://www.livestrong.com/article/256808-exercises-on-a-wobble-board-to-strengthen-ankle-ligaments/

4 August 2012

whats your excuse?

 too old,too young, too fat, too short,too weak, no core strength, weak bones, not synchronized? Indian genes? :D
Olympics 2012
oldest athlete - 71 years
youngest 15
shortest 130 cms thats 4 feet 6 for you.
lighest 30 kilo
fatest - 203 kilo
blade runner - no legs :)
writing 's on the wall - THERE ARE NO LIMITS
but I cant read it :D I m too short, short sighted, dono english,bad at spellings,Its dark, I was turning the other way, Ah but I m a woman! if I were a man I would go to the wall to pee on it and then seen it... :P

Edit: to my credit today I succeeded in resisting the urge  ( with huge huge will power) to make excuses in the class - I m not synchronised, I m not graceful, u will find it so hard to teach me I have no rhythm, u know this is the first time in my life I am doing something like this.. in my childhood I didnt do any sport...I m shy... I cant do sexy moves...Phew! That many! :-O!  Teacher din notice and I did very well! thank you very much :)  ( oh one more, I dont have good balance! I think I did tell her that :( I also told .. no core strength :( I also told no flexibility! :-o :-O)

2 August 2012

noticed that


1) when I praise someone else implicitly many times I m  putting myself down, very subtle but its there. He has done well, but I haven't,He is a good driver,  He is better than me!
2) When someone praises someone else, even then I feel like/I perceive it as a -ve on me. This is very common. lot of people feel like this, Ive noticed others react badly when I praise someone else in front of them. ( Tip: if u want to bitch about someone, praise them very highly in front of others... they will do the bitching for u :D )
3) We use self deprecation at times for improving the opinion people have of us( to make them think I m humble)
4) Thoughts are linked/tagged by feeling among other things.
our thinking works somewhat like a link list, if u are irritated, brain has a knack of pulling out irritating memories. when sad - sad memories. So thinking gets tainted and gravitates towards the  "mood", and Idont realise it because I m thinking -I am  rational and logical but unknowingly I have come to wrong conclusions and made unfair decisions.
This behaviour of brain is not bad, its actually a very good strategy to link memories by tagging them, Its fantastic. but it can limit our thinking to same old patterns. most used.
5) I find thinking is enjoyable , It is a carrot,an indulgence.. observation is enough to conclude something but I go on and indulge myself and think a lot about it, analyze it :) Ego feels good when I think.
6) I dont/cant buy anything prescious for myself. I have a BIG problem with buying anything luxurious, extravagant for myself( or for anyone else for that matter). So much resistance.  why teak wood? why BDA site? why AC compartment? just make me go in AC 2 tier let us see :D why PVR- we can go to vaibhav? why Bluray why not DVD? why iPhone?  why Gold!My god the sin! :) no no no!
 I m not a cheapskate. dont even check my salary slip or care about interest or about super market bill... but still I m like this.   was using old office laptop and didnt ask for a new one untill absolutely necessary. :-( Grrr... not even my money. didnt throw away old phone ...
7) IFD - Idealisation- Frustration-Demotivation


1 August 2012

perfection is not good?

I think brain works this way
if something is perfect it tries to find fault in it, and gets suspicious! ( This is the reason Why the matrix is not eternally happy place right? he says, the humans got suspicious)
if there are minor faults, it just glosses over it! :)
Have u looked at news print dots in cartoons? Archies! Betty and Veronica were beautiful, but their faces are full of dots. :-) I just couldn't stomach it when I was a kid, how come I see the dots when I look for them and not see them when I am reading. :-)

White sheet for example! u examine very closely and end up seeing the water mark :-) if there were some faults u;d probably leave it alone sooner.. may be it looks for some feature to rest on?

I thought this because of  my huge scar on my knee which I think is very sexy ;-)
If women left their make up slightly flawed would it make them more attractive and less boring? :)

28 July 2012

wise is one who understands while normal people hate! I think..
Kirikou and the sorceress so special this movie is.
"Why is she wicked granddad? because she is in pain son!"  :-) so sweet! Like in miyazaki movies.. there are no bad guys, just mis-understood or people in pain. Wise directors...So different from let us blow off all the bad guys "hollywood" - cant stand it anymore Dark Knight! get lost! u are horriD :D


edit: God! Americans are crazy! again!! LOL! they flagged this movie on youtube for nudity! :D I wont be surprised if they call the director a pedo, because the hero is a baby and he is completely nude :D

16 July 2012

electrictarian?

Do androids dream of electric sheep?
After yesterdays discussion with A , This book title made me think, Ah this is the solution to his problem of not wanting  people/animals to eat other beings.. we need to charge ourselves... transfer our consciousness iinto robos and "eat" electric charge. :)  Hey but Thats Actually Matrix ! forget about charge harvesting..imagine they had sun light...that would be it, violence free world. Would it still be alive tho?


15 July 2012

Only yesterday

Studio Ghilbli does it again! sensitive and sweet!  Isao Takahata - I found him when I ran out of Miyazaki :) what good timing :-) Its not one of the popular ones.. I didnt find it in the first search - Now I dont remember where I got this from... It is soooo sweet ...quite sweet day to day with no action and nothing much happens but I still liked it so much! how come all these lil Ghilbi girls always remind me of me.. I always see myself in them, thats why I love them so much I guess...some of them are what I want to be( prinicess mononoke and sprited away) and some of them are me( whisper heart/this one)..
the lil 10 year old is the sweetest...the kids world and its lil disappointments and joys! awww sweet...
The nostalgia.. its a sweet/dull pain in my heart.. I m nostalgic for my 10 year old self and for the 60's :)
Dont dare watch Grave of fireflies.. It seems too sad...
Edit:
Although the Walt Disney Company paid for the US distribution rights as part of its deal with Studio Ghibli, executives later decided that it could not release "Only Yesterday" in the US - Disney's stated reason was because the film contained references to menstruation (a clause in Ghibli's distribution contract prohibited Disney from altering the scene to remove the references).  


Duh!! WT...such prudes! :-} ( look who is talking tho ;-) )

Even after a day still feeling the warm glow.. nice.. I love love love studio Ghibli movies!! 

The Game

Its a shocking and horrifying book - OK go read this book first ok!! its a must read!
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/900.The_Game

I had heard stories of mantra vaadis who gave women magic potion...
My grandma's  story -This lady didnt have children,  she went to a mantra vadi( black magician) He was an evil one. He gave her some paste - told her to eat it at night after everyone went to sleep and not tell anyone else about the whole thing.. somehow the lady forgot to take it and left it on the stone grinder - old style - rubbo kallu. and at mid night.. that stone started shaking and rumbling and rolling and went straight to mantra vadi's house!!! :D
Ok! these guys are not exactly like this but quite close!! and the techniques used - I can see how well they will work.. I think instinctively the untrained ladies men use the same techniques... I ve seen them used and work in real life! fucking awesome!  and I ve met one proper trained one as well :D

How do I actually feel about pick-up artists.. funnily enough the feminist in me is not offended..
On one side I feel, when someone is putting in sooo much effort into it and making things interesting for the girls I think they deserve to pick up someone. :-P
I mean what is the big deal when someone does gets picked up - as if!
If someone does not call the next day It shouldnt become a self esteem issue because u already know these are creeps...? every experience should lead to wedding bells! thats a stupid and old fashioned idea..no?  do they really make people(aka women) do what they dont want to do, or do they just bring down others inhibitions? 
I feel every guy should learn some of these things.. I mean come on! be more interesting! ;-)  Especially the good guys out there finishing last - They are the ones who need skills like this... I think this power wont corrupt the good ones.. or Is that only me being optimistic?
I also like the way the hero is approaching the whole thing putting in so much effort and dedication into it..Its a typical under dog making it big story.

Yet.. the whole things is in one way horrifying and disgusting and unimaginably creepy.
The manipulation. its pure evil. It goes against the grain of being human.. It reminds me of a story of a mutant man boy...Golden emotion less mutant boy ( no longer human) with a computational brain. Every minute he just sees the different possibilities and where it leads him. like a chess playing computer with its decision tree...his goal is ofcourse to populate the world with his species rather than human..
These PUA(pick up artisrs)  are just like moths who mock other poison moths or owl eyes to escape from predators or those orchids which mock the bees to get pollinated. These guys mock the signs of attraction with women and get their way. 


The creepiest thing was that we are so susceptible to manipulation, It is scary.. every word and sentence for a while feels  fake..How all am I getting manipulated in this world? Like the spiritual books say we are all asleep and running on auto mode :( Its not like it works on dumb people it will work better on smart ones because they are easy to hook because of their interests.  We run on patterns and instinctive behaviours... awareness is the ONLY solution to this grief of life.
Anyway reading this book make me feel less naive.. Humans are like this only some consciously doing it, many unconsciously hooking others.. to get them laid or to get that promotion or if you are a baby just to get milk :)  Funny those guys who use others patterns fall into their own.. they are not wise..


The guy mystery is a good example of how logic is not everything how logical people can twist and modify logic to validate their beliefs. Logic and reason are not much above emotions if u are not aware of emotions..
what I got out of selfish gene is very different from what that guy got out of it. quite opposite..
I felt genes are selfish, once I know this I can counter their effect.
what he got is genes are selfish, they control me, so I go with them.. he makes his purpose the same as that of his genes - duh!!! for me that was almost spritual book - pushed me more towards gender equality and helped me understand the descripencies.. but it make this man quite opposite.. women are there to spread his genes!! duh!! He is a very clever and genius type person but.. flawed!


and NLP !! god all meditation techniques are just that - NLP, exactly the same technique.. think of a happy emotion, give it a color spread it across ur body.. 


on the whole very interesting eye opening book, worth even  a second reading....


3 July 2012

Thank you subconscious for waking me up in the middle of the night just in time for the meditation!!
Seriously!! I love you!!! our( my :P) subconscious is so so so powerful, It has put a reminder for July 2nd 7 pm pacific time and woken me up - corresponding GMT summer time!! - It has done this all some 2 weeks ago. Even tho all this had totally escaped my conscious mind, subconscious woke me!! I love it.
This is not the routine/habit thing, this is something else! :D way cooler!
God!!! If we are aligned with our subconscious mind, We can just live life like a breeze - like magic... way too cool. , we dont need drudgery of will power..which is always works with resistance.
Hope humanity( aka me ;-)) will learn to harness the power of subconscious.. soon :) 

29 June 2012

2D -3D

How do we perceive reality - vision being our main sense.. we "see" a 3 dimensional world, as I type this.. I m seeing a room , chairs table TV, TV is far away, chair near me .. the room is slightly tapering showing perspective.. I feel the sense of space around me.. I "know" or rather  I "see" this space..
I see a flat picture on the TV screen..3D no depth. I see a flat 2D image on a magazine.
I feel 2D is a compromise of seeing and 3D is the "real" world..
but u know what?
Isnt 2D  how we acually see the world?what our eyes see is exactly what we see in a photograph right?  a 2D image.. and 3D - is fake! 3D is the simulation, 3D and the sense of space - this is the work of our brain.. its the modeling done by our brain to facilitate us to navigate in a 3D world,.

Brain takes this image and memory and does 1001 processing. ( need to read up on that) makes discrete 2D images into a continuous 3D movie/simulation/game!!
(havent read it.. but looks good ... this one.)
http://www.mind.ilstu.edu/curriculum/vision_science_intro/vision_science_intro.php?modGUI=204&compGUI=1940&itemGUI=3375

They say - brain uses the difference between the images from left and right eye to determine the depth of the world..  but does the vision that we see collapse into 2D if we close one eye? ;-) like this? no..
The model is made from memory.. I think it uses not only 2 angles but also shadow/light,perspective and what not  and also memory to build this 3D world. I think painters who create pictures know instinctively what parameters brain uses to create this depth..


Also this model is our limitation, if even tho we lived in a 3D world but our model was a 2D one, we would be stuck in it! :) and move like we were stuck between 2 glass sheets :) like flatland :)


Again it goes to show - everything is Maya - unreal! I know this,believe this but is it real for me?do I feel this? no! :-) how does the realisation of this take place??

I dont think our brain scans and creates this world everytime we see, like mpeg decoding.. it patches up only the changes.. and thats why sometimes we dont see the things we are searching for even if they are right in front of us, if we dont expect them there. our brain has decided that portion of the 3D world doesnot need refreshing - it couldnt have changed , so it shows us memory of that table.. when that bloody key was not on it :)
When people take hallucinogens they can see the room in front of them even with eyes closed! They can move around too!! offcourse the information is all there!! May be, to make us believe that it is not a projection but it is reality, brain switches off this projection when the new images stop coming i.e when we close our eyes, but  it is quite capable of continuing the show - even with eyes closed...like our dreams.we are quite capable of making our own landscapes...Imagination is one thing, this is total reality experience.. like reality but not!!! anyway I think astral projection and Out of body experiences are all this...Alternative states of consciousness.. I may have said before meditation/yoga is actually hacking our own brain.. enlightened person is the ultimate hacker. 

Symbols

Mystical speak - for example aura/energy bodies Chakra , These concepts are actually tools or symbols to help us understand a concept, not exactly to be taken literally?
Like a Sine wave for example,

Its hard to remember that this is *not* the sine wave, This is a symbol which helps us understand what a sine wave is...Its so easy to confuse a model with the real thing.. 


The mystical concepts,  most of us take it literally - some find it so silly that they scoff at it and other believe blindly. but actually what these mystical concepts are - are like say a block diagram of our software, When a lay man  looks at Set top box architecture diagram , they may expect these little boxes - drivers/middleware/application to be found when he breaks open a box. We are being this layman when we expect the astral body/mental body etc to be found surrounding our body? offcourse! 
God/Soul/Prana everything, What ever is said of it.. is symbolic, we will know what it all is.. only when we experience it.

You know what words are ?
"They are an agreement between  the speaker and the listener. With out this agreement the words dont have any meaning. each sound has a meaning in ur head and the meaning in my head and when we hear a sound, we do a look up  to its meaning and it becomes word " - from Seth Speaks.


21 June 2012

I m  that interesting person u are pretending to be ;-)  -Deeps :P

20 June 2012

more gyan

Oh well... Great crisis needs great gyan ;-)
kindness!
Easy and relaxed...
love and compassion - do I deal with everyone and everything with love and compassion? I notice not at all.. there are lot of places where we behave with competitiveness, defensiveness , with the intention of putting the  person in place, cutting the person to size.. with irritation, revenge..
forgiveness
Most important aspect of all **awareness**.

13 June 2012

Love me for a reason...

...let the reason be Love.

When I walk in my garden I feel my plants love me... not "I love my plants"- I feel "my plants love me..."
I wonder - can it be? Is it my imagination?
but then how do u ever know anyone loves u? Isnt that also equally imagination?
by their actions u say...by their actions - what they do for u.. are they kind? do they buy u gifts etc?  Really??
u see it in their eyes?
we see a smile in this ":-)"  Do u trust ur eyes? :)
U wud say u can feel it.. then I can feel the same with plants... :)
 I think when u feel u love someone or when u feel someone loves u.. u know... both these feelings are felt with in us only... not necessarily in the other person!? u can call it imagination or what ever...


Love me as u want to, no rules no conditions
u  love me because u did this, u dont love me becuase u did that! no thats all bull shit!
I trust ur love as it is. If I feel it, its love! :)


Unconditional love we say.. Isnt love always unconditional.. when we put conditions on love is it love at all?
when I say I love rainbows.. what do I expect out of rainbow? just to give me pleasure... actually it produces this feeling in me.. thats what I call love..Full moon... chrerry blossom.. Taj Mahal..
 I love birds and squirrels.. Or wild life.. thats the same kinda of love as for rainbows and moon.. no expectations no attachments..no missing? no longing...
Can we have that kind of love with people.. love them because they make u feel love!??



12 June 2012

discussion with myself

Too much gyan... I know.. but that was the point of this blog right? what ever on my mind at the moment.. it reflects..

"why do we think bad things about others or why do we have bad images about others?
 when we meet someone we are getting angry or irritated or upset with them. If we paint them bad it is easy on our conscience to justify all those emotions. if we accept that they are allright then we have to take responsibility for those emotions and think that I may be wrong which is hard. "
-Shibani from Bramha kumaris
But my mind keeps saying what if  they ARE bad.
I accept that our perception of a person or the world can be totally off. Ok I accept my perception of the world and a lot of people IS totally off. preconcieved notions and patterns have coloured my judgement and I see the world thru the same old distored lens. I agree.
but I am afraid to let go... they( the notions and patterns) have served me for all these years.. I can feel it I m not all that ready to let go. I can feel resistance to letting go.
all that gyan - markings on glass and all...Inside of me I dont trust that if I change my perception the world will change. I still trust my judgements :D the old ones. I m giving it a go and I am ready to try..but I think I m not ready to let go of the hand rails and jump. Its frustrating.

I m really afraid to think that the other person is NOT BAD and it is all in my mind
what if the person is really bad and because I m thinking it is all in my mind, am I just going into denial ? and then I get cheated hurt etc?
Am I confusing sprituality to stupidity? :D
what they are saying is NOT to go into denial. but going numb and going into denial also looks very much like sprituality. how to know the difference?
Oh well I know the answer to this. Its the same old awareness!

2) No one is asking me to think of everything as good, just question my beliefs and ask why is the person bad, dig deeper. dont analyse but just listen and observe myself.
3) The only person who needs to become good in my mind, (first) is me.. do I trust myself, do I beleive myself, do I like myself. what -ve beliefs do I have about myself? There is no danger is letting go of those is it?
1)Also when some thing is not right and I get a reaction. That is what we are trying to solve... is the bad feelings in me? What is bringing it about? We need to understand and be aware of our reactions and emotions.. and not let this color the judgement.  Is this head over heart? I am getting resistance to this idea. I want to react with my heart - but not with emotions. there is a difference - once emotions are quitened once thoughts are quietened then we can hear the heart.  I feel resistance to letting go of emotions.  I feel that will make me dead...But I m sure I wont miss anxiety, irritation, anger, despair etc etc :D I will miss saddness tho :)
Awareness is good.. understanding is good.. letting go of clouds and patterns is good..
let us atleast stick to that for now..


defensive...

7 June 2012

Trust and patience

Trust and patience
Trust and patience
Trust and patience

Trust myself that I can do it and patience with myself till I do well eventually...
I m actually a quick learner but I am so embarrassed about that learning curve  and so miserable getting thru it.. totally lacking trust too all the time till I perfect it.
Its all right to make mistakes.. we all learn and do well because of them!

I want my first painting to be Mona lisa :) How many things we dont even start because we dont trust ourselves to do it well..

In esoteric stuff and self development...Its really important to trust our experiences...
we know what we felt, we know how good or bad it was....no need to convince anyone else..
Do we trust ourselves when we feel tired? or sick? or call ourselves lazy?
Do we trust our good feelings...I am looking great today.. and then someone says.. ur dress is funny..do u still feel good looking?
I am very bright! some one says are u? what have u achieved.. and ur ballon is burst..do we really trust?
forget others... no one else knows... they have their own filters and issues.. they see what they want to see.. thru their conditioning...how can they see us? we are all blind ... only person we need to trust is ourselves...

Our own ego is always questioning and doubting...thats when we need to have patience and trust in the process... like gardening...we have to plant the seeds and wait :) we cant dig and check everyday to see if the seeds have sprouted or not?

Awareness for example.. It starts as a spritual exersice but ego soon takes it over and makes it into a competition/Goal oriented/Task.. I m always in my own world, are those people more aware than me, are they better? Am I really aware or not.. oh god I dont even know to be aware! What are the benefits I have got out of it so far? is it worth while and so on :)
All that is not necessary...just intend to be aware and I will know how to be aware.. trust myself to know that and have patience till it happens... no goals.. no violence no measuring...and no "will power" - with using will power there is always resistence and violence.. and the goal of awareness is to understand why this resistance is there.. not to plough thru it.. gentle and kind with ourselves first.. then to others...


19 May 2012

Obama supports gay marriage

Pleasantly surprised and happy about this, still wondering what could be the political motivations behind this cant help feeling warm and fuzzy and nice about the man.good man? :) bold move!
Equal rights and all is great, no body should stop gay marriage.
but why do they want to get married so bad! :-P
The world is moving forward at this pace, half the people dont get married at all...its kinda so irrelevant these days.. married or not...
why care at all about being main stream and get "married"?

11 May 2012

associative anger

Observing myself - I notice anger and irritation towards astrology, gold, sarees, vegetarianism. Unfair. Anger, fair or unfair is not necessary for me at this stage in my life.. but easier to get rid of unfair anger I hope.
Its  misdirected anger.
I dont actually hate astrology. I personally know that moon phases affect us, may not be our fate but our moods. I know full moon makes most people restless, brings up pains, body aches, migranes..
so astrology - no hate.. planets can affect us. but  I hate the way people use it or rather misuse it. I hate it that people run to astrologer to ask for solutions and they follow what the astrologer asks them to do with out understanding why or what of it. I like people using intelligence and thinking.I hate the blind following..
I shouldnt hate gold, its a poor blameless metal, what i really hate is the peoples greed and need for it. I hate the way women, especially, place so much importance on it, that makes them so superficial and silly.
I shouldnt hate sarees its a sexy dress after all.
I hate the way people seem to dietyfy sarees, its apparently divine dress- most decent and such crap. sorry, blind people!! It looks ugly on women who put out their tummies on display, It looks ugly on clumsy women who wear it 4 inches off the ground at the back, It looks great on Sushimata sen Priyanka cropra and Sonai gandhi :-) only :-P( and Offcourse on all those women who read this blog( u are all beautiful!) :P and Also on all those men's wives/girlfriends/partners who read this blog :P)
Also I hate the fact that Indians stick on to old traditions blindly like a saree which was probably invented before we learnt to stitch but once we learnt to stitch some 4000 years ago we should have moved on. no?It not sarees fault that people didnt move on to more efficient dresses no? so  I shouldnt hate the blameless saree.
Vegetarianism - similarly long and short of it, if Bramhins are vegetarian and they discriminated and put down other people for thousands of years, It makes those people bad, it does not make being vegetarian bad.
If kids who were vegetarian were sissy, it does not make vegetarianism bad, It was probably their over protective parents. Its a childhood belief which I should let go? Dont I have friends now who are vegetarian and not sissy?I also actually dont hate western vegeterian people do I?
 After venting about vegetarians on my blog, my whole attitude changed! surprisingly! I think I realised I hated because of us and them syndrome and let that go... There is a Jain guy who is a very staunch veggie...When someone taunted him I heard myself saying poor thing, let atleast some people in this world be noble and I actually meant it :) proud of myself!

10 May 2012

I walk alone

The most surprising part is how natural it feels. holidaying alone I thought would be awakward but it wasn't. So natural.. so normal. I realise I have done it many many times but havent named it as such thats all.. may all those 2 day train journeys in India - If u enjoyed yourself on those I think u can count on enjoying urself alone anywhere :) and those official trips.
Free, thats the first thing I felt and peace. and Yupieee!I did it kinda feeling :-) as if its a big deal! but may be it is :-) ..but there is a slight fear that I m turning(?!?:P) into this anti social loner, real fear is that I m liking it :-)
Hah! I want to hug the place...bubbles bursting in my heart!:-) I love the sea! I think I also love the fact that I did this :) I want to dissolve into the sea and sink into the sand...
funny I feel like I am getting away from a close friend when I leave this place.. I linger on and on and on on the beach.. its getting cold and hungry.. ah!but I love this! I dont want to go..
I go to the waves to wash my shoes and then leave but stay on and then back on the sand just 5 more minutes.. ntill the birds stop singing.. may be visit all those silly sand things people have done one mroe time before I leave..
the softest sand and the gentle waves..crystal clear water...the fading light..I want to roll in the sand and rub my back in sand like a doggy but then I guess I have not gone that crazy yet.. I refrain sadly..
I finally get up and leave.. my stomach is very persuasive ..

BTW what do u do with beauty? seeing it is not enough, photographing it..  I get this Arrgh! I want to ..! feeling when I see and feel beauty! some how I want to immerse into it? blend into it, hug it,  dip into it and get it all over me, through me.....

Soul Mates

Caught you attention now ! Din I? :D
hehe!
yeah Soul Mates!
The unexplained affinity,warmth,tenderness, peace, the gentle pull, feel of  coming home when u are with a person...or unbearable attraction and passion, heady feeling, something u cannot shake off no matter what...like being sucked in a vortex.. all at the first glance! Soul mate? :)
A more politically correct or rather less alarming term is being used these days "soul connected" because u can feel this connections with anyone - parents, brothers, sisters,friends - u can have a strong connection but have no romantic interest, u may have strong connection and romantic interest but  u may be already commited ;-) so soul connected ;-)
How does it all fall into place Mystically..
God made all souls in pairs, separated them( I should have said "us" LOL!obviously I dont buy this :) and threw them to earth...we are all basically halfs of a whole and must keep searching and find that one person who completes us! This is the hollywood version of the story.
Another theory is that soul mates are souls with whom u have spent many lifes, who are ur lovers across life times.. but There can be multiple soul mates.. souls dont have gender nor do they have any taboo... these souls have had both romantic and non romantic relationship with u in the past lives.. but close relationships.. so u feel the affinity and closeness with them... you know each other too well...for too long...
Another theory is that if you from the same soul group - imagine there is big higher soul which splits into multiple souls which in turn split and so on.. like branches of a tree.. if u are 2 branches shot out of same trunk u are soul mates..u are literally connected via the trunk..

Master Co from pranic healing had an interesting take on the soul mates funda.. according to him there are two kinds of soul mates, One kind is the regular soul mate  with whom u have had romantic relationships in the past life, who are kind of connected to you in the soul hierarchy and who compliment you, When u see these people ur heart will go mmmmmmm ...
Another type are those that have lessons for you!! :D you will be intensely attracted to people who will teach u lessons in life :-) that means that life with these "soul mates" will definitely be challenging. Suppose ur soul had a purpose that it will learn anger management in this life time. These soul mates will do exactly that, push ur anger buttons and push u to the limits so that u learn!!. so beware of love at first sight ;-) Soul mates can also be people with whom u have unfinished business ( usually actually always unpleasant)  The longer the unfinished business lasts the closer the souls are bought to sort out their issues and messes.. If two people were part of a feud in one life time and developed a lot of hatred with each other and died like that, next life they are probably brought together as friends so that they de-solve the hatred and move on, but instead if they just build on hate, then they are brought together as husband wife or parent child, if u still dont mend ur business - conjoined twins :D So if u dont like someone, better to not have any hatred/anger towards them if not they will return as soul-mates :D



Techniques

1) Glass wall technique... may be this was Dream gyan or may be I read it somewhere in a slightly different way (NLP stuff?) and it was summarised like this... Its a nice way to remember that all the worlds drama is happening inside our head and actual reality is quite fine!..I saw this more as a cartoon video than in words...

I was angry and upset with someone ...The  person was in front of me, I drew big bold crosses on him with a dark red felt pen... then a line connecting  this to my brain and a drew some mess there.... means - this person made my head mess up.
 Then I moved to the side a bit, I saw that all this scribbling and crosses were on a  glass wall in front of me and not on that person at all...that person was fine! I quickly erased off the crosses and then the line and then the mess in my head!! I felt great after this!? no anger! cool or what? :)

2) Using the energy from the emotions technique - may be this helps me disassociate with my emotions ...atleast it helps dissipate them..I dono where this came from.. may be I read this somewhere as well?! May be Louise hay?  .. one of those free books on my Kindle I think . Its similar to some exercises and that book by a psychologist has similar meditations...
When we feel intense emotions like sadness or pain or anger, we can use the strength of those emotions to do something else constructive..Sometimes I remember to do this when I feel strong emotions.
Sometimes feel intensely sad but I dono why, I observe the pain... I try to feel that pain as physical sensation rather than emotion then I imagine(?) that it is actually just energy and then turn it into light(proper flash light) and shine it inside my head - hopefully I will be able to see what it is that is causing the pain.. till today I haven't seen any reason for the pain :) but the sadness dissipates.. I am thinking it is working slowly may be once I shine enough light it will show me the actual reason?
If I know the reason then even better, for example I feel really sad remembering my cats and I cant seem to get over it.. turn the saddness into love( isnt it actually love in the first place?) then send it out from my heart to my cats, to all cats or to just all people connected to me ...I feel better. I imagine proper connections like bright wires of light going out of my heart taking love in them
May be I feel lonely - then I use the sadness to break the walls I have built around my heart so that I can reach out to people ... etc..etc ... :)  I am very creative with the imagination, I sometimes imagine that energy as a flood breaking the walls of a dam, or Like a fist punching off a brick wall.. I imagine the flash light shining in the deep mines/tunnels in my brain looking for stuff which I may have repressed... I imagine myself turning and looking at the pain and asking who are you...why are u making me sad..
yeah all this is too personal but what the heck, this blog is for personal purpose anyway.



I can get tired of beauty but I think the appeal of cuteness is more sustained
swans are beautiful and ducks are cute, I got bored of swans but I still find ducks cute! 
I think its the same with people,most people who I thought looked beautiful started looking dull after a while. ( all girls tho :-D, good looking guys remain good looking :D)
can sounds be cute and beautiful or is it just images?
we do say  a beautiful voice and that doesnot get tiring and cute? when people make cute noises that is definitely annoying :D hehe but thats not realy cute voice is it? itis noise made when people think something else is cute :D

prosthetics

along the same lines.. is the day far away when prosthetics become so good that people will start going in for artifical legs over real legs?
motorised legs with different type fittings - say wheels for smooth surfaces, spikes,  opposable thumb in the foot , extensible hand, u can stretch it long to reach the door or that glass on table on the far side of the bed ?.
Already read reports that golfers get lasik done to normal eyes to improve their performace..
its just a matter of cost isnt it?
If para olympics become as porpular as F1 racing,
if the focus starts shifting from effort to technology.. if companies start competing at entertainment level . I feel this is somewhat politically incorrect, but wont it be great if people put in the same ammount of reaserch into prothetics as into racing cars. and these days showbiz and sport are 2 main things which rake money
Then the day wont be far away when we all become Iron-men. slowly body will fade away,  We will just be pure brains?! :-) Then once we will start augmenting our brains with flash drives and more processing power and then.. even the organic brain will disappear..
Will the organic carbon man remain at all? Isnt that also some kind of evolution?
There are 1000s on movies on this theme I think.

rebel eh? :)

I m putting up picture on skpe for office use. I put up a nice picutre of me in a formal suite.
Then I reaslied everyone else has put up some vague pictures - cartoons animals etc. No one has put their own pic.I m so embarrassed and want to change, It feels like I m silly egotists  who has put up her own pic :D
I think confirmist side is very strong in most of us. me too, tho slightly less than most.
only very weird characters like left wingers or bums are true rebels I think.
I m more confirmist in UK than in India. :) see them as more peers? so when I rebel in India it is not really rebelign at all?
Anyway after this realisation I have let that picture stay...

26 April 2012

Dream Gyan- You are taking yourself too seriously! Just Chill!

11 April 2012

Can an amputee grow a leg..

To answer my own cheeky question,
Can an amputee grow a leg by changing belief?
Why shud they?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_Pistorius
blade runner, Double amputee. Competes with "normal" bodied athletes at Olympic level! He wanted to run in 2008 olympics but this caused debates that the prosthetic legs may infact  have an advantage over normal legs!!!
and how silly of me to ask that question after reading about Nick Vujicic. no hands no legs. SO? He is no hands no legs NO LIMITS!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Vujicic
We have a very very very narrow view of how things should fall into place, universe has limitless possibilities and limitless creativity.  no?
Instead of  having goals and expectations and limiting life( like trying to grow a leg :P),
we should  allow life to flow and see what magnificent things it brings us ...

and one more :-)
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/895926-afghanistan-hero-set-to-climb-mount-everest-with-prosthetic-ice-axe
:-) 

10 April 2012

Affirmations

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Affirmations_(New_Age)

From Wiki -This is related to mind over matter, This is one course of action to change matter with the mind.
Affirmations in New Thought and New Age terminology refers primarily to the practice of positive[clarification needed] thinking—fostering a belief that "a positive mental attitude supported by affirmations will achieve success in anything."[1] More specifically an affirmation is a carefully formatted statement that should be repeated to one's self and written down frequently. For an affirmation to be effective, it needs to be present tense, positive, personal and specific.[2]


rebel or conformist?

Walk the untroden path, Do something new, that no one has done before..
Lot of great people say this.. and everyone listens and seems to be inspired by the words, but very very few people actually do it??
is this really for everyone???
Turns out not! There is a definite reason for vast majority of us to be sheep who follow the trends and very few who actually try out something different, who dare do something new. Biology and the usual cultprit evolution.
I saw this on BBC.
The host was asked to rate some 50 people for beauty on 1 to 10 and as soon as he rated them, he was shown the crowd score for that face. As he did this, his brain was scaned and based on the activity in certain part of  his brain, they could determine if he is a rebel or a conformist.
If you are a conforist, as soon as u think u have done something different from the group, one part of ur brain screems Ouch! If you are a rebel, this part of the brain remain quite. This is hard wired into ur brain. The host was asked to rate the people all over again and they predicted how much of his opinion would have changed based on his brain activity. They told him so , he tried hard to be fair and not change his opinion but he ended up being part conforist unconsciosuly! :)

Why so few rebels and so any conformists? Evolution. Groups is smarter than the individual at least most individuals anyway ;-) so safer to be conformist. But if all were conformists he population would stagnate. so ESS (http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/06/2/l_062_03.html) allows for a small number to be rebels to explore the new horizons and take humanity forward..

Am I a rebel or conformist? I think I m like the host part rebel and part conformist. slightly more rebel than most.
BTW most of these teenage rebels are actually conformists, who are conforming to their peer group.

mind over matter

why do I still need convincing with this? :)
I mean after all these years of reading and experiences, you would think my beliefs have changed.
I would think my beliefs have changed but I feel such a strong need to convince others that mind indeed can model matter.. looks like I too still need convincing.

Law of attraction and many of the books say that whole of our reality and whole of our life is created by us, by what we think and what we believe in. If I believe life sucks, thats what I get, If I believe people are cheats I will end up meeting cheats , If I believe life is good, and I m lucky, I will indeed be presented with lot of luck. Mind over matter see?
A subset of that, Louise Hay says that every ailment in your body is related to some belief of you and you can cure anything by changing ur beliefs. It sounds like a load of crap? Or you may think for small things like headache maybe I will cure it by wishing it away but not diabetes or say Arthritis or Cancer?
Look at this.

MPD or Multiple personality disorder-
http://www.flickr.com/photos/36533449@N02/3550534660/
people are known to change eye colour between personalities. not just that, one personality has diabetes another does not. even scars and bee stings! I read of this in Phantoms in the brain( excellent book btw). Disorders really give us so much more insight into the working of the brain than normal( ! ) brains. It feels like there is a process control block or something in our brain , a structure which has flags, arthritis = yes; eye_color = brown, handedness = right and so on. If you have MPD u  make a copy of that and change it as per current beliefs. Its like spawning a new  process with different arguments. we have one ego or self identity process, they have many.. and the whole body just responds to these few parameters in a matter of minutes. The difference between a person with short sight and normal person is just a few bits in the brain? Unbelievable but true(if u believe it!).
So..Can an amputee grow a leg like this? ;-) frankly I donno! Is there a limit at all? There shouldnt be, I mean no need to get into paranormal -just look at animal kingdom If a lizard can grow back a tail...? if a female fish can turn into male...? BTW did u know that Turkeys can give birth by Virgin birth? Female turkeys (obviously ) give birth to male Turkeys, Asexually.


If u are psycho(or an animal :P) u do all this without ur knowledge, but if u become  an expert brain hacker like Neo from Matrix , can we do this ourselves? :-)?  Yes!!!  I believe life is THIS interesting ! :) Its a matter of time and figuring out how.